2016: A Year of Self Discovery

I sit here in my living room once again on another New Year's Eve, and part of me cannot believe that yet another year has come to a close. I think back to where I was at at this time in 2015, and it honestly just breaks my heart. I was SO worn out, defeated, and broken. I still cannot remember 90% of October-December of 2015. I was so desperate for this year to be ANYTHING but 2015, that I couldn't even dream, ask or imagine any goals of what that could even look like. And now I sit here, and I see how God pulled me out of that dark pit, and has brought me into more than I could have ever asked or imagined.

This year I worked at a nannying job that I LOVED. I got to go back to Shelterwood and restore relationships and bring closure to a season that brought immense joy and immense pain. I got to go spend a week in Denver, Colorado with my best friend. I got to go to Chicago with my best friends for the first time. I moved to Ohio and got my first car and first apartment and started working at a job that I LOVE.

This year was also filled with pain.... I lost my uncle to a drug overdose. I've watched as many of my friendships have fallen apart due to life changes, and people changing. I've cried as I've worked through things in counseling. I've cried as I've realized that I am a person who deserves love, and deserves to be treated appropriately, and have lost relationships because of that. I've been angry at God as I simply haven't understood what He was doing and how He was working. It's been quite the year honestly, it's been quite the year.

And yet I sit here, and I read my blog post from last year and I realized that for the first time in my life I fulfilled my resolution for this year: I simply wanted to live a life that gave me the freedom to be me in whatever context that ended up being, and I feel like I achieved that in so many more ways than I could have ever imagined.

And now I look to 2017. There is a large part of me that wants to set a bunch of unfufillable goals, but there is a larger part of me that wants 2017 to look a lot like 2016 did, simply learning to be me, and who God created me to be, not who the world tells me to be. I could choose to sit here and be afraid of what this year could bring, I know I was afraid last year, I wont deny that in the slightest. But, in true Hunger Games fashion, here is my resolution for 2017:

That's my only goal of 2017- I want to live a life of Hope instead of fear. I want the Hope and peace of Christ to be so evident in my life, that the fear of Satan has no place, and no control. I want to continue running headfirst into the life God has called me to live. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What can be your goal this year to be more of who God created you to be? It may be getting healthy, or it may be taking time to pray each day. It may mean starting counseling, or getting back into going to church. But here this- Even if you fail miserably and don't accomplish ANYTHING over the next year please don't forget that your purpose doesn't come from a stupid new years resolution. It comes from Christ, and no matter what is thrown at you this year, as long as He is in the drivers seat you can throw fear out the window because God's got it! And, I can guarantee that when you sit down next year you will be blown away by all you've accomplished even if it feels like the past year was a failure. 

So to friends, family, acquaintances, or family members in Christ- Happy New Year. Thank you for walking through this journey of life with me, and I hope God fills your next year with blessings beyond what you can comprehend!  

It's Not Over.

I am sitting in our kitchen sipping tea and chatting with my co-worker Rachel in British accents as I try to refill my tank after a week that I'd rather forget as it was draining physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

After an incredibly filling weekend, I came back to work and got SLAMMED. Literally and metaphorically. On Monday, I came back and discovered that my heat wasn't working properly in my apartment. Tuesday, I backed into a co-workers car and caused some damage to my vehicle and hers. After I got my insurance stuff figured out on Wednesday morning I sat down and through tears said "I am basically homeless since my apartment is too cold to stay there, and now I am stranded without a car! Are you kidding me?! I thought life was going to get easier when I accepted this job and moved! Not ridiculously harder!" I seriously began questioning all that God has been doing, and what he has called me to do. As I talked to my counselor in tears Tuesday and Wednesday, she gently reminded me that the world was not coming to an end. Yes, these things are hard. Very hard when it's the first time you are experiencing them as a young adult for the first time out on your own. But she reminded me that I would survive this, and that it was okay to cry and be stressed out and angry that all of this happened.

As many of you know, I also have been struggling hardcore with the fact that we haven't had girls in our house in a really long time. Patience is not exactly my strongest quality, actually it's probably the thing I struggle with the most. I finally got to a point a few nights ago where I just laid my heart out to God and said "My way isn't working. I know you've called me here for a purpose. Please reveal to my heart what that purpose is, please. Even if only a part of it." And I left it at that.

On Wednesday we got a bunch of referral calls, one after another and it looks like we will in fact have girls sometime in the near future. My heart finally feels like it can calm down for the first time since the end of September, and that my friends is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So now as I sit here under the lights of our Christmas tree, (Yes, I moved. This blog post took me a while to write lol) I am remembering this key phrase: It's not over until God says it's over. My co-worker Rachel and I talked for a while this morning and she introduced me to this song by Kirk Franklin:

And as I sat and listened to the words this morning, God refreshed my perspective and reminded me that no matter what kind of giant is before me, it's not over until He says it's over. I sit here and I think "Is my life easy right now?" No, it's not. My apartment may be having heating problems, but I have a nice warm house with lovely co-workers to stay at. My car may be in the shop, but I have family and friends who are willing to pick me up and drive me places. I may have to pay a car repair bill for the next few months, but at least I have a job to pay for it.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What things have you decided are over and done with that God may be trying to tell you that He isn't finished with yet? Can I challenge you today? Take time and talk with Him about all of that. I guarantee you that there is a reason for the season you are in. It may not be a fun reason, but there is a reason. I sit here under the light of the tree and I am thankful for this season of no girls. It has made me learn how to set boundaries with people at this new job. It has given me a chance to get to know my co-workers. It has helped me learn some new things that trigger my anxiety, and given me a chance to get real with God. All of which are things that would have been very difficult to think through and handle on top of working with the girls.

So while this season has been really hard, I am thankful and I know that I have grown a whole heck of a lot because of it. And I hope that no matter what you are facing today, you remember this one thing- It's not over until He says it's over.