It's Freshman Move in Day! I should be excited, not crying, Right?!

Two years ago, almost to the day, I spent my first night of college in Esther dorm. I remember this day, and most of the details that went with it. I know I cried at least once, not sure if this whole "college" thing was going to be as cool as everyone was trying to make it seem. It feels like an eternity ago, and yet it feels like just yesterday at the same time.

And here I am today. Two years later. A completely different person, and I am okay with that fact. I am now part of our student leadership team and today I got to help move in the freshman. As I took a step back I remembered what it was like to be in their shoes- terrified out of my mind and unsure of what lay ahead of me. I moved quite a few girls into Esther today, and then suddenly I couldn't handle it anymore. I literally had to step outside and I burst into tears.

It's move in day! I should have been excited, and happy and thrilled for a new year. But for a moment, I really wasn't. I moved people into my old SLR Ashley's room today, and it cemented one thing into my head: She is gone, things are different, you are no longer a freshman and she isn't coming back for a while. And suddenly, it was like all the emotion hit like a ton of bricks and I couldn't control it and had to step outside for a bit. I am going to miss her terribly, and it made me realize the impact that she has had on my life.

Ashley was exactly my age when she became the SLR of my freshman dorm. 20 and a Junior. I saw her and my RA as leaders, older students who I knew I could look up to and trust. Who I knew would protect me and take care of me. People who would be my friends. And I realized today that there are girls here who may grow to look up to me the way I look up to her. And in a lot of ways that scares the crap out of me. It's not that I don't think I could be there friend, or love them, or help them fall more in love with Jesus. It's just the fact that I still feel like a baby freshman sometimes. I still feel like I just got here and have so much more to learn. How could someone depend on me, if a lot of times I feel like I am in the same place as them?.

I know if God wants this to happen it will, even if I don't trust him to use the abilities he has given me. I am scared to possibly be an "older sister" to these girls. What if I let them down? I think this post is a little deeper than some of the stuff that I usually write. I may not feel ready to be this person in a freshmans life, but God has a plan for it.

So here is my random thought of the day: It is okay to cry. It is okay that I "ruined" move in day for myself to let myself take 5 min and cry. It is okay that Ashley is leaving, and that I am scared out of my mind to be her role in my life to someone else. It's okay because I know God is in control and will do whatever he needs to do in my life. So trust him, and let the tears flow. He has got you in his hands. 

4 Semesters Down, 4 to Go!

It's that time of year again. Tomorrow I move back on campus to start my Junior year. I wrote a very similar post at this time last year, but my feelings were completely different. I am thrilled to say that the majority of my anxiety for this year has gone away, at least for the past few days. I know there are gonna be a TON of changes this year, and probably some that I don't like all that much. I know I am going to miss my friend Ashley terribly, and there will be hard days. But I know this as well- God has me at Concordia for a reason. It becomes more evident to me every day that I am there. I am beyond excited to see what he has planned for me this year, I cannot even put it into words.

I am beyond excited to get to live in a newly renovated dorm, and to be surrounded by a dorm full of people that I love. I am excited for spiritual life training and to grow deeper in my faith and as a person. I am soooooooo excited to see some of my best friends who I haven't seen since May, and to be back at the place I consider my 2nd home.

So here we go. I am choosing to let my faith be bigger than my fear. It's going to be an exciting ride- and I can't wait. Next time you hear from me I will be somewhere on Concordia's wonderful campus! Please be praying for me as I start out on this new chapter of my life!! :)

Change is Coming

Fall is right around the corner. It's hard to believe considering I still feel like summer just started. I love the change in seasons- the gorgeous colors of the trees and the cool fall nights. I love when the leaves fall off the trees and everywhere you walk you can hear them crunching. 

I was thinking today about all the changes that are coming for me this fall. Every day I am having to convince myself to not be worried about it and to trust that everything will be great. Don't get me wrong- I am beyond excited to go back to school. There is just such a great amount of unknown that it makes me uncomfortable.

