Grace, Only Grace

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Grace. It's not a word that I heard very often or thought about very often before moving to Shelterwood. Now? I hear this word probably 20 times a day, because the only way we can do this job is by the grace of God. We have to give grace to the littles when they screw up, and we have to give grace to ourselves when we screw up. Its a hard word to fathom for a perfectionist, grace is. The idea that we are allowed to screw up, that we are not going to be perfect in a lot of ways is terrifying for me. I have not lived a grace filled life up to this point. The expectations that I have put on myself and others have often times turned out to be extremely unrealistic. And when those expectations aren't met, I spend hours, days, sometimes weeks or months beating up myself or others for not being good enough.

But here? We don't have time to not give each other and the littles grace. We screw up ALL the time, they screw up all the time. And if we wasted time being mad at ourselves and each other for screwing up, we would never get anywhere. It's a very new concept for me. A few nights ago I was sitting out in the hallway and I just started to cry because I was tired and overwhlemed. A coworker came over to me, gave me a hug and said "How about you go to bed early tonight?" I said "No, I can't. I am not allowed to, I am supposed to be working." and she said to me "I've got your back- go to bed. Thats what we do for each other here, we give each other grace and cover each other's weaknesses. We have to stick together or else we would never make it through this job." My mind was blown- I was upset because I had this expectation set for myself- I was supposed to work till 11:00 no exceptions and I was mad at myself for not meeting my own expectation and yet she gave me grace and told me it was okay to not be able to perfectly handle everything 24/7.

I've had to have a lot of grace for myself, for moments like the hallway and even for things simple like getting my laundry done or getting lost on my way back from the store. Everything in my life is new right now, and I haven't been here long enough yet to feel 100% safe and secure. My emotions haven't really caught up with me yet, and its been challenging. I get mad when I feel like I need to just cry but can't. Its a process, and I am slowly but surely learning to give myself grace throughout the process.

And as hard as it is, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. I am happier here at Shelterwood than I have ever been in my life. I finally feel free to be exactly who God has created me to be, and I feel free to figure out who he has created me to be. I am finally realizing what His love and grace for me looks like and I am overwhelmed by His love and his plan for my life. It is so incredible, I cannot help but smile and praise Him.

His strengths are covering my weaknesses. It is only His grace that can roll my dead hearts stone away and reveal the tomb of my pain and past. It is only by His grace that I have strength to face my inner demons of depression, anxiety, and haunting memories from my past. It is only by His grace that I am learning to forgive people who have deeply wounded me. It is only by His grace I can work with girls whose experiences trigger memories from my past. You see the longer I am here I am learning without His grace my life is nothing- I would be dead in my past and sin without His Grace. My mind is simply blown by this concept of grace and I hope that you will spend some time basking in His grace over the next few days, because His grace truly is sufficient. It is all you need, because once you understand his grace it will give you the power to extend that grace to others and when  you do that, you will change the world for Christ one person at a time. And that is a beautiful thing. 

2 Weeks. It's Beautiful.

2 weeks. I can't believe it was only two weeks ago to the hour that I was on my way back to Shelterwood from Walmart balling my eyes out, wondering if I had made the biggest mistake of my life moving here. And now? I feel as if I have lived here forever. This feels like home, I even fell asleep on our living room floor earlier today, and am finally learning how to navigate around Independence and that is a wonderful feeling :) Its really hard to post an update on my life.... I can't really write a whole lot about what goes on here at the house for confidentiality reasons, but in reality it's hard to even put into words what I'm thinking and feeling and experiencing. God is definitely at work, I have learned SO much about myself even from mostly observing and interacting with the other bigs. It is humbling, and incredible to me that these kids already trust me quite a bit and they've only known me for a few weeks. It is incredible to me to see their faith growing day by day, and watching their hearts begin to heal. It was incredible to meet most of their parents this weekend and hear their stories, and learn about my kids lives outside of the wood. The best way to describe Shelterwood? Beautiful. The idea of beauty coming from pain has never been so real to me. I'm surrounded by some of the most gorgeous scenery I have ever lived in. I get to praise Jesus at work 24/7 in every aspect of my job. This job has shown me how sacred, precious, and beautiful the simplest things in life can be. It has made me take a step back and recognize how lucky I am to have things such as email, my computer, my phone, Facebook, and whatnot as my kids do not have these luxuries. It has made me realize how loved I feel when I get a letter, or someone sends me a note because they are thinking of me. It has been said that Shelterwood is like a purging process- it brings out all of the "dross" just like when gold is refined. The experiences with the kids remind of us of our own impurities and struggles and bring them right up to the surface in a way I cannot even describe. It is painful, frustrating and tiring. But it is so incredibly beautiful, I can barely begin to put it into words.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: How can you see beauty in your day to day life? What feels like it is killing you but in reality is probably refining you? The process is so hard, but I promise it will be worth it in the end. I also ask that you continue praying for me throughout this journey at Shelterwood, as God is revealing my true self.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade and Praise the Lord!

