Daring to Hope Again

As some of you know, I was offered the opportunity to be on the launch team for Katie Majors (Kisses from Katie) newest book Daring to Hope. In the beginning, I had no strong desire to read this book, I honestly just love getting to be on a launch team for the free copy of a book and the community that builds within the team during the launch season. But as usual, God had another plan. 

I received my copy of the book about a week before my world completely fell apart. Only God knew that I would need this book in order to get through this season fully, completely 100% relying and trusting on Him and Him alone. 

A little background for those who do not know me quite as well, or not at all: I moved to Ohio about a year ago, and started working with a ministry called The Daughter Project, which is a recovery home for teen girls rescued from the sex trafficking industry. This year has been the most challenging year of my life. I have successfully managed living in an apartment alone, and holding down a full time job during that year. Also during that year? 3 major car repairs, no heat in my apartment for most of the winter, I lost most of my close friendships, family members died, money was tight, and SO many other intense struggles. I got to the end of year one and couldn't help but be questioning "God, why on earth did you bring me to Ohio?!" Little did I know He would use this book, and a huge crisis to give me the answer why. 

About 3 weeks ago, my coworkers and I were told that due to intense financial struggles, our house would be shutting down, and our girls would be moving to support homes. It honestly felt like the wind was completely knocked out of my soul. I was SO angry. I was angry at God, and angry that we had found ourselves in this situation. I spent the next few days crying, praying, and begging God to give me some clarity in this season. I kept asking God why He sent me to Ohio, when we obviously "failed" at ministry because we had to shut down. I kept asking "Why God?! Why do you keep asking me to walk through these hard paths over and over again?! Why do you keep asking me to love these people who keep walking out of my life?! WHY?!" And of course God with His perfect timing had me read this part of Daring to Hope during this intense part of the journey. Backstory: a woman who Katie has been caring for for months has just died, and Katie is walking through the grief of losing her. 

"The temptation was ever present to think that we didn't do it, that death meant we had failed. But my loving Father whispered a different story. "We did it," He would say in that soft Father way as if it was our secret. As if He could see all the parts of my heart that the world couldn't, all the questions, all the reservations. He heard all my unspoken questions about how things might have unfolded if we had done something different, met her sooner, seen a different doctor, anything. And He assured me that things were always as He intended. "We did it." She is home. She is whole. And we had walked her there, straight into His arms. We had not let go of her hand, and He had not let go of ours. 

I asked Him "why" again and again. What could all this suffering possibly accomplish? Why would He allow our family to walk through death like this repeatedly? Why would He allow us to love people so deeply? A dear friend suggested, "Maybe because He knew you would." 

Could that be God's answer to us as we walk the hard road? "I knew you would do it. I knew you would love them. 

And suddenly the hard road becomes not a burden, but a place of great honor, a place of partnership, and intimacy with Him. We didn't have to love Betty, we got to love Betty. We were allowed by our gracious and merciful Father to love these people, to give ourselves to something so grand as ushering His beautiful children back into His arms at Heaven's Gate." 

I don't know if these few paragraphs take your breath away like they did mine, but I had to reread it a few times to really let it sink in. Each time I read it, my heart feels more and more full. I didn't have to come to Ohio to work at TDP. I didn't have to love a friend who walked out of my life this past year. I didn't have to work through the pain of my past and allow God to use it for good. But I got to. I got to come to Ohio and work for a year with some of the most incredible girls and co-workers you could ever ask for. I got the privilege to spend almost 5 years loving my friend well. I got the privilege to work through my past and have God use it for good. God had me walk my path, pain and all, because He knew I would do it well. 

How incredible is that? Who would have thought that one simple phrase would change my entire way of thinking and living? Literally in a few weeks I have gone from hating every awful thing I've gone through, to seeing it as a blessing. Now that does NOT mean that all the things that I've gone through are suddenly good, but that I can see them through another lense, and how God has actually used them to shape me, mold me, and grow me. The past still definitely hurts 100%, but this idea has given me new found freedom to let it go, to let myself heal and face hard things, and to believe that God still is working for my good. 

