Grief is Really Just Love

I was emailing my old boss Jane the other day asking for a graduate school reference, and also talking about my old job, and the changes that have taken place over the past few months. I realized I didn't ever turn in my keys, and asked Jane what I should do. She replied telling me that the church who now owns the house changed the locks, so in reality I could do whatever I wanted with them. I can barely find words to describe what happened next..... It's almost as if ice went through my veins, and I felt like I was going to throw up all at the same time. 

This is our home. It's not being used as a safehouse anymore, so I can finally share where I basically lived for the past year and a half. I spent more time crying, laughing, grieving, playing, planning, and just doing life in this place then I think I have anywhere else in my life. I went back to the house in December, and took a few minutes to just sit and cry, and collect some items of mine that were in the house. I always planned on coming back and dropping off my keys later, and giving myself space to really say "goodbye" but could never bring myself to do it. And then I got Jane's email, and my blood went cold when I realized that I would never set foot in Hope's House again. Ever since September, I have been holding out hope that we would get to start over, and that we would get up and running again. But after a FB a month ago from our former director, I realized that those dreams were probably over, but still held on to a glimmer of hope. Then came Jane's email, and it was like the final door slam, with a big ol' padlock and crushed the remainder of hope that I had. It was all over in a matter of seconds. I couldn't breathe, and had to simply go lay down and cry.

I wish there was someway to know beforehand that it was going to be my last time doing something, so I could mentally prepare and grieve. I don't handle change and transition well at all. I've gotten better, but it's still like pulling teeth slowly when I know change is coming. Heck, I even mentally prepare myself for the last bites of my food. Like when I eat Lucky Charms? I make sure marshmallows are my last bite. It's just how I roll. So unexpected "lasts" don't really go over well with me. 

I found this song last week, as I was processing the huge amount of grief I have to work through from the past few years of my life post college, and I feel like it is super fitting for this situation, and many more. It talks about how we go through many "deaths" in our lives, and yet there aren't funerals for these events: end of relationships, moving, losing a job, etc. There is no mainstream grieving process, no one drops off food, or sends cards, or lets you take off work. And yet, the pain is the same. 

I've been thinking a lot about a few relationships that I have lost over the past year. Some have just faded due to time passing and things changing, but one relationship seemingly changed overnight, and its been hard for me to finish letting go. I thought of the last time I saw this friend, and we said goodbye at the airport. I was crying, and as I think back on it it was like my heart knew that was the last time we would hang out as "friends" as our relationship fell apart a few mere months later. I haven't really let myself fully grieve the loss of this relationship- I've been slowly holding out hope that this friendship will repair itself. When in reality? It's over. And I don't think that I really realized that until yesterday. In a sense, just as the locks got changed on the house, the locks got changed on that relationship too. I am not going to get to have the final "moments" of my choice, and control the situation. And in reality, that leaves me with a choice. Do I continue on, holding out hope and pretending nothing has happened? Or, do I choose to let myself let go and grieve?

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Have you taken time to grieve the deaths in your life that didn't have a funeral? Can I encourage you to do just that? Take time, listen to the song above. Let yourself grieve those losses, even though they aren't technically a real death. In some ways, I am not sure our heart knows the difference. It only knows that it is in pain, and desperately wants to let it out. I read a quote earlier today that said this: 

It totally changed my perspective of grief. When I think of all the love I miss pouring out on my girls, on my friends, and other people, it all makes sense. And as I navigate this "grief" or overflowing of love with nowhere to go, it challenges my thought process. It makes me want to find a new place for all that love to go, which gives me the courage to let the tears out, and let it all go. I want to challenge you to think about doing just that. Allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes up, and think about new places where your overflowing love could go. It won't be an easy, but as the song says you will soon see that life can and will be sweet again, and you will find places for all that love to go again. 

Farewell, 25

In just a few hours, I will be 26. It's still kind of hard to believe honestly, a lot of times I still feel like a baby, definitely not an adult. I have to be honest- I am looking forward to my chocolate cake tomorrow about as much as I was in these photos!! I mayyy have even gotten myself a chocolate cupcake to eat at midnight ;) 

Birthday's used to be so exciting as a kid, I would lie awake the night before, my blood pumping with anticipation- taking cupcakes to class, my birthday party with my friends, and for one day being the center of attention, and loving every minute. Because let's be honest, if you know me at all, you know I HATE being the center of attention on ANY other occasion. If I am being honest though? I am STILL that excited about my birthday. I have no exciting plans, just dinner and cake and ice cream with my family, and probably celebrating with a friend in a few days. But I simply love my birthday.

