You Better Believe You Are Gonna Hear Me ROAR!!!

I'm not really a Katy Perry fan. I don't like to promote her lifestyle or many of her choices. But this song and Firework are two of my top 10 favorite songs of all time. 

I've been doing a LOT of thinking and praying about where God is leading me next. Once I decided I no longer wanted to do Child Life, I felt kind of purposeless. I knew that God was calling me to do something big, but I didn't know what. I had some ideas, but I was too afraid to admit that I had these ideas because I told myself repeatedly that I wasn't capable of accomplishing these ideas. Well guess what? I realized something today. Without God, I am not capable of accomplishing these ideas! 

I am about to be more real on this blog than I have been in the past. I won't go into why I struggle with these things but I will be real: Over the past few years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, insomnia, and probably a list of other things. It has been a really, really tough road. I have gone through fire to get to where I am at today. I have worked on healing past hurts that have made me hurt more than any physical pain ever could. And yet, its invisible. Most people don't know you're struggling. Many people would not know that I've struggled with these things without me saying it. And I am still healing. Over the past few months, I've been trying to decide how to move forward next, and really seeking God to see how he is going to use this pain for my good and for the good of others. 

Broken families, especially kids (and those who are now adults) who experienced any kind of abuse as kids hold a special place in my heart. Im not just talking simply about kids who were in situations so bad that they were taken out of their homes. Im not just talking about the kids who've been sexually abused by obvious molesters. I am talking about kids who are emotionally abused, verbally abused, physically and sexually abused not only by their parents but by any adult in their lives. I'm talking about kids whose parents neglect them emotionally not because they don't love them, but because they simply don't know how to show their kids love properly because they were not shown love by their parents. Im talking about the kids whose parents don't realize how harmful it can be to yell at them, but don't know any other way to make their kids listen. I'm talking about all of these scenarios. But heres the thing: It's not the adult's fault. Yes, they are technically the one doing the abusing but they don't necessarily know any better. You wanna know whose fault it is? SATAN'S. He would love NOTHING more than for families to keep falling apart and for children to keep growing up into adults who feel that they are worthless and not loveable. But you know what? It's time for the church to stand up and do something about it and stop pretending it isn't happening! I believe that abuse infuriates God. He does not want anyone harming his children, and there will be severe punishment for those who abuse children and do not repent. But even those who are guilty of this can start over fresh and new in the hope and saving forgiveness of Jesus Christ! 

This is the first time I am publicising this, but I am going to now because I know that I can accomplish this dream through the help of my Rock and Foundation Jesus Christ. This is what I want to do with my life: I want to get my masters degree in social work and work with a church to provide counseling, healing, and help to broken families, especially those experiencing abuse. I want to work on the front lines providing shelter for those children coming out of abusive homes and make sure that they have Christ centered homes and shelters to stay in until we can help their parents cope with the issues they are facing and make the abuse stop. Sometimes, that can't happen. Sometimes kids do need to be removed from their homes and sever relationships with their parents. And I want to work with them to make sure they get the healing help that they need. 

I want to make sure that parents have resources- a place to ask questions and not be judged. I want the church to stand up and say "Let me help you!" instead of glaring and judging parents and simply shaking their heads at them. I want parents to feel like it is safe to admit that they don't know what to do, and they can admit that they may have hurt their children in a place where the goal is not to judge them or take away their kids but to HELP them.  I want to give parents parenting tips and classes so that the physical abuse stops. I want to teach parents how to communicate with their kids and how to show them true love. I want to help parents heal from the hurts from their childhoods so it doesn't have to carry on to their kids. 

I want to provide foster parents with proper training so that they can recognize when a child is experiencing a flashback or a panic attack. I want to remove foster parents from the system who are abusive themselves and causing kids more trauma. I want to get kids away from molesters and sexual abusers and help those people find Jesus but make sure they never work with kids ever again, and if it is parents that there is an accountability system and healing process to fix the problems this creates in a family setting.  I want to show all these horribly hurting people that there is hope and healing in Jesus Christ!

My struggle with this? I have a ways in my own healing journey to go before I can help families like this. I have told myself for SO long "You will always be too affected by your past to help others. You might as well stop trying." and I realized today that that is nothing but a lie from Satan! I made the decision today that I am no longer going to fight healing and the pain I need to face, but work towards true healing and forgiveness so that I can teach others how to find this freedom that I have already started to discover. I'm not going to stay quiet anymore. I'm not going to bite my tongue and agree with everyone because I am scared. No. God has an awesome plan for me, and it's time to put this plan into action. Get ready because I have had enough of this simply "surviving" thing I have been doing for a while now. I ask for your prayers and support, as it's going to be a difficult journey, but I know that I can do it through him who gives me strength! It's time to put back up a fight and you're gonna hear me ROAR! 