I was going to write something to my friend Stephanie on Facebook earlier today and I saw one of her statuses from a few days ago; "Have no fear that the leaves are falling, it just means you are changing seasons. Let the tears fall as they may. Maybe something beautiful will spring up. Sometimes the dirt has to be ravaged before the pretty little seed can burst up in joy again." It totally made me stop in my tracks and look at this coming fall and other changes in our life from a new perspective. Every time change happens, we are entering a new season of life. We may be thrilled about the change, (winter to spring) or really unhappy (fall to winter). We are going to have gorgeous days (think blue skys, 75 degrees) and nasty days (snow.) But you can't have seasons without both. It just wouldn't be right. Our lives are the same way. 

I don't like that a new season is coming. I want the sunny and 75 days to stick around 24/7, but that isn't how life works. It's okay that the leaves are changing color and falling, it's okay if I cry. This season of my life is coming to an end. And while I may not like it, God may need to do some work in my life and let me rest during the winter before the new flowers of spring can burst through the soil again. There are going to be moments of this season that I love, and moments that I wish didn't happen. But through it all I know this- God is in control of the weather. He isn't going to let anything happen during this season that I can't handle with his help.

So here we go. A new season is coming, and instead of trying to fight it, and keep convincing myself that maybe I can stop it, I am going to start trying to embrace it. 

(Insert interesting post title here)

Today is my 20.5 birthday. I have been alive for approximately 7,482.5 days. Thats kind of crazy to think about. In some ways, it seems like nothing. In other ways it seems like a really long time. It is kind of crazy for me to think that I am going to be 21 in 6 months. It seems like not that long ago I was in elementary school. 21 is a really big deal in our society- it is the age when you are truly considered an adult. And yet, our brains aren't fully formed until age 25. Funny how that works.

I have a lot going on in my life right now. It's crazy to me to think that in a week from Friday I will be moving back on campus to start my Junior year of college. I feel like I was just a freshman, how can I possibly be a Junior already?! This fall I am going to be starting some new things that are really going to prepare me for my career. It is kind of scary to think about. I'm not sure that I am ready to be a full fledged adult yet. I still enjoy sleeping in and eating junk food and watching cartoons. I literally have a week left of summer vacation. Although, I will admit this has not been very "vacation" like at all. It is going to go by so fast, and in some ways I am ready to go back, but in some ways I am really not ready for all the changes this fall is going to throw at me.

I feel like I am on the edge of something big, and yet I have no idea what it is. I just know it is going to be great, and God is in control. I just spent an hour reading over some of my posts from the last 2 years. My life has changed so much, and it is incredible to me. I never thought I would be doing or saying some of the things I am now, but God has known about every detail since the beginning.

Life is amazing. I hope you are realizing that or you will realize it someday. As I read over this post, it seems so crazy and jumping from one thing to another. But that is what my life is like, so I guess this is a good representation!!

I'm not sure if I really had a specific point in mind with this post. Maybe I did. I don't really know. Usually I do. But I guess just know this- God has a plan for you. Even when your thoughts seem random and scattered like mine feel tonight, God is going to use each and every one of them. Don't worry- Be happy. Don't get mad, get Glad. He has got this in his hands, and eventually he will play connect the dots and show you the big picture and show you how all of your random thoughts are connected to make something amazing.

Precious, Sacred, Memories

This, is my grandpa's tractor. I remember the last time he took me for a ride. I was probably nine or ten years old and we rode all around his yard and back through the woods. He even taught me how to drive. I got hit in the face a couple of times by some tree branches, but it was something I will never forget. That moment when he said to me, "Rissa, go grab your jacket. I'm gonna show you how to drive the tractor today!" Today, memories like this flooded my heart and brought tears of joy and of pain.

My grandpa had a major heart attack today, and during the longest 2 hour drive of my life we thought we might lose him. We still aren't totally sure what happened. He is stable, and we are thankful. But it really made me take a step back and remember all the precious moments I have shared with this man I call Grandpa.

