Have you ever planned an event or created artwork and when you started you had this vision in your mind of what you thought it was going to turn out like, and then when reality hit it looked NOTHING like you planned, and you were super disappointed? This is something I struggle with WAY Too often it seems. It can range from simple things, like thinking my outfit or hair looks amazing when I plan it in my head, only to be disgusted when I actually try it, to planning surprise parties for friends and having a fabulous vision in my head only to have no one show up. It's frustrating, it's tiring, and a lot of times this contributes to my negative attitude.
I try to be positive, I really do. But a lot of times? Life does not go the way I plan for it to. Take yesterday for example. It had snowed the night before so the roads were slick when I left for counseling in the morning. What should have been a 15 min drive suddenly turned into a 35 minute drive. Ridiculous. Because of that, I ended up being late to counseling which then made me late for work. (I'm already frustrated by this point, not to mention even thinking about stuff I worked on in counseling.) Then, I run home to quickly eat lunch and change my clothes to get to the next job, where I am almost late again because of the roads even when leaving early. I get through work, excited to finally get to go home so I can run a few errands and prepare for a party I am hosting tonight. Only guess what? I managed to lock my keys in my car. I was basically in tears at this point, and finally had to have the police come unlock my car. I go to the store, buy a bunch of stuff, get home, make dinner, bake for hours, and then collapse in bed, exhausted. As I laid in bed last night I couldn't help but think "This is NOT how this was supposed to go! January was supposed to make my life easier, not harder! I hate this!"
People look at me strangely when I tell them it is hard for me to function like a normal human still after coming home from Shelterwood. If I can actually sleep for 8 hours at night, eat 3 semi healthy meals, drink water, take my medications, and maybe get in some exercise all while not forgetting to do very important things like pay bills, all in one day it is TRULY miraculous. Usually I can get 90% of those things, but never 100%. It's frustrating. It's tiring. It's embarrassing trying to explain to someone yet again why I am too overwhelmed right now to be able to handle going to the grocery store. And yet, I thought that everything was going to magically change come January when I would be making more money and working jobs that I enjoy.
I've come to a conclusion today as I have sat and pondered these things. My happiness can no longer be based on my circumstances. If that is the case, I am probably going to be miserable for the rest of my life. It's up to me to do my best with the life that God has given me, and to flourish and thrive within that context if I choose to do so. But that being said, I have to choose.
I can keep comparing myself to people and wishing my life would be different or I can do something about it. This year doesn't have to "suck" simply because it hasn't gone exactly how I thought it was going to. I don't know exactly what that means yet, but something has gotta change because I am not content with living a mediocre life. I saw the quote earlier "There is no way I was born to just pay bills and then die." And I feel like thats where I am at right now- my whole existence revolves around paying bills just to survive, and then eventually die. I know I was created for more than that, and I am on a mission to find out exactly what that is.
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