Grief is Really Just Love

I was emailing my old boss Jane the other day asking for a graduate school reference, and also talking about my old job, and the changes that have taken place over the past few months. I realized I didn't ever turn in my keys, and asked Jane what I should do. She replied telling me that the church who now owns the house changed the locks, so in reality I could do whatever I wanted with them. I can barely find words to describe what happened next..... It's almost as if ice went through my veins, and I felt like I was going to throw up all at the same time. 

This is our home. It's not being used as a safehouse anymore, so I can finally share where I basically lived for the past year and a half. I spent more time crying, laughing, grieving, playing, planning, and just doing life in this place then I think I have anywhere else in my life. I went back to the house in December, and took a few minutes to just sit and cry, and collect some items of mine that were in the house. I always planned on coming back and dropping off my keys later, and giving myself space to really say "goodbye" but could never bring myself to do it. And then I got Jane's email, and my blood went cold when I realized that I would never set foot in Hope's House again. Ever since September, I have been holding out hope that we would get to start over, and that we would get up and running again. But after a FB a month ago from our former director, I realized that those dreams were probably over, but still held on to a glimmer of hope. Then came Jane's email, and it was like the final door slam, with a big ol' padlock and crushed the remainder of hope that I had. It was all over in a matter of seconds. I couldn't breathe, and had to simply go lay down and cry.

I wish there was someway to know beforehand that it was going to be my last time doing something, so I could mentally prepare and grieve. I don't handle change and transition well at all. I've gotten better, but it's still like pulling teeth slowly when I know change is coming. Heck, I even mentally prepare myself for the last bites of my food. Like when I eat Lucky Charms? I make sure marshmallows are my last bite. It's just how I roll. So unexpected "lasts" don't really go over well with me. 

I found this song last week, as I was processing the huge amount of grief I have to work through from the past few years of my life post college, and I feel like it is super fitting for this situation, and many more. It talks about how we go through many "deaths" in our lives, and yet there aren't funerals for these events: end of relationships, moving, losing a job, etc. There is no mainstream grieving process, no one drops off food, or sends cards, or lets you take off work. And yet, the pain is the same. 

I've been thinking a lot about a few relationships that I have lost over the past year. Some have just faded due to time passing and things changing, but one relationship seemingly changed overnight, and its been hard for me to finish letting go. I thought of the last time I saw this friend, and we said goodbye at the airport. I was crying, and as I think back on it it was like my heart knew that was the last time we would hang out as "friends" as our relationship fell apart a few mere months later. I haven't really let myself fully grieve the loss of this relationship- I've been slowly holding out hope that this friendship will repair itself. When in reality? It's over. And I don't think that I really realized that until yesterday. In a sense, just as the locks got changed on the house, the locks got changed on that relationship too. I am not going to get to have the final "moments" of my choice, and control the situation. And in reality, that leaves me with a choice. Do I continue on, holding out hope and pretending nothing has happened? Or, do I choose to let myself let go and grieve?

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Have you taken time to grieve the deaths in your life that didn't have a funeral? Can I encourage you to do just that? Take time, listen to the song above. Let yourself grieve those losses, even though they aren't technically a real death. In some ways, I am not sure our heart knows the difference. It only knows that it is in pain, and desperately wants to let it out. I read a quote earlier today that said this: 

It totally changed my perspective of grief. When I think of all the love I miss pouring out on my girls, on my friends, and other people, it all makes sense. And as I navigate this "grief" or overflowing of love with nowhere to go, it challenges my thought process. It makes me want to find a new place for all that love to go, which gives me the courage to let the tears out, and let it all go. I want to challenge you to think about doing just that. Allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes up, and think about new places where your overflowing love could go. It won't be an easy, but as the song says you will soon see that life can and will be sweet again, and you will find places for all that love to go again.