I have been thinking about this blog post for over a week now, I really wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to get myself to sit down and write it, but for the sake of tradition, I felt that I needed too. This used to be so easy for me- reflecting on my year, counting my blessings, even remembering the moments of deep pain. But the past two years? They have been intense, mind numbing, life altering years, that have been breaking me down over and over and over again. It's been about a year and a half since my world was turned upside down and I lost the job I loved and in many, many ways I am still desperately trying to recover.
As I sat down this evening, desperate for some sense of normalcy on this New Year's Eve, I tried to think of one word to describe what 2018 has been like for me. All that kept coming to mind? Fog. Deep, thick, never ending fog.
As I sat down this evening, desperate for some sense of normalcy on this New Year's Eve, I tried to think of one word to describe what 2018 has been like for me. All that kept coming to mind? Fog. Deep, thick, never ending fog.
There is a part of me that so desperately wants to say that after the literal hell that was 2017, 2018 was a million times better and everything is okay now. In reality? It's just not that simple. I have a job that covers most of my bills, I have an apartment in a town that I love, and am finally back in Michigan. I started graduate school this year, and have truly started finding my real self. All of these things are amazing, wonderful things. I also have experienced immense pain this year. I've begun grieving the loss of a job I loved as well as an old friendship coming to an end on a new and deeper level. I have laid on my bed starring at the wall wondering how I was going to pay for rent and buy groceries that week. I have fought depression and anxiety off more times than I can count.
I am sitting in my apartment in Saline right now, literally around the corner from the house of one of my best friends from high school. My elementary school is within walking distance of my apartment. It is safe to say that I am VERY familiar with this area. And yet, have you ever woken up to or started driving through fog? You can be driving somewhere you know like the back of your hand, yet the fog takes away that sense of security and direction and often replaces it with fear. I've sat in my apartment thinking so many times this year "God, all I wanted was to move back to Michigan this year..... I felt like if I did that, everything would be okay. And yet here I am. Achieving all the things I wanted this year and yet how can I be somewhere so familiar, yet I feel so so lost, alone, and afraid?" Everything around me is familiar, but the fog has taken away my sense of security in ways that I could never expect. And let me tell you- it has been pretty easy for me to have this one sided and somewhat negative view of fog this year.
I am sitting in my apartment in Saline right now, literally around the corner from the house of one of my best friends from high school. My elementary school is within walking distance of my apartment. It is safe to say that I am VERY familiar with this area. And yet, have you ever woken up to or started driving through fog? You can be driving somewhere you know like the back of your hand, yet the fog takes away that sense of security and direction and often replaces it with fear. I've sat in my apartment thinking so many times this year "God, all I wanted was to move back to Michigan this year..... I felt like if I did that, everything would be okay. And yet here I am. Achieving all the things I wanted this year and yet how can I be somewhere so familiar, yet I feel so so lost, alone, and afraid?" Everything around me is familiar, but the fog has taken away my sense of security in ways that I could never expect. And let me tell you- it has been pretty easy for me to have this one sided and somewhat negative view of fog this year.
And yet, sometimes there is a beauty in the fog. I took this picture during my Sophmore year high school retreat at Somerset Beach campground. This was one of the most beautiful, memorable mornings of my life. My group of crazy (yet beyond incredible) best friends got up at the butt crack of dawn to have Bible study together and praise Jesus and watch the sunrise from the middle of the lake in canoes and paddle boats. It was foggy, freezing, and yet beyond stunning. I often find myself returning to this picture because I love the memories it evokes from that morning. To be honest, I forgot about this morning until I was writing this blog post, and it brought tears to my eyes thinking of the depth, growth, and change that that one morning brought about in my life over the next few years. I look at this picture, and I think of the love of Jesus I so strongly felt sitting in that boat that morning. I think of the trust I had in my friends (I was deathly afraid of canoes at that point in my life) I think of the excitement I had for the day to come, and the excitement I had thinking of all that God was going to do in our school. It was almost as if the fog was a veil over the beautiful day that was coming. 
As I think about this year coming to a close, I am beginning to think that 2017 and 2018 were seasons of intense fog. And now heading into 2019, the fog is starting to lift. It isn't an immediate change, just as fog lifting takes many hours if it was a thick fog. But with each passing moment and day, the fog gets a little bit lighter and the light starts to peek through again a bit more.
"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow theres peace. And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving into something heavenly.Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will? Or am I just climbing aimlessly over these hills? So show me what it is you want from me, I'd give everything, I surrender to whatever you're doing inside of me,"
I don't know what 2019 will bring. It may be yet another year of intense fog, yet I don't sense that in the same way that I did when 2018 was beginning. And yet if it is, I think I can finally say: So be it. I don't know if this blog post even makes sense, my brain feels a bit foggy right now (see what I did there? ;) I never said I was a good comedian). All I can say that I hope for 2019 that God will continue showing me the beauty in the foggy days even when I feel lost, alone, confused and hopelessly off track. I hope and pray that this year is filled with simple moments like that day during high school retreat, and constant reminders that even when I can't see a few feet in front of me, Jesus is still right next to me.
I hope and pray that even if your 2018 was far from fabulous, even if it was downright hellish, that you can find some comfort and peace in the this new year. There is something refreshing about the concept of a clean slate, and I hope and pray that you will accept the one that God has given you. I remembered a song by MercyMe on Sunday (see below) When it comes to this battle on earth between good and evil, Jesus and Satan- this may come as a spoiler alert: WE WIN IN THE END. No matter how many foggy days may plague us here on earth, there will be unending sunshine filled days in heaven for all of eternity and I pray that you can keep this eternal focus in 2019. So happy New Year my friends, and may 2019 be lived out as the victors that I know all of you are.
