Here we areeee! 11 months, almost 12 months at this point. But, I HAD to wait to do this update simply because how God moved and worked this month is beyond mind blowing, and the main part of this miracle didn't occur till this weekend, and just finished a few hours ago. And, it's still February technically cuz of leap year, so month 12 doesn't begin till tomorrow ;) Also, the fireworks fit perfectly for this month because I have spent almost alllll of February rejoicing and celebrating whether it was for my birthday, or for God accomplishing things that I never even considered possible!!
So HERE WE GO. What was the big surprise of this month?! I went back y'all. I went back to the wood! I never ever ever thought that I would end up going back to Shelterwood for many, many reasons. The main one? It was too painful. I miss my girls more than anything on the face of planet earth and I would give up anything and everything to be able to spend all day everyday with them again. But with where I am at personally, that is just not possible. So it hurts to think about them, pray for them, and love them from afar, but I have always known that if it was meant to be, God would bring us back together if not on earth than one day in heaven. I never even considered asking to go back, as I wasn't sure I could handle it, and I wasn't sure that Shelterwood would allow me to return due to the fact that when I left things didn't go exactly as we planned and it was a little rocky on both ends.
But then, I got the phone call that changed everything. One of my favorite littles got level 5 and was going home soon. And the thought ran across my mind "If I ever want to see her again, I need to go to Shelterwood and face my fears. Now."
So thats what I did. After much crying, processing, and freaking out with my counselor and friends, I decided to ask Shelterwood if I could make a quick surprise trip to visit my girls. Holy guacamole people. Was I terrified? Absolutely beyond belief. But I knew I needed to do this for myself, and for the girls, and for Shelterwood as a whole.
The day came, and I talked to my old house director. This in itself showed the beautiful restoration power that God has, as I had a wonderful, healing conversation with my director. We both apologized for things in the past, and agreed that we wanted to try and restore things as much as we could for the future and end on better terms. God has blown my mind with this idea this month people. I have been able to have really hard conversations with a lot of people in my life, and God has begun restoring these broken relationships in ways I could not even comprehend.
The week leading up to my trip I was a hot mess. Crying, anxious, terrified that my girls were going to hate me, and SO many other lies were pouring through my head. I balled my eyes out on my first flight as it became real that I was actually going to KC, and I was actually going to Shelterwood. I kept thinking "God, why are you asking me to do this thing that makes me so afraid?! I don't want to face my fear!" And yet in my heart, I knew it was what I needed to do. Everything lined up perfectly- it was a total miracle from God. Financially, I could not afford this trip but out of nowhere my dad found out he had Delta frequent flier miles, and suddenly a VERY expensive flight was free. My mentor Kari who now lives in Omaha, just so happened to be in KC this past weekend. My discipleship coordinator Amy, who I didn't get to say goodbye to before I left, happened to be free this weekend. If these aren't miracle straight from God showing me the door was open and I needed to go, I don't know what else would be.
The day came, and it was simply beautiful. The girls were SO surprised to see me, and many of them ran over and almost tackled me in a hug. I got to talk to the girls that I was close to for a few hours, and it just helped my heart get the closure that I needed in soooooo many ways. I got to talk to people about how I've been since leaving, and get some closure in realizing that the girls never ever ever hated me for leaving. Was it hard? Absolutely. But they understood and showed me unconditional love, compassion and grace and it was the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me.
So now I am home, and if we are being honest it's hard to be back. I skyped with the girls this morning so I could watch a little's graduation, and I couldn't help but start to cry as she was handed her certificate. My heart wants to be there still, even after being at home for almost 5 months, and slowly healing. I still miss Missouri, and I wish I could go back. But in reality, I know that I can't, and I am totally at peace with that decision for the first time since I left even though my heart still wishes it could be different.
I sit here, and I think back on who I was 11 months ago.... I was horribly depressed, broken, and ashamed of who I was as a person, and ashamed of my story. I was scared of the world, and convinced that nothing good was ever truly going to happen to me, and convinced that I would never actually heal from my past. But who am I today? I am confident in who God has created me to be. I am excited for my future, and love learning more about myself and who God created me to be each and every day. My depression is gone other than rare flare ups. My anxiety is almost gone other than flare ups. I have conquered random health issues that have bothered me for years, and am finally working two steady jobs and saving for an apartment. My counselor said last week I am doing the best right now that she has ever seen me be, and she's been seeing me since I was a freshman in college. That right there is incredible people.
For months I have beat myself up thinking everyone at Shelterwood hated me for leaving. I thought they'd never talk to me again, and my girls would be convinced I abandoned them. I have cried and cried feeling soooo guilty for putting myself first, and putting my girls and co-workers second by coming home. I've felt like a failure who has no business working with kids ever again. And yet, this month has shown me that that was the best decision I have ever made even though it was the most painful decision I have ever made. I've gotten a glimpse this month of the inspiring, incredible, life changing, restorative power of God. He's showing me moment by moment how HE is restoring my heart, my life, my body, and I am just so thankful I cannot put it into words.
As many know, the song "Good Good Father" is my Shelterwood song. It perfectly described the lessons I learned about God while I was at the wood. I heard this version while I was driving through Missouri this weekend, and I burst into tears. It is a more upbeat, peppier version of the song and I feel like it shows the change in me since I started at Shelterwood till now. I have become more free, happy, joyful, and as my old roommate described me "radiating light". I hope you enjoy this version as much as I do now!!
I no longer see myself as a failure. No, I did not graduate from Shelterwood. I did not complete my year. But God has completely ROCKED my world this year and revealed the amazing incredible person he has planned for me to be all along. And so while Shelterwood did bring up a lot of pain in my life, and things did not go how I planned for them to at all, it has also brought in the most incredible, life changing, life altering healing I could ever experience. And I thank God more than I can express for that. I can finally say I am not bitter and angry anymore. I still have some grieving to do, but this month brought more healing and change than I could have ever asked for or imagined, and I cant wait for the grand finale in month 12.
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