(Disclaimer: I am SO sorry if this is all over the place. I am just really happy and my brain often goes faster than my fingers can type. My sincerest apologies! :) )
Eight months. WOW! It seriously feels like just yesterday I was walking through the doors of Shelterwood, and yet here I sit at my favorite spot- Washtenaw Ave Starbucks in good ol' Michigan. And yet, I am AMAZED and THRILLED to be here. I couldn't say that a month ago. A month ago? I was bitter, angry, hurting and truly not okay in any sense of the word. But seriously, watching God transform my life this past month has been unbelievable! I am truly the happiest and most alive that I have ever been in my life. Do I still get anxious? Absolutely. Do I still struggle with depression occasionally? Absolutely. And yes, I am still only working part time and living with my parents. But you wanna know what changed? I stopped fighting it, and I stopped hating myself for where I was at in life.
I walked out of Shelterwood feeling like the biggest piece of crap EVER. I felt like a failure that would never work with kids ever again. I felt like my past was 100% going to dictate my future, and there wasn't really a lot of hope left for me. In short, I was a MESS. A hot mess. I had gotten SO wrapped up in so many things that happened to me while I was at the 'wood and in my past that I had literally buried myself in pain and regret and could not get myself out. I saw no purpose for the pain I had experienced, and was so unsure of what I was even going to do with myself once I survived my year at Shelterwood and came back to Michigan. And when I finally left? It reinforced to myself what an utter failure I was, and I was so so ashamed and had a rough couple weeks when I first returned to Michigan.
But one day after another bought with anxiety and a minor panic attack because yet again I couldn't find a full time job after searching for HOURS I took a deep breath and said to myself "Marissa, honey, this has got to stop. You've got to give yourself some grace! Think about all the GOOD things you learned at Shelterwood. You would never put these expectations on someone else in your shoes, so why do it to yourself? You are a human BEING not a human DOING. God will provide. It's okay to just BE where you are. No one is judging you, its gonna be okay." And with that, I stopped. I stopped hating myself for not being able to work full time. I stopped beating myself up every time I wanted to take a nap. I stopped nagging myself to apply for jobs. I let myself eat when I was hungry, sleep when I wanted to sleep, I admitted to friends when I was having a bad day. I started being honest with my counselor again. In reality? I started to LIVE again, maybe for the first time in my life. And my heart has flourished! It's incredible!!!! The only answer? God. I have prayed more in this past month than I think I have ever before, simply praying that God would give me the desire for HIS plan for my life and not my own, and give me the strength to simply rest and let Him handle the tough stuff.
I have LOVED this song from the moment I heard it, it has been my anthem for the month to say the least!
I love it all, but these parts especially:
Sometimes the world feels like a mess
Full of drama, full of stress
And life puts a fist right in your ribs
You can hide if you choose to
And no one would even blame you
Or you can let them see how you deal with it
That even in the darkest place
His love can make you radiate!
(chorus)
Doesn’t matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they’ll see His light burning in your heart!
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you’re made of
That His love’s alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark!
I loved the part that says "You can hide if you choose to and no one would even blame you! Or you can let them see how you deal with it, that even in the darkest place His love can make you radiate!" That hit me one day, and I was like "Okay world! It's time to show you what I'm made of- JESUS!" I was praying at church yesterday and God brought this verse to my mind:
Satan intends to use my pain against me, and he got me pretty good while I was at the 'wood. He got me more defeated than I thought I had ever been in my life. BUT. God also brought SO MUCH STINKING GOOD out of it I just want to proclaim it from the rooftops because through it I found HIM. I found Jesus! And God will NOT let this pain go to waste, He promises that many times throughout the word. We just have to choose to believe it. And finally? I am choosing to believe it!
My "plan" (I use that loosely now lol) looks a lot different now than I thought it would even 2 months ago. But I know this is the right plan for me. I am applying for nannying jobs, and jobs working with kids and teens as I pay back my student loans and work on some stuff in counseling. This is where my priority is right now, and that's totally okay! My later plan is to start grad school in the near future and go back to school to become a counselor and get my certification as a play therapist. I cannot, cannot wait to use children's natural language (play) and guide them to healing through the love of Jesus. I want to guide children and parents to the love of Jesus and show them who can truly save their lives. Who can blow up the chains of depression, anxiety, and addiction through HIS name alone! So no. I am not finishing my "year" I may not be a Shelterwood graduate. But you know what? I am not now, nor have I EVER been a failure. This year has still ROCKED my world and I am forever eternally grateful and I can't wait to see how God continues working! It's gonna be phenomenal, and I am thankful you are coming along on the ride with me!
So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are NOT a failure. It does not matter if the CEO or President of your company tells you that you are- YOU ARE NOT because GOD says so! You can shine wherever you are, and I hope and pray that this encourages you today to take a look at the lies that you believe about yourself and challenge yourself to let God rock your world and show you who you really are through him!
