Month 10- Painting Pictures of Egypt

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked. 'Cuz the future feels so hard and I wanna go back!" 

I've loved this song for a long time. It's applicably fit to so many seasons of my life simply because it represents how I deal with change- I always want to go back to what I had before no matter how hard of a season it was. I feel like this song once again truly fits how I have spent this past month- longing for the places I've been like a long lost friend. I love how the song says "The place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live. It wasn't milk and honey, but then again neither is this." The season I am in is unpredictable. I am constantly making decisions that don't make sense to anyone, and people wonder what the heck I am thinking. I wish I could say that I know what I am doing and I have a plan, but in reality I don't at all. I am truly taking each day step by step, and learning where God needs me in this new season. 

If I was going off emotion entirely, I would be back at Shelterwood already. I miss my girls terribly, and that is still getting harder instead of easier. I've still had a hard time remembering how to set boundaries for myself, and re-learning how to take care of myself properly. I'm having to relearn what realistic expectations are from an employer again, and realistic expectations for myself again. It would be SO much easier to go back to the wood and live in the life I had developed for myself there. But, the real question is would I still be growing if I had stayed? If we are being honest, the people that challenged me to grow, and truly "got me" as a human had left in August. I had no one left at the wood who really was my ally and knew how to challenge me to pursue growth. So in reality, all I was left with was struggle and little to no growth. If we are being honest, the season of growth in Missouri ended, and it was time to go. But that is much easier said than done. I love how the song says "I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go." I cried about my decision for about 2 months before finally quitting. I prayed, I begged God to not make me go. I prayed he would send me another mentor after Kari left knowing I would need someone else to help me along the journey. But God didn't answer that prayer in the way that I wanted him to and it made me so angry. But in reality? This is the truth:

"The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned."

It's frustrating. It's irritating. It's aggravating. I want to be able to go back to the places I used to be! Part of me wants to still be that person. And yet, seeing the changes in me even since I have been home are incredible. Once I recover fully from my time in Missouri, it's gonna be pretty cool. God already is taking me new places, and teaching me so so so so much about Him and his character. At first, (and still most days) I was irritated that I am nannying. I miss my girls. I want to be having deep conversations, and taking them on Dunkin Donut runs. Not changing dirty diapers and carrying a crying baby all day. I sit here and think "God! I want to be doing life changing work! Not this kinda stuff!" And yet, God spoke to my heart this morning and said "Marissa, what if the life changing work I want to accomplish right now is in you? What if I am using this baby to teach you about my love for you and compassion for you? What if I am using this job as a gentle way for you to learn how to take care of yourself and set boundaries again? What if I am using this job to simply give you some rest from pouring into others all the time? What if this season is to teach you things that are going to help you do life changing work later on? What if this work that you are doing right now is life changing for the family that you are working for?" Me: "Oh. Yeah. That could make sense." 

So here we are 10 months into a year long journey. I don't know what this month is going to hold. I envision that God is going to continue teaching me things in ways I can't even imagine yet, and while I miss Shelterwood, and I miss my girls terribly, I know I had to leave so God could continue using me and it's going to be okay in the long run. I never pictured that this is how the journey was going to go. I pray consistently for my girls and for my old coworkers, I may not be there physically but I can still support them spiritually. I want my girls to know how much I love and miss them, and I wish I could give them all hugs and talk for hours with them all about what God is teaching them, I also have an important job from home- I need to show them consistency. I need to show them that boundaries and taking care of yourself even when things change is important. I need to show them that even when people leave they can still stay a part of their lives. I need to show them that I still care and am praying for them. It's different, it's uncomfortable, but it's still very important.

So here is my random thought of the day: Just because we long for a season from the past does not mean we are not where we are supposed to be. God expects us to struggle with new seasons, and His grace is enough for that. Thank you for following me on this journey, and I pray that what God is teaching me helps you along your journey as well!!