It's hard for me to believe that I am 1/3 of the way done with my time at Shelterwood. I feel like it was just yesterday I was walking through the doors only to have the alarm start blasting in my face. Good memories ;) August is already right around the corner, and a new school year looms ahead of us. Granted, the girls have been taking summer classes but it will still be nice to get back to their true "normal" routine. I am really looking forward to coming home for a week in August, so at this time next month I might be writing my update from home! Yay! :D
What is there to say? God is teaching me so much about myself, it is truly incredible. Painful, but incredible. I have learned so much about relationships, about self control, about how to be the 'adult' in situations, and how to truly rely on God for everything. I feel like my theme for this past month has been "This too shall pass." A few months ago when my panic attacks were out of control I thought there was never going to come again a day where I could get through it without a panic attack. Now? I might have one a week. If that. Then, I entered a season of intense anger. Nothing worked to calm me down, I was escalated for days, I felt as if I couldn't control my rage, and I would never be calm again. Now? I still get angry, and I have a lotttt of repressed anger from my past that I need to properly deal with. But am I having temper tantrums every day? Nope. This too shall pass.
Where am I at now? I am not sure what words to use to describe it. August is going to bring a TON of change to the Girls house, both in new staff and new littles, and it's been a hard, hard transition so far for all of us. I was talking to one of my mentor's Kari the other day and she asked why I was upset and threatening to shut down emotionally. My response "Because after August my life here is going to suck! Everyone I love is leaving me!" Her response? "Marissa. Before you came here you didn't know any of these people. You could've chosen to shut down then out of fear. But you didn't. And look at all the awesome relationships you've built! You're gonna have the same opportunity to do that again with all these new people that are coming in! It's gonna be okay." And again I realized, this too shall pass.
This season of intense change, sadness, and turmoil will come to pass. I will make new friends with the new August bigs, and new house staff and littles. There will come a day when I am writing another monthly update and think "Wow. August was a hard month. But we made it, and look how far we've come!"
God's doing a lot in my heart, and in our house. His work is evident, and Satan is trying so hard to shut it all down. But I trust and have faith that God's will will come to pass and that even in this season that feels impossible He will still reign sovereign. Please, please pray for myself and the littles and other staff. I know I ask this with every update but we need your prayers and support more than you can imagine. God is doing incredible things here at the 'wood. And I am blessed to be a part of it!
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Friday, July 10, 2015
Living a Life of Love
Wow what a week! I just finished unpacking and cleaning after a whirl whind of a week at camp. I am still trying to process everything that happened in my heart over the past few days of relaxation. The thought that keeps pouring through my head? "Wow. I just love my job. I love these girls." I can't really comprehend or understand the unconditional love that God has given me for these girls. I've been screamed at, had things thrown at me, spit at, cussed at, cried on, been made to cry myself, and so many other things, and yet I would do absolutely anything to protect these girls. It doesn't matter how much they cuss at me, I know deep down they are truly hurting and hurt people hurt people. It's really that simple. And so I cant help but want to shower them in love because I know the pain they face everyday is just too real, and they dont really understand how to process how they feel.
I felt more like a parent over the past few weeks than anything else, especially at camp where there were other staff to help us take care of the girls which is something that we are not used to. At first when my girls would go to one of the camp counselors to talk instead of us I would get all mama bear protective and somewhat jealous, thinking "HEY. These are MY girls. You better not hurt them!" And yet, as I began to simmer down and watch my girls interact with these counselors, my heart just melted and I was so proud of them. I was so proud of them for facing SO many fears and sharing their stories and being vulnerable with people who they didn't know very well, but that they knew they could trust. I was proud of them for trying new things, and hanging out with new people. I was proud of them for going outside of their comfort zones and normal routines, and for the most part being excited about what was going on.
I got a chance to sit down and talk with a few of the counselors who wanted to hear more about Shelterwood. We talked for about 30 min, and I just gushed and raved about my job. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I talked with them about how hard this job is, but how incredibly God centered and rewarding this process of being a big is. I couldn't help but talk about how incredibly proud I am of each and every one of my residents, and the really really hard work they do every day. One of the counselors said to us "Wow. You literally get to be the hands and feet of Jesus to these girls every single day, and learn how to truly show unconditional love. How incredible is that?!" And I was like "YEAH! How incredible is that?!"
I also had time to face many, many of my own fears this week. I had some hard conversations with people that needed to happen but were very healing in the process. And I came to a startling realization that I have desperately needed to have for months: This team has got my back. I can count on and trust my co-workers. I learned this lesson through many different events this week, but there is one in specific that sticks out in my mind: One of my girls wanted to go on this giant swing, where basically you are strapped to a giant rope/chord thing and jump off a platform like 40 feet in the air. If you know me at all, I am DEATHLY afraid of heights. Like kicking and screaming dont make me go in a high building or in an elevator afraid of heights. But for some BEYOND crazy idea I decided that I would go with her because she wanted me to, and I wanted to try and conquer my fear of heights once and for all. She promised me it wasn't that scary, she had done it like 6 times, and she would jump off for us, I just had to get up there. Well, we got up there and SHE started freaking out and wanted to go back down. Suddenly I had to take charge and help her conquer the fear she was facing and so I made sure we jumped. Seriously- I think that was the SCARIEST 2 min of my life. It may have not even been that long. I seriously thought I was going to die. I was screaming and screaming and I got off and was shaking soooo badly I couldn't even stand up straight. Some people saw me and were like "See?! That wasn't so bad, you're shaking, but you had fun right?!" I couldn't even respond. My throat felt like it was closing up and I was panicking. I started walking away and two of my coworkers saw me and immediately said "What do you need, and where do you want to go?" They knew. They knew before the words could come out of my mouth that I was having a panic attack. They instinctively started taking me away from people and ran to grab my water bottle before I could even get the words out of my mouth that that's what I needed. They sat me down and just hugged me in the downpouring rain while I cried and cried. It was a moment that I am not sure I will ever forget. I finally realized that these people are safe, I can trust them with my heart. I am safe here at Shelterwood. And while I know that people are still going to hurt me, they've got my back and they aren't going anywhere. I am finally willing to let go a little bit and start building true, honest, vulnerable relationships with my co-workers, and thats something I have been praying about since I got here!
