When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade and Praise the Lord!

So I am sitting here at Starbucks, processing my day and my first week so far as a whole and I look at my Passion Tea and see this:

To most of the population whose brains don't operate like mine, this simply means Passion Tea Lemonade. But to my special brain, I immediately thought "Praise the Lord". As I laughed about this, I thought I have SO much to praise the Lord about recently! 

As I have been processing the fact that I am now 12 hours away from everyone I have known for my entire life, my mind tempts me to be afraid. Every morning and many times a day Satan puts the lies in my head "You cannot do this. You are not cut out for working with troubled teens. You should just go home." But in reality?! That is FAR from true. Nothing has EVER been more clear to me that this is where God wants me to be, and I am willing to follow that path and his will no matter what the cost.

Admist the fear, I have already learned so much about myself. I have a new sense of freedom that I have never quite experienced before. For the first time in 23 years I am completely on my own, and responsible for my own well being. For the first time in 23 years my parents are not 15 minutes down the road to come bail me out from whatever I may need, whether that is medicine cuz I am sick or money cuz I am poor or whatever the situation may be. And yet Satan tempts me with that. Instead of praising the Lord for him teaching me how to be independent my brain wants to cower in fear. My brain wants to tell me to run away and hide. There have been a few times so far here at the 'wood where I sit down on the couch and think "There is NO way I can do this. I should just leave now. I can't do this. What about my story is EVER going to be able to help these deeply hurting girls?!" And I realized last night- I can't help them or save them. But I can love them. I can pray for them and with them. And I can praise the Lord that he brought every single one of them into my life to teach me a lesson and to help them come closer to Him.

I've finally realized that there are two ways to view life. You can view things how I normally do: Lemons- sour, awful, almost painful. Or? Lemonade. Yes you need those darn lemons. But you also have the sugar- JESUS. I could continue to cower in fear and make myself believe that God will never use me here at Shelterwood. I could choose to believe I have no business working with teens because I prefer the little munchkins. I could believe that I will never make friends here and I will be lonely. I could continue to do this and I could make a version of lemonade out of it and be functional. But in reality? My lemonade is going to SUCK. No one wants sour lemonade!

Or? I could trust God. I could remember that His plan is better than mine, and He can do more than I can ever ask or imagine. I can choose to remember that two of my old coworkers from the BLOCK have contacted me this week telling me that my kids (those 'teens' that I tell myself I have no business working with) miss me and want me to call the BLOCK so I can say Hi. But did you catch that? I have to CHOOSE. God will not make me be positive. He will not make me be happy. He will not make me do anything because He loves me.

So my random thought of the day for you? What will you choose? Will you choose to eat the lemons and suffer the consequences? Or will you choose to take the lemons and make lemonade? I know I have made my choice.

Admist the chaos, admist the tears, yelling, drama, periods, temper tantrums, and pain, there is also Hope. I am choosing to no longer focus on what makes my job and my life hard, but the beauty that comes out of it. I am choosing to not get mad at my residents for their actions, but instead pray for them. Pray for their hearts. Pray for their pain. And to give myself some grace admist this HUGE transition. Realizing it's okay to cry. It's okay to get overwhelmed. It's okay to not know, and it is okay to need help. 

God has seriously blessed me so much, I just cannot contain it. And simply because He chooses to love me even when I feel unloveable, in every moment I will PTL. 

(As I wrote this blog post, I had this song stuck in my head from my Conco Choir days. It is beautiful, take time to listen, and forget not all his benefits!) 

Shelterwood: A New Version of "Normal"

So I've officially been at the 'wood for a little over 36 hours now, and I am finally beginning to settle in. I officially unpacked the last box and hung up the last picture on my wall last night, and it is SUCH a relief to know where all my stuff is, and not feel like I am having to search for something every time I need it.

I've wanted to post an update, but in some ways I don't know what to say. The past three days have been such a whirlwind of 'new' that I can't really find words to summarize it all. There has been a ton of good, some bad, and some just simply frustrating most of which comes from the fact that I am new.