And so soon after this initial revelation came the layoff- the goodbyes, the pain, tears and anger that this is the season we are in. And yet, I have been 100% at peace. I've been joking that I've been a bit too peaceful, honestly haha. But I know that God brought me to Ohio because He knew I would. He knew I would come here and love people well. He knew that I would face parts of my pain I wouldn't otherwise have found courage to face if I hadn't come. He knew I would let go of a not so healthy, but very deep and meaningful friendship if I came here, and I wouldn't have had the reasons, strength, courage, or wisdom to do so without coming here. And so I am at peace. Do I know where my rent money for November is coming from? No I honestly don't. Do I know how I am going to buy groceries next month? No I don't. But I do know this- God is faithful, and He brought me here for a reason. He brought me here for such a time as this, and I know full well that He isn't finished with me yet. I've talked with my counselor many many times about how I want to become a therapist. And as we have navigated this journey together, it is becoming more and more clear that God is having me walk through these challenges to better serve my future clients. And that in itself makes it all worth it. 

This was another few paragraphs that I loved closer to the end of the book:

"Sometimes, the things we would never pick for our lives give us an opportunity to receive God's provision, to see Him working in ways we otherwise might not experience. Sometimes we are allowed to climb the mountain so we can behold the ram in the thicket, so that we can know God all the more. It's amazing really, that we can get exactly what we need by walking through what we never wanted. In the dry places, when our lives are not going at all as we intended, He can draw us to Himself the way He always intended. " A few paragraphs later she adds: 

"But now I know: the things I never wanted were the things I needed most. The things that I thought would break me were the things that drove me straight to Him. My anguish and sorrow sen me to the Healer who would mend all those broken places and put me back together more beautifully than I had imagined. All those cracks and holes and ruptures, they would be the places in my life where His glory would shine through. Beauty, though not as I had expected it, would be found amid the ashes, These would be the places that taught me His heart as He lovingly and tenderly bound them up, and they would make me brave ready for the next thing. Ready for anything."

This is why I can Dare to Hope even when my physical world is shaking, and my foundation and security fallen. This is why I can continue to dare to dream, and that I can trust and know full well that God is in fact working in my pain. I have questioned for years why God has allowed us to walk through pain, and for me Katie's book gave me answers and peace that I have been longing for in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. I will finish with one last quote: 

"Maybe the hardest things make us the best kind of brave and the best kind of ready for all that God has next. They teach us to lean into Him time and time again because we see that it is true: when we are weak, He is strong. "

This is my prayer for myself tonight, and for anyone out there reading this. I am praying that through this season of unknown and unemployment God will continue making me the best kind of brave, and ready for all that He has next for me. I cannot, cannot encourage you enough to buy and read this book as quickly as you can. I promise you that God will use it to bring you closer to His heart in ways you could not even ask or imagine. Daring to Hope comes out October 3rd, and you can preorder it at the link below! 

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Hope-Finding-Goodness-Beautiful/dp/0525499857

Finding True Rest in the Father at 5 AM

There is part of me that is sitting here thinking "Can it really have been two months since my last blog post?! Has my life really been that crazy?!" The simple answer? Yes.

My life has been the definition of insanity since about June. I think I have cried, yelled, cussed, prayed, and collapsed in exhaustion more in the past 3 months than I honestly have in years. I have questioned every single thing that God was doing in my life and said my famous phrase of "What are we doing?!" more often than I can even begin to count. I've sat in my supervisor's office crying trying to figure out what the heck God has me doing here in Ohio, and begged him to send me back to Michigan more often than I'd like to admit.

And yet here I sit. I am still here. It was a heck of a summer, but I am still here. It's almost 4:30 am as I am typing this, and I am sure it will be much later by the time I finish typing all of this. I've been begging God for some time of complete silence and stillness for a while now. I've known that I needed a long stretch of uninterrupted, introverted, God time. And today/tonight I finally got that. How? Through nightwatch.

