There is part of me that is sitting here thinking "Can it really have been two months since my last blog post?! Has my life really been that crazy?!" The simple answer? Yes.
My life has been the definition of insanity since about June. I think I have cried, yelled, cussed, prayed, and collapsed in exhaustion more in the past 3 months than I honestly have in years. I have questioned every single thing that God was doing in my life and said my famous phrase of "What are we doing?!" more often than I can even begin to count. I've sat in my supervisor's office crying trying to figure out what the heck God has me doing here in Ohio, and begged him to send me back to Michigan more often than I'd like to admit.
And yet here I sit. I am still here. It was a heck of a summer, but I am still here. It's almost 4:30 am as I am typing this, and I am sure it will be much later by the time I finish typing all of this. I've been begging God for some time of complete silence and stillness for a while now. I've known that I needed a long stretch of uninterrupted, introverted, God time. And today/tonight I finally got that. How? Through nightwatch.
I used to have a love/hate relationship with nightwatch while I worked at Shelterwood. Honestly? After working an 8 hr shift the LAST thing I wanted to do every week was then stay up all night. But what came out of nightwatches? Deeper relationships with my co-workers- especially my roommate Elise, and my good friend Jessica. Nightwatch brought a time of stillness, where my normally beyond crazy world at the Wood became still, and I suddenly had time and space to simply sit and listen to what God wanted to talk to me about. And as much as I hated it (especially the night watch hangover the next day!) that has been one part of working at the Wood that I have missed the most. So when the opportunity came up to take over one of our nightwatches at TDP while a co-worker was on vacation, I jumped on it.
If I am being honest, part of me was scared of what God was going to reveal to me as I sat here and listened. I was scared to see the state that my heart is in, as it's been through the ringer more often than not over the past year. I was scared to have to stay up all night, when I haven't felt like I have gotten enough sleep ever this past year. And then, God brought to my mind the verse above. My sould finds rest in God alone..... It may be almost 4:30 am, and I have in fact been up for about 20 hours at this point. But my soul feels more rested right now than it has all year, but especially in the past few months. Tonight reminded me that I literally can only find rest for my soul in God alone. No human being, no book, music, movie, coffee, or even ice cream will give me the rest that God alone can give me. But the thought that is haunting my heart tonight? If I recognize this as truth, why has it taken me so long to set aside this time with my Papa when my heart knows that this is what it has been needing and longing for?
I remember a few months ago my pastor prayed with me at church and told me that God was preparing me for a very difficult season ahead. He told me it would be like many seasons I'd faced before, but this time it would be easier because I have begun to trust God as my Father, and I would let Him control. But, it was still going to be trying and I needed to be prepared. I thought about this afterwards, and thought "I've been through a lot already. What could I possibly have to walk through that would be harder than any of that?"
And yet here I am. Still in the storm, but feeling as if I am in the eye of the hurricane. Secure, safe, house beginning to flood, but knowing that the storm is coming to a close soon. I've had to walk through things I thought I was wayyyyyy done with. I've had to revisit pain from the past, and learn to forgive people yet again. I've watched people walk out of my life recently who promised me they never would, and had to learn to live without them. I've felt more alone in the past year than I have ever in my entire life. And yet in all this pain, I've been seeing God breathing life into places that no life could be found. I've been building new relationships in places that I thought I'd never be ready to let another human into. Slowly but surely, I am healing. And it looks like nothing I could have ever expected or imagined.
I don't know what this next season is going to look like. I am very sure that God is calling me to stay in Ohio, but also calling me to become more invested in my home church in Michigan. How is that going to work? I have literally no idea. I know He is calling me to a deeper relationship with Him, and calling me to find community to share life with. He is calling me to set boundaries with some people, and calling me to let others in more than I have in the past. Most of all He is calling me to freedom. He is calling me to grace. He is calling me to find healing. He is calling me to be exactly who He created me to be, and I feel closer to being that person than I have ever been in the past.
I am slowly discovering that by finding my spiritual rest in Him, and not just in my physical rest in bed, I am refreshed. I am renewed. I am inspired, and I am seeing His work more clearly and more evidently. My prayer every day has been that my ears will be open to hear his voice, and that my eyes will see his fingerprints covering the work He is doing everywhere I go. I want to love like he loves. I no longer pray that God would remove people from my life that I disagree with, but that He would help me love them as HE loves them, and that I would be able to show them His grace and compassion in all that I say and do.
Part of me wants to apologize for this post being so long. I honestly don't even know if anyone will take the time to read this far down. And yet I hope and pray someone does because I want to encourage you with this: Don't give up. Don't give up on your relationship with God. Don't give up on church, praying, the human race as a whole, or yourself. Ask God today to show you his fingerprints. Ask Him to show up in your day, to show you his blessings wherever you go. He hasn't abandoned you yet, and he honestly never will. He so so desperately wants you to find your rest in Him. He wants you to figure out what makes your heart soar, and what makes you so angry at the injustice that it makes you scream. He wants you to live. And the only way you can truly live is in Him.
So here is my random thought of the day for you: What does your nightwatch look like? What does your soul need to reconnect with God on a level that you barely understand? Can I challenge you to do that today? Or at least start praying that God would give you the opportunity to have that time with Him? Ask him to start preparing your heart. Dive into the life he has given you. You won't regret it.
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