I've met a ton of awesome people, both staff and kids. I've already seen firsthand the challenges and the incredible benefits of a residential setting. I know I am going to love it here, I just gotta finish settling in ;)

I miss the familiarity of home, but at the same time I love this new adventure. I love seeing my schooling come to life, and interacting with these kids on a daily basis. I love that Jesus is the center of what we are doing and I can freely talk about my faith at work.

Over the past few days I have kept saying I just want my 'normal' life. I miss 'normal' things. But in reality? Shelterwood is my new version of normal. One of the leaders of my training made an interesting comment saying that what is seen as "normal" behavior for teens to us, is not normal to the kids in the program so we need to constantly reinforce what normal is.

Overall, this has already been a great life experience so far, and I can't wait to see how God changes my life over the course of this year! If you'd like to hear more specifics about how I am doing, feel free to message or call me! I'd love to share with you!! :)

Music: The Universal Language Across Generations

If you know me at all, you know I love music. I love listening to it, playing it, singing it, and even watching it be produced. I love how artists can take sounds and combine them with words and make you feel something so deep, you can't explain it.

If you were to look at my ITunes library, I don't have a lot of variety. I mainly listen to Christian music and that is about it. I have a few "popular" songs, but not a lot. I never really have listened to mainstream radio- growing up I wasn't allowed to. We either listened to Country or Christian, and as I have gotten older I have seen no need to fill my mind with what a lot of time is garbage.

But when I started working at the BLOCK, I had to start listening to mainstream radio because thats what the kids listen to on the way home. I was astonished by what I heard. If I don't change the station (which most of the time I have to) I have 11 year olds singing about sex, drugs, rape, and a million other things. It literally makes me sick. Inbetween schools, I always switch back to my Christian radio station so that I can refresh my mind a little bit and clear out some of the crap I just listened to.

I'm not writing this to act like a "goody two shoes" Christian. No, there are some songs that I hadn't heard prior to working at the BLOCK that have a good beat and appropriate meanings and I really enjoy. I am writing because of the story I am about to tell you.

Yesterday I picked up some kids from one of the middle schools, and one of our kids, we will call him J, sat in the front seat. Now J is 11 or 12 and has a large variety of behavior issues, and has a very hard time focusing and sitting still. But, he LOVES music so I generally let him pick the radio station when he is in the van. A song came on the radio that isn't horribly inappropriate, but still just bad and I made a face. J looked at me and said "You don't like this kinda music, do you?" And I said "No J, I don't." and he asked me why and we began a conversation about mainstream music. He finally says to me "Ya know, I sing these songs a lot and I guess they have a lot of bad stuff in them and thats why I get in trouble for singing them at school. But I don't really even like the words or listen to the words, I just like how good the beat is. I wish they didn't have bad stuff in them so I could just sing them and not get in trouble!!"

And at that moment I was glad that my parents never let me listen to a lot of mainstream music when I was younger. Yes, I wasn't up on what was "popular". I got laughed at when I couldn't tell the Spice Girls apart, and didn't have Brittany Spear's newest album. But you know what? I also never had to even think about if what I was singing was "appropriate" or going to get me in trouble. These kids don't even understand what they are singing about. They don't understand that one of their "favorite" songs is talking about a man forcing sex on a woman and then telling her "Don't tell them!" It makes me so sad, that these kids (especially those who are not Christian) do not have uplifting, encouraging music to listen to. All they have is sex, swearing, and drugs. And yet, it has been a HUGE conversation starter with my kids. We speak the same language of sorts, and that is the language of music. I understand how they have their "jams" and they love certain songs and whatnot. But I have also realized this: This music is polluting their minds.

