A Season of Restoration

I've tried to write this update three separate times now. God has laid SO many things on my heart to share, and yet I know it will be seemingly impossible to fit them all into one blog post! My heart is full. Full of chaos, happiness, sadness, anger, grief, and probably 100 more emotions. To all the texts, phone calls, and emails I have ignored over the past month, I sincerely apologize!! You are not being ignored, I have simply been WAY too busy for my own good. Tonight is the first time I have had time to sit down and process in almost 2-3 weeks, and that in itself is a bit overwhelming in itself beside the fact that work has been a bit intense and crazy over the past week.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that it is SO incredibly clear that this is where God wants me. I think I knew that God wanted me at Shelterwood as well, but I let the fear overwhelm the goodness at that point in my life and it was hard to simply see how God was working and I was SO terrified of what I had gotten myself into I couldn't focus on anything else. This time around? Completely different. Mind you, I am still afraid. Terrified might even be a good word. And yet, my mind has been blown since I started working at The Daughter Project just a short 4 weeks ago. I have been scared out of my mind, but I have been coping extremely well. This past week has been INSANE with things going on at work, and yet I have stayed level headed. Triggered beyond all belief multiple times- no panic attacks. Memories of Shelterwood flooding my mind 24/7- no panic, and really only a few tears. I've just simply been shocked, quite frankly. God has given me strength that I did not know I possessed until a few weeks ago.

I prayed SO many specific things for the season after I quit nannying. Quite frankly I prayed "God, you need to be EXTREMELY clear that this is where I am supposed to go next. X.Y. and Z all need to be realities for me to actually know completely that I am supposed to go." And then, (freakishly) all the pieces fell into place slowly one by one. I completely lost my mind quite frankly. I was terrified because in all reality? I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I was quite content being comfortable. I was content making the money I was making. I was content not having to do real work in counseling. I was content not having to use much of my education. I was content, but I was not fulfilled or happy.

And here we are. I am in a place that fits EXACTLY what I need spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. And each day it gets a little easier.  I joked with my co-workers yesterday saying "I feel weird telling people I LOVE my job when sometimes my job involves insane things like chasing after teenagers who are running away from our facility, or going to court, or being yelled at alllllll day, and being called awful names. My job is hard, but I come out every single day LOVING what I do."

That being said, my co-workers. Good gracious. If any of you are reading this- YOU ARE AMAZING! I have never, ever ever felt SO loved, appreciated, valued, and cherished as these people have made me feel. They are seriously the most incredible people I have ever gotten to know. It has amazed me how God has challenged these relationships thus far, and really challenging me to be vulnerable with them and get to know their hearts and stories. I had some INCREDIBLE relationships at Shelterwood, and I still do. But there was always a part of me that felt like I never quite fit in, and wasn't able to be as vulnerable and real with them as I probably needed to be. And yet the healing God has brought from that, and the change in me He has brought through that has been absolutely incredible.

Simply in general, I have begun to see the fruit of taking a year off and the HARD work I did in counseling. I have changed SO much over the past year, it is mindblowing. In reality? I have changed SO SO much over the past two years, I don't even recognize myself much anymore. I am in the middle still of a longgggg journey of healing, but for the first time in my life I thought yesterday "I can see tangible evidence that I have healed and grown over the past two years." And then I simply smiled.

But later, those thoughts began to haunt me quite frankly. I was scared- what if I can't "keep this up" what if I fall back? What if I fail? What if it gets bad again?! And in reality? It will. But God has made it SO clear that I have entered a new season- a season of restoration. He wants to restore me so desperately to who He has created me to be. And in reality? I won't be there till heaven. But this new season, I know God is calling me to freedom- to let go of my past, and to try new and exciting things that I have spent my whole life being afraid to do. And I am excited and terrified all at the same time. As I have said to co-workers a lot over the past few weeks "It's just messy!"

