It's Okay to Not Be Okay, This is a Safe Place

This song. I've been trying for a good week now to put into words where I am at emotionally right now, and have been unable to find any to really put into words how I feel. I have been ALL over the place over the past few weeks. There is a lot of transition taking place at Shelterwood right now- it's the time of year when contracts end, and new staff start filtering in to start their contracts. And it's a whole heck of a lot harder than I ever imagined that could be. Don't get me wrong- I am SUPER excited to meet the new staff. It is going to bring a wave of freshness, new, and excitement and passion to our house that is definitely needed. But at the same time? I am sad. I am sad because I am JUST starting to take down my walls of protection with people here. I am just starting to let them in and see the real me for all that its worth, and now they are leaving. And that is hard for me to deal with. I've always struggled with relationships and change, but Shelterwood takes it to a whole new level. The struggle is real my friends.

The anxiety has been unmanageable and bearing it's ugly head a lot the past few weeks. Lots of panic attacks and tears. It's frustrating, but I've gotten to a point where I don't fight it anymore, I just ride out the storm. During a panic attack, I often hold my breath (not on purpose!) and it feels like I am choking to death. (Probs one of the worst feelings you could ever experience.) I heard this song for the first time today, and I loved the part that says "Just let go let His love wrap around you and hold you close. Get lost in the surrender, breathe it in until your heart breaks. Then exhale." I thought of my panic attacks, and the moment when I am calm enough to start inhaling and exhaling normally. It's like sweet relief that pours over me. Often times I will start crying if I am not already simply cuz it feels SO GOOD to just be breathing normally again. And I love that image- of breathing in His love until my cold heart breaks, and I can exhale all the pain.

I've been SO frustrated with where I am at currently, personally. I am told by staff/co-workers and even the littles that I am doing a great job but often times it doesnt feel like it. It never feels like enough. I am constantly asking myself- "What do I need to be doing to better?" I've told myself SO MANY TIMES that I am okay, and I am loveable just the way I am. I don't need to perform in order to be loved, and yet my stubborn mindset stays the same. It's so hard, when I desperately want to change my thinking patterns and behaviors but I simply feel so so so stuck.

I loved the part of the song that says "There is still hope here." I would be lying if I said I haven't had the "I've thrown in the towel" attitude about Shelterwood recently. And realistically, it's not Shelterwoods fault. It's the attitude I am choosing to take on about the changes. I am angry about all the transition, and taking that out on EVERYONE in my life. And as I was sitting in my car and heard the words whispered "There is still hope here." it was like my mind stopped realing for a second and said "What am I missing? How I can see the hope here?" My best friend said the same thing to me tonight- "Marissa, there is still hope for all of this. You are in a REALLY rough season, but there is always hope." I love that. I know there is still hope. I just gotta find it.

I tend to isolate when I am struggling. I stop talking to those I need most- God, my friends, my therapist, mentors, co-workers, family, disciplers, everyone. I pull away and try to fix it all by myself. And for a really long time (think 23 years) it worked. It worked well. Because I was fully convinced that I could not trust anyone fully, ever because they would hurt me and abandon me emotionally if not even physically leave me. But for the first time in my life? It's no longer working. Pulling away is not fixing my problems, and its left me dumbfounded and quite frankly trying to figure out what to do now. And today when I heard this song I realised:

It's okay to not be okay

This is a safe place.

What do I need to do? In a way, nothing. But, I do need to LET Love wrap around me, and stop trying so hard to be loveable and just be loved. Especially God's love. I need to stop fighting it, and let the spirit tear down the walls that only He can, and reconcile my heart to His, and finally exhale all this pain I've kept bottled up as long as I can remember. And the beautiful thing? Shelterwood is a safe place. It really freaks me out how safe it is. What other place do you work with over 20 people who you'd trust with your life who know how to walk someone through panic attacks, moments of intense deep pain, flashbacks, fits of anger and depression and lead you all back to God? I am not sure very many other places exist like that. How many places exist where your co-workers know where your coping kit is and go to grab it as soon as you start having a panic attack? It's mindblowing. And it TOTALLY freaks me out that I work at a place that meets me where I am at with such grace and love and wants to help me overcome all of it. Through Jesus. And show me who he actually is. Wow. 

So if I am being honest? I am struggling. Questioning who I am vs. who I want to be and if I actually want to do the work to get there. Part of me really doesnt want to do that work obviously and it frustrates me. I could use prayer to help me build relationships, and to build further trust with my co-workers. I could use prayer to help myself not isolate and try to fix all my problems by myself. I could use prayer to trust myself, and trust that I am strong enough to work through my past pain. I could use prayer to keep focusing on God, and learning about His love for me. Basically, I could use prayer. Please don't get me wrong- I am still VERY happy. I know this is exactly where I need to be, it's exactly where God has called me to be. I am just at a crossroad, and it is decision time. So thank you in advance for your prayers, I appreciate it more than you know! I hope this way of processing for me has given you a glimpse of my life and where I am at, and brings you the hope of Jesus because He is truly working wonders even if I struggle with how he is chooisng to work.