Take My Life and Let it be Yours!

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." 

Matthew 6:33 

The past few weeks have been "interesting" to say the least. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and overwhelmed by the amount of changes thrown at me this school year. I was drowning in a sea of chaos, with no sign of help coming anytime soon. I talked a few weeks ago about coming out of the "fog" and I went from fog to mass chaos. Luckily, that began to change last night. 

I have been physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I literally was so tired the other morning I couldn't keep my eyes open, and I ended up being 20 minutes late to work. I was frustrated because I can't figure out what is causing me to be so out of it. 
And then, I got to talk to my friend Ashley. It never ceases to amaze me how God uses our conversations to shine some light on what I need to be doing. I was telling her about how I can't focus on anything important, and I am just not myself lately. She then proceded to ask me how my "God time" had been going. I beat around the bush for a bit and then finally admitted that most days I don't have God time. We talked about it for a while, and she convinced me to look at my schedule and schedule some "God time" for every day of the week. 

We then talked about how I couldn't get myself to focus in school because I simply have no motivation to go to my classes or do my schoolwork. She then explained this to me- God has given me the talent or gift of academics. I could get a 4.0 if I actually tried. But most of the time, I slide by with low A's and B's so I don't have to do any work. But, I now have a new perspective. Ashley was telling me last night that God has given me this gift, and so when I use this gift, it brings praise to him. I thought of the story of the ten talents, and about how when the master came back, he wanted to know how his servants used their gifts. What am I going to tell God when I get to heaven? I was too lazy to actually use the gift he gave me?! I can imagine that will go over real well! So, I have decided that this year I am going to do everything within my power to use the gifts that God has given me, and use them to bring glory to Him! 

And then, to connect it all to this verse. My friend Becky did a devo off of this verse last night. She talked about how when God is our first priority, everything else will fall where it needs to be. God has not been my first priority over the past few weeks, even months or close to a year. And I have been miserable to say the least. I gave everything over to God last night, and I gave this school year over to Him.

Today, was amazing. I had more energy than I have had in months. I was able to go work out, and eat normal meals for the most part. I was truly happy, and you couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I spent time with God, and I got all my classes and homework organized for the semester. I have balance in my life for the first time in at least 6 months. I am happy. And blessed. 
So here is my random thought of the day for you- Let God take your life and let it be all for him and for his glory. In everything you do, it should be about him. Even your school work and friendships. When you become God focused instead of you focused, suddenly everything is going to fall into place. And you are going to be happier than you could ever imagine!! I'm not saying that my life is perfect now. Trust me- It's FAR from perfect. But I am happier right now then I have been in months, and I know it is ALL because of HIM! 

Brain Fog

Have you ever driven through a really thick fog? You can't see anything and it is somewhat frightening. My mind has been in a brain fog since I moved back to campus almost three weeks ago. I have been physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained day after day after day. I got to a point where I simply was tired of it. I was tired of everything going "wrong" a.k.a not "my way" and having sucky days every single day. I was tired of being busy, and having to do homework, and do the tasks of daily life. I have been trying to shed some light and get out of this fog for weeks, but it felt like nothing I was doing was working. Every day was still the same, and in some ways it was really scary. But tonight I realized something- everything I was trying truly wasn't working, and I didn't have a solution of my own that would work. In this fog, I completely lost sight of the one solution that would work- Jesus.

Tonight I got to spend some time with Lonnie and Amy. Lonnie is a Family Life student here who has been battling cancer since late January of this year. Their story is incredible. And tonight, he reminded all of us about what it means to be a Christ follower during trials. He asked for prayer for everyone but himself, saying that there is always someone who is in a worse situation than yourself. His strength and reliance on God blew me out of the water. And it blew the fog right out of my mind and shed the light on the one thing that I haven't dug into recently- my faith.

I have had a terrible time the past few weeks missing my friend Ashley who just moved to Mexico for a year. I have cried many tears because I want to see her, talk to her, hug her. I have never gone to Concordia without her here, and I am just not used to not having her here. I have had trouble with some stuff for classes, finances, friend issues, faith issues, dorm situations, and probably much more and it all just took me down. I have some amazing friends here who have stood by my side and held me while I cried and for that I am extremely thankful.

 I went into this year thinking everything would be the same, and I would be just fine. I made myself believe I wouldn't miss Ashley and there would be no tears. I convinced myself that even with all the changes that have taken place, my life here would be the same that it has been for the past 2 years. And I realized tonight, I was wrong.

Things have changed. This is a new year, a new start. I am not the same person I was when I left here in May, nor will I be when I leave again. Change is not bad. "New" is not bad. And yet I have been focusing on the bad and hating the new since before I even got back here. I have been trying to act as if nothing has changed in fear of forgetting how great those things were, and yet in a lot of ways everything has changed. It doesn't mean that these memories are meaningless, or that I will no longer care about someone because they are not physically here or our relationship has changed. It is just new, and different, and it may take some time to adjust and that is okay.

So here is my random thought of the day for you- God has never left you. Even on the foggiest day when you can't see an inch in front of you and you just scream and cry in tears of frustration He is there. Trust Him. He will get you out of this fog eventually, even if it takes weeks like it did for me. He loves you.

It's Freshman Move in Day! I should be excited, not crying, Right?!