I can DEFINITELY see a difference in my life when I listen to mainstream music vs. Christian music. The difference? When I am listening to my Jesus jams, my focus is on HIM. My focus is on HIS plan for my life. Does that include future romance/marriage/kids, other relationships in my life, problems in life, and joys in life? Absolutely. Just because all of my music is "Christian" does not mean it is all worship music and I am okay with that!! When I listen to mainstream music, I suddenly find myself lusting over things I wouldn't normally- sex, money, power, even food, and things that have NO depth or meaning. They may make us happy in the moment, but for eternity? They are worthless. I find it appaling when some of my traditional Christian friends hate on Christians who listen to Contemporary Christian music. Um hello?! Would you rather me be filling my mind with Godly things? Or things of this world. So no, it is not your first world hymns. But my Contemporary Christian music is the same thing to the world now as your hymns were in that time period.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: I'm not writing this to tell you to never listen to mainstream music again. But I am writing this to challenge you to think about what you are filling your mind with and the affect that it then has on you. I'd like to challenge you to this: Take the 30 day Christian music challenge and listen to only Christian music. I know it will change your life!! But at the same time, don't shut people out just because they listen to something different than you. Use your tastes in music as a conversation starter. Ask them why they love what they listen to, why it makes them feel good. And then you will have a chance to tell them why you're music makes you feel good! It's a great opportunity to bring the light of the gospel into an area that Satan has overpowered with sin, because music is truly the one language that we all understand! :)

Thank God For Grace

I often find myself saying "There is never too much of a good thing!" Well my friends, I learned the lesson that this is not true once again, hoping that maybe I have finally learned my lesson for good this time.

As you probably all know, I have Fructose Malabsorption. There are a million and one foods that I have to avoid or enjoy in moderation. Sometimes, I can get away with eating more of some foods than other times. It is truly a condition you have to play by ear, as it is nearly impossible to simply cut out everything in life that contains fructose. But, sometimes I get mad that I have to watch what I eat and I eat whatever I want. It's almost like Russian Roulette- I never know if I am going to pay the price for what I've eaten or get off easy.

Yesterday, I woke up to a wonderful surprise- we had bagels! I LOVE bagels. Especially with butter, and sometimes with cinnamon sugar. For some reason, we don't buy bagels very often, so waking up and seeing two bags on the counter was extremely exciting! (Reminder: I am not supposed to eat wheat really at all, generally even small amounts bother me.) I literally saw the bag and said "screw it! I want a bagel!" So I ate one. Not a huge deal if I avoided the rest of my trigger foods for the rest of the day. Well.... I didn't. I ate a little bit of bad food for a snack while at work, and then came home for dinner and had another bagel, and later had goldfish as a snack. I felt a little sick when I went to bed, but nothing too bad.

But then I woke up this morning curled up in pain with an AWFUL stomachache. Thats the other problem with fructose malabsorption- sometimes the symptoms hit in 20 minutes, sometimes depending on when I eat the full affects dont hit me until the next day. And now, I will be paying for my choices yesterday for most of the day today. And I am sitting here thinking "Is this really worth it for a stupid bagel?! Why did I have to eat the other stuff too?! It all seemed so harmless at the time!"

As I was lying in bed praying that God would make my stomachache go away before work it hit me: I am paying the consequences for my actions. I knew what could happen if I ate the food, and I did it anyway. It reminds me of a post I wrote a few years ago about Eve with the apple. She knew the possible consequences but she ate it anyway, hoping that God wouldn't actually do what he said he would do. So in reality, it is not God's responsibility to take away my stomachache. I earned this misery by my own disobedience.

I think about bad habits I have and so many others have; eating junk food, watching too much tv, talking behind others backs, drinking, sex, drugs, and so many, many others. And yet everyone with these "addictions" have the same thought process: "It's not that bad. I have control over what I am doing, one time is not going to kill me. It will be fine." And yet what happens? One time turns into a second time, and a third and a fourth until suddenly you're not even thinking through what you're doing anymore! You've gotten so used to getting away with what you've been doing that when the consequence hits you in the face, we get mad at God. We say things like "God! How could you let me get sick today?! I have a long work shift and I can't afford to feel like crap! Why did I get diagnosed with the stupid sickness! Why haven't you just healed me?!" Or from the perspective of someone who overeats and never exercises and has a heart attack "God! Why did you allow this to happen?! How could you do this to me?! This is just not fair! I love you! Don't you love me?!"

