I think I've reached the point today where I can classify myself as a runner. Granted, I'm still only running about 2 miles at a time, and my time is pretttyyy slow, but in reality I am getting it done, and that's the important piece. I am currently doing a training program called C25K, which is run/walk intervals. Today, I had my first run where I had to run for 5 minutes straight, and mentally I started flipping out. I thought "I CANNOT do this. No way. I'm not in good enough shape for this, my asthma will act up too much, my muscles will hurt too bad.." excuse after excuse kept trying to drag me down. I thought back to when I was in middle school gym class. I was overweight, out of shape, and surrounded by a lot of friends and classmates who did not fit that same physical state. The first day of gym we had a warm up run of 5 minutes, without stopping. I promptly told my gym teacher I could not and would not be doing that, and he proceeded to make me try and do it anyway. In reality? I couldn't. And the way he would often call me out in front of the other students made my self esteem worse, not better. But in reality, by the end of gym class at the end of the year I could do it. Basic success story. The only reason why I pushed myself to do it? I was terrified of failing the class, and terrified of my gym teacher. This had nothing to do with health, it was all about fear. And running that5 minutes again today triggered that intense fear in a way I never thought was even possible.
Flash forward 2 years, I (*crazily) decided to play soccer even though I was still overweight and terribly out of shape. "It will be fun!" all my very fit friends told me. The first day? I literally about died. I had never worked out that hard in my entire life, ever. And then at the end of practice? We had to run a mile. WHAT?! That was usually all I did TO work out, not to END my workout! I cried the entire time. Balled my eyes out in reality. The entire time I kept telling myself "You can't do this, you're not in good enough shape for this! Why would you think you could be 'normal' for once?!" I screamed at all my friends after practice, told them I was done, and I wasn't cut out for this. I sat in the hallway balling my eyes out waiting for my mom to pick me up, when who walks up? My soccer coach Ivan.
I will never, ever, ever, forget what happened next.... Ivan sat down next to me and he said to me "You can't quit on me Marissa. You came to my practice, you've gotta give me 2 weeks. And I promise it will be easier. If not, you can walk out the door and we'll never talk about it again. But I don't want to see you quit on yourself simply because today was hard." I was in shock. So I kept going, and he was right. It did get easier, slowly, but it did. Not only did Ivan teach me not to give up on myself, he taught our team not to give up on each other. My best friend's younger sister also played on our soccer team. She is an AMAZING player. She could finish a mile run in 7 min flat. I'm sure this isn't a newsflash, but even after a few years of playing I couldn't do that. Mile runs after practice continued to torment me, and I cried everytime. But, when Becca started playing she did something that has stood out to me years later.... She would come run next to me and finish my mile with me after she had finished her own. She kept encouraging me, and giving me points to look forward to "only 2 min left, only one more turn, etc." That meant the world to me. I had other teammates who would hold me accountable and make sure I did my runs outside of practice, and would help me with drills even off the field. My coach would always, always, always encourage me. Even when I was being a complete butthead. I think I cried more through practice than probably anyone he has ever coached haha ;) As soon as I would start mentally quitting on the field, I'd hear Ivan yell "Marissa you better not be quitting on me. Keep going!"
As I struggled hardcore through my run today, three images came to mind. First prior to starting the run, the image of middle school gym class and my gym teacher came up. But then, the other images came up- Becca running with me, and I heard Ivan's voice saying "You better not quit on me!" And suddenly I knew I HAD to at least try. Each time I wanted to quit, I pictured both of them, and started up another sprint. In reality, I am still out of shape, I'm still overweight. But I am in better shape, and getting healthier every single day.
I write this for two reasons... The first being this: Who you surround yourself with will have a HUGE impact on yourself as a person. I am the person who I am today because of many, many, many conscious choices to determine who I spend the majority of my time with. When I was treated with basically ridicule in middle school, did I improve my run time? Yes. I did. But it also made me absolutely ashamed of myself as a person. But when I surrounded myself with positive people, who loved me regardless and challenged me because they knew it was good for me, but still helped me when it felt overwhelming? That's when the REAL difference took place. I went from a girl who couldn't kick a ball straight or run a mile to a girl who LOVES playing soccer, loves working out, and loves challenging myself physically. But through that, I also learned to love myself regardless of whether or not I was a 'star' player. I learned that I had other amazing qualities that were just as beneficial. My coach used to tell me that he loved having me off the field because I was SO observant- I could see where people needed to be, what they needed to be doing, and who needed to go in/out when he'd miss a lot of that cuz he was focusing on other stuff.
The second reason I write this? To challenge your focus. We've all had hard, awful stuff happen to us. But when you let that define you, it wrecks you. I could have chosen to focus on the memory of my gym teacher today, let myself get defeated, and not ran. But I didn't. I chose to think of soccer, and challenge myself instead. If you spend your time allowing yourself to get SO wrapped up in the hard parts of your past, you're never going to be able to see the great, wonderful, things that COULD happen in the future.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not advocating for shoving emotion, and trying to make yourself forget painful things though eating, self harm, tv, movies, drugs, alcohol, whatever your 'good' thing may be. Good lord, I want to be a therapist, so thats the LAST thing I want you to take away from this. This could mean you need to deal with stuff. I have been SO afraid of facing my past for so long, that it has held me back in every single area of my life. And yet, facing my past is what has brought me freedom. It's acknowledging the things that have happened to you, and realizing that they really, really hurt, but realising that they don't have to control and define you any longer.
So here's my random thought of the day for you.... What memories are you allowing to lock you up and hold you captive? How can you begin to let these go? I'd love to talk with you about it if you need someone to help you process it. God is bigger than your past, and He can and will give you freedom if you commit to doing the hard work. He will give you the people in your life you need to guide you, teach you, and mold you to who he has designed you to be. And let me tell you, being able to look back at my middle school self, and see where I am now? I am shocked, thrilled, blessed, and really happy. It was hard, but it was so worth it. Because now I can say with confidence "Yeah! I love to run!" and not think of the sad, hurting, middle school me with disgust. But of the high school me who decided to take a leap of faith, and actually make her life better.
So here I am, thrilled to say "Yes. I run. I run slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter, but I run!"
