Finding Color in a Broken Crayon Filled World

I'm sitting here in my favorite coffee shop, drinking my favorite tea, in a cozy sweatshirt from my high school. I'm watching as the coffee shop is super busy, as it is a Saturday afternoon, people coming in and out, working on homework, or simply staring out the window watching the raindrops fall. It's chaotic, it's loud, and yet it is bringing peace to my soul. For the first time in months, my Saturday feels normal. 

And yet, nothing in my world is "normal" right now. Although I am not sure it will ever be "normal" again as I have realized over the past few years that my normal is constantly changing, and that has become my new normal in a sense. I'm still partially unemployed, totally 100% unsure of what the next year (really even the next few days) have in store for me. And that is terrifying, quite frankly. The feelings of desperation have started closing in, even though in reality I am more stable and secure than I was a few weeks ago. As I sat here, angry about the direction life has seemingly thrown me in, one thought randomly entered my mind: 

"Broken crayons still color."

I used to get so mad when my crayons would break as a kid. I was a very hard colorer, and didn't like crayons because if I pushed too hard to get the color deeper they would break, and then in my mind they were useless. I think I have felt the same way about life recently. I feel like life ( and in reality myself) keeps pushing me harder and harder and demanding more color out of me than I am capable of giving, until I crumble, break, and get thrown aside, and they move on to the next color. Sometimes it feels like that's how my relationships go, how my jobs go, even how my faith goes. And how pointless does that make life feel? If we are only here to get used and then tossed aside, is there a point? Is it worth letting someone squeeze all the color and life out of you just to get tossed aside? But go with me here for a second- What if we were made for more than simply coloring? 

If you do  a quick search on Pinterest, you will soon see that there are MANY uses for crayons, none of which actually have to do with coloring. Candles, Christmas ornaments, pictures, new types of crayons, the list goes on and on. As we enter each season of our life, a new color is added to the grand, overall picture of our lives. And sometimes in that season, the crayon may break. But you know what? That brown crayon is still gonna color if God needs another brown season in my life later on. And if it gets to the point where it won't color? It can be melted. Or crushed. And used again and again and again. There is no season, no brokenness, no pain that is too "broken" for our God to handle and use. 

I sat here at Starbs and continued thinking "I can be mad at God that this season of life, this "crayon color" per say broke and is done. I can choose to be mad and not let God use any more of my colors cuz He broke the blue one, and I don't want Him breaking the rest of my crayons. ( I NEVER let someone use my crayons after breaking one as a kid, which was kind of ironic since I did most of the breaking myself.... ;) )  But in reality? God might need my blue crayon to be broken in order to color the next part of my picture. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you- What are you doing with your broken crayons? Have you thrown them away, left them at the bottom of the crayon box? Pretending they never broke in the first place? Can I challenge you today? Let God make art out of your broken crayons. Let Him show you what kind of masterpiece He can create with the broken crayons in your life. I honestly NEVER would have thought that a lot of my broken pieces would come together in such a unique way- Child Life training, mixed with a deep desire to be a therapist, coming together for me to find my new passion of becoming a therapist specializing in play therapy. God is going to do a LOT through this passion my friends. But, it never could have happened without me going through some hard stuff as a kid and ending up needing consistent counseling and meeting my therapist Gina. It never would have happened without me thinking I was going to do Child Life, do all the studying and working my butt off only to determine thats not the right fit for me. It never would have happened if I wouldn't have allowed my self to stop working at a "real job" and start nannying and realize my passion for working with kids be renewed. It never would have happened without hard conversations, people leaving, things falling apart and life breaking me. One crayon at a time. 

So here I am. A messy pencil box filled with a bunch of broken crayons, and I don't think I could ask for anything more. 

Why?

Why? It truly is the question that is never far away from me these days. I heard this song come on KLOVE the other day, and it was like my world just stopped for a few seconds. I can't help but keep asking why. Why God?! Why?! I just got off the phone with a friend who is caring for one of my girls, and my heart just breaks for her as she is trying to navigate more than any 21 year old should ever have to navigate. She's trying to figure out how to raise a 17 year old, simply because God called her to it.

I've pondered this concept a lot over the past few weeks, the "calling" God has for all of us. I've wondered why God calls some of us to be millionaires, and some of us to literally live in the slums with the lowest of the low. I've wondered why some of us go through a million different hard things, traumatic things. And how some people skate through life barely needing more than a band aide. I keep wanting to get mad at God for calling me to minister to the broken, because honestly? It is hard. There are MANY days I wish I could be a millionaire working in a rich banking office, and still be using my gifts and talents to help others. I want it so badly, and then I realize that is simply not me. And if I was happy doing that, I wouldn't be me anymore.

Breathe, sometimes it feels it's all that I can do. I've muttered this phrase a lot to myself over the past few weeks, crying to myself as I crochet like a grandma on the couch. I repeated it in my head as I cried multiple times talking to my counselor. I've thought over and over again "All I can manage to do is keep breathing. I can't handle anything else right now." And the more I am having to do it, the more I am realizing that might just be okay. I have said this phrase many times, but I have felt more broken in the past few weeks than I think I ever have in my life. The hits just keep coming, and my heart is ready for a break, honestly. I keep thinking "I just want someone to swoop in and save the day!" And then I realize that I am the adult, and I have to figure things out. 

I'm alive, even though a part of me has died. I say this phrase to myself almost every morning, especially on the hard mornings. Because each morning that I am alive means that God isn't through with me yet. It means there are still people who need encouragement, there are still people who need to know His love. There is still work to be done. And even when I cannot find my role in that plan and purpose, I know that God still has me on the road map. He isn't lost, and never has been. I've hit some "road closed" signs, but He isn't finished with me yet. 

I'd be lying if I said I am fine. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that this is where I am supposed to be, and I know that God is working in that. But the waiting is getting long. The bills that I need to pay are staring me in the face. Here is my random thought of the day for you: God is in the Why. He is still here. He has already seen the ending, and He's going to get you through. Can I encourage you today? With everything that has been going on in our country the past few weeks, can you do something for someone else today? I don't care if that is calling someone, texting them, sending a gift card in the mail, paying someone's rent for them, or even as simple as posting a Bible verse on someone's FB wall. Can you remind someone that God's glory is present even in the storm they are facing, and then do something about it?