When in reality? It is NOT God's fault. We live in a fallen world, filled with temptation and it is our responsibility to recognize what we should and should not be doing, and rely on the grace of God to help us through. It is not God's fault that I chose to eat bagels and wheat yesterday, in return it is by my own doing that I feel sick today. We cannot blame God for the bad choices that we make, our bad choices lead to our own demise.

But, Thank God for Grace. Yes, I am lying in bed sick when I have to be at work in a few short hours and in all reality it sucks. But is God mad at me for my choices? No. I can just imagine him sitting up on his throne chuckling and saying "Marissa, Marissa, when are you going to learn your lesson sweetheart? You just cant eat like that anymore. It's not good for you. Lets try this again, rest now. You will get through this sickness, and I will give you the strength you need to learn how to make better choices in the future. I love you daughter."

So often I feel that people see God as this menacing person ready to strike us down as soon as we mess up. But that is just not the case. Will God stop us from messing up? No. We have lessons to learn from messing up. It makes us more humble, and recognize that we need Him. But he will dust the dirt off us, wipe away our tears, clean off our scrapes and help us stand. He won't strike you down for talking about your friend behind their back. But he will give you the strength to go apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. This doesn't mean there isn't consequences for our actions- You may be physically sick like I am, or you may lose relationships or a job, or anything that has importance to you. But if I have learned nothing else over the past few months it is this: Fire burns brighter in darkness. And sometimes, we have to go through darkness to see how brightly God's light can shine through our brokenness. He will guide you through the pain and hurt of giving up our sinful, painful addictions. And his light will shine so brightly through it, it will be beautiful and soon enough you will not even miss your old ways because you will be in such awe of how much God has changed your life that you could never imagine going back.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Accept God's Grace. Accept that we ALL mess up everyday and we need Him. Take time today to pray and say "God, I am sorry I keep trying to navigate this messy, darkness filled life on my own. I am sorry I keep trying to fill this void in my life with (whatever addiction). Please help me to recognize that while this action feels good in the short term, in the long term I know it will have bad consequences and I want to stop but I cannot do it alone. God I need you." He will help you, I know it. And while it will be painful, the ending will be more amazing than we can comprehend.

You Raise Me Up

I was sitting in church this morning when I looked at the date and I realized this: In less than two months I will have moved to Missouri and started my new job at Shelterwood. As my mind started thinking through everything I needed to do before then, I started panicking. I started thinking "Am I ready for this?! Am I really ready to move and leave everything I know?! How am I going to get everything done that I need to before I leave?! Can I really do this? I'm not so sure anymore."

I became overwhelmed pretty quickly. And then, a lady at my church sang this song while the offering was collected. As I listened to the words, my heart slowly became at peace. "When I am down and, oh, my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;You raise me up to walk on stormy seas; I am strong when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up to more than I can be."

I realized this as I sat there: without Him, I am nothing. I realized that sometimes I begin to rely on other things such as counseling, friends, books, food, movies, etc. to be my "savior" and to "raise me up" from things I don't like or are painful instead of my actual Lord and Savior Jesus. And if I focus on the circumstances, and expect these other things to save me, I will be overwhelmed. I do not handle change well, and so while I fully sure that Shelterwood is where God is leading me next, it is still scary to be leaving everything I know. But I know this, that when I crumble in fear: God is raising me up to be more than I can be. I am strong when I am on his shoulders, he will raise me above anything that I face and help me to become exactly who I am supposed to be.

I also like thinking of this song from the perspective of other people in my life who raise me up. I LOVE my church. It is like one big family and just awesome. While it's not a huge church every week I meet someone new and its wonderful. My pastors and others from my church have definitely been ones to help "raise me up" over the past few months. I have learned so much in the short time I have been there and I will miss it more than words can say when I move.

