Month 9 Update- My Hope is in Him Alone

I realize this post is a few days past the 16th, but I figure better late than never. I've had a LOT going on the past few weeks, so remembering to do small things has been quite a challenge. How have I been this month? I feel like the picture is a good representation- I feel like I am going through fire. 

It's starting to become really real to me that I am never going back to Shelterwood. I've watched on Facebook this month as girls who are very near and dear to my heart have been graduating and it is seriously killing me that I am not there. I miss them everyday. People ask me all the time if I am glad to be home. Yes, I am glad that I am home so that I can make my health a priority. But other than that? No, I am not so thrilled about it. Yes, there are perks to being home, a lot of them at that. 

I got to see my friend Jessica for the first time since August this weekend. It was the first time I had seen someone from Shelterwood since I left. We had a really good time together, and I realized how much I truly miss the work I was doing and the girls, and my co-workers. After I dropped her off at the airport I cried. A lot. I listened to the song by MercyMe "Homesick". I'm homesick for the good times I had at Shelterwood. I'm homesick for all the good memories I made before things changed at the end of the summer. I am homesick for fun times with my girls and crazy laughs and deep talks with my co-workers. 

I think of the Israelite slaves who were homesick for Egypt because it was comforting and familiar regardless of the fact that they were slaves, and I feel like a slave longing for Egypt. They didn't want to go back to slavery- but they did want to go back to an "easy" life where they didn't have to figure anything out. They simply did as they were told. I don't miss working 80 hours a week. I don't miss horribly intense panic attacks. I don't miss having limited free time and never getting to see or talk to my family or friends. But there are a LOT of good things that I do miss, and things that I miss that were not good for me. I miss being able to put my girls first and myself second and ignore what was going on in my heart even though that was NOT healthy at all. I miss being SO busy that I never had time to take care of myself. Again NOT healthy at all. But in a lot of ways it was easier than the season I am in right now because it was predictable and familiar.  I know that God brought me home for many reasons. He is working in my heart in ways I could have never comprehended. I thought of this part of the song "Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know but, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more homesick than now." I don't understand what God is doing right now. I don't understand why he lead me to Missouri only to bring me home after what felt like wayyy too soon. I don't understand why He allowed the circumstances to come together so that I had to leave Shelterwood in a traumatic way and not say goodbye to many people that I love dearly. But I feel like if I even if I did completely understand why He brought me home, the pain would be the same. I would still miss my girls, and the pain of him chiseling away my impurities would still be excruciatingly painful. 

I wish I could say I wasn't still bitter. I wish I could say I wasn't angry anymore that I am home, but in reality? I am. My heart is frail, and hurting. My emotions have been all over the place this month, and it has frustrated me in so many ways but as I sit here typing this I know God is healing me, and in order to heal it has to hurt for a bit. I know from past the pain will slowly get easier with time, one minute at a time. I am starting two new jobs next month, Christmas is coming, and I know God is working. I thought of another song while I was writing this that I first heard at a church called Redeemer in Kansas City. Take time to listen to it, you won't regret it. 

I love the part "When my pressings faint Lord, I know you hear, though I can barely speak

And I beg of you please draw me near, for I am much too weak. For God alone my soul wait in silence. For my hope is from him in God alone." I can barely speak right now- my energy and time is limited and my heart hurts more often than it doesn't. But I know God is working. And I am choosing to keep my trust and hope in Him because I know He will not fail me now. So here we go. Another month down, another one to go. The main thing I have learned this month? That I am really proud of myself for leaving Shelterwood even though I didn't want to. I am really proud of myself for trusting God to carry me through even though the waters have been rough and deep. I am really proud of myself for pushing on, when a lot of times my circumstances tell me not to. I have no interest in quitting. I will keep pushing on because God is not through with me yet, and my hope is in Him alone.