Some of my earliest memories are from spending the summers up at my grandparents cottage. The sweet smell of "Up North" and the rustling of trees. Campfires every night, too many marshmallows to count, and the loud clinking of horseshoes. I loved the spiral climbing stairs, and the homeyness of their cabin. I loved camping out with my cousins, and coming up with too many adventures to count. I loved digging in the dirt and screaming every time my feet touched a lilly pad in the lake. I loved getting up early with him to feed the ducks, and coming home to warm blueberry pancakes for breakfast made by my grandma. I loved our watermelon seed spitting contests, hearing him whistle a tune, and most of all his laugh. I loved that he could just look at the shy, impatient grin on my face and know that I wanted him to take me three wheeling. I miss the wind flying though my helmet covered hair as we sped down the dirt roads and through the woods and my mom yelling for him not to go so fast! I remember when he let me drive by myself for the first time and I kept running into a giant tank in their yard over and over again and he would just laugh and laugh before he came to help me.

I remember when he backed his jeep into our van and broke our headlight. I remember when we would go to the moose for breakfast and I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. I remember when they would get to our house for Christmas Eve and it was like suddenly everything was more fun. I remember Easter egg hunts, and Christmas Eve's and all the special moments a kid should remember at their house. I remember when our power went out and he came and "rescued" me and took me to his house to spend the weekend with my cousins while my parents were home in the cold. I remember hours of picking blackberries back in his woods, and Grandma making blackberry cobbler for all of us. I remember walking down the rows of his garden as he taught me about the plants and we would pick ripe things to eat for dinner.

I remember the tears when I found out he had cancer, and they weren't sure if he was going to make it. I remember the fear of not knowing if I would ever see him being himself ever again. And now, I will always remember today- August 6th, 2012. The day I almost lost my grandpa. I will remember the fear during the long drive, my almost inability to hold back my tears, and I will remember trusting that Jesus would make everything okay in the end. I will never forget seeing my grandma's face when we got off the elevator, and her look of relief and joy when she told us he was stable. I will never forget the long walk back to his room, not sure of how he was going to be. But most of all, I will never forget walking into his room and hearing him whistle a little and his voice saying "Well golle, I didn't think all of you were gonna be comin up here. Well hello sweet girl! How is school? You best be keeping those grades up right?" Those were some of the sweetest, most wonderful words I have ever heard in my life. My grandpa, in the ICU extremely sick, and he still wants to know that I am keeping my grades up. I will never, ever forget that moment.

My grandpa isn't out of the woods yet. They have surgeries to do and tests to run. But I know one thing- I will never, ever forget today. Thats my random thought of the day for you- Don't let these precious, sacred, memories go right on by. Sights, smells, and sounds may seem pointless to remember right now, but one day, you may be clinging on to them and cherishing them more than you ever realized. We aren't promised tomorrow- remember that. Tell someone you love them, give them another hug, because tomorrow may be too late. 

Don't Let Go- Hold On To Every Moment

Someone once told me that in order to find out what we are supposed to do with our lives, we need to find out what we are truly passionate about. We need to find the thing that breaks us down to our core and we would do anything in the world to make it stop. I found mine a long time ago, and yet every Sunday it is reaffirmed in my mind. Two words: Pediatric Cancer.

Most of you know I volunteer on the cancer floor at Mott. I have known for years that I wanted to work with kids with cancer. I have been told I shouldn't- it is too heartbreaking, they are very sick, how will I feel if they don't make it? And yet it is at this place I find hope.

Every week I see kids who are so sick that some are not allowed to leave their rooms. I have kids with so many tubes and lines running out of them I can barely count them. I have kids who constantly feel like they are going to be sick, and are barely able to do anything. I have high schoolars who aren't sure if they are going to be able to play sports in the fall, and they wonder what their friends are going to think of them without any hair. I have kids who can barely speak, and all they want you to do is sit and watch spongebob with them. Some may find this terribly depressing- I find it inspiring.