I went into this week defeated, frustrated, beyond angry, drained, probably burned out and just tired. I was mad at God and questioning once again why he brought me to this place where it feels like all I ever do is mess things up. And yet, he showed me SO MUCH beauty through the broken pieces of not only my life but the littles. Watching these girls go up for prayer, and realizing that they are slowly coming to know Christ, was incredible. Watching my co-workers be vulnerable with each other and the littles? Incredible. Seeing Jesus show glory and healing me through a panic attack? Incredible. So in reality, my day to day life at Shelterwood hasn't changed. Yes, we are back from camp and heading back towards the normal routine. But my perspective has changed, and that has made, and will continue to make all the difference. I am slowly realizing that living a life of perfection is not nearly as fulfilling as living a life of love and screwing up every once in a while. Because in reality, the messy, broken pieces make everything a lot more beautiful in the long run. God's love is truly beginning to overwhelm my heart, and it is honestly the most beautiful, incredible thing I have ever had the privelege of experiencing.
I felt more like a parent over the past few weeks than anything else, especially at camp where there were other staff to help us take care of the girls which is something that we are not used to. At first when my girls would go to one of the camp counselors to talk instead of us I would get all mama bear protective and somewhat jealous, thinking "HEY. These are MY girls. You better not hurt them!" And yet, as I began to simmer down and watch my girls interact with these counselors, my heart just melted and I was so proud of them. I was so proud of them for facing SO many fears and sharing their stories and being vulnerable with people who they didn't know very well, but that they knew they could trust. I was proud of them for trying new things, and hanging out with new people. I was proud of them for going outside of their comfort zones and normal routines, and for the most part being excited about what was going on.
I got a chance to sit down and talk with a few of the counselors who wanted to hear more about Shelterwood. We talked for about 30 min, and I just gushed and raved about my job. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I talked with them about how hard this job is, but how incredibly God centered and rewarding this process of being a big is. I couldn't help but talk about how incredibly proud I am of each and every one of my residents, and the really really hard work they do every day. One of the counselors said to us "Wow. You literally get to be the hands and feet of Jesus to these girls every single day, and learn how to truly show unconditional love. How incredible is that?!" And I was like "YEAH! How incredible is that?!"
I also had time to face many, many of my own fears this week. I had some hard conversations with people that needed to happen but were very healing in the process. And I came to a startling realization that I have desperately needed to have for months: This team has got my back. I can count on and trust my co-workers. I learned this lesson through many different events this week, but there is one in specific that sticks out in my mind: One of my girls wanted to go on this giant swing, where basically you are strapped to a giant rope/chord thing and jump off a platform like 40 feet in the air. If you know me at all, I am DEATHLY afraid of heights. Like kicking and screaming dont make me go in a high building or in an elevator afraid of heights. But for some BEYOND crazy idea I decided that I would go with her because she wanted me to, and I wanted to try and conquer my fear of heights once and for all. She promised me it wasn't that scary, she had done it like 6 times, and she would jump off for us, I just had to get up there. Well, we got up there and SHE started freaking out and wanted to go back down. Suddenly I had to take charge and help her conquer the fear she was facing and so I made sure we jumped. Seriously- I think that was the SCARIEST 2 min of my life. It may have not even been that long. I seriously thought I was going to die. I was screaming and screaming and I got off and was shaking soooo badly I couldn't even stand up straight. Some people saw me and were like "See?! That wasn't so bad, you're shaking, but you had fun right?!" I couldn't even respond. My throat felt like it was closing up and I was panicking. I started walking away and two of my coworkers saw me and immediately said "What do you need, and where do you want to go?" They knew. They knew before the words could come out of my mouth that I was having a panic attack. They instinctively started taking me away from people and ran to grab my water bottle before I could even get the words out of my mouth that that's what I needed. They sat me down and just hugged me in the downpouring rain while I cried and cried. It was a moment that I am not sure I will ever forget. I finally realized that these people are safe, I can trust them with my heart. I am safe here at Shelterwood. And while I know that people are still going to hurt me, they've got my back and they aren't going anywhere. I am finally willing to let go a little bit and start building true, honest, vulnerable relationships with my co-workers, and thats something I have been praying about since I got here!
I went into this week defeated, frustrated, beyond angry, drained, probably burned out and just tired. I was mad at God and questioning once again why he brought me to this place where it feels like all I ever do is mess things up. And yet, he showed me SO MUCH beauty through the broken pieces of not only my life but the littles. Watching these girls go up for prayer, and realizing that they are slowly coming to know Christ, was incredible. Watching my co-workers be vulnerable with each other and the littles? Incredible. Seeing Jesus show glory and healing me through a panic attack? Incredible. So in reality, my day to day life at Shelterwood hasn't changed. Yes, we are back from camp and heading back towards the normal routine. But my perspective has changed, and that has made, and will continue to make all the difference. I am slowly realizing that living a life of perfection is not nearly as fulfilling as living a life of love and screwing up every once in a while. Because in reality, the messy, broken pieces make everything a lot more beautiful in the long run. God's love is truly beginning to overwhelm my heart, and it is honestly the most beautiful, incredible thing I have ever had the privelege of experiencing.
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