Life Is Not a Snapshot: It Might Take a Little Time to See the Bigger Picture

I haven't written in a long time. In short- my life has been one crazy roller coaster ride from about November till legit this morning. I've barely had time to stop and take a deep breath at the end of each day much less write a blog post about what God has been teaching me about it. But today, after yet another problem occurred I finally found some relief, peace, and calmed down enough to share some of this crazy ride with you! 

As you know from my last post, my life has changed quite dramatically since I decided to quit my internship. I have been looking for a job outside of Child Life and have been extremely frustrated since it has been 2 months and one day since I graduated and I am STILL jobless. (there is a bit of sarcasm here. I should also note that I am technically employed by Concordia. I just mean my dream "real" job hasn't magically landed in my lap yet.)

On top of this, my car has been dying, my phone randomly shuts itself off approximately every hour (with no upgrade available till October) and I have been increasingly realizing how stinkin expensive the adult world is! (especially Ann Arbor!) I hit a point last week where I was like: SERIOUSLY?! As much as I love my parents, the idea of moving back home and having to depend on them again has not sounded all that great. College has taught me to be semi independant and I would like to keep it that way. But with how things have been going, I've been headed in the direction of moving home in a month and being unemployed. Yay.

And then today happened. I tried to drive to church and my car completely died. The transmission went out- meaning no driving anytime soon for me. I went back into my dorm room frustrated, angry and mad at God for not letting me go to church when that is where I needed to be the most! I sat down and said "God, meet me where I am at. I am frustrated and angry and I need some comfort! Show me that where I am at is not in vain!" After some random searches, I found this:

PLEASE watch this if you get a chance. HOLY MOLEY. My mind was completely blown. I am a very visual learner, and Christine's way of describing things and using analogies worked SO perfectly for me! She used the analogy of a dark room developing negatives to God shaping and molding our lives. She talks about how God uses complete darkness and pain to do a "chemical processing" to remove all the bad qualities from our old identities that the world gives us, and makes us into something totally brand new and beautiful- a photograph worth hanging on the wall, his pride and joy.

As I watched this video and laughed and cried in amazement I realized this: God has me EXACTLY where I am at for a reason. My dream is to eventually work with families but especially girls who have experienced all kinds of abuse. I want to help families heal and make changes so that we can reduce the number of kids being abused in our world today. I am hoping to get my masters in social work so that I can provide family therapy and turn it into a ministry with a church someday.

But that being said- I will be working with very BROKEN individuals. People who have experienced pain at unreal levels and have no real idea how to trust people or how to trust God. They have to re-learn how to experience emotion and learn how everyone in the world is not out to get them. Healing is a HUGE undertaking that can only be done through Jesus Christ. But what I realized today is that God has me where I am now, and where I've been in my past so that he can have me help these broken families in the future! I have experienced the pain and heartbreak in my life to be able to relate and help these families in need. Through my pain, I can lead others to the healing love of Jesus. When I used to think about this in the past I would say "That doesn't make some of the stuff I have gone through worth it" but as I thought about it today I thought "Yes. If my story can bring one more person to Jesus, then it is worth it!"

The other point to her sermon was this- God doesn't work like Instagram. Our society is SO used to instant gratification that if we told most of the kids from this generation that we used to have to wait three days before we could see a roll of film and 3/4 of the pictures wouldn't turn out they probably would stare at you like a deer in headlights. They are used to selfies, and if you don't like it you delete it. God is old fashioned, and our lives are like old fashioned film. It's going to take time.

I LOVED when she talked about King David and the time between when he was anointed to be king, and when he actually became king. She said it was approximately TWENTY YEARS. TWENTY YEARS?!?!?!? 20 years to be prepped and trained and molded by God to fulfill his purpose. Wow. And here I am whining because it's been about 6 years for me since I started my healing journey. That simply BLEW MY MIND.

So as I thought about all of this, my mind simply became at peace for the first time in months. I don't know where I will be in a month. I have a job interview lined up, but you never know. But for the first time (possibly in forever!) I am not worried about it. I know that God has it worked out already, and I just need to spend some time in the dark room before this picture develops and I can add it to my photo album of life.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you expecting God to change your life in the amount of time it takes to post it to Instagram? Or are you in it for the long haul and running to the darkroom to be developed? Trust him. Trust his timing. Trust the darkness. It's going to be okay. Don't fight his timing, trust his purpose. If you would have asked me about this yesterday, I would have said something COMPLETELY different to you. You really never know when your time in the darkroom will be over and morning will surface! Trust him!