A lot of people hate getting older.... I am reaching an age where people now don't ask "Oh! How old are you turning?" When they hear your birthday is coming up. And part of me has to wonder, why not? Why the heck do we care how old someone is? Why is it embarrassing that we've survived another year on earth? I hate to get all deep, but I am about to. A few years ago, I was struggle bussing hardcore. I had a lot of stuff going on mentally and emotionally, and I didn't see much value in living anymore. Granted, I never acted on those thoughts but there were times when it got pretty bad. Each day that I woke up alive was a victory during that point in my life. It was too hard to take life year by year, or even month by month. I had to choose to survive literally minute by minute. I remember my therapist Gina telling me at one point "Marissa, the only one who can save yourself from yourself is you. If you don't help yourself no one else will be able to either." That really hit me hard, I decided I had to choose to live, and I did just that. 

And so here I sit, a good 5 years later. I won't say my life is perfect by any means, but I am definitely not living in that dark place that I was almost 5 years ago. I was sitting on my couch earlier and thinking "Wow. I am really excited for year 26. I am SO happy I am older!" We complain about getting older and yes, our bodies do start aging and falling apart. But getting older has been such a blessing in disguise for me. I have learned so much, and have begun to experience what life is really all about.

Take year 25 for example- I successfully lived in a new state for over 1 year by myself. I managed my first apartment, car, and everything that came with it. I lost some extremely important relationships, and gained a few new ones. I've lost around 30 lbs, gotten my eating and exercise on track, and am able to manage my mental health 99% of the time. I tried new foods, explored new places. I cried many tears of sadness, but also laughed till I was crying more times than I can count. I truly feel that year 25 I grew up. I became an independent adult. I dared to start dreaming again, and I am honestly just so excited to be alive, and for what the next few years of my life will bring, which is much more than I could say even 2 years ago.  

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you thankful to be getting older? Are you thankful for another day to live, breathe, eat, praise God and just be? Or are you whining, complaining and embarrassed that you are ______ years old? Can I challenge you to take a step back, and be thankful for all the time on earth you have had? For the people you have met, the lives you have changed? For all the ways God is still going to use you? He's not finished with you yet.

So here's to year 25, thank you for changing me in ways I couldn't have expected or imagined. I can only hope and pray that year 26 is filled with as many challenges, moments of joy, growth, and excitement! I am not one bit ashamed to say I made it through another year on earth. I am almost 26, and I am proud! 

If You Want to Do Big Things, You Have to Make Big Asks

I remember sitting in my high school Bible class as a Sophomore in High School, as John Zylka, our Director of Campus Community was teaching that day. If you know Mr. Z at all, he is quite the guy. His stories are incredible- from his fire fighting days, to teaching, to simply being a parent, and doing life with a lot of kids and teens, this guy has seen and done a lot. It is also commonly known that Zylka knows EVERYONE. You need a connection with the Detriot Tigers? He knows a guys. Michigan Football? He knows a guy. Someone from Mott Children's He knows a guy. It really is amazing in the grand scheme of things... Zylka started at my school when I was in 7th grade I believe. Maybe 8th. Can't really remember anymore. But that first year he made it known that he wanted to know every kid in the school by name, and he wanted to know about your life. He also made it know that if he accidentally called us by the wrong name, he would buy us anything we wanted from Subway. And he did just that. He didn't have to buy a ton of subs, because once Zylka knows you, he knows you. But he did buy subs, he even bought one for me at one point. And Zylka would always tell us that that is what is important in life- it's not about the money, it's not about the job. It's about the people. Get to know the janitor, ask them about their day, sincerely. Talk to people. Find ways to love them. Because in the end, its the community that you build that will help you when you need it, and you will help them in return.

So back to Sophmore Bible class. Zylka was teaching and told us that we would be working on a semester long project, something to benefit our community, and we each had to work on an individual project. He also told us that he wanted us to dream really, really big. Like finding a cure to cancer big. He assured us that we wouldn't succeed on our big dream this round, but that we needed to find that willingness, that drive to chase that dream. I can't remember the story exactly, but Zylka was in a position where he needed a helicopter for something. Not exactly something an everyday civilian can get their hands on easily. He told us the story, and eventually he secured a helicopter (or whatever it was he needed. That's not the point). I remember him saying very clearly to us "You guys know why that worked out? Because sometimes when you want to do big things, you have to be willing to make big asks! That's what I want you to do with this project.... Go make some big asks, and make a difference!" 

Sitting there at 16 years old, this hit me hard. As a very shy, quiet person any sort of "big ask" seemed beyond terrifying. And so after a few weeks as I developed my project I determined I was going to sell candy bars, and collect food for Hope Clinic, a local food bank and help location for those in need in Ypsilanti. My big ask? I contacted local stores, and asked them to donate money or boxes of candy bars for me to sell. Sam's Club awarded me $25, and I was beyond thrilled. I ended up raising around $125 for Hope Clinic, and brought in a few boxes of food/non perishables. For me, this was HUGE. I never expected to even raise $30, much less over $100.