I listened to the song I posted above on Sunday, as well as today and I felt that it fit well for this season and really is my prayer as I start this new journey. When I taste the goodness of the Lord, I shall not be in want. I have never ever been so satisfied with what God is teaching me, revealing to me and providing to me. As nervous as I am for this new season, I am 100x more excited to see how God is going to continue working in my life and healing my heart as well as the hearts of the girls I work with, and my co-workers. It has already been such an immense blessing, and I know there are only more to come.

I ask for your prayers, as well as support. I welcome messages, phone calls, letters, Bible verses, quotes, care packages, or anything of the sort. I am so so thankful for the community God has given me, both at home in Michigan, and around the globe quite frankly. If you are interested on how you can support the girls I work with, please feel free to contact me and I can give you some ideas!

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... In what areas of your life does God want to bring you restoration? Maybe it's your marriage, or your relationship with your kids. Maybe it's your relationship with God, or your relationship with an unhealthy coping mechanism. Maybe it's not a relationship at all, I don't know. But I do know that God is a God of restoration, and he wants to bring you that healing in ways you cannot even begin to ask or imagine!

Believe It Or Not, I Am Not A Know It All

I went into training acting like a know it all. 

Okay, maybe that is a little blunt and maybe not entirely true. I went in thinking "I worked at Shelterwood and there is NOTHING that is going to phase me or will be harder than anything I encountered there. I've been called horrific names, been hit, scratched, had things thrown at me, and told I was worthless, unloveable, and really anything else derogatory you can think of. Bring it on, I'll show you how tough I am! Ask me any question, throw me in any scenario, I am 100% prepared!" 

Well friends? That came back to bite me in the butt today. Today was the first day that training actually challenged me emotionally and mentally. I had stuff from Shelterwood triggered, and it made me start thinking things like "I am not ready for this, I am not qualified enough for this, why would these girls ever want anything to do with me?!" I at least recognized that they are all lies, but it's hard to have that kind of thinking coming in like it used to everyday I worked at the wood. My thinking patterns of "knowing it all" was a way of protecting myself. If I know in my head that nothing these girls can throw at me will be surprising or new, I don't have to worry about it hurting me because I have seen it before. But, if there are unknowns, suddenly my mind is convinced that I am not safe and I need to freak out. In reality? Thats not always true. Welcome to a mind with severe anxiety lol 

We had trauma training today at the local counties children's services, and I went to my car and balled my eyes out for a good ten minutes. It all started coming back to me, the pain that these kids have gone through that NO child should ever have to go through EVER. It makes me angry, I hurt for them and their families. And I realized once again, that there is NO WAY I can possibly be prepared for every single scenario that I am going to face with these girls. Especially because I have never worked exclusively with sex trafficking survivors. And I felt like God called me out. In a loving way mind you, but I got called out. He told me: "Marissa, I am not done working in you, or through you yet. In your mind Shelterwood started and ended that journey, but I have SO much more to teach you. I have so much more life and freedom for you that is still so locked up from your own past, and it's time to keep moving forward, healing, forgiving and moving forward. We aren't done here yet." 

There have been so many things that have been hard for me regarding starting this job that I haven't been able to verbalize to anyone else. It's been chaotic, as I am still driving back and forth from Michigan everyday as I wait for my cat pee filled carpet in my apartment to be replaced. Everything is chaotic, nothing is unpacked, I have nowhere to simply rest and process my thoughts. As I was crying on the phone talking to my counselor this afternoon she stopped me while I was word vomiting and said "Marissa, go find Starbucks. Any Starbucks. It's familiar to you, it's calming for you. Process for a bit and then turn on Friends. Let yourself unwind and relax for a bit." So I here I sit, in a random Starbucks just like I did so many times in Missouri simply trying to process what is going on in my own life.  

I love the organization I am working for. I love my co-workers. And yet if I am being vulnerable it has been hard for me because I am facing SO much change and transition, and I don't know any of them well enough yet to really trust them and open my heart to them and tell them where I am at. It's hard, and it's challenging. There are many many many times where I am terrified that I am going to screw up, and its going to end traumatically like my time at Shelterwood, even though I have been reassured many many times that it won't. It's hard. It's messy. And sooooo many times over the past week especially I've just wanted to scream a million times "FORGET IT! I AM GOING HOME!" And yet, deep within my soul I know I cannot do that. I have a calling higher than what my feelings dictate, and I know that I have to keep going, as hard as it is. 

Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job thus far. I know 100% this is where I am supposed to be, and that has been reinforced to me over and over again by many people. It's just not going as perfectly and seamlessly and emotionlessly as I had planned it in my mind, and that is totally okay. I am transitioning, I am learning, and I am growing. 

And so today, I humbly ask for your prayers as I transition into this new position. Please pray that God would continue to humble my heart and remind me that this is HIS work that I am doing, not my own. But at the same time, that He would continue to give me grace, and that I would give myself grace as I navigate this new season and so many changes each and every day. I am really excited for this new season, like really excited. My counselor has told me many many times that she sees some serious progress heading in my direction, and she is excited for me too. It's hard on days like today when I feel 100% unqualified, but I know deep in my heart that there is sooo much good that is going to pour out of this, and I honestly can't wait to see it. 

One. Last. Stand.

Have you ever known that God is calling you to do something and Satan has tried to take you down every single stinking step of the way? That's been my life for the past two weeks. I keep hitting roadblock after roadblock trying to move to Ohio, and it is frustrating beyond any belief.

First, it took me two weeks to get in for a physical from my primary care so I could get medical clearance meaning I am going to be 30-45 min late to my first day of training. Second, I found out my housing is wayyy farther away than what I was planning on driving to work every day. Third, I've had a terrible time trying to find an affordable car. Fourth? I lost my license and insurance card, and couldn't find it until I had searched for appx. 3 hours.

Oh. my. word. 

You're probably exhausted just reading this list! It has been straight CRAZY. And yet as I sat in my room in tears earlier I couldn't help but think in my mind "As hard as this is, I know this is where God wants me to be, and I know he isn't telling me not to go." I had prayed like 6 times. My mom had prayed, we had literally turned our house upside down trying to find this license, and we could not find it anywhere. I finally gave up and started registering for a new on on Secretary of State when I found it 15 min later. Praise Jesus. 

I don't say all this to complain.... I say this to say exactly the opposite: Don't complain- trust and pray. I remembered something that Louie Gigilo had preached about in 2013 when I went to Passion- the Devil's one last stand. Louie talked about how the devil will do ANYTHING to try and derail us from following God's plan for us, right up until the last second but that is important that we stand strong in Christ, even if we come out afterwards basically half dead. 

I firmly believe that the events that have taken place over the past few weeks are the Devil's "one last stand" trying to get me to chicken out of moving to Ohio. Well Devil, I got a few words for you- 

BACK OFF! I BELONG TO JESUS!

I think of what Pastor Bill says almost every week at church- if you have a complete and utter meltdown and curse God over the oven dying, how are you gonna face actual persecution when the time comes?

Have you ever thought about that? How do you react when hard times come? For the first time EVER in my life I have been handling transition and change pretty well. I had a few weeks of complete and utter shut down, but very few panic attacks and very few tears. I've been coping and praying my butt off, but it's working and that is what is extremely important. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What is the devil using as his one last stand in your life? What is God challenging you to do but Satan keeps getting in the way? I challenge you to take some time and seriously pray about it. As soon as I found my license? I drove to Starbucks and had some intense prayer time. Don't let anything else get in the way. Get on your face and talk to Jesus. Don't let the Devil win this battle, especially because you know he already lost the war. 

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" - Winnie the Pooh

I've told myself a lot of things about this next season. 

Like today? I told myself I wasn't going to cry when I finally said goodbye to my baby.  And I held to that, until about 3:00, and then I lost it and cried off and on for the next hour and a half. 

Some people say that nannying isn't even a 'real' job.... Well guess what? I think it is a very real job. My heart thinks it's a very real job and got very attached to a certain 11 month old who I've spent more time with over the past 8 months than I have my own family. 

I've watched myself as I have anxiously waited and waited and waited and counted down the days till I was done since I applied for my new job back in June. I thought I was tired of nannying, I thought I was ready to be done, I thought I was ready to move on. And in the last moments of my work shift today, I started questioning that and feeling like my whole world was unraveling. I felt like maybe I am making a huge mistake by leaving, and starting over somewhere fresh and new. 

