I've compared myself to Katniss Everdeen many times as I've walked the minefield of anxiety/depression/ptsd. But within the past few months, I have found another character that I strongly relate to on an unreal level: Lorelai Gilmore.
Granted, long before watching Gilmore Girls I was a coffee drinking, junk food loving, sarcastic, witty, book and movie loving human. But, watching Gilmore Girls has only intensified these loves in my life. I watched this woman, who is living a life far from anything that she dreamed of because of the cards life chose to hand her. I related to her as a I watched her fight with her parents, and then cry because she simply didn't know how to communicate with them in a way that worked for both of them. I watched as she made really dumb decisions, but also made really good decisions and just kept fighting to make her life the best that it could be despite her circumstances.
I watched as some of my not so good characteristics came out in her character- passive aggressiveness, a seemingly inability to deal with intense negative emotions, and a struggle to deal with change all while self medicating with junk food and coffee. Many people say Lorelai is selfish, and self-centered. I think Lorelai has been hurt a lot, and burned a lot by the people in her life, and her poor behavior in certain circumstances was fueled by that behavior. I think her parents got burned a lot as well, and acted out of their pain as well. And yet, both parties tried hard to fight through their pain and be the best "them" that they could be. And it was far from perfect. Lorelai said and did things that she later regretted and her parents did the same. But they kept on trying, and that is what is important.
*spoilers ahead for those who haven't watched the new Gilmore Girls season yet* I just finished the 3rd episode- Summer. And Lorelai has hit a crossroads with her mom, Luke, and Rory. She's spent her entire life being "perfectly quirky Lorelai Gilmore who isn't bothered by anything hurtful that anyone says or does"and she hasn't let anyone into her deep pain. She hasn't let anyone, even herself acknowledge that her past was HARD, and its okay to have a deep emotional reaction to that. That it's okay to break down. There's a song that plays in the show that basically says it's now or never- you gotta let your self break or you probably never will. And Lorelai is coming to terms with the fact that she has got to face her deep pain and fears and let herself finally break.
I had a similar encounter in counseling today, hours before I watched the episode of Gilmore Girls I just talked about. I'd be lying to you if I said that my past was "easy". Both sides of my family have experienced severe drug and alcohol addictions, divorce, and simply family dysfunction on many levels, this isn't really a secret, if you know me well we've talked about it. While a lot of this dysfunction didn't happen in my immediate family, it was all very close- aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. All of it had an effect on me, my siblings, and my parents. While not perfect, (honestly who is?!) I give my parents a crap ton of credit. They both came from intense home life situations, and they both worked their butts off to give their kids a better homelife than they had. Does this mean our family was totally fine, and none of the dysfunction affected us? No. Not at all. I wish that was reality, but that is the reality with sin in this world. There were times when my parents and I could not see eye to eye no matter how hard we tried, and I was angry about things that had happened that I wish could have changed. As I have gotten older, I have realized that even had everything "bad" not happened when I was younger, I still would have gotten hurt. This world is still inherently evil. I still would have come out with scars even if my family was "perfect".
And so I sat in counseling today, and my counselor and I talked about how my personality is similar to Lorelai. We talked about the pros/cons with that, and gave examples of how Lorelai handled situations well, and in some ways she really screwed things up and how she found solutions to those screw ups. And I got out of counseling and watched that episode and thought "This is where I am at right now... It's how I've been since I got to Ohio six months ago. It's like my mind is telling me 'It's now or never.' You've got to let the pain you experienced as a kid go, in order to move forward and really enjoy your life."
This blog is a bit more personal than I normally go.... I think that's okay though. I've lived my entire life terrified of letting people in, and letting them see how the scenes of my past affected me. I've been so scared that if I let this brokenness show, everyone would be repulsed and leave me. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this just might not be true. So here is my random thought of the day for you: Do you see a bit of Lorelai Gilmore in yourself? Are you afraid to let your brokenness show, and let God's healing waters rush through the cracks and make you healed and whole? Yes, your cracks will still show. But I am starting to be convinced that that really, truly isn't such a bad thing afterall. I encourage you to take a step back today, and really truly consider the idea of facing your pain. Really ask yourself if you've let go of the wrongs done against you, and wrongs you have committed yourself. And if you haven't, will you consider starting on that journey today? I'd love to walk through that journey with you if need someone to start it with.
