I am learning more and more what it means to take care of myself, relax, and set boundaries with my girls, and how INCREDIBLY important all of this is to ministry. Its a lot harder than it seems. I had another panic attack last night, but thankfully this one was much much much easier to get myself calm than the last 6 or so that I have had recently. I am learning how to cope and work through the episodes and it is slowly getting easier. I talked with my best friend last night and she said to me "Marissa. You are not giving yourself enough credit. You keep saying you should be working harder at managing your anxiety and what not, and yet your panic attacks are going down in severity, and you are recognizing what is triggering them and dealing with it. You would NOT have been able to do that a year ago. You are really making a lot of progress!" And it hit me, that maybe I am making progress. It's just not the progress that I'd like to see myself making but it is the progress God needs me to make. In my mind progress = perfection. Progress means no more panic attacks, no more episodes of depression, or anything of the sort.
I also talked with one of my roommates last night, and she encouraged me to just take today to rest. To stop trying so hard to "fix" myself and just be. Let myself have some fun and just enjoy life as it comes. Treat myself to some fun, and let me have a day off from trying to make progress for once. It's a strange concept, and part of me doesn't know how to do it.
You see, I am always working at something. Whether it be actual work at Shelterwood, or once I get off I am constantly working on counseling stuff, or relationship stuff, or self care stuff or other things like laundry or errands. The concept of truly resting and not doing anything? It's foreign to me. I don't know how to shut down my mind and just have fun and relax. But the beautiful thing? I am learning. VERY slowly, but I am learning. I am learning it's okay to sit at Starbucks and just enjoy my time and not feel guilty because I know half of my girls currently want me to take them on a one on one to the 'bucks. It's okay to go walk around a thrift store simply because it's something I enjoy, and I don't necessarily 'need' anything. It's okay to watch a movie, or to binge watch netflix for one afternoon. I am slowly but surely learning that it is okay for me to feel good. It is okay for me to feel good about myself and to feel good about life. I am slowly realizing that every time I let my guard down bad things are not necessarily going to happen.
I have loved loved loved listening to this song the past few weeks, I basically have had it on permanent repeat.
"There’s got to be more than going back and forth.
From doing right to doing wrong
‘Cause we were taught that’s who we are
Come on get in line right behind me
You along with everybody
Thinking there’s worth in what you do
Then Like a hero who takes the stage when
We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late
Well let me introduce you to amazing grace
I'm slowly realizing that even when I screw up and get embarrassed at Starbucks cuz they misunderstood what I ordered and have to correct them, and then get mad at myself cuz of my social anxiety that no matter what the cross has made me flawless. I look at the scars on my arms from past hurts and simply can't help but think "Wow. in the eyes of God I am flawless. These scars don't matter to Him. God doesn't care if my face gets red when I am embarrassed. He doesn't want to reject me when I am anxious. He wants to love me right where I am. Thats it."
So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are enough just as you are. Panic attacks, depression, anger issues and all. You are enough. And He loves you and will use you immensely JUST the way you are. So join me, and lets stop striving for perfection, and aim for progress yes?
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