And yet, I went through the exact same change of emotions when I went to Missouri. 

Except, there was a difference when I went to Missouri. In the words of my counselor, I used Missouri to try and run away from everything I've known. I thought I could start fresh and leave everything and everyone behind me and never ever have to look back. 

But thankfully, the people I tried to cut out for months while I was in Missouri took me back with open arms when I returned home unexpectedly. And I started a job. A job that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to do something.

And soon enough, I loved this child. I loved this child as much as I love my Missouri girls. When I came home 11.5 months ago, I was not functional. I can't tell you what I even did the first week and a half I was back. Mostly laid in bed and watched movies. I barely ate, I barely slept. I talked to no one other than my therapist and one or two close friends. I was completely broken. But once I started nannying, suddenly I had purpose again. I had a child who needed me to comfort him, feed him, soothe him and love him. I may not have been able to feed myself, but I could feed Elliot. I may not have wanted to go for a walk, but Elliot needed it to help calm him down, so I did it. 

And slowly but surely, this job played a part in walking me out of one of the darkest seasons I have ever known. 

I remember sitting on their couch one morning and thinking "It's time. It's time to go back to the work God has called me to. The season of rest is over." and I just sat there, scared out of my living mind but knew it was time to take steps to move forward. 

As frustrated as I was that it took all summer for me to get this position figured out, God knew I needed the time. He knew I needed to adjust, to grieve, to prepare, to learn to cope, and to let go. I wouldn't have been ready to start my new job a month ago like I planned on. I needed this time to truly prepare for the next season. 

So now I sit here at my Starbucks where they greet me by my first name and know my order by heart, and I am trying to let myself just grieve. And hurt. And know that while as hard as it is to let this season go, a new season is coming. One of growth, renewal, hope, and laughter, and joy. It will be different, and it will be hard, and probably not at all what I expect. But it will be good, and I look forward to it. And this time? I am not running. I have prepared and prepped and prayed for this season like it's nobody's business. My counselor told me yesterday how proud she is of me because I am really trying hard to put myself in a good situation that will work well for me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

And to Elliot, thank you. Thank you for your smiles, giggles, hugs, slobbery kisses, laughter, tears, selfies, and everything inbetween. You've taught me more about unconditional love than I ever knew I needed to learn and I am going to miss you with all my heart. 

The Power of Love

Today is a very special day in my world... it's my best friend's birthday! I saw a quote earlier that said something along the lines of "I never knew how important you would be to me when I first met you." This couldn't apply more to our friendship... I look to where we've been, and where we are going, and all I can think is "Holy crap. This friendship is seriously one in a million." And so I just want to take a minute, and honor this friendship.

When I went to college, I quickly made friends. I had friends before I even moved into my dorm. I had a lot of fun with these friends, but something was missing. I began praying that God would send me a friend to challenge me, encourage me, and help me to grow and I could do the same for them. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. 

I met Becky at some point during her freshman year, my sophomore year, I don't really remember when. (This isn't one of those from the first moment we met I knew we were going to be best friends moments..) We were acquaintances, and that was about it. Eventually I knew she loved dogs and Jesus, and that was about it. But towards the end of her freshman year, we started hanging out more and I thought "Hey. We like a lot of the same things. I bet we could be friends!" And from there, it feels like history. 

But, like all friends, we hit storms. It was HARD. Seriously so hard. We have poured SO much time and effort into our friendship that many, many people thought we were crazy and told us to give up and that we shouldn't be friends anymore if our relationship took effort. And we went through some very rough seasons, but we always knew if we were supposed to be friends, God would keep us together. I found this quote during a rough patch, and it really changed my perspective on my relationship with Becky, but truly relationships as a whole. 