I used to have a love/hate relationship with nightwatch while I worked at Shelterwood. Honestly? After working an 8 hr shift the LAST thing I wanted to do every week was then stay up all night. But what came out of nightwatches? Deeper relationships with my co-workers- especially my roommate Elise, and my good friend Jessica. Nightwatch brought a time of stillness, where my normally beyond crazy world at the Wood became still, and I suddenly had time and space to simply sit and listen to what God wanted to talk to me about. And as much as I hated it (especially the night watch hangover the next day!) that has been one part of working at the Wood that I have missed the most. So when the opportunity came up to take over one of our nightwatches at TDP while a co-worker was on vacation, I jumped on it.

If I am being honest, part of me was scared of what God was going to reveal to me as I sat here and listened. I was scared to see the state that my heart is in, as it's been through the ringer more often than not over the past year. I was scared to have to stay up all night, when I haven't felt like I have gotten enough sleep ever this past year. And then, God brought to my mind the verse above. My sould finds rest in God alone..... It may be almost 4:30 am, and I have in fact been up for about 20 hours at this point. But my soul feels more rested right now than it has all year, but especially in the past few months. Tonight reminded me that I literally can only find rest for my soul in God alone. No human being, no book, music, movie, coffee, or even ice cream will give me the rest that God alone can give me. But the thought that is haunting my heart tonight? If I recognize this as truth, why has it taken me so long to set aside this time with my Papa when my heart knows that this is what it has been needing and longing for?

I remember a few months ago my pastor prayed with me at church and told me that God was preparing me for a very difficult season ahead. He told me it would be like many seasons I'd faced before, but this time it would be easier because I have begun to trust God as my Father, and I would let Him control. But, it was still going to be trying and I needed to be prepared. I thought about this afterwards, and thought "I've been through a lot already. What could I possibly have to walk through that would be harder than any of that?"

And yet here I am. Still in the storm, but feeling as if I am in the eye of the hurricane. Secure, safe, house beginning to flood, but knowing that the storm is coming to a close soon. I've had to walk through things I thought I was wayyyyyy done with. I've had to revisit pain from the past, and learn to forgive people yet again. I've watched people walk out of my life recently who promised me they never would, and had to learn to live without them. I've felt more alone in the past year than I have ever in my entire life. And yet in all this pain, I've been seeing God breathing life into places that no life could be found. I've been building new relationships in places that I thought I'd never be ready to let another human into. Slowly but surely, I am healing. And it looks like nothing I could have ever expected or imagined.

I don't know what this next season is going to look like. I am very sure that God is calling me to stay in Ohio, but also calling me to become more invested in my home church in Michigan. How is that going to work? I have literally no idea. I know He is calling me to a deeper relationship with Him, and calling me to find community to share life with. He is calling me to set boundaries with some people, and calling me to let others in more than I have in the past. Most of all He is calling me to freedom. He is calling me to grace. He is calling me to find healing. He is calling me to be exactly who He created me to be, and I feel closer to being that person than I have ever been in the past.

I am slowly discovering that by finding my spiritual rest in Him, and not just in my physical rest in bed, I am refreshed. I am renewed. I am inspired, and I am seeing His work more clearly and more evidently. My prayer every day has been that my ears will be open to hear his voice, and that my eyes will see his fingerprints covering the work He is doing everywhere I go. I want to love like he loves. I no longer pray that God would remove people from my life that I disagree with, but that He would help me love them as HE loves them, and that I would be able to show them His grace and compassion in all that I say and do.

Part of me wants to apologize for this post being so long. I honestly don't even know if anyone will take the time to read this far down. And yet I hope and pray someone does because I want to encourage you with this: Don't give up. Don't give up on your relationship with God. Don't give up on church, praying, the human race as a whole, or yourself. Ask God today to show you his fingerprints. Ask Him to show up in your day, to show you his blessings wherever you go. He hasn't abandoned you yet, and he honestly never will. He so so desperately wants you to find your rest in Him. He wants you to figure out what makes your heart soar, and what makes you so angry at the injustice that it makes you scream. He wants you to live. And the only way you can truly live is in Him.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What does your nightwatch look like? What does your soul need to reconnect with God on a level that you barely understand? Can I challenge you to do that today? Or at least start praying that God would give you the opportunity to have that time with Him? Ask him to start preparing your heart. Dive into the life he has given you. You won't regret it.