Here we are. My 6 months came and went yesterday and I honestly was a bit shocked when I realized it was my 6 months. I was like HOLY COW. I am halfway done with my year here. Where did the time go?! I still feel brand new, what is this madness?! This past month has most definitely been the hardest for me. I've cried more and been more frustrated than ever before here at the 'wood. I have questioned God many many times, wondering what on earth I am doing here and if I should just give up and go home. It's gotten harder as I've gotten to know the girls, the attacks from them are more personal, and yet at the same time their apologizes are more sincere. Its been beautiful to see their hearts change slowly but surely and heart breaking to see some of them simply not be ready to make the change. I wish I had a simple summary to explain what God has been teaching me this month. I think the biggest thing I have started learning this month is this- God is constant when nothing in my world is constant. God is the same through the trial and the change, and His definition of me and what he thinks of me is not changing day to day based on my performance. I've realized how much I assume that people define me and see value in me only based on what I do for them, and how I feel that I build my relationships around what I can do for people and what they can do for me and honestly that is a sad life. I've struggled with letting my co-workers know the real me, and my struggles simply because life here is hard, and I already have so much on my plate that sometimes I just don't want to take the time to get to know people. I've worked my butt off trying to prove my worth to them, and it's cost me greatly. Because in reality? They know my worth without me proving it to them. I've just got to teach my brain that and let myself begin to accept that even if I never did another nice thing for anyone ever again there would still be people who love me, which my brain really cant understand. I've tried to be the hero over and over again, and I finally have reached my limit. I started getting sick this week and I reached the point today where I said to my co-workers "I can't take on 500 things today and help everyone. I physically can't. I need reminders to let other people step in and do things." And yet throughout it all, God hasn't changed. He simply whispers in my ear day after day "I'm still here. I still love you and I am still for you." My relationship with God has become SO much more real. Sometimes I sit and ponder why I am here at Shelterwood when I'd rather be at home with my niece and nephew with a real job and an apartment, working at a job where I don't get called awful, horrendous names simply because I told someone to come inside. And yet then I remember-God is real to me now. I get it. My faith is no longer a checklist, but a lifestyle. I recognize my need for God and I want Him. And thats all that really matters in the long run. Have I built the lifelong friendships here with people that I dreamed of when I decided to come here? At this point probably not. Do I have amazing relationships with my littles like I dreamed of? Not exactly. But is that all okay? Yes. It is. Because while this experience hasn't been anything like I dreamed it would be, it's changed my life. Although I cannot say I've reached the point where I'd say I wouldnt change any of it, I know its all been for my good. And even though the hardest parts, God is teaching me that He is my constant. Not what others think of me. And for the first time in my life, I am actually starting to believe it. Praise Him!
So here we are. Another 6 months ahead. At least thats the plan. God may make me leave early or stay longer, but I am leaving that part up to Him. Please continue praying for myself and my girls, and the staff that God would meet us each where we are at. Pray for wisdom for staff, encouragement and strength for the girls, and perseverance and clarity for myself.
