I've had a lot of depression/anxiety flair ups over the past few weeks. None of them have lasted long, a few hours or a night at the longest but it is still frustrating. I hate having to call my counselor sometimes because I am panicking over what feels like nothing. I thought that when I came back from Shelterwood my life was going to be magically "fixed" and all my struggles I've been facing over the past few months would go away. Surprise? They didn't. Actually a lot of them magnified.
In reality? A lot of people who work in residential centers come out with symptoms of PTSD, some worse than others. I wish that direct care staff got better care by their employers but in reality most don't, and working residential is a highly emotional investing job. I've been avoiding these facts since October. I've wanted to believe and have worked hard to convince myself that I am "fine" and that none of this 'trauma' had affected me. I had a heart to heart with my mentor Kari, and my therapist this past week and both of them called me out on avoiding the hard stuff I need to face in order to move forward. And yet, Kari said something to me that has really stuck with me. She said to me "Marissa, God is still most definitely working where you're at. You're in a season of preparation. I don't even think you're in a season of waiting, God is on the move!"
I've thought about this as I've struggled a bit over the past few days. A lot of days? I dont want to be nannying. I want to be working with teens mentoring them. Or even families discipling them. Truly ANYTHING other than what I am doing right now. But in reality? I make really really good money nannying. I am going to be able to start grad school (hopefully!) in the fall, and have got plans for an apartment lined up. I am financially secure for the first time in my life, and God is teaching me a TON about myself, and what kind of parent I want to be through nannying. I am working at developing relationships at my church, and reducing my social anxiety as a whole. I have plans to start volunteering with Big Brother/Big Sister soon, and there are a LOT of exciting things going on in my life right now.
And so I've chosen to take these tough things that I don't like and repeat to myself "I know, I know that God is on the move in many mighty ways! God is on the move today, hallelujah!" Anytime I face something hard, I can either crumble in self pity and despair, and let my anxiety and depression completely take over. Or, I can stand up and shout "Satan, I KNOW God is on the move!" and that know that God will use whatever is hard about my day for good. This will end up good. Even if it's not "good" till heaven, I know that my story ends for good because God said so and all his promises are true!
I think of today being Good Friday... I've thought about it many times today and been annoyed with my day that I haven't gotten to have good "God time" yet today. And yet for the first time in my life, I am seeing Good Friday in a completely different light. Yes, Good Friday is a day of sadness and mourning. But at the same time? I think about Good Friday today and I think "OH MAN. God is on the move!" and I am SO excited for Sunday! I have never been super excited about Easter before, but I am PUMPED man. I get to live forever in freedom because Jesus paid the price for ME. Today. He did it. He was tortured, abused, and died for me. Selfish, self centered, impatient, angry, me. If God can transform the crucifixion into one of the greatest symbols of hope and healing, then I think that he's got my life under control.
So here is my random thought of the day for you: What situation is going on in your life that you need to recognize that God is in fact on the move? I encourage you to take a step back this Good Friday, and remember that while it is dark right now and it appears death has won; Remember: God is on the move! Sunday is coming, healing, restoration and freedom is coming. So take a deep breath, and don't get stuck on Good Friday, God is on the move today!
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