Two years ago, almost to the day, I spent my first night of college in Esther dorm. I remember this day, and most of the details that went with it. I know I cried at least once, not sure if this whole "college" thing was going to be as cool as everyone was trying to make it seem. It feels like an eternity ago, and yet it feels like just yesterday at the same time.

And here I am today. Two years later. A completely different person, and I am okay with that fact. I am now part of our student leadership team and today I got to help move in the freshman. As I took a step back I remembered what it was like to be in their shoes- terrified out of my mind and unsure of what lay ahead of me. I moved quite a few girls into Esther today, and then suddenly I couldn't handle it anymore. I literally had to step outside and I burst into tears.

It's move in day! I should have been excited, and happy and thrilled for a new year. But for a moment, I really wasn't. I moved people into my old SLR Ashley's room today, and it cemented one thing into my head: She is gone, things are different, you are no longer a freshman and she isn't coming back for a while. And suddenly, it was like all the emotion hit like a ton of bricks and I couldn't control it and had to step outside for a bit. I am going to miss her terribly, and it made me realize the impact that she has had on my life.

Ashley was exactly my age when she became the SLR of my freshman dorm. 20 and a Junior. I saw her and my RA as leaders, older students who I knew I could look up to and trust. Who I knew would protect me and take care of me. People who would be my friends. And I realized today that there are girls here who may grow to look up to me the way I look up to her. And in a lot of ways that scares the crap out of me. It's not that I don't think I could be there friend, or love them, or help them fall more in love with Jesus. It's just the fact that I still feel like a baby freshman sometimes. I still feel like I just got here and have so much more to learn. How could someone depend on me, if a lot of times I feel like I am in the same place as them?.

I know if God wants this to happen it will, even if I don't trust him to use the abilities he has given me. I am scared to possibly be an "older sister" to these girls. What if I let them down? I think this post is a little deeper than some of the stuff that I usually write. I may not feel ready to be this person in a freshmans life, but God has a plan for it.

So here is my random thought of the day: It is okay to cry. It is okay that I "ruined" move in day for myself to let myself take 5 min and cry. It is okay that Ashley is leaving, and that I am scared out of my mind to be her role in my life to someone else. It's okay because I know God is in control and will do whatever he needs to do in my life. So trust him, and let the tears flow. He has got you in his hands. 

4 Semesters Down, 4 to Go!

It's that time of year again. Tomorrow I move back on campus to start my Junior year. I wrote a very similar post at this time last year, but my feelings were completely different. I am thrilled to say that the majority of my anxiety for this year has gone away, at least for the past few days. I know there are gonna be a TON of changes this year, and probably some that I don't like all that much. I know I am going to miss my friend Ashley terribly, and there will be hard days. But I know this as well- God has me at Concordia for a reason. It becomes more evident to me every day that I am there. I am beyond excited to see what he has planned for me this year, I cannot even put it into words.

I am beyond excited to get to live in a newly renovated dorm, and to be surrounded by a dorm full of people that I love. I am excited for spiritual life training and to grow deeper in my faith and as a person. I am soooooooo excited to see some of my best friends who I haven't seen since May, and to be back at the place I consider my 2nd home.

So here we go. I am choosing to let my faith be bigger than my fear. It's going to be an exciting ride- and I can't wait. Next time you hear from me I will be somewhere on Concordia's wonderful campus! Please be praying for me as I start out on this new chapter of my life!! :)

Change is Coming

Fall is right around the corner. It's hard to believe considering I still feel like summer just started. I love the change in seasons- the gorgeous colors of the trees and the cool fall nights. I love when the leaves fall off the trees and everywhere you walk you can hear them crunching. 

I was thinking today about all the changes that are coming for me this fall. Every day I am having to convince myself to not be worried about it and to trust that everything will be great. Don't get me wrong- I am beyond excited to go back to school. There is just such a great amount of unknown that it makes me uncomfortable.

I was going to write something to my friend Stephanie on Facebook earlier today and I saw one of her statuses from a few days ago; "Have no fear that the leaves are falling, it just means you are changing seasons. Let the tears fall as they may. Maybe something beautiful will spring up. Sometimes the dirt has to be ravaged before the pretty little seed can burst up in joy again." It totally made me stop in my tracks and look at this coming fall and other changes in our life from a new perspective. Every time change happens, we are entering a new season of life. We may be thrilled about the change, (winter to spring) or really unhappy (fall to winter). We are going to have gorgeous days (think blue skys, 75 degrees) and nasty days (snow.) But you can't have seasons without both. It just wouldn't be right. Our lives are the same way. 

I don't like that a new season is coming. I want the sunny and 75 days to stick around 24/7, but that isn't how life works. It's okay that the leaves are changing color and falling, it's okay if I cry. This season of my life is coming to an end. And while I may not like it, God may need to do some work in my life and let me rest during the winter before the new flowers of spring can burst through the soil again. There are going to be moments of this season that I love, and moments that I wish didn't happen. But through it all I know this- God is in control of the weather. He isn't going to let anything happen during this season that I can't handle with his help.

So here we go. A new season is coming, and instead of trying to fight it, and keep convincing myself that maybe I can stop it, I am going to start trying to embrace it. 

(Insert interesting post title here)

Today is my 20.5 birthday. I have been alive for approximately 7,482.5 days. Thats kind of crazy to think about. In some ways, it seems like nothing. In other ways it seems like a really long time. It is kind of crazy for me to think that I am going to be 21 in 6 months. It seems like not that long ago I was in elementary school. 21 is a really big deