A Mended Heart

I haven't posted in a while. I wanna say that wasn't intentional but in some ways I am not sure if it was intentional or not. I have had a lot going in in my personal life as well as at work. We haven't had any girls for a little bit at work which has left time for working on policies and procedures, as well as a lot of self care time for staff which in some ways is awesome, and in some ways it's really hard. 

I am no stranger to self care or self awareness. Ask anyone who has ever had a deep conversation with me- I LOVE learning more about myself and how my brain operates and why I act the way I do. I love counseling, and I find it fascinating to see how we can alter our behaviors. I love it. But sometimes? Sometimes I get hyper focused on things. I get in too deep. And I get overwhelmed.

It's been hard for me to balance that over the past few weeks. I have learned a LOT, don't get me wrong. It's so so so clear to me that God brought me here for this season for a clear reason, and it has been incredible. But it has been HARD. I've been getting really wrapped up in my own brokenness, if I am being honest. And constantly asking God "How can you use me when ______ (panic attacks, anxiety, depression, whatever) keeps happening?! You can't POSSIBLY want or be able to use me when I am still this broken!" 

And then I hear this song. My co-workers have often talked about how this song is basically the theme song of our ministry. And I sit here and I let the words wash over my heart over and over again as I think "It was never supposed to be this way. This is not how I planned my life at all." And yet God keeps whispering to me "I see healing beyond belief. I am not finished yet. When you see wounded I see Mended." 

There's nothing I can to do lose what Grace has won. Think about that.... There is NOTHING that has happened to me or will happen to me that can defeat God's grace and love for me. I watch as my co-workers pour grace over and over again as we all navigate our own stories. We all have our pain, each and every one of us. How it comes out just looks different based on our stories. 

And so I sit here sipping my coffee and all I can think is this "I am so thankful God is mending my heart." It hurts, and it is not an easy process. But as I talk to my therapist and others who I know have my back and believe in me every step of the way, I am excited. I am excited to see how God is going to work through all of this. I look back on myself a year ago, and I have changed SO MUCH. So much. I would not be able to handle the life I have right now last year. It would have been too much. And so I sit here and I think "Yes. I feel challenged right now, and sometimes it hurts and it is scary. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is bringing me the healing that I have longed for, and I couldn't ask for anything more. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you today: What part of your life do you need to start seeing from God's perspective? I challenge you to bring your pain before God and ask him to show you the purpose in your pain. Ask Him why it has to be this way. Ask Him to show you how He is mending your heart. Challenge yourself to change your perspective. I am NOT saying this means to shove emotion and pretend you're happy. NO. I am saying the opposite. I am saying ask God to give you the strength to TRULY face that pain. To feel it, grieve it, and let it out. I am asking you to ask God to help you forgive people who have hurt and continue to hurt you. I am asking you to ask God to show you His grace in every moment of your life today. I hate tears. I hate crying. I hate anger- I hate yelling. I hate it all. And yet I know that God is gently helping me learn to feel and express these things in a healthy way so I can truly be the person He created me to be. And I think that is such an incredible gift- the fact that we actually have the opportunity to be healed and whole through Christ. So I challenge you today- take that step. Allow God to show you how He is mending your wounds step by step. You won't regret it. 

Are You Ready to Be Made Well?

Healing. It's a concept that I talk about in almost every single post that I write on this blog, and yet I have had a hard time sitting down to write this post. I was recently invited to be a part of the launch team for Jenny Simmons new book "Made Well". As many of you know, I read her first book "The Road to Becoming" a few months ago and it utterly changed my life. 

The same has been true with Made Well. This book came at a time when I have never been more fully aware that God is taking me on a new journey of healing and restoration, and it's been terrifying quite honestly. Jenny takes the concept of healing in Made Well and breaks it down on a level that is soothing and comforting and leads you right back to Jesus in a way that I didn't really even think was possible. 

