All I Am Doing is Handing Out Sticks

**Trigger warning- I openly talk about several mental health issues including suicide and suicidal tendencies. If this is triggering for you, you may not want to read it.**

I've been thinking about how exactly to write this post for a few days now, and haven't really been able to find the words, only knowing it needs to be said. As many of you already know, two celebrities lost their lives by suicide last week. At first I was of course sad, as I am anytime I hear that someone has lost the fight against depression. But then I saw the social media response and I honestly was just angry. If you know me personally, I am a HUGE mental health advocate and have struggled immensely with depression my entire life, and at a few points suicidal ideation. I get it, on many levels. So I should be happy right, that we are "finally talking about it" and bringing the topic of suicide back into the light once again? Right?

My friend Tyler posted this today and my thought was "YES!" Good lord. These two people die, and every form of social media has been FLOODED with "mental health awareness" stuff. Don't get me wrong at all- I am SO glad people are attempting to initiate these conversations because they desperately need to happen. But with every new post I saw telling depressed people to reach out for help, and for non depressed people to check on their friends 24/7 I thought "Good grief. Does anyone actually get this?" Why does it take celebrities dying for people to (briefly) take mental health seriously? And what is going to happen when these good meaning people move on in two weeks, and barely remember that these deaths even took place? What is going to happen to the literal thousands of people who have been constantly triggered by all the suicide talk and information that have been posted over the past two weeks? Suicide is a problem 24/7 people. It doesn't become an issue because "people who had everything in the world" died. It's an issue because people are traumatized, hurting, and alone and many, many people do not have the resources to get the help they so desperately need. 

I am angry because as someone who was suicidal at one point, it is hard to see the world fall apart over celebrities but not seem to care about every day people, or even veterans as the above picture shows. I am angry because we constantly argue over gun laws, abortion, and every thing else under the freaking sun, and yet mental health policies remain barely touched. The only people who make noise about it are people in the mental health field, or ones who need the resources. Insurance companies screwing people over not paying for meds and therapy, making it SUCH a hassle for therapists to accept insurance that most cannot do it. They lose SO much money in the process they cannot afford to do it even if their heart desperately wants to. Because in reality? 90% of the people who need intensive therapy cannot afford it, and it makes me angry. 

I am angry for all the people who are currently suicidal, or are coming off a wave of being suicidal. I am angry that their friends and family may smoother them with support because its the "in" thing right now, but in a few weeks may disappear. I am angry that even in 2018 most people cannot handle having a serious discussion about suicide. Don't get me wrong- it is downright terrifying for someone to tell you they are suicidal. But honestly? It is even more terrifying for the person who is actually suicidal. Because if you haven't been there let me tell you- when you desperately can't find your way out of the darkness it is the most terrifying thing you will ever experience in your life. It's like a black hole- no idea how you got in, no idea how to get out, and so dark you can't even see your own hand in front of your face. All while hearing whispers of "Just do it." "No one will care once you're gone" "It's not going to get any better." "You'll be pain free if you just end it." "No one gets your pain." Or when the positivity people show up "I know it's dark, but I just can't understand why you don't turn on a light? or ask someone for a flashlight?" or "Why could you possibly want to die, you have such a great life!" The problem? The darkness extinguishes that light in a way I cannot even put into words. 

I thought about all of this as I sat in my therapist's office today. I don't think she will ever really know how thankful I am to have her in my life. I started meeting with her when I was 18, and it was honestly the best, probably most important, life saving decision I have ever made. I've been in a bit of a rough patch, but had a good session today. At the end she said to me "Marissa, you kicked butt today! You figured out 99% of everything by yourself, I barely had to say a word! You should be really proud of yourself!" And to be honest? I was. I was really proud of myself. Because I thought back to the first time I had to tell her that I was suicidal. I was in college, probably my junior year. She had asked me at the end of my session if I had been having thoughts about hurting myself or wanting to die. I rolled my eyes and told her no that I was fine, but in reality I was far from fine. I thought about what she said all night, and realized I needed to see her again. We met the next day, and told her through sobbing tears that I had lied, that I had thought many times about wanting to die, and had been self harming. When I think back on that year, it was so hard. It was the worst depression I have ever experienced, and most of that year is a blur to me honestly. But the thing that has amazed me, is that my therapist has never been afraid of my pain even when I was terrified. She stood firm and secure and led me out of that terrible, terrible darkness more times than I can count. And every time my depression flares up, I end up in her office in tears terrified that I am going to go back into that dark jungle and this time will be the time I won't be able to find my way out. And it's been years- about 5 actually. This is why these social media "hype" has gotten me so upset. Because it's triggering, and in most ways not helpful to those who have actually been suicidal, or are currently. It breaks my heart, because this is where my heart is- I want people experiencing depression to find help like I did. I want them to find their way out of the jungle, and I am not sure what the answer is, all I know is that we need to find it. 

I found this during my junior year and the first time I read it I cried. I cried really hard. It's just beautiful. Suicide survivors are the farthest thing from weak. They are honestly some of the strongest people that I know. Every time one of my girls at Shelterwood were suicidal, I showed them this poster and told them "Girl, I will ALWAYS find a freaking stick for you. We are gonna survive the jungle together." It became a way of asking them if they were alright in a way that wasn't demeaning but empowering. I'd say "Hey buddy- do you need a stick?" and they'd know. They'd know that I saw them. That they were struggling, and I wanted to help them fight. 

When I started writing this, I originally was going to bring my faith into the post (which is a HUGE reason for my recovery, but it also was a HUGE setback in my struggle and when I was struggling the LAST thing I wanted to read was yet another Christian article about how "Jesus makes everything okay" and how "people who die by suicide probably don't go to heaven" (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE) Or really anything about faith. I couldn't handle it. And I am hoping and praying that this blogpost reaches someone who really needs to hear this message. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: If these past few weeks have been hard for you because suicide is a part of your story in some way I want to encourage you- I know firsthand how hard it is to have this stuff in your face 24/7 when its the last thing you want to be thinking about. Keep holding on my friends. Can I also encourage you to speak up? I know its terrifying, but share your story. Let people know that this is hard for you. If you are currently suicidal, or experiencing suicidal thoughts please, please please try and go to a therapist. If you can't afford it, there are free options in your community that can get you set up with something longer term. I promise you 100% that you will find your way out of the darkness, and there are loving, wonderful amazing people like my therapist who won't leave your side. 

For those who haven't truly been affected by suicide here is my random thought for you: Do whatever it takes to not stop caring when they hype dies down..... When "13 Reasons Why" is no longer making new episodes, and every social media site in existence isn't posting about suicide every day. And if there is someone in your life you are worried about? Can I beg you to talk to them please? If you don't know how to approach that conversation, leave a comment below. I would love to walk you through it. And tell everyone in your life every chance you get how much they mean to you.... It literally can be the smallest thing that can bring someone back to reality when they are suicidal- like getting a text message saying that someone was thinking about them. Depression robs you of your ability to believe that people actually care. Start conversations, share your story. Ask how you can help. I developed a number system with my therapist, and if my friends thought I was struggling they would simply ask "Hey, what number are you at?" and if it was high they would say "Okay. What are you going to do about it? Can I help in any way?" And I would let them know. It is really that simple people. 

And if you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for caring, and for reading a part of my story. I hope and pray that if we all work together that the suicide rates will start declining in our country instead of constantly climbing. Please feel free to message me if you are struggling, know someone who is struggling, or just in need of someone to talk to.