I Want to be Running When the Sand Runs Out

I heard this song for the first time in a long time today this morning while I was getting ready, and it really hit me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. I have been SO hyper focused on a few certain issues in my life right now that I have been letting a LOT of other things slip through the cracks and simply trying to convince myself that those are not my highest priority right now and I have better things to focus on. 

And yet, as I listen to these words and I realize that life is short- I have no promise of tomorrow. If today was my last day of life are the things that I am focussing on today worth it? If I live to 90 or 100 am I going to look back on how I spent my time and be satisfied? 

I've made SO many promises to myself over the years and it always starts with "Tomorrow I will..." it might be working out, eating better, doing my God time, calling to check on a friend, going to church, whatever. There are so many promises, so many things that I say " I will get to it eventually" and yet a lot of time I never do and that frustrates me. 

I love the part of the song that says "He never took the time to dance". Last night I went to the movies with one of my supervisor's Kari and saw "Inside Out". I had SO much fun I laughed and laughed for hours and I just felt soooo good. I haven't taken the time to slow down and just truly let myself relax and have FUN basically since I started working at Shelterwood. I have such a HUGE opportunity here at Shelterwood, and I have been so hyper focused on my own healing that I think I have let a lot of it slide by. I choose to journal instead of going out with friends, I go to bed instead of swimming or going to the movies. Are these things good and beneficial? Yes. But are the other things good and beneficial too? Yes. 

I don't want to look back on my life and think "Oh my word. All I did my entire life was try to take care of myself and make myself feel better about life in general." I will still be loveable if I don't work on counseling stuff everyday. I will still be loveable if I have a meltdown and yell at someone. I will still be loveable if I am cranky in the morning because I stayed up late the night before hanging out with friends. I will still be loveable if I choose to live my life instead of trying to control it. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you living this life with everything you've got? Are you enjoying a beautiful summer day, and taking the time to simply watch the clouds float on by? Are you letting yourself blast that country song as you drive down an old dirt road? Are you taking the time to talk to people that you love? Are you at least attempting to forgive someone who has hurt you? Because before you know it, this life will be over. And God has given us one chance on this earth to show His love and grace to everyone around us. I know for me this means being intentional in all of my relationships and giving myself grace to deal with things that have happened in the past. It means allowing myself to start moving on, and building relationships with people even though I live in fear constantly that people are going to hurt me in the long run. It means taking a step back and having some fun every once in a while and not "working" on things legit 24/7. It means allowing myself to listen to Country music simply because I enjoy it instead of Christian music 24/7. It means giving myself grace to truly live as God created me to live.  I hope this concept and reminder helps you as much as it has helped me today. Give yourself some grace, and enjoy this amazing day that God has created with you in mind He loves you, and the life that He has created for you may not be perfect, but it will be perfect for who God has called you to be, and that is all you really need. 

Realizing the Power of Relationships

So I am sitting at Starbucks (I know, big surprise) having some God time and making plans for our weekly game night that I am in charge of, and I realised that my 3 month mark passed 2 days ago and I didn't even notice! I sat back in my chair and thought "Holy crap! Has it seriously been 3 months?! How is time going by so fast?!" I am already 1/4th of the way done with my time at Shelterwood. I seriously cannot even believe it!

So how have I been? (Usually I have some deep thing to write about as a theme for my posts... Not feeling that today. This is simply an update. Sorry if you're disappointed. I've still learned lots of lessons, so that should still be entertaining! ;) ) The past month has been a whirlwind of crazy emotions for me.... I've been angry, crying, hurting, happy, excited, frustrated, disgusted and everything in between! I have learned SO MUCH from being here the past three months, it is blowing my mind in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, learning the most about myself and God that I ever have in my life, and am being challenged and growing every day. It's truly a beautiful and extremely unique process!

I think a good way to describe my life as a whole right now is refining through fire. I am VERY much a planner, and like to know EXACTLY what is going to happen a month before it is actually supposed to happen. At Shelterwood, this is close to impossible. We have a schedule, and we closely follow it, but at the same time we are working with troubled teens. Stuff happens. Every day. So I've gotten to a point where I have had to learn to be okay with not following a plan, and not hating myself if I don't react to a situation how I think I should. In reality? My anger has come out the past few weeks. I have a LOT of repressed anger from many things from my past, and present. It's been hard for me to manage, and a lot of times my reactions to situations have been less than stellar. But, the beautiful thing is my coworkers and my littles give SO MUCH GRACE. AH. I seriously don't understand it at all! My discipler Amy said to me Tuesday "Marissa, yes, you have been displaying a lot of anger these past few weeks. But look at how much better you are handling it then you were even 3 months ago. Look at how much more it takes for you to get to the point where you flip out. You ARE making progress. And it's okay that things get overwhelming sometimes. I think you need to experience these hard things so that you can learn how to manage them and harder situations and learn how to deal with them properly in the future." Hence refine by fire. I gotta go through the fire in order to know how to properly put it out without hurting others.

I think the other thing I've learned the most this past month is the absolute power of relationships. Holy cow. If I am being honest, I have a decent relationship 90% of the time with all of the girls in our house right now. I've spent a little time with each of them, and the paybacks are INCREDIBLE. Taking the time to slow down, and react to a situation with the mindset of that girl's past and struggles and pain, and thinking about what else might be going on instead of yelling at them makes an INCREDIBLE difference. I've developed relationships with the 'tough' girls, and the more depressed quiet ones. And they are SO much more willing to listen to me because they know they can trust me and I am trying to help. Does that always work? Absolutely not. They are still teens. They are still gonna hate me somedays. But it's moments when the tough girl of the house asks me to come to her room just so she can appologize for being rude to me earlier that make EVERY moment worth it. Its the moments when another little who has been through SO much trauma, and has been SO defiant since I got to Shelterwood says "Marissa, I had a lot of fun with you today. Thanks for everything." Or another one says "Marissa, we like you because you are real and straight with us. You are honest when you don't know why we have to do things, and you always explain to us what is going on so we don't feel like you are just trying to control us. We really like that cuz it makes us feel like you care." It just fills my heart so much. 

So I guess looking back at this month the thing I've learned the most is that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to have panic attacks, and fits of anger that I don't totally have 100% control over because it is showing these girls that I am a real person and I am not perfect. It's making them interested in this 'Jesus' that I follow because I obviously don't have my life completely together but I am happy. I obviously don't have control over my panic attacks and other things but it IS getting better slowly but surely and I only have God to thank for that because I know He is healing me day by day. 

I have been missing home quite a bit lately. I really miss my friends and my family, especially my niece and nephew. I am really really looking forward to the idea of coming home in August and seeing everyone. If you ever think of me, PLEASE drop me a note, email, text, facebook message, phone call, anything. Send pictures, Bible verses, quotes, ideas of things to read, Starbucks (okay jk, but really, it's like I live here!)  It's the support from people I love that really really motivates me to keep working hard.

I of course want to ask you to keep us in your prayers. Pray for my girls, and the trauma that many of them are working through. Pray for staff for diligence, grace, compassion, and strength emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Pray that we all get to have our one on one times with God, because we all need it desperately, its the only thing that keeps us going. And pray for me- that I would give myself grace when the panic attacks and other 'fits' of emotion come up. Pray that I would continue to find grace and unconditional love for my littles and that God would continue to grow and stretch me to new places and find new strengths in his love. 

Let's Strive For Progress, Not Perfection

Here I am at the 'bucks once again sipping a Passion Tea Lemonade.(Plot twist: I added raspberry today so it is extra good!) I made a joke to some of my coworkers that I basically live at Starbucks during my off time and one of them looks at me with a straight face and says "And what is wrong with that?!" I am slowly realizing that this is my new normal, and it's not a bad thing.

I am learning more and more what it means to take care of myself, relax, and set boundaries with my girls, and how INCREDIBLY important all of this is to ministry. Its a lot harder than it seems. I had another panic attack last night, but thankfully this one was much much much easier to get myself calm than the last 6 or so that I have had recently. I am learning how to cope and work through the episodes and it is slowly getting easier. I talked with my best friend last night and she said to me "Marissa. You are not giving yourself enough credit. You keep saying you should be working harder at managing your anxiety and what not, and yet your panic attacks are going down in severity, and you are recognizing what is triggering them and dealing with it. You would NOT have been able to do that a year ago. You are really making a lot of progress!" And it hit me, that maybe I am making progress. It's just not the progress that I'd like to see myself making but it is the progress God needs me to make. In my mind progress = perfection. Progress means no more panic attacks, no more episodes of depression, or anything of the sort.

I also talked with one of my roommates last night, and she encouraged me to just take today to rest. To stop trying so hard to "fix" myself and just be. Let myself have some fun and just enjoy life as it comes. Treat myself to some fun, and let me have a day off from trying to make progress for once. It's a strange concept, and part of me doesn't know how to do it.

You see, I am always working at something. Whether it be actual work at Shelterwood, or once I get off I am constantly working on counseling stuff, or relationship stuff, or self care stuff or other things like laundry or errands. The concept of truly resting and not doing anything? It's foreign to me. I don't know how to shut down my mind and just have fun and relax. But the beautiful thing? I am learning. VERY slowly, but I am learning. I am learning it's okay to sit at Starbucks and just enjoy my time and not feel guilty because I know half of my girls currently want me to take them on a one on one to the 'bucks. It's okay to go walk around a thrift store simply because it's something I enjoy, and I don't necessarily 'need' anything. It's okay to watch a movie, or to binge watch netflix for one afternoon. I am slowly but surely learning that it is okay for me to feel good. It is okay for me to feel good about myself and to feel good about life. I am slowly realizing that every time I let my guard down bad things are not necessarily going to happen.

I have loved loved loved listening to this song the past few weeks, I basically have had it on permanent repeat. 

"There’s got to be more than going back and forth. 

From doing right to doing wrong 

‘Cause we were taught that’s who we are 

Come on get in line right behind me 

You along with everybody 

Thinking there’s worth in what you do 

Then Like a hero who takes the stage when 

We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late 

Well let me introduce you to amazing grace 

I'm slowly realizing that even when I screw up and get embarrassed at Starbucks cuz they misunderstood what I ordered and have to correct them, and then get mad at myself cuz of my social anxiety that no matter what the cross has made me flawless. I look at the scars on my arms from past hurts and simply can't help but think "Wow. in the eyes of God I am flawless. These scars don't matter to Him. God doesn't care if my face gets red when I am embarrassed. He doesn't want to reject me when I am anxious. He wants to love me right where I am. Thats it."

So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are enough just as you are. Panic attacks, depression, anger issues and all. You are enough. And He loves you and will use you immensely JUST the way you are. So join me, and lets stop striving for perfection, and aim for progress yes?