I also have been "raised up" by friends and others. It is incredible to me how many people have stuck by me on this journey of life and pushed me to grow closer to my Lord and Savior.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: No matter what you are facing, God will raise you up to be more than you ever thought you could be. While sometimes I may still be afraid of what lies ahead, I know that His strength will get me through. And while I am sad to leave people and familiar faces and places behind, I know He will use these people in new ways to raise me up even from miles away and use new people in my new home all to raise me up to be more than I can be. And through that, I will accomplish God's purpose for me. And I couldn't ask for anything more than that!

Day One of the Rest of My Life

I heard this song on January 1st. I really liked it, but I didn't think much of it. I figured I would download it when it actually came out, and that was that. Today, this song became available on Itunes and I decided to download it. As I have sat here listening to this song this morning, I really began to listen to the words and think about their meaning.

Recently I was talking to my therapist about a fight I had had with someone recently and how stupid I thought the fight was. I was expecting her to agree with me, and be happy that I stuck up for myself and held my ground. Instead? She says to me "Marissa, you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. Would it really have been the end of the world if you let them 'win' and just walked away?" My jaw literally dropped and I said "What?!" I simply couldn't believe what she was saying, but when she said it, I knew she was right. You see, often times I have a hard time getting my needs met and being real with people. I can be very manipulative at times, and often resort to arguing to get my point across or to get something that I want. I'm not proud of this, and I have TONS of excuses that I have used over the years to tell myself that this behavior is acceptable. But I realized this yesterday; it's not okay anymore.

I could have a pity party for myself if I wanted to, I could come up with excuse after excuse about why I do things the way I do. I could, and I have for many many years. But I finally have gotten to the point that I am tired of that life. Because with the help of my therapist and God, I've slowly realized that who I am now is not who I used to be, and who I am in the future does not have to be who I am now. My past does not have to define me, or how I treat others. It CAN define me if I continue to allow it to, but it does not have to. I can choose to be different. And everyday is full of God's mercy and grace. Yes, we will screw up. But if we rely on his grace and love he can change our past into a beautiful present.

I feel like this song summarizes exactly where I am at right now. Especially the part that says
"Well, every single day Your grace reminds me that my best days are not behind me. Wherever my yesterday may find me, well, I don't have to stay there. See my hourglass is upside down. My someday soon is here and now. The clock is tickin' and I'm so sick and tired of missing out!" 

I am SO sick and tired of missing out because I've allowed my past to define me! I don't care what is in your past- whether it is abuse, drugs, divorce, depression, your parents abandoning you, lost job, people dying, WHATEVER it may be I want you to recognize this- It does NOT have to define you anymore! You don't have to be ashamed of who you used to be or what happened to you or what you did to others. God is SO much bigger than all of it! And I just want to challenge you all to truly recognize that.... Who you are is not who you have to be! How freeing is that?! I just want to challenge you today to take a step to be able to conquer your past. That may mean calling your pastor and talking with him, or finding a good Christian therapist to work through your pain. It may mean calling someone and apologizing to them for the way you treated them. It may mean simply taking time to spend with your kids and cherishing the time with them that you did not get with your parents.

Whatever it may be I want to encourage you to not be afraid to start over. God will be with you every step. And sometimes, it may feel like a slap in the face like it did for me with my therapist. It's going to hurt, but it is SO worth it! Sometimes, you just need a wake up call to realize that the life you're living doesn't have to be the life that you have forever.

So I hope that you will join me in this: I'm starting over. This is my Day One. And I am so excited to see where God takes me on this journey of freedom!

2014: Another Chapter Coming to a Close

2014. This has truly been a year I will never forget! I have looked forward to this year since 2010- the next BIG year of my life because I would graduate college. I never knew I would have loved this year for so many more reasons than that! I have grown SO much over the past year, it is mind blowing to me! I have experienced joy and heartbreak, I have lost loved ones, grown in my faith immensely and truly began to enjoy this beautiful life God has given me. As I look forward to 2015, I cannot help but get super excited to see where God is going to take me. He took me out of some of the deepest pits of pain and frustration this past year that I have ever experienced this past year and brought joy and healing from them. I can only begin to imagine what 2015 will bring!

