This is Real.This is Me. This is My Fight.

This is Me. Marissa Ann Kulig, an almost 24 year old. 

I've spent the last 23 years being a people pleaser- always doing and saying whatever I thought everyone wanted to hear out of a crippling fear of spending my life alone. I've spent my life believing that if I don't do what people want, no one will be my friend, no one will love me if I don't do exactly what everyone wants at every second of every day. I've been tired of this life for a long time, but it finally hit me this morning: I am TIRED of apologizing for who I am! I am tired of apologizing for my personality, for my thoughts, for my actions! I am tired of apologizing and acting like something is wrong simply because it feels right for me! So here I am, I want to shout to the world, that this is who I am, and I am not going to be sorry for it anymore. My counselor has challenged me many times recently to discover who I am as a person, and not who other people say I am. So here we go. This is my shot at being real, and vulnerable, and letting you know some fun facts about my life  :) 

My name is Marissa. 

• I love to be loud, and shout random things. 
• One of the quickest ways to get me to shut down is to argue with me or yell at me or make me feel inadequate. 
• I am very sensitive to caffeine, especially Mountain Dew
• I am very very very introverted, and hate when people make comments about my introversion and how I should be different. 
• I hate small talk more than anything in the world. 
• I love deep conversations about life with people I love. 
• I hate large group things with people I don't know. 
• I love and basically live off of Starbucks coffee. 
• I hate Tuna fish more than anything on earth. 
• I love having deep conversations about faith. 
• I find church intimidating and scary sometimes.
• I am passionate about working with broken teens.
• I don't truly want a 9-5 type career. 
• I need 9-10 hours of sleep to be a nice person in the morning. 
• My dream is to be a play therapist. 
• My favorite color is purple. 
• I love the Hunger Games almost more than anything. 
• I find psychology fascinating. 
• I hate cleaning my room. 
• And yet, the mess drives me crazy. 
• I hate wiping the table and doing dishes because the texture of wet food makes me want to cry. 
• I don't like being touched unless I am asked first. 
• Yet, I love hugs if people take the time to ask. 
• I have severe anxiety that limits a lot of what I can do sometimes. 
• Sometimes the grocery store, weddings, or really any "crowd" of people is overwhelming to me.
• Sometimes, I have panic attacks over nothing in particular. 
• Sometimes, I get angry over small things and might yell a lot. Or not at all. 
• New people that I don't know scare me a whole heck of a lot. 
• I hate elevators and escalators and have gotten stuck once. 
• I love to be crazy and sing at the top of my lungs. 
• I love to read books, and would do it all day if I could. 
• I love coloring books, and children's movies. 
• I love spending time with my inner child and doing "childish" things
• I have many "toys" to help me cope with anxiety including stress balls and a "calm down jar" filled with glitter, colorful beads and other wonderful things :) 
• I tend to speak my mind, and some people don't like that. 
• If I could figure out how to get all my thoughts into a concise fashion I'd love to write a book. 
• I have a hard time connecting with people sometimes, and it drives me crazy. 
• Sometimes I hurt people unintentionally and I have a hard time forgiving myself. 
• I had to leave a job I loved because of my mental health and I hate it. 
• I love color, and pictures. 
• My walls are covered in pictures, quotes and memories. 
• There are things from my past that have hurt, but have made me who I am so I do not regret them happening. 
• I want to make a difference in the world more than anything. 
• I need times of quiet with no interruption every day or else I go crazy. (Hence Starbucks dates with myself)
• I love when people are intentional with me. I love when people take time to ask me deep questions about what I think about things. 
• I hate it when people act like their needs are more important than my own. 
• I HATE when people make assumptions about my character, especially if they accuse me of lying, being selfish, or not being genuine. 
• I've been in counseling for a long time, and have no intentions of stopping anytime soon. I find mental health fascinating and love talking about it with people. 
• I love painting, drawing, coloring, and really anything to do with art. 
• If I had my way, I would move to London and never move back to the States. 
• I hate when people don't take the time to understand me, and when I don't take the time to understand other people. 
• My best friends live all over the country and a lot of time I hate it. 
• I have a hard time making new friends. 
• I hate when people imply that I should be married or in a serious relationship because I am "already" 23. 
• I hate when people ask me if I have tried dating websites or "getting to know people" 
• I want to be a wife and mom more than anything else on planet earth, but am not in a rush to get married at all. 
• I am not friends with everyone in my life, and I don't like everyone in my life, and that is OKAY. 
• I am not going to change what I believe simply because you told me I am wrong. 
• I am more likely to not do something if someone attempts to make me do it, or tries to guilt me into doing it. 
• I HATE being manipulated. 
• I am a huge fan of checklists. 
• I love trains and model railroading, and one day want to have a finished basement with train stuff everywhere! 
• A lot of time, I feel like I just don't fit into a lot of areas in my life and have spent my life desperately trying to fit in. 
• I have battled, conquered, and battled again anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, overeating, under eating, and everything in between. And for the first time in 23 years, I've started actually loving myself as a person within the last year and a half. 
• If you try to talk to me about stuff from my past, I might flip out cuz a lot of it is still emotionally charged. Don't take it personally. 
• I love to work out, but often need someone to keep me accountable :) 
• I am unique, quirky, and sometimes a little weird. There are a lot of things that make me unique, and a lot of things people love about me, and a lot of things people don't like about me. But in the end, God made me this way and I am choosing to love myself despite my flaws! 