I have said many times before that I have this idea in my head of what my own healing is supposed to look like. I have told my counselor a million times "I know I will actually be healed when _______ happens." And in reality? Most of those things haven't happened and it's kept me going in circles for a while now. And then I read this book, and it made me redefine what my own healing could look like. I love when Jenny says " Healing happens when we entrust ourselves to God's care and become aware of the miraculous ways He is at work in our midst, binding the wounds. While we yell "FIX IT!"  and shake our fists at the lack of response, God is often quietly at work behind the scenes answering in ways we would never expect or pray for. The ways that come small, steady, and whispery in the dark of the night in the depths of pain. The ways that aren't always bashy and grand."

I don't know about you, but healing has always appeared bashy and grand in my own mind. It had to be spectacular, it had to be incredible! It had to be EVERYTHING that I demanded, or else God MUST not be who he says he is. Well guess what? That's just not true. 

"Miracles happen, cures are discovered, and seemingly impossible situations and relationships are redeemed and restored here and now. But even if they are not, my ability for wholeness is not diminished or stolen. Far beyond the curing of our bodies or the fixing of our temporal situations, God is in the business of making us well in completely other ways."

I read this quote, and in many ways it gives my heart sweet relief. It gives me sweet relief to know that God is still God regardless if I still wake up in the morning with anxiety and depression. God is still God even when I show signs of having PTSD. God is still God when I have flashbacks and panic attacks. God is still God when I am angry and hurting. God is still God, and he IS healing my heart in ways I cannot even conceive or imagine. God may not heal my mental health issues on this side of heaven, but He can and has made me well in completely other ways.

At some point in our lives we all need healing. I know we haven't all been abused, or seen the horrors of war, or watched a loved one die. But we have all without fail experienced deep pain. We all have experienced hurt, loss and grief in some nature. And that means we all need to go on a healing journey of some nature. Yes, some may be longer than others. Some may be shorter. But at some point we all need healing in some regard. And that's what I want to challenge you to today.

I used to think my wholeness and wellness depended on the people I had around me in my life- family, friends, co-workers, my therapist etc. And in all reality, that does play a roll. And I blamed and continue to blame all of them when my healing isn't going in the direction that I have planned for it too. But the truth? The truth is that my wholeness and wellness comes from and is only dependant on Christ alone, and I trust that He has, and will continue to make me well. I am very clear that I love mental health. I love counseling, I love my therapist in a professional way, and I LOVE the healing that God has brought to my life through those resources and is continuing to take me on. I want to challenge you today to take your own step towards your own healing journey- What roadblocks to healing do you have up? What is your "I know I will actually be healed when _______ happens." statement? I want to challenge you today to really think through "Is that realistic? and can I trust Jesus to still heal my heart even if that doesn't happen?" Being healthy and whole are NOT the same thing. I have tried MANY 'health' things to fix my un-wholeness, trust me. It doesn't work. The definition of healthy is "enjoying or possessing good health and vigor of body and spirit." Healing literally means "to make whole". One is a possession, the other is a process. I have searched for the possession my entire life, and it's finally time to commit to the process, 100%.


So here is my random thought of the day for you- Do you want to be Made Well? Are you ready to commit to this journey of letting God heal you in ways you could never ask or imagine? It will be messy, and it will hurt and be filled with scars and scabs. But, the healing and freedom that will come from it will be far more worth it than you can even comprehend. I challenge you today to take whatever steps you need to to start this journey- set up an appointment with a therapist. Call a friend, call me, join a church group. Just do something. And I can promise you that God is going to honor your vulnerability and willingness to to dive into this journey with him.

P.S.- If you are wanting to buy Jenny's book (which I highly highly recommend!!!!) Go check it out on amazon at the link below!!

https://www.amazon.com/Made-Well-Finding-Wholeness-Everyday/dp/0801018900/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

Our God Reigns

I have had this song on repeat alllll morning. I've probably heard it a good 20 times today, no exaggeration. I encourage you to listen to this song, and pray the lyrics over yourself, home, work, family and friends. Honestly? I had it blasting earlier and was praying for Ann Arbor and all the students as I drove through town earlier. 

Everyone always talks about how when you are clearly doing the work of God, you'll be under extra attack from the devil. I always took that with a grain of salt. Coming from a background where I was always convinced that something bad was going to happen and it was always God's fault, I figured "What more could Satan do to me that God hasn't punished me with already?!" (Yes. I know- WAY messed up thinking... Praise God I don't feel this way anymore after a lot of mentoring from strong adult Christian leaders!!) 

But yet here I am. Starting my second year of working ministry full time. A place I NEVER expected to find myself even as I graduated from college. I never saw myself working ministry because I wasn't sure what I actually thought and believed about God for a longggg time. And I thought "If I have questions, how the heck am I going to answer other peoples questions when they have them?!" Thankfully again I have learned that sometimes the best ministry comes out of being authentic and simply just admitting that you don't know it all and that is totally okay! Working in ministry has actually solidified and strengthened my faith in a way that I never really thought could be possible. 

After the past two weeks being INSANE at work. I had moments where I questioned what the heck I was doing, but thankfully I never really considered running and quitting. But, I have felt like the house where I work has been under spiritual attack recently. Each of my co-workers and myself have faced incredible challenges in our personal life on top of work being crazy. We work with some of the most vulnerable, hurting, abused kids on the face of this planet. The work we do is really important. Not because we are good at what we do, but because our work is the hands and feet of Jesus giving his love to these precious girls. And I have been angry, quite honestly! I have yelled on my short drive home from work praying for my girls and praying that Satan would get the heck out of our house, because he does NOT reign there. 

And so here I sit at my weekly Starbuck date with myself, and I feel angry still. I just want to scream at Satan to leave my girls alone! Leave my co-workers alone! Go pick on someone else! And yet, then I listen to the words of this song: 

"Our God reigns here, Our God reigns here. We claim this ground in Jesus’ name ‘Cause our God reigns. Our God reigns here, Our God reigns here. The battle’s won-Have no fear ’Cause God reigns here-He reigns here!"

Did you read that? 'the battle's won, have no fear cuz God reigns here. The battle is won. I have a righteous anger at Satan, don't get me wrong, and I could waste ALL the time in the world being mad at him for the destruction he is causing. But in reality? That is JUST what he wants me to do. He has thrown obstacle after obstacle in our paths trying to make it impossible to help these girls, and prove to them that they are unloveable.  And if I listen to that, it makes my human nature shiver with fear. 

But what does my TRUE identity say? The identity who is secure in Christ as a daughter of the King, and knows that I am living on a battleship for the army of Christ, not a cruise ship? My true self says "Satan, you have no place here. I command you to leave here in Jesus name. Come back from whence you came." And with that? I straighten my helmet of salvation, buckle my helmet of truth, and take up my sword of the spirit. And that is that. I do NOT have to spend my time fighting pointless battles with Satan- I know who wins in the end. I will defend and protect these girls till my dying breath, but in reality? Thats it for me. I can't really save them. I cant really heal them. I can guide them, love them and protect them. But in reality we need God to do the real protection and fight the ultimate battle against satan for us. 

And so, that's my new mission for this journey. I can put on my armor of God each morning, and pray for protection and strength for my girls, and know that in the end God will defeat Satan and all will be well in the new heaven and the new earth. I can continue leading my girls on this path of healing, and recognizing that they are made well regardless if all of their physical and mental scars are miraculously healed or not. (more on that later this week!) 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... Where are you forgetting that God does in fact reign and not Satan? Where are you spending wayyyy too much energy trying to defeat Satan on your own when in reality you need to let God step in and do his thing? We often convince ourselves that it feels more safe to feel secure and protect ourselves by ourselves because we are in control, but I promise you the security that comes with giving these battles over to Christ will give you peace that surpases all understanding. So I challenge you today- what do you need to give over to Christ? What battles do you need to stop fighting physically and mentally and start fighting with prayer? I encourage you to take some time tonight and sit down with God and reassess your battle plan. You won't regret it!