So as 2014 comes to a close, I want to share with you a few of the highlights from this past year!

January 

In January I started my Child Life Internship at Beaumont Children's Hospital in Royal Oak, MI. This was definitely a blessing in disguise! It became apparent that the site was not a good fit for me early into my internship, and I struggled quite a bit throughout this time. But, God truly brought me through it and showed me what my true calling is. While I did not see the end of this struggle until mid November, I learned so much about myself from the time I spent at Beaumont and would not change it for anything!! 

 

February

I turned 22, and my peanut turned 2! It has been so awesome watching Levi develop a little personality!! He is definitely one of my favorite people to spend time with! :) 

March 

I finished my Child Life Internship!!!!!!!!!! Turning in my badge was truly one of the happiest days of my life! It was such a relief knowing I was never going to have to go back! 

I was able to take part in my final Middle School Tool Time. I cried so hard, as this is an event that I miss more than words can say!!! It has been SUCH a huge blessing doing these events over the past four years!

April 

McKenzie Grace was born! Definitely the highlight of April, and definitely one of the top highlights of the year!! I love this little girl more than any words can say!! 

May

Graduation!!!!! Ahhhh. It was SUCH a relief to be done with school, but bittersweet about the concept of leaving Concordia. 

LONDON!!!!!!!! Definitely one of the top highlights of the year, if not my life in general. I LOVED this city more than words can say and I truly cannot wait to get back there someday!!!!! I had so much fun, and learned so much about a different culture!

June

In June I started work for one last summer with the Maintenance team. It was definitely the best summer ever!!! My co-workers were so much fun, and we had a blast! I miss them so much!! 

July

I got to go to the Toledo Zoo for the first time in many years with my good friend Andi! We had a blast seeing all the animals and walking around for the day!!

August 

In August I moved out of my dorm at Concordia for the last time. It was very bittersweet with a lot of tears. It is still hard for me to believe that I am already done with school!!

September 

In September I started my job at the BLOCK Youth and Teen Center! It has been such a HUGE blessing working with these kids over the past few months, and my co- workers are awesome! It has been incredible to me to see how God has oriented each step of his plan for me and seeing how each piece is falling into place. 

October

In October I got to see my good friend Jessica in her fall play "Little Women". It was so awesome to hang out with friends and see Jessica shine! :)

November 

In November I got offered the job at Shelterwood!!! I spent months praying about this opportunity, and it was such a HUGE blessing to be given this opportunity! I truly cannot wait to move to Missouri and start working with this incredible ministry!!!! 

December

I had the privelege of singing in my first Boar's Head as a alumni, and I actually got to watch the performance and not perform for the first time ever. The performance brought me to tears, it was so beautiful, and I loved every minute of it!!!

These are some of the more fun things I experienced over this past year... There were also MANY struggles. I had relatives pass away, my car was dead for 3/4 of the year, I had many, many, many financial struggles, friendships fell apart, depression and anxiety wrecked havoc, and I decided to change what I was doing with my life a 1/3 of the way into the year. If I am being honest, this was probably one of the most frustrating, irritating years I have ever experienced. 

But now sitting here at the end, I am humble and amazed. I am blown away to see how God brought me through each of these moments. I could not have gotten through this year on my own- it is in Christ's strength alone that I made it through! I am blessed to see how many friends and family I got to enjoy spending time with, and who stuck with me when times got very tough. 

I posted a pic like the one below last year, and I still love the quote this year. But there is a difference this year, and it's my resolution for 2015. I am not going to be the one writing my story this year. Over the past year, I have worked hard to give control of my life and learn to trust to God, and that is truly my only goal and hope for 2015, that no matter what I face or encounter that I will go about it in a way that is pleasing to God and brings others around me to him. 

This year challenged me in a way that I truly cannot put into words, and yet in a lot of ways I am sad to see it go. It's a little bittersweet, just like most of the this year has been. But if 2014 was this incredible, I can only imagine what 2015 will bring. So here is to a New Year following Jesus and going wherever he leads me! I can't wait! <3 nbsp="" p="">