Little did I know that this service project led to me having a leadership role in Beta Club my Junior and Senior years of high school and leading monthly collections of food and non perishables for Hope Clinic the rest of my time at WCA. We donated hundreds and hundreds of boxes of food over the next couple years, and it even continued for a while after I graduated. All because I dared to make one big ask.

I'm sitting here at Starbucks as I often do, contemplating and processing my life. I will be 26 in less than a week, and in short this year has been CRAZY. If you had told me at this time last year that I would be sitting here a year later basically unemployed, broke, and clueless about next steps I woulda been like "OH HECK NO. We aren't doing that! NO WAY. I know what I am doing, and where I am going, and that is NOT IT. I won't let it get that bad!" And yet, here we are. It's moments like this that make me thankful we aren't allowed to know the future... because if we were, I am pretty sure most of us wouldn't live to see it.

My life from December 2017 to the present has been extremely difficult to say the least. I quit a job I loved, because the parent I worked for was literally insane, and making my life a living hell. (Just ask my roommate lol) I thought I'd get a job in a week, and things would be fine.... they weren't. Christmas rolled around- still unemployed. Then, I ended up with food poisoning, and things kept going downhill. I finally landed some part time work in January, and have justtttt barely been squeaking by financially. After getting screwed for a 3rd or 4th time with a family telling me they were offering me a full time position, I decided that something needs to change, because I cannot survive under this amount of financial stress for really any more months.

So last Friday, I made a daring decision. I decided to start applying for jobs in Michigan. People, by Monday I had eleven interviews set up. ELEVEN. After MONTHS of nothing, ELEVEN INTERVIEWS. To say that I got overwhelmed was an understatement. By Monday afternoon? I was offered a job. Granted, I couldn't take that job because the pay wasn't going to be worth it for me to move back, but still it was an offer. I sat down Monday afternoon, straight up panicking realizing I was going to have to make MAJOR life decisions pretty quickly if one of these jobs does pan out. I talked to my dad, and my therapist Gina, and both reinforced one thing: You have to do what's best for you. My internal response?!: "NO. I DON'T FEEL LIKE AN ADULT RIGHT NOW. I NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT TO MAKE THESE DECISIONS FOR MEEEE!!!!" After some tears and tea, I calmed down and started handling things like an adult, I am happy to say!! ;)

I sit here almost a week later in the same Starbucks, and I am simply overwhelmed by what God has shown in the past week. I feel like the widow in the Bible with the little oil left that didn't run out as I went to pay rent this morning and still somehow have SOME money left in my bank account. Don't get me wrong- where I am at is NOT a good place. I am NOT happy to be here.... But, I know darn well it is where I need to be, as uncomfortable as it is.

My thought process went back to Zylka's Bible class this morning.... He challenged us to make "big asks" in every part of our life- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. All things. As I sat this week applying for jobs, and doing phone and in person interviews. I have been making big asks. I have been asking for more hours, and more pay. I have a degree, and I know that my skills are worth what I am asking for. I realized this week that I want to do grad school online, through a Christian university which is NOT what I would have said had you asked me even two weeks ago. I am being brave, and asking God to help me find a job that will give me enough financial security to meet my needs so that I can focus on school full time, and go back into doing ministry eventually as a therapist. A few weeks ago? I would have been afraid to admit any of this outloud. Afraid to admit that I have dreams, and I want to chase them again, because I am SO terrified of failure because of how hellish the past few years of my life have been. And yet I just kept hearing Zylka's voice saying "Marissa, if you want to do big things, you have to be willing to make big asks." And just as God worked through my "big ask" in High school, I know that He will work through my "big asks" now.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you willing to make big asks to accomplish your dreams? Are you willing to trust God with your hopes and dreams? Are you willing to go through whatever it takes to get there? My dad and Gina both said something to me similar on Monday: You say you want to go to school- but are you willing to do whatever it takes to make going to school a reality? Even moving home for a few months, going to school online, working a job you don't "love" etc.? Are you willing? And I realized that before this week. I wasn't honestly. I wanted a cushy, easy life, and was waiting for things to be simple and easy before I started dreaming again. And I realized that is NEVER going to happen. I am going to HAVE to dream and jump off the ledge if I want to accomplish my dreams. So I just want to encourage you today- Where has God been nudging you to take a leap of faith that you've been quietly ignoring, or waiting for a "better time"? Can I challenge you today? Make a big ask. Tell God your hopes dreams. Ask Him to show you how his plans play into some of those hopes and desires. Be willing to make a Big Ask and ask God to close the doors that are needed to lead you where you need to be. It will be hard, scary, draining and probably awful. But you will not regret the end result- I promise. I am calm, feel secure, and excited even in the face of unemployment simply because of what my pastor reminded us all of on Sunday: I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. And God calls me to a life of freedom, joy, and adventure THROUGH Him. And so because of that fact alone, I am taking these leaps of faith, and daring to believe that God is good, He will come through, and I will accomplish His plans for me, one step at a time.