So I am sitting here at Starbucks, processing my day and my first week so far as a whole and I look at my Passion Tea and see this:

To most of the population whose brains don't operate like mine, this simply means Passion Tea Lemonade. But to my special brain, I immediately thought "Praise the Lord". As I laughed about this, I thought I have SO much to praise the Lord about recently! 

As I have been processing the fact that I am now 12 hours away from everyone I have known for my entire life, my mind tempts me to be afraid. Every morning and many times a day Satan puts the lies in my head "You cannot do this. You are not cut out for working with troubled teens. You should just go home." But in reality?! That is FAR from true. Nothing has EVER been more clear to me that this is where God wants me to be, and I am willing to follow that path and his will no matter what the cost.

Admist the fear, I have already learned so much about myself. I have a new sense of freedom that I have never quite experienced before. For the first time in 23 years I am completely on my own, and responsible for my own well being. For the first time in 23 years my parents are not 15 minutes down the road to come bail me out from whatever I may need, whether that is medicine cuz I am sick or money cuz I am poor or whatever the situation may be. And yet Satan tempts me with that. Instead of praising the Lord for him teaching me how to be independent my brain wants to cower in fear. My brain wants to tell me to run away and hide. There have been a few times so far here at the 'wood where I sit down on the couch and think "There is NO way I can do this. I should just leave now. I can't do this. What about my story is EVER going to be able to help these deeply hurting girls?!" And I realized last night- I can't help them or save them. But I can love them. I can pray for them and with them. And I can praise the Lord that he brought every single one of them into my life to teach me a lesson and to help them come closer to Him.

I've finally realized that there are two ways to view life. You can view things how I normally do: Lemons- sour, awful, almost painful. Or? Lemonade. Yes you need those darn lemons. But you also have the sugar- JESUS. I could continue to cower in fear and make myself believe that God will never use me here at Shelterwood. I could choose to believe I have no business working with teens because I prefer the little munchkins. I could believe that I will never make friends here and I will be lonely. I could continue to do this and I could make a version of lemonade out of it and be functional. But in reality? My lemonade is going to SUCK. No one wants sour lemonade!

Or? I could trust God. I could remember that His plan is better than mine, and He can do more than I can ever ask or imagine. I can choose to remember that two of my old coworkers from the BLOCK have contacted me this week telling me that my kids (those 'teens' that I tell myself I have no business working with) miss me and want me to call the BLOCK so I can say Hi. But did you catch that? I have to CHOOSE. God will not make me be positive. He will not make me be happy. He will not make me do anything because He loves me.

So my random thought of the day for you? What will you choose? Will you choose to eat the lemons and suffer the consequences? Or will you choose to take the lemons and make lemonade? I know I have made my choice.

Admist the chaos, admist the tears, yelling, drama, periods, temper tantrums, and pain, there is also Hope. I am choosing to no longer focus on what makes my job and my life hard, but the beauty that comes out of it. I am choosing to not get mad at my residents for their actions, but instead pray for them. Pray for their hearts. Pray for their pain. And to give myself some grace admist this HUGE transition. Realizing it's okay to cry. It's okay to get overwhelmed. It's okay to not know, and it is okay to need help. 

God has seriously blessed me so much, I just cannot contain it. And simply because He chooses to love me even when I feel unloveable, in every moment I will PTL. 

(As I wrote this blog post, I had this song stuck in my head from my Conco Choir days. It is beautiful, take time to listen, and forget not all his benefits!) 

Shelterwood: A New Version of "Normal"

So I've officially been at the 'wood for a little over 36 hours now, and I am finally beginning to settle in. I officially unpacked the last box and hung up the last picture on my wall last night, and it is SUCH a relief to know where all my stuff is, and not feel like I am having to search for something every time I need it.

I've wanted to post an update, but in some ways I don't know what to say. The past three days have been such a whirlwind of 'new' that I can't really find words to summarize it all. There has been a ton of good, some bad, and some just simply frustrating most of which comes from the fact that I am new.

I've met a ton of awesome people, both staff and kids. I've already seen firsthand the challenges and the incredible benefits of a residential setting. I know I am going to love it here, I just gotta finish settling in ;)

I miss the familiarity of home, but at the same time I love this new adventure. I love seeing my schooling come to life, and interacting with these kids on a daily basis. I love that Jesus is the center of what we are doing and I can freely talk about my faith at work.

Over the past few days I have kept saying I just want my 'normal' life. I miss 'normal' things. But in reality? Shelterwood is my new version of normal. One of the leaders of my training made an interesting comment saying that what is seen as "normal" behavior for teens to us, is not normal to the kids in the program so we need to constantly reinforce what normal is.

Overall, this has already been a great life experience so far, and I can't wait to see how God changes my life over the course of this year! If you'd like to hear more specifics about how I am doing, feel free to message or call me! I'd love to share with you!! :)