I've spent the morning as I wrote this listening to "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. 

This is how I have felt today, and what I feel like this blog post does for me: "And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain. I will scream them loud tonight-Can you hear my voice this time?! This is my fight song! Take back my life song! Prove I'm alright song! My power's turned on! Starting right now I'll be strong! I'll play my fight song! And I don't really care if nobody else believes-'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me!"

This is my way of holding myself accountable to myself starting today, and everyday I am taking back my life. I do not need to be ashamed of who I am, how I act, or what I do. I ask if you've read this, hold me accountable. If you notice I am saying sorry for something I shouldn't be sorry for call me out on it. If you think I am overreacting to a situation, call me out on it (gently. And not in front of other people) chances are I feel misunderstood and would love to talk to you about it when I am not anxious and freaking out. If you need a work out buddy, come join me in Canton. If you want a Bible study partner, text me. I'm not going to spend the next 50 years of my life being ashamed of who I am. Because in reality? Some of my "quirks" that some people cannot stand God has already used in BIG ways. Like the fact that I hate small talk? I have gotten to know people based around the fact that we both hate small talk. My weird obsessions and reserved personality have opened doors for me to connect with kids that extroverted people never could get to say a word. So before you go judging me, arguing with me, or trying to change me please talk to me! 

I want conversations to come out of this. I want to connect with the REAL versions of my friends and family, not the versions society and other people have made us believe that we have to be. 

This is my fight, and I've still got a lotta fight left in me. 

Month 10- Painting Pictures of Egypt

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked. 'Cuz the future feels so hard and I wanna go back!" 

I've loved this song for a long time. It's applicably fit to so many seasons of my life simply because it represents how I deal with change- I always want to go back to what I had before no matter how hard of a season it was. I feel like this song once again truly fits how I have spent this past month- longing for the places I've been like a long lost friend. I love how the song says "The place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live. It wasn't milk and honey, but then again neither is this." The season I am in is unpredictable. I am constantly making decisions that don't make sense to anyone, and people wonder what the heck I am thinking. I wish I could say that I know what I am doing and I have a plan, but in reality I don't at all. I am truly taking each day step by step, and learning where God needs me in this new season. 

If I was going off emotion entirely, I would be back at Shelterwood already. I miss my girls terribly, and that is still getting harder instead of easier. I've still had a hard time remembering how to set boundaries for myself, and re-learning how to take care of myself properly. I'm having to relearn what realistic expectations are from an employer again, and realistic expectations for myself again. It would be SO much easier to go back to the wood and live in the life I had developed for myself there. But, the real question is would I still be growing if I had stayed? If we are being honest, the people that challenged me to grow, and truly "got me" as a human had left in August. I had no one left at the wood who really was my ally and knew how to challenge me to pursue growth. So in reality, all I was left with was struggle and little to no growth. If we are being honest, the season of growth in Missouri ended, and it was time to go. But that is much easier said than done. I love how the song says "I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go." I cried about my decision for about 2 months before finally quitting. I prayed, I begged God to not make me go. I prayed he would send me another mentor after Kari left knowing I would need someone else to help me along the journey. But God didn't answer that prayer in the way that I wanted him to and it made me so angry. But in reality? This is the truth:

"The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned."