These kids, these families- they know the value of life, of every moment of every day. They know what it means to trust Jesus. Just today, a man was sharing the gospel with another family outside of his very sick son's hospital room. They know how important it is to say I love you before leaving, the meaning of one more hug. They aren't worried about what their house looks like, or if they are going to be able to have the new fashions for the next school year. They aren't out buying Coach purses and flat screens.  Instead, they are buying bubbles so they can enjoy some giggles and smiles with their four year old. I want the desire for life that these families have. I want the urgency of the fact that we aren't promised another day. I want to live a life of love and service to those around me. I want to make a difference.

Cancer makes me very angry- I don't want these kids to suffer anymore. I want a cure more than anything else in the world. These children have their childhoods robbed from them and it just isn't fair. If you get nothing else from this post, know this- Life is precious. Let your kids do the silly things they want to do. Let them live life to the fullest. Let them enjoy the beautiful childhood God has given them. But I also want you to know this- Pediatric Cancer is very real, and takes lives every moment of every day. Please join with me in the fight for these children. If nothing else, pray for them. Pray for their doctors, their parents, their siblings, their friends. These precious fighters need all the prayer warriors they can get.

Jesus Loves The Little Children

How many times have you heard this song? Probably a million. I know I have. I think I have been able to sing the words to this song since the time I could talk. But have you ever sat down and really listened to the words though? I know I never have. Have you ever thought about what it is saying? Often times we teach this to young children so that they can begin to learn that Jesus loves them. But what about us as adults? We don't often think of ourselves as children, but we are still children of the king of kings and He loves us dearly. 

I was thinking about this as I sat in church today. For a long time, I have had a hard time understanding the love of God. I didn't understand how he could still love me even though I sin often, and really am nothing in comparison to his glory. But then earlier this summer, my friend Stephanie posted a picture one day of a little child. She wrote underneath it "If God loves me like the way I love these children, I think I am starting to understand his love." It suddenly became clear to me. I love love love spending time with kids. Everything they do brings me joy- from laughter even to having to change stinky diapers. God's love for us is exactly the same. NOTHING we do will change his love for us. Nothing is going to make him leave, make him abandon us. Even messing up big time, or causing him pain. He is still going to love you! He wants to spend time with you, to laugh with you, to cry with you. You are his precious child, and nothing will ever, ever change that.

So here is my random thought of the day for you- Sit in Jesus's love a little bit today. Let him show you how much he loves you, how much he wants to take care of you, to work in your life. He tells us in Matthew 19:14 "Let the little children come to me- and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Go to him today and rest in his love. You may not be a child anymore in the eyes of the world, but you are in the eyes of Christ, and he loves you more than you can even imagine. 

You Are Making Me New

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

My friend Stephanie posted this verse earlier today; it was definitely something I needed to hear. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the past that I truly forget about my life now and my future ahead of me. I was thinking about some stuff that I have done in the past, and I was thinking "How could I have been so dumb?! Why did I do those things?!" 

Many people don't know this, but I struggle with anxiety. It is a challenge for me to go places that there are going to be a lot of people, especially parties or large group settings. Usually, I have a pretty good handle on it, but sometimes I really don't. Sometimes I literally have to get up and leave a room because it is too much for me to handle. It is embarrassing. Especially because most of the time I can't explain why I need to leave, I just know I need too. I get frustrated easily, and get too easily wrapped up in what I think people think.

This may seem unconnected to what I wrote above. But here is the thing- when I have an anxiety attack and don't react in ways I want too, I think about it for days afterwards. I think about how embarrassed I get and how much I wish I would have done things differently. I dwell on the past and let the scenario run through my mind over and over again. God doesn't want us to live our lives like this. He doesn't want us to dwell in the past. He wants us to be here, now, present. Not worrying about what we could have done differently, or what we think we should have done, or what other people think about us.

I really love this quote "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift from God. That is why we call it  the present!" I am currently working through my anxiety problems. God is making me a new person- a person free from anxiety and ready to enjoy this glorious present he has given me and help me to stop dwelling in the past. So here is my random thought of the day for you- Stop dwelling in the past. Stop beating yourself up for the things you wish you could have done differently. The past is behind you, but you have your entire future to try again. He loves you, and he has called you to a life that is far greater than how you are living right now. You just need to trust him.