Fall Apart

A few years ago, if you would have come and asked me if I had ever felt that I had gone through anything rough in life, I would have told you no, I had a reasonably easy, simple life. Sure, there were a few bumps along the road, but nothing life altering. I was reliant on myself, and myself alone and I was completely okay with that. I remember when that changed. A few months prior to things getting a little crazy, I prayed a very simple prayer. I said "God, I want to love you more than anything in my life. Do whatever it takes to make me satisfied with you alone." Now, I prayed this prayer many times actually but I never truly believed that God really would do whatever it took to get my relationship on track with him. Turns out I was wrong, and I am so thankful that I was.

I just heard the above song on a radio station called KLOVE today. It really fits my life for the past few years. I used to be satisfied with going through the motions of my faith and never "feeling" anything. I never understood the verses about trials and suffering when I had never gone through something like that. My life was good- so I praised God. There was no growing in my faith even though I thought there was. I felt that this part really described the first part of my journey:

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
Now it all seems upside down


This part kind of fits the part of the journey I am on right now:
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me


I don't know how long things will keep seeming to fall apart, or how long the pain will last. But my perspective has changed and it has helped me to find God so much. I never would have thought that my little world would need to be taken apart piece by piece for me to learn to rely on God, but that is what it is taking. It has taken years for me to be okay with these trials and the pain that comes with them, years for me to be thankful for this, and years for me to accept the things that have happened and move forward. But the changes that have occurred in my life are worth it. Of course I want the pain to be over, but I honestly believe that my perfect little world caving in is the best thing that has ever happened to me.