It's frustrating. It's irritating. It's aggravating. I want to be able to go back to the places I used to be! Part of me wants to still be that person. And yet, seeing the changes in me even since I have been home are incredible. Once I recover fully from my time in Missouri, it's gonna be pretty cool. God already is taking me new places, and teaching me so so so so much about Him and his character. At first, (and still most days) I was irritated that I am nannying. I miss my girls. I want to be having deep conversations, and taking them on Dunkin Donut runs. Not changing dirty diapers and carrying a crying baby all day. I sit here and think "God! I want to be doing life changing work! Not this kinda stuff!" And yet, God spoke to my heart this morning and said "Marissa, what if the life changing work I want to accomplish right now is in you? What if I am using this baby to teach you about my love for you and compassion for you? What if I am using this job as a gentle way for you to learn how to take care of yourself and set boundaries again? What if I am using this job to simply give you some rest from pouring into others all the time? What if this season is to teach you things that are going to help you do life changing work later on? What if this work that you are doing right now is life changing for the family that you are working for?" Me: "Oh. Yeah. That could make sense." 

So here we are 10 months into a year long journey. I don't know what this month is going to hold. I envision that God is going to continue teaching me things in ways I can't even imagine yet, and while I miss Shelterwood, and I miss my girls terribly, I know I had to leave so God could continue using me and it's going to be okay in the long run. I never pictured that this is how the journey was going to go. I pray consistently for my girls and for my old coworkers, I may not be there physically but I can still support them spiritually. I want my girls to know how much I love and miss them, and I wish I could give them all hugs and talk for hours with them all about what God is teaching them, I also have an important job from home- I need to show them consistency. I need to show them that boundaries and taking care of yourself even when things change is important. I need to show them that even when people leave they can still stay a part of their lives. I need to show them that I still care and am praying for them. It's different, it's uncomfortable, but it's still very important.

So here is my random thought of the day: Just because we long for a season from the past does not mean we are not where we are supposed to be. God expects us to struggle with new seasons, and His grace is enough for that. Thank you for following me on this journey, and I pray that what God is teaching me helps you along your journey as well!! 

"There's No Way I Was Born to Just Pay Bills and Die."

Have you ever planned an event or created artwork and when you started you had this vision in your mind of what you thought it was going to turn out like, and then when reality hit it looked NOTHING like you planned, and you were super disappointed? This is something I struggle with WAY Too often it seems. It can range from simple things, like thinking my outfit or hair looks amazing when I plan it in my head, only to be disgusted when I actually try it, to planning surprise parties for friends and having a fabulous vision in my head only to have no one show up. It's frustrating, it's tiring, and a lot of times this contributes to my negative attitude.

I try to be positive, I really do. But a lot of times? Life does not go the way I plan for it to. Take yesterday for example. It had snowed the night before so the roads were slick when I left for counseling in the morning. What should have been a 15 min drive suddenly turned into a 35 minute drive. Ridiculous. Because of that, I ended up being late to counseling which then made me late for work. (I'm already frustrated by this point, not to mention even thinking about stuff I worked on in counseling.) Then, I run home to quickly eat lunch and change my clothes to get to the next job, where I am almost late again because of the roads even when leaving early. I get through work, excited to finally get to go home so I can run a few errands and prepare for a party I am hosting tonight. Only guess what? I managed to lock my keys in my car. I was basically in tears at this point, and finally had to have the police come unlock my car. I go to the store, buy a bunch of stuff, get home, make dinner, bake for hours, and then collapse in bed, exhausted. As I laid in bed last night I couldn't help but think "This is NOT how this was supposed to go! January was supposed to make my life easier, not harder! I hate this!"

People look at me strangely when I tell them it is hard for me to function like a normal human still after coming home from Shelterwood. If I can actually sleep for 8 hours at night, eat 3 semi healthy meals, drink water, take my medications, and maybe get in some exercise all while not forgetting to do very important things like pay bills, all in one day it is TRULY miraculous. Usually I can get 90% of those things, but never 100%. It's frustrating. It's tiring. It's embarrassing trying to explain to someone yet again why I am too overwhelmed right now to be able to handle going to the grocery store. And yet, I thought that everything was going to magically change come January when I would be making more money and working jobs that I enjoy.

I've come to a conclusion today as I have sat and pondered these things. My happiness can no longer be based on my circumstances. If that is the case, I am probably going to be miserable for the rest of my life. It's up to me to do my best with the life that God has given me, and to flourish and thrive within that context if I choose to do so. But that being said, I have to choose.

I can keep comparing myself to people and wishing my life would be different or I can do something about it. This year doesn't have to "suck" simply because it hasn't gone exactly how I thought it was going to. I don't know exactly what that means yet, but something has gotta change because I am not content with living a mediocre life. I saw the quote earlier "There is no way I was born to just pay bills and then die." And I feel like thats where I am at right now- my whole existence revolves around paying bills just to survive, and then eventually die. I know I was created for more than that, and I am on a mission to find out exactly what that is.