It's Time to Be Well

If you know me, you know I have an obsession. I LOVE books. I have more books than I can count, on any variety of subjects. I love fiction, non-fiction, self help, christian faith books, devotionals, biographies, really anything. But there are few books both fiction and non that have completely stunned me, and left me dumbfounded knowing that my life was changed because I read this book. This book, The Road to Becoming is one of those books. 

I was a fan of the band Addison Road a few years back, and was sad when I heard they would no longer be touring, but their lead singer Jenny Simmons would still be creating music. I downloaded one of the songs off her first album, and fell in love with it. It's called "Don't Lose Heart." You will love this song even more after reading Jenny's story. This song saved my life on a lottttt of nights when I was fighting serious depression and wanting to give up hope. I've followed Jenny's page on FB for a while, and have loved seeing the updates about her life post band and her adventures with her daughter Annie. After commenting on one of her statuses at some point, and receiving a personal response and being told that she wished we could grab coffee and tell our life stories, I knew this was someone I wanted to keep on my radar. 

Fast forward a year or two, and Jenny starts a kickstarter for her new book, The Road to Becoming. Now, I knew I wanted this book. I've read things she's written for years and knew it was going to be good. But alas, I was poor and couldn't. So, I have searched for a good deal on this book high and low since the day it came out. Finally, when I was in Kansas City I found it on sale for FIVE DOLLARS. WHAT?! This book only came out in 2015 people- it was a TOTAL God thing that I found this book for a price I could afford. So, I picked it up and made plans to read it. Little did I know that this book was going to be exactly the words that God needed me to hear a short month and a half later. 

I've struggled with being real with people with where I am at exactly... I am in a season of change, hope, and growth. It's a season of immense preparation. I've been told that MANY times recently. But heres the thing? I am EXTREMELY impatient. Like ridiculously impatient. If things do not go my way instantly, I tend to try and bail. Not my best quality. I heard a quote once that we've transitioned from the polaroid film generation to the instagram generation. My generation wants things NOW without having to do anything in order to get there. Just instant results, now. Please. And thats where I've been at. My soul knows I am in a season of rest, to heal and restore from Shelterwood and to heal and restore from my past. I am in a season where I need to focus on my mental, physical, emotional health and counseling, and not worry about getting a great job and a new car. However the physical side of me? My brain is like FORGET THIS. Let's blow our money and go to Disney World and get a real job, car, and apartment like our friends! You're fine heart, just shut up! Well, after spending 6 months of trying to get my soul to shut up, I'd finally had enough. And thats when I picked up this book. I loved a quote from the book that said "My road to becoming started when I finally told the whispers to shut up. My road to becoming started when I wasn't afraid of my own voice anymore. And that was a good moment, because as it turned out, I was the kind of girl destined to use my voice."

 Jenny talks about the depression she went into, going from a fast paced CRAZY life as a musician to a slow pace, staying at home with her daughter. She talks about how she felt like she lost control of her life, and no longer had a roadmap on how to carry on. She had no idea what was coming next, and had NO clue what to do and was desperately grasping at straws for even a tiny bit of control. She says "Looking back now, I realize that aimlessly walking through Target was the only way I felt any modicum of control over my life. I could no longer decipher a life road map, but I sure as heck could get myself from the home-goods aisles to shoes to makeup. And I clung to what little control I had left while my heart wrapped itself around a foreign concept: sometimes the next step feels like a million miles away. Sometimes you just get lost, and you are truly, painfully, unavoidably at a complete standstill with nowhere to go." Oh how I get this and can relate to this on an unreal level. After almost every counseling session I find myself at Meijer. Don't ask me why. I never knew why till I read this book. I go to Meijer because it's familiar. It's a store that I know well and love. And while my brain can't seem to wrap itself around the stuff I just tried to deal with in counseling, it can sure as heck walk me through the grocery aisles, and to the craft aisles, and to everything my heart enjoys until the tears have dried, and I remember that this too shall pass. Meijer is my way of having some control in my life when I have seemingly no control over anything else. 