And I realized, if I say that I love my friends, I need to actually love them. I need to love them when they are being great, and I need to love them when they are being so annoying I could scream. Love doesn't stop simply because things aren't going well. Love perseveres. I think of 1 Corin. 13- how often do we actually live that out? I know I don't very often, and yet as Christians that's what we are called to do- love each other. Our culture throws around the word 'love' so haphazardly. For a long time in my life "I love you" meant absolutely nothing. There was no feeling behind it, just words I knew I was supposed to say. So, when I first went to college I stopped telling people I loved them unless I was sure I meant it. Now? I tell people I love them all the time. The power of love is truly an incredible thing. 

And to think- the most powerful love of all comes from Jesus. He loved us SO much, he can't bear the thought of eternity without us, and so he gave up his life and took our place conquering death. Wow. Seriously- I couldn't show love to 90% of the people in my life without Jesus. I spend a LOT of time praying over my relationships because they have high value to me, and I know they have high value to Jesus. I couldn't love Becky or any other of my friends without Jesus, and I am so incredibly thankful for that. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What relationships have been a blessing to you? Do you really love that other person like you say that you do? Or are you just infatuated with them? The same goes to your relationship with God- do you love Him? Or are you infatuated with him? 

And to Becky.... Happy Birthday my sweet friend. You show me unconditional love and grace every day and reflect Jesus in all that you do. Thank you for loving me, challenging me, laughing with me, and most importantly loving the Hunger Games. You are one of the best friends I could ever ask for, and I am really really thankful for all that I have learned through us being friends. 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." - Confucious

I did something today. It may seem minor to some, but to me it signified the end of a very long season.... I updated the look of my blog. You may be thinking "Honestly Marissa? That is not that big of a deal.... really." But in reality? People tell me that my food touching isn't a big deal either. Well guess what? To me its a big deal!

I have had the same "theme" on my blog since my Junior year of high school when I started this blog. I loved the pastel colors, and the dandelions floating through the wind representing my random thoughts that I often write about. At that point, I didn't take my blog seriously at all. I didn't think anyone read it outside of my few friends who also had blogs. But when I started college, I started writing more seriously, wondering if people would actually get something out of my weird thoughts and connections in life and faith. And they did. I actually had a few people tell me I should consider creating a book/devotional out of some of my posts. I was shocked... I was like "What?! People are actually interested in what I have to say?!" And so I started writing more and more. And now, I view my blog as a more in depth look at my life for the people who care to read it, other than the stuff I post on Facebook.

And so, I was starting to write a post today and I looked at my blog and thought "It's time for something new. I'm not the same girl who started this blog years ago, and I want to reflect that." And so I did. It took time and effort, but I am really happy with the way it looks now. It reflects more of me as a person than it did before, and I am really proud of that.

As I started to write this post, I have had the changes in my life on my mind a LOT today. It's my last full week of nannying, and it is a little bit bitter sweet. I am terrified to begin this new season in so many ways, and yet it has been so so so clear to me that it is time to move forward. I first saw the quote I posted above when I came home from Shelterwood. And as much pain as I was in last October, I knew in my heart it would have been more painful to try and stay when I knew I no longer belonged there.

The same is true now. I go to church on Sunday, I sit at home, and these places are familiar, they are home and where I belong. But at the same time there is a part of my soul that is pushing me more and more everyday saying "You don't belong here for the next season. It will always be here to come back to, but for now it's time to go. Yes, it will hurt to leave, but it would be more painful to stay when you're supposed to go."

I think of Jonah when God told him to go to Ninevah, and he went to Tarsus instead and got thrown out of the boat. It would have been very hard for Jonah to go to Ninevah in the first place. But didn't it end up being harder for him when he tried to stay where he was at? He ended up having to deal with another very painful situation, and then the initial situation on top of that simply because he was too afraid to face the pain in the first place.

I've spent a LOT of my life being Jonah, being too afraid to do anything simply because I can't predict the outcome, or I know it may not go how I want it to so I'd rather just not go at all. It's not a fun way to live life honestly. I started to conquer that mindset when I went to Shelterwood over a year ago. But now that I have been home, that mindset of fear and dreading what is to come is threatening to take over my mind once again. But I have a choice.... I can either just accept this life of fear and let that control me, and stay where I am at, and never become who God has called me to be.

