When it Turns Out Your "Calling" isn't your Calling

For almost as long as I can remember I have known what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to work in the medical field in some sort, and help families experiencing chaos become calm and peaceful. I wanted to work with kids experiencing tragedy and help them learn how to cope. After years of searching I found my "calling"- Child Life.

I pursued this career hardcore- After much research, tears and frustration I applied to only one college- Concordia University because they had the best Child Life program in the country that I could find. I started school here at Concordia, and began my classes and began to uncover what it meant to be a Child Life Specialist. And to be completely honest- I loved it. As I dove deeper into learning about family systems and psychology, I began to fall in love with my degree.

But here's the part I don't talk about much in public about my college life (although if you truly know me at all you know this is true).... I am not the "ideal" student by any means. I was often not paying attention in class, barely read my textbooks, and was always finishing assignments at the last minute. While this was not any different than how I was in high school, college magnified the problem... I was hesitant to apply for things like volunteering at the hospital, my practicums, memberships in things like the Great Lakes Association of Child Life Professionals, or the Child Life Council. I would spend nights over the past summer crying in my room because I knew I needed to fill out my internship applications, but I just didn't want too. I turned almost everything important in late, or right on the deadline and would get mad when people would say things like "If you were more passionate you would have tried harder to get this in on time." On the outside, I would get mad, but on the inside deep down I knew that they were right.

You see, as much as I tried to fake and make people believe that my education in college was my focus and reason for coming to Concordia, it wasn't. And I didn't truly realize that until a few weeks into my Child Life internship. I was not as dedicated to my chosen career as I originally thought I was. As I started my internship, it just wasn't clicking. I just wasn't passionate about Child Life and I could not figure out why. Here is another part where I am going to share something that the majority of you know, but many do not- I have a therapist. I have been going to counseling since I started school here at Concordia for various reasons. After many many talks with my academic advisor Prof Doyle and my counselor Gina I came to this solid conclusion: I don't want to do Child Life anymore. No, its not because I don't see the value in Child Life, or because I don't want to work with sick kids. Those were two aspects of the job I loved. What I hated was ignoring the other "junk" that was going on in families lives and having to pretend that it didn't exist for the child's "benefit". No. I couldn't do that for my entire life. I have seen firsthand what happens when you shove and ignore pain and hurt and I couldn't bring myself to be encouraging families to do just that. No, I have been called to something more than this, and God will use my past to help the families of the future.

This was not an easy decision to come to.  There are many, many more reasons why I decided to make this change, and if you are interested in what they are, feel free to ask me. I have had MANY people freaking out, asking me if I am going to graduate and whatnot. I just want to take this moment and say YES. I am graduating, and I am on track to do something amazing with my life that God is directing I just don't know what it is yet. I am completely at peace about the decision. Yes, I have cried a few times but the decision has been so God oriented that I just can't argue this time.

The day I was meeting with my academic advisor and my supervisor at Beaumont the verse of the day for chapel was this: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2 My mind was blown just a little bit.... God is cutting the branch of Child Life off my tree. It was fruitful, helpful, and necessary for many seasons, but it is no longer bearing fruit. My study notes talked about how the branch being cut may be extremely painful and it may take quite a bit of time to recover and adjust to no longer having that branch. But in the same way, God is pruning the branch of Family Life and helping it to bloom into something more incredible and useful than I could have ever imagined.

I thought that I was coming to Concordia to become a CCLS. I thought that I was coming to make some new friends, and make some great memories. I thought that I was coming here to sort out my past in counseling. But in reality? I came here for a completely different reason: I came here for Jesus to change my life. I came here for him to become the center of my world and heal my heart in only ways that he has been able too. I came here so that he could show me a purpose for my past, and teach me how to use it for his glory in the future. So no. I don't really fit the mold of "ideal student". But in God's eyes, I am PERFECT. And his plan is unfolding in glorious ways and I cannot wait to continue to be a part of it.