I got to the end of this book, and was in tears. Jenny overcame SO MUCH. Like so much it is rediculous. Addison Road's equipment and vehicle were stolen twice, and then totaled in a crash. Them, the RV they rented holding ALL of their belongings literally blew up. Her daughter had to have emergency surgery as an infant, and so many other things. And I sat here stunned thinking "Holy crap. And she's still praising Jesus! AMEN!" Midway though the book someone asked Jenny this: "If God doesn't step in and divinely change where I find myself on this piece of broken earth, do I still trust Him? Can I still live my story well?" She paused and had to think about it, but eventually was able to come around and say yes. 

I thought about that as I sat reading... I thought "Can I still live my story well if _____ (needing full time work, constant battle with anxiety/depression, singlehood, financial situation, etc) doesn't happen? Will I still be able to trust Him? She talks about how sometimes the answers to prayers we so desperately want oftentimes are not what we need because we are on the road to becoming. 

We are on the road to becoming what God needs us to be in order to walk through the next phase of the life. The road isn't forever, but there are seasons where we are going to be under construction for longer than we thought and LOTS of road closed signs, and needing to take detours that we didn't plan and we don't want. But what are we going to do with that? Are we going to sit and pout, or are we going to trust that God has got this and will get us through? I forget this a LOT. Like almost every day I have to remind myself that even though I do not like this journey that I am on at all, it's still part of his plan and he will get me through. I just need his strength and not my own. Because my own is not enough. 

I am tired of creating my own road map, slapping "in the name of Jesus" on it and calling it God's will for me. I am tired of expecting things to go one way, and having them turn out completely wrong when in my heart I knew that I needed to be doing something different from the get go. I remember when I was thinking about leaving Shelterwood, and I kept going to my supervisor Kari and telling her that I didn't know where God was leading me, I could see him leading me down both paths. She kept encouraging me to be still, be quiet, and wait upon the Lord and he would show me. It was SO RIDICULOUSLY hard. Day after day after day for about 2 months going back and forth, trying to make the decision. And one day, God just gave me peace in my heart and told me it was time to go. I cried like a baby. I didn't want to go, but I knew in my heart that was what I was supposed to do. I had NO roadmap. No idea what I was coming home to, only a part time job, and my house. I was scared out of my mind because for the first time I didn't have a plan, and I was floundering. I NEED a plan. I need structure. I need the same spot at church every week. I need my alarm clock to go off at the same time every morning with the same ringtone. I need my socks to be in the top drawer. I need predictability for my own stability. Without it, I begin to crumble and fear that I am going to completely fall apart. Until I read this book. 

Stability is not bad, routine is not bad. But relying on it as my saving grace? Thats a problem. Having a complete meltdown because things could not be EXACTLY how I said they needed to be? Thats a problem. Thats not realistic. It's a problem thats gotten significantly worse since I got home from Missouri. My food touches, and I feel like WWIII has just started inside my soul. (Only a small bit of exaggeration there.... it's really that much of a problem.) If I lose control of anything, I completely shut down and panic. And I've realized after reading this book, that maybe this is what God is trying to teach me.... I don't have to have control over everything for it to be okay. My meal can still taste good even if my food accidentally touches. I can still enjoy church even if I panic after talking to people. I can still have a good life even if that past year hasn't gone how I planned. I can still have a good, God honoring life even if my past didn't play out how I wanted it to. I can still have a good life without a roadmap warning me about what is coming up next. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Take a deep breath, and realize that while you may not have a roadmap for this part of the journey, it's okay. Because you have someone in the driver's seat who knows the roadmap wayyyyy better than you ever will. And he will keep you safe. The journey will end well, if not on earth than in heaven. I didn't plan on being 24 and still living with my parents. I didn't plan to still be single. I didn't plan on still being nannying instead of having a real job. I didn't plan on still driving a car from 1999. I didn't plan really any part of where I am. But God did. And I am choosing to trust Him. He's whispering in my ear "Marissa, it's time to be well." 

Take a minute and listen to this song.... This wasn't the one I intended on including, but I found it as I looked up the other one on Youtube and I feel that this fits this blogpost perfectly. It's time to be well. It's time to stop lamenting in the past, to confront the pain and let it go. It's time to stop letting Satan demand control and kick him out of the passenger seat constantly fighting for control. It's time to recognize that even when I have a hard time seeing it myself right now, God is calling me to be well!