I just finished day two of working at Concordia once again. If you had told me a year ago that at this time next year I'd be back living at home and working at Concordia doing maintenance, I would have told you you were BEYOND crazy because I would never let that happen! I was getting a real job! But in reality? Here we are. And surprisingly, I am okay with it.
You see, at first I was horribly embarrassed to be home, working a job like maintenance barely able to sleep, eat and function like a normal person sometimes. I was so anxious about going to work my first day... All I could think was "What will my profs think?! What will my mentors think?! What will students I know think?! Everyone is going to be SO disappointed in me!" But in reality? It went TOTALLY fine! I was greeted with excitement, compassion, warm hugs and prayers. I quickly realized? This is okay. This season is okay. I am okay. No, the situation is far from ideal. But after talking with my former profs and mentors it became more and more clear to me that this is EXACTLY where God needs me right now, and I am more loved by my Concordia family than I have ever realized.
As I have worked the past two days, realizing quite quickly that the physical task of cleaning is exactly what my mind and body need right now to keep healing and moving forward, I have had a thought run through my head:
"I wish someone would have told me that I didn't have to have my life completely figured out right after college."
I wish someone would have told me I might not land my "dream job" as soon as I crossed the stage.
I wish someone would have told me that life after college might be a rollercoaster, and not a smooth ride.
I wish someone would have told me that it is completely okay and acceptable to work jobs like maintenance or food service just to make a living even if you have a college degree.
I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be to no longer be living with my best friends and have them available to me 24/7.
I wish someone would have told me that I might still be trying to figure out how to be an adult at 23.
I wish someone would have told me that I would probably still be working through personal stuff at 23.
I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to work at a job because I love it even if it doesn't make me a lot of money.
I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to get overwhelmed, and that they'd be there to walk me through it.
I wish someone would have told me just how hard, but incredibly exciting this whole experience would be.
I caught a glimpse of some of these ideas right after I graduated. In one of my sessions my therapist said to me "Marissa, transitioning out of college was the hardest thing I've ever done and experienced other than childbirth, especially if you have no one to guide you and walk you through it and most people don't." At the time, I thought she was crazy. Boy was I so so wrong!
College is like the honeymoon phase of life. You get this great idea of what you want to do with your life, and you are given a bunch of tools to make that a reality. And in reality? You will!.... Eventually. It's not an overnight process for most. And for some it is, and they land their dream job right off the bat and it all appears great. But in reality? Being an adult is still hard even while it is super super exciting. And I am finally realizing that it is okay to simply just stop and breathe. It's okay for me to take a season to take care of myself. It's okay for me to sit down and think through what steps I want to take next. It's okay for me to be working maintenance indefinitely. Because in reality? My life is just getting started. And I would rather take the time now while I am reasonably young to really take care of myself and set myself up for success in the future. I hope this is an encouragement for those soon to be graduating or who have just graduated. I hope it helps you realize that you dont have to have your life all together when you walk across that stage. I hope for those who are way past graduating this encourages you to encourage someone in my age range. Take them out for coffee. Buy them a tank of gas. Take them out to the movies. Encourage them. Love on them. Chances are they probably need it and will appreciate it!
Well here we are. Another month gone, and here I sit at Starbucks. Again. ;) Technically my 7 months isn't till tomorrow, but as this has been a beyond crazy and not typical month I think it's perfectly acceptable to post a day early.
As many of you know, but many do not-I'm in Michigan, not Missouri. I'm home. I've struggled with what exactly to write in this update, only knowing that it still needed to happen, even if it hurts my heart to write it. I know that this part of sharing is part of my grieving process, and I need to do it in order to start healing.
This blog is not the place for my dirty laundry- I am not here to bash myself or Shelterwood. Personally I love them both for their good qualities. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes that that talks about how there is a time for everything under the sun, dancing and mourning. When I first made the decision a few months ago to most likely end my time with Shelterwood, I was confused and angry at myself and at God. I was angry that God would lead me to a place only to have me leave a short 6.5 months later. And yet in my heart it was clear- God had fulfilled his purpose for me at Shelterwood and it was time to go. And I fought that for a good long time. Well over a month. I sat and argued with God, and my co-workers as I sank farther and farther into a pit of knowing that I was trying to make myself fit in a place where I no longer belonged, but I desperately wanted to belong more than anything in the world. And yet, as hard as I fought I just couldn't make it work. And in a lot of ways that crushed me, but in a lot of other ways it empowered me.
I made the decision to leave Shelterwood, and while it did not go how I planned at all, I know God still had a hand in it. Nothing that happened to me while I worked there was out of his control or his hand. Other than deciding to quit Child Life, this is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I miss my girls more than any words can say. I miss doing life changing work. I miss pouring into peoples lives every moment of every day. But in reality? There is a reason I left. I left because I had to take care of myself and working at Shelterwood made it difficult for me to do that. I left to take care of myself and my health, because what kind of example would I be to my girls if I was teaching them self care and boundaries, yet I had no self care or boundaries for myself? I have to keep telling myself that the best thing for them, and the best thing for myself and everyone else in my life was to leave, come home and heal.
That doesn't mean I am not heartbroken. I've only been home a little over a week, and it feels like its been an eternity. I wonder everyday if I made the right decisions? If I handled things the right way? If If I could have done something better, to make it easier? But in reality I know- that everything happened exactly how it was supposed to even if it was horrible. This past week has shown me the true value of who actually matters in my life and is a true support for me, and who was just along for the ride to see what they could gain by being my "friend".
I don't walk away from Shelterwood feeling like a failure, although some felt that I was because I did not finish my "year". I got home and felt that I had to immediately convince the world that I am not a failure! I had to give it one last fight, and show the world that my life is filled with purpose, and I will not let anyone label me like that! I was angry and bitter and hurt, and I would be lying if I said those seeds are not still present. In reality, I've had to pick myself up off the floor in defeat MANY times since I've been home and realized that I have nothing to prove to anyone. It's a journey. And journeys have up and downs. And while I am definitely in the "down" part of the journey right now, my heart can still say this: I walk away from Shelterwood my life being changed. I walk away knowing more about myself, and my past, and what needs to change for my future. I walk away with some incredible relationships that I know will be life long friends, and girls that have touched my heart in a way I cannot describe and I miss more than anything on earth. I may not be able to be a daily part of their life, but I can pray for them. I can love them from afar. I walk away knowing that I am not the same. I walk away with a real relationship with God, that is based on love and his forgiveness and mercy and grace instead of fear. And I can't ask for anything more than that.
I came to Shelterwood completely broken. I was depressed, and my life was a mess. I had NO idea what God wanted me to do with my life, and I was desperate for something to change. I got to the wood, and I met some of these incredible humans:
The August Bigs. Wow. You are an incredible group. You each challenged me and encouraged me in a way that is hard to put into words. While sometimes it was sitting praying with me, and talking to Jesus, other times it was one of you knowing I was going to have a panic attack and getting me ice cubes before the words could leave my mouth. You all challenged me to be exactly who God created me to be. You told me when I did things right, and called me out when I did things wrong and showed me a better way to do them. You encouraged me to stay at Shelterwood, and cried with me when I started talking about leaving. From deep conversations, movie nights, and climbing the rafters on nightwatch, Thank you. Thank you for showing me the love of Christ in such real, incredible inspiring ways and showing me what it means to be a real, true servant of Christ.
My Roommates (Plus Kathy who wasn't present for the picture) Wow. Elise, my Facebookless friend who will never see this ;) Thank you. Thank you for encouraging me from the moment I got to Shelterwood. Before we even met, you were such an encouragement to me. You never ever ever judged me, even when I was in an angry rage and upset you simply loved. You simply brought it all back to Jesus. I love your quiet spirit, and your gentle encouragement. I loved our deep nightwatch talks, and rotating naps, and laughs about your weird drinks. I miss movie nights, and junk food and trips to thrift stores, and simply talking about how incredible Jesus is. Emily, while I only knew you a short time before I left, Thank you. Thank you for always being a sounding board for me, and encouraging me no matter what the cost. Thank you for checking in on me after I'd left and simply being a caring, loving person. The love of Jesus is SO evident in you, you are going to do incredible things for the kingdom! I miss you so much my sweet friends. Thank you for being a part of my journey through the wood.
These ladies. These ladies held the girl's house down like CHAMPS! Kari, Lisa, Clara, Renee- you all have such an incredible way of meeting people right where they are at. You all have your things that you especially enjoy, and God seems to lead people to you who need exactly where you've been, or what you enjoy. Like Clara and her cats, or Kari and baseball or Lisa and deep conversations or Renee and biking. You find the thing in people that makes them "them" and inspires them and you run with it. You radiate Jesus. I've had hard conversations about many things with all of you, and it always blew my mind how you found the strength to keep pressing on, and to keep loving our girls. Thank you for challenging all of us, and pushing us to grow, and to take care of ourselves at all costs. I will remember the many life lessons I caught while watching you all do life and ministry with each other, with us on staff, and with our girls, and use them for the rest of my life. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a Godly leader, and how to truly disciple those younger than me.
These people BLEW. MY. MIND. And this isn't even all of them! The way they showed love and compassion, and grace was unfathomable. I did not understand it AT ALL. I was SO curious! I was like how on earth do they do this?! Where does this "love" come from?! How do they know how to do this? How can I learn?! And I very very soon realized- it had NOTHING to do with them. At all. It was all about Jesus. And that frustrated me.
I spent a long time questioning why these people had joy in their faith and I simply didn't. I asked a lot of questions, brought up a lot of insecurities, and tried to understand a lot. And God worked in that in an incredible way. He made himself real to me, and is continuing to do so. By coming to Shelterwood, I found God. The real God, the Father that I have run from and despised for so long. In reality? I'm still finding Him. I've got a LOT of things that the world has made me believe about faith that are far from true. But, I've realized there is NO way I am coming out of Shelterwood a failure, because I am finally finding Jesus, and what more could be a success story?!
This song is my Shelterwood theme song as I call it, because it is exactly the journey God has taken me on these past 6 months and is continuing to take me on now. Enjoy :)
So here is my random thoughts of the day for you: I am still broken. I am hurting a lot right now. If you see me, be gentle. My emotions are sporadic, and sometimes I cry about random things. But, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am right where God needs me for this next step of my journey, as painful as it may be I am home for a season of healing, and learning, and I am content. God is revealing himself more and more to me and I couldn't ask for anything else. I would appreciate your prayers, grace, and encouragements. Thank you all for your support and love on this journey. I am still planning on posting monthly updates, I think the 16th will forever stand out in my memory, and is a nice reminder for me to slow down and think about what God is teaching me.
