Grace wins in the end.
I feel like that is the summary for this month. I was having yet another bad panic attack the other day and talking about what triggered it with my co-worker Bailey afterwards. I talked to her about how hard it is for me not to perform and feel like I have to be perfect in other to be loved. I have this mindset that as long as I have panic attacks, I am no good to my team and I am not loveable, and should just give up and go home already. But slowly I am learning that this is not true. As I battled a few panic attacks this week I noticed a change in my mindset- instead of repeating what a screw up I was and how mad at myself that I was because I was having yet another panic attack, I found myself whispering to myself "God still loves you. He's still using you even though its hard right now. Your team still loves you even though its hard right now. It's gonna be okay Marissa, It's gonna be okay." After my last panic attack and talking with Bailey I told her that I feel like God is calling me to stay at Shelterwood even through this very intense trial so that I can learn what His grace truly looks like and learn that I deserve to be loved no matter what the circumstance. She said to me "Marissa, you are so so loveable. So loveable. His grace is enough, and our grace will supplement that." In short what does this mean?! PROGRESS! Yes, I am still having panic attacks. But I went for a few months without having almost any at all and I am confident the numbers will go down again soon. My mindset is changing, and thats all I could ever ask for. In the words of my loveable mentor Kari as I talked with her last week; I've also been throwing a lot of temper tantrums. I've been angry, upset and anxious because so many people that I have grown to love are leaving one after another. A lot of them have been panic attacks, but a lot have been temper tantrums as well. I have been taking out every ounce of my emotion out on everyone around me, and its gotta stop. I've gotta realize that I belong to Jesus, and every moment is part of His plan and it's gonna be okay. I came here five months ago not knowing a soul, and in that short time these people have changed my life and I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see how God works in these next 7 months and helps me build even more relationships.
I am not ready to give into this battle yet, I have to keep fighting. I re-read a post I wrote a few months ago about wearing spiritual armor. I most definitely haven't been wearing my armor. I haven't worn my helmet, and I haven't held up my shield to extinguish the arrows of the devil. Kari has told me so many times that my biggest problem right now is really really simple: fear. I am terrified of what is to come in the future, and terrified to face my past. These inner demons are wreaking havoc on my life and I am tired of it, but I absolutely refuse to give up. Its time to put on the armor and start fighting back.
The easy thing to do would be to go home. To give up on this job that God has called me to and to do the easy thing and get a "real" job and forget that I ever came here to change my life. But I absolutely refuse to do that. The changes I am seeing in myself and in my girls is incredible, mind blowing, and humbling. I love my job. I love my job more than any describable words can say. I love my coworkers and the lessons I am learning each and every day. My relationships with my girls are getting stronger every day and my relationship with God is becoming more real everyday. I have to simply keep reminding myself that Grace will win in the end. I would appreciate prayers as I navigate some changes that are happening, and as I seek God more and more. God is doing great things at the 'wood and I am thrilled to be apart of it! :)
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