Or, I can take the higher road. I can call out the fear for what it is- lies from the devil. I can ask people to pray with me. I can find exciting things to look forward to about this new season. I can spend time daily with Jesus asking him to calm my anxiety. I can look at these changes and know that God is going to use them for incredible things.

So here is my random thought of the day for you- What changes is God asking you to make in your life? They may be minor- like changing the theme of your blog. Or they may be major like moving across the country to start working with a ministry that God has consistently laid on your heart. But can I challenge you today to start accepting that change, and claiming it for God's good, instead of focusing on the fear that it may destroy you? I hope you discover one small step you can take today, even if it is just a baby step.

Thoughts on Packing From an (almost!) Hoarder

Okay. I am not really a hoarder. But, I am in the midst of packing to move. It's hard. It's annoying. It's draining. It's emotional. It's something that quite frankly? I just don't want to do. I am packing and going through everything I own. I haven't moved like this since I was 7 years old. I'm finding notes I wrote in high school, and pouring over memories both good and bad. And it's just hard.

I have a LOT of stuff. Especially books. And it's extremely difficult for me to decide to get rid of items even if I haven't used them in the past 10 years. These items hold memories that I don't want to lose if I no longer have the item. It sounds silly when I write it out. I joke sometimes that I am like a hoarder (I'm not anywhere close to that in reality!) But, I get it when I watch the TV shows and they are clearing out their houses and their loved ones just can't understand why they won't get rid of certain items. I have gifts from people that have never been used, and I deeply struggle to give them away. Part of me is scared that person will show up at my house and ask where the candle they got me 10 years ago is, cuz they don't see it out in my living room. It's ridiculous, and yet it's me.

There also is a lot of emotions with packing. It's weird to finally be moving out of my parent's house for good. At least, that's the plan. So many memories of high school, elementary school, family vacations, and so much more with every item I go to decide to pack or get rid of. Mostly good memories, a few bad ones scattered here and there. And it takes it's toll on me pretty quickly. I packed one tub last night, and that was it. Progress, but it doesn't feel like enough progress when you're moving in appx. 2 weeks. I've wished that I was a minimalist both with physical items and emotionally over the past few weeks I feel like I just have too much "stuff".

I just want to get rid of it all, tell myself I don't need any of it, and move on. But in reality? I can't. There are physical items that I do need, like clothes. Or a bed. Or even books. I need those things to stay alive. And emotions? I need those too, unfortunately. As I think about this next season, I am spending a lot of time pondering what "baggage" I actually need to take with me to the next season physically and emotionally.

I've watched over the past few years as God has talked with me about the baggage I've carried from my past. Challenging me on a frequent basis to completely let a lot of it go, or even to simply let Him carry some of it. And over the past year, I've begun to let Him. It's taken a long time, and a lot of trust, but I've finally begun dealing with some of the not so fun stuff from my past and actually letting myself feel the appropriate emotions that went with those situations. There was a lot of fear that came out as anger frequently when I was a kid that I never dealt with, and yet I am starting to do that, very very slowly. I'm watching as chains are falling, and baggage is being removed as Jesus walks with me step by step by step. And it's incredible, yet terrifying.

By 24.5 years old, most people know their "identity". They know who they are, and what they like and don't like, and who they want to become as a person. Well. I am still figuring that out, and that literally drives me insane. I am not where I pictured myself to be at this point if my life, and a lot of time it confuses and frustrates me and I take it out on everyone around me. But, slowly I am learning the concept of grace for myself, and grace for those around me, and watching it unfold is truly a blessing. And so with that, I am trusting God to take whatever baggage I need to leave behind after this season, and to give me peace, help me understand, and to help me grow from it.

So here is my random thought of the day for you... What baggage are you still carrying around that you need to let go of? Maybe it's from your childhood. Maybe high school, college, or even just your adult life. Can I encourage you today to ask God to help you begin to let it go? It wont be easy, but it will be worth it. Jesus came so that we can have life to the fullest, and you can't have life to the fullest when you are stuck in the past. Can you take that baby step today, and ask him to give you the courage to begin to let these things go? You won't regret it.