The Honest Cries of a Breaking Heart are Better than a Hallelujah

I think for the first time in my life tonight this song made actual sense to me. I was driving home back to Concordia this evening, and I just really told God what was on my mind. Mostly the bad and the ugly. There wasn't much good. Not gonna lie. There was a lot of yelling and tears. Some may say, "Why are you telling me this?! These are the kinds of things that you don't tell people- you are supposed to smile and be happy- you're a Christian." But thats the thing you all need to know. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. If I was, I wouldn't need Jesus. Being a Christian doesn't make my life a field filled with daisies. I still struggle and I still have trouble being honest with God about my struggles. My friend Ashley has told me a bajillion times that I need to be honest with God. And I really thought up until this point that I had been. Until tonight. Tonight I got real with God and I legit poured out what was on my heart.

This semester, my life has been turned upside down. I have had problems getting my practicum set up, relationship issues with people, friend problems, school problems, stress in general, and other crazy things that I never in a million years thought would happen have happened. If you can think of it, there is a good chance I have dealt with it over the past few weeks. And I hit a point last week where I finally said:

"God, I cannot do this anymore.What more do you want from me?!" 

I went through the rest of my week literally in some of the lowest pits I have ever reached in my life. Searching, questioning, yelling, praying, talking, and crying. Some are going to read this and contact me and say "Marissa I had no idea you weren't doing well. How can I help you?" I'm not writing this blog post to get your sympathy, or your help or your advice. So honestly- don't try to give it or ask how you can help. You can't. I'm on a journey to truly find God and I have to find Him without people giving Him to me on a silver platter. But then you may ask, "Then why are you telling me all of this if you don't want a pity party?!"

This is why I am telling you this: I want you to realize a lot sooner than I did that God loves our honesty better than a hallelujah sometimes. I have never been more honest with God than I was tonight. Ever. And I felt so free afterwards. Almost like I did something bad, but I know that I didn't. I poured my honest heart out to Him and I know He is going to answer me. So that is why I am writing this to you. I want you to find a way to be honest with God. Go for a drive and scream and yell and cry if you have too. I have never done anything like that in my life before and it was one of the most freeing things I have ever experienced. Or maybe just go to a quiet corner and let yourself cry and pray. But however you do it- show God what is truly on your heart right now. Don't butter it up and make it look pretty. If you are mad tell Him! If you are hurt tell Him! If you are lonely tell Him! He can take it and He will answer you in his timing. 

I'm not "fine/better/healed/over it" because of my conversation with God tonight. I have just for the first time laid everything out and said "God, I am coming clean. This is what I really think, how I really feel, and exactly why I don't trust you. Now what do you want me to do with this? Speak Lord, your servant is ready and listening and straining to hear your voice." Go be honest with God tonight. You won't regret it. I am not going to promise instant pain relief because in reality that won't happen. But I am promising that He will listen to you and will never stop loving you and He will light up your path out of your darkness if you choose to let Him.