This Is Me

"I am not a stranger to the dark

"Hide away", they say

"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

"Run away", they say

"No one'll love you as you are"

I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, 

This is me!

Look out 'cause here I come! And I'm marching on to the beat I drum! I'm not scared to be seen- I make no apologies, this is me!"

I cried harder in counseling today than I have in a long time. I have been so frustrated by this last season..... lots of pain, transition, change, chaos, and just plain insanity. I've watched as 90% of my friends have either completely walked out of my life, or just simply can't find the time to talk anymore or meet up when they happen to be home. I cried as I talked about spending my entire life apologizing for who I am, for things that I like/don't like. I cried as I talked about trying so hard to get everyone in my lifes approval over and over again simply to be shut down over and over again. I have found myself in a season of limited community, few true friends, a job I can mostly tolerate but not love, and just pain and frustration. I got out of counseling and saw a facebook post I honestly wish I would have never seen, and was just physically and emotionally spent for the day.

I called one of my best friends, and asked her if she wanted to hit up Chick Fil A and the movies tonight. She suggested we go see "The Greatest Showman". I was kinda neutral on my desire to see it, and decided why not. Yall. It's rare that I cry in movies.... like really rare. And this one almost had me in tears. I resonated with the characters in a way I never expected. While I am not the bearded lady, or 8 ft tall, or 750 lbs or albino or any of the other things that made these characters unique- I am human. And I think everyone in their life has at least one season where they just feel like they don't fit in, or don't belong where you are stuck. Unfortunately, I have felt this way many, many times throughout my life. 

I watched as the Showman abandoned his values and kept pushing for his dream, forgetting the whole reason why he started in the first place. I watched as his crew was repeatedly told they were worthless, ugly, stupid, and shouldn't show their real selves over and over again. But finally, they hit the point where they have found their family, and they are proud of who they are. They stop apologizing for who they are, and drown out all the haters. They realize there is a place for them, they are not worthless. I have listened to this song over and over again since we left the movies. It was just the boost I needed today. My counselor tells me this in every session- she always tells me that she is proud of me, thinks I am great, and worthy of love. Getting words like that from your counselor is kinda like getting them from your parents.... on some level you know it is true, but you feel like they have to say it because they are biased haha But as I thought about my counselors words today, and listened to these lyrics it really hit me.... I am done apologizing for who I am. This is who I am meant to be, and if people don't like that, then good riddance!

I know the people I am thinking of will probably never read this, and if you do, I am glad because I want to say this: To all the people who have walked out of my life in the past few years, to the people who can't find the time to pick up the phone, respond to texts, grab coffee, or really involve me in your life at all: Thank you. You have caused me a lot of pain- I am not going to sugar coat this. You've made me question who I am as a person, and made me wonder what's wrong with me that you can't find time for me anymore. I do get it on some level, life happens. People move, get married, have kids, etc. But in a day in age where it is easier than ever to keep in touch with people, I find the lack of connection simply irritating and careless. But that being said, I still thank you. I miss some of you terribly to the point where it physically hurts, and a lot of times I cry and wish for the past. But I am DONE apologizing. I am done making excuses for you. I am done trying to bend my life around to make it work to try and keep you in my life. I am done putting my life on hold hoping you'll come back around. I am DONE putting myself second to make everyone else in my life first. And if you don't like that? Good. It makes it easier to see who is really for me when push comes to shove and no one is around. Some people may read this and think I am angry at these people: Oh, don't get me wrong. I am angry. Angry that I poured my time, emotions, money, and love into relationships that disappeared like dust overnight. But from anger can come a lot of beautiful growth. I wouldn't have had the courage to post this a while ago. This isn't me being passive aggressive either- so don't think that. Everyone who I am thinking of when I write this I have had a similar conversation about this with many many many times. And if I haven't had that conversation with you, it's not about you. So stop worrying about it. Thank you for walking away. Thank you for giving me the courage to stop apologizing for who I am. Because of all of you, I will NEVER apologize for who I am, try to change who I am, what I want to do/be, or lower my standards for anyone ever again just to attempt and find love.

I am brave. I am bruised. This is who I am meant to be. This is ME. 

So this is my random thought of the day for you: DO NOT change who you are for the sake of others. Do not apologize for who you are, and who you want to become. Life is too short to have people in your life where all they are gonna do is keep dragging you down. There ARE people who will love you JUST as you are. There ARE people who will love you despite your scars. There ARE people who aren't going to walk away because you are just "too much". There ARE people who aren't going to tell you that you are being selfish and self centered because you are putting yourself first for once. There ARE these people in the world. They are REALLY hard to find. My counselor tells me that every session as well. But I know that there is a place for me, and I am not going to stop fighting until I have my team who loves me for all that I am, all that I was, all that I will be, and isn't gonna just disappear. So watch out world-

Here. I. Come. 

How Big is Your Brave?

 We've all heard the song. (If by some chance you haven't a link to the music video is at the bottom of the post) It played on every radio station, every day for months just like every other popular song. And yet, this song has always challenged me in a way that I haven't really ever been able to put fully into words.

I was listening to Brave as I was working on an assignment for counseling last week. There has been some stuff that I have needed to process and work through that I have just not had any interest in facing up until now. The past year put me through the ringer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically and I finally decided that I have had enough. I have had enough of doing everything to please everyone around me, and never putting myself first. I have had enough of letting my physical, mental, and spiritual health be all over the place. I've simply had enough. And as I have talked about with my counselor many, many times I came to the same conclusion- the only one who can do anything about all this crap is me. And so I took a step as I was sitting journaling, and I honestly thought "What would happen if I was brave?"

What would happen if I said what I wanted to say? What would happen if I was simply just me? What would happen if I was brave enough to really give up my poor eating habits? What if I was really brave enough to actually start my days in prayer? What would happen? My first thought "Well. Everyone and everything good will be gone." But what if my definition of "good" isn't accurate? I've had a lot of really "good" relationships with friends over the years. And yet, the older I get the more I realize that a lot of those relationships were unhealthy, partially because of some of my actions, and partially because of actions of friends. I truly believe my definition of "good" needs an overall. Because in reality? There are so many things I associate with being "good". We say all the time that God is good. But we also say McDonald's is good. (Don't get me wrong.... I love McDonald's but I know darn well it's not good for me.) Both cannot be good. We talk all the time about how God has "good" things for us..... But what if our definition of "good" is flawed? It scares me sometimes when people tell me that God has good things for me, because "good" has not always been "good' throughout my life. And yet, what if we really (and I mean really, seriously) took the time to reassess our definition of good? What if we were brave enough to sit down, and really ask God to show us what Good HE has for our life, and not what the world's definition of good is?

I took a huge risk this week, and I decided to open up the box of things that I haven't been dealing with emotionally in counseling. The things in the box? They aren't good. They are traumatic, painful, and ugly. Some of them are even under the disguise of good like moving away, or graduating college. But they still hold immense pain for me. And by finally letting them out the good finally gets to be what it is: Good. And the ugly goes away. The pain goes away. While it hasn't yet, I know full well it will because Jesus was brave enough to take every ounce of my pain with Him on the cross and it died 2000 years ago. I just gotta stop letting it stick around.

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... How big is your brave? Are you willing to slow down this year, and let God make your "good" actually be good? Are you willing to reassess your life, and really acknowledge that while things haven't gone as you have planned, maybe God actually can make them good? Can I challenge you? Be brave. Call the person you are fighting with. Make an appt. with a therapist. Stop eating the junk food. Challenge yourself to see the goodness of who God has created you to be. I know you are brave enough to do it!