So how have I been? (Usually I have some deep thing to write about as a theme for my posts... Not feeling that today. This is simply an update. Sorry if you're disappointed. I've still learned lots of lessons, so that should still be entertaining! ;) ) The past month has been a whirlwind of crazy emotions for me.... I've been angry, crying, hurting, happy, excited, frustrated, disgusted and everything in between! I have learned SO MUCH from being here the past three months, it is blowing my mind in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, learning the most about myself and God that I ever have in my life, and am being challenged and growing every day. It's truly a beautiful and extremely unique process!
I think a good way to describe my life as a whole right now is refining through fire. I am VERY much a planner, and like to know EXACTLY what is going to happen a month before it is actually supposed to happen. At Shelterwood, this is close to impossible. We have a schedule, and we closely follow it, but at the same time we are working with troubled teens. Stuff happens. Every day. So I've gotten to a point where I have had to learn to be okay with not following a plan, and not hating myself if I don't react to a situation how I think I should. In reality? My anger has come out the past few weeks. I have a LOT of repressed anger from many things from my past, and present. It's been hard for me to manage, and a lot of times my reactions to situations have been less than stellar. But, the beautiful thing is my coworkers and my littles give SO MUCH GRACE. AH. I seriously don't understand it at all! My discipler Amy said to me Tuesday "Marissa, yes, you have been displaying a lot of anger these past few weeks. But look at how much better you are handling it then you were even 3 months ago. Look at how much more it takes for you to get to the point where you flip out. You ARE making progress. And it's okay that things get overwhelming sometimes. I think you need to experience these hard things so that you can learn how to manage them and harder situations and learn how to deal with them properly in the future." Hence refine by fire. I gotta go through the fire in order to know how to properly put it out without hurting others.
I think the other thing I've learned the most this past month is the absolute power of relationships. Holy cow. If I am being honest, I have a decent relationship 90% of the time with all of the girls in our house right now. I've spent a little time with each of them, and the paybacks are INCREDIBLE. Taking the time to slow down, and react to a situation with the mindset of that girl's past and struggles and pain, and thinking about what else might be going on instead of yelling at them makes an INCREDIBLE difference. I've developed relationships with the 'tough' girls, and the more depressed quiet ones. And they are SO much more willing to listen to me because they know they can trust me and I am trying to help. Does that always work? Absolutely not. They are still teens. They are still gonna hate me somedays. But it's moments when the tough girl of the house asks me to come to her room just so she can appologize for being rude to me earlier that make EVERY moment worth it. Its the moments when another little who has been through SO much trauma, and has been SO defiant since I got to Shelterwood says "Marissa, I had a lot of fun with you today. Thanks for everything." Or another one says "Marissa, we like you because you are real and straight with us. You are honest when you don't know why we have to do things, and you always explain to us what is going on so we don't feel like you are just trying to control us. We really like that cuz it makes us feel like you care." It just fills my heart so much.
So I guess looking back at this month the thing I've learned the most is that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to have panic attacks, and fits of anger that I don't totally have 100% control over because it is showing these girls that I am a real person and I am not perfect. It's making them interested in this 'Jesus' that I follow because I obviously don't have my life completely together but I am happy. I obviously don't have control over my panic attacks and other things but it IS getting better slowly but surely and I only have God to thank for that because I know He is healing me day by day.
I have been missing home quite a bit lately. I really miss my friends and my family, especially my niece and nephew. I am really really looking forward to the idea of coming home in August and seeing everyone. If you ever think of me, PLEASE drop me a note, email, text, facebook message, phone call, anything. Send pictures, Bible verses, quotes, ideas of things to read, Starbucks (okay jk, but really, it's like I live here!) It's the support from people I love that really really motivates me to keep working hard.
I of course want to ask you to keep us in your prayers. Pray for my girls, and the trauma that many of them are working through. Pray for staff for diligence, grace, compassion, and strength emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Pray that we all get to have our one on one times with God, because we all need it desperately, its the only thing that keeps us going. And pray for me- that I would give myself grace when the panic attacks and other 'fits' of emotion come up. Pray that I would continue to find grace and unconditional love for my littles and that God would continue to grow and stretch me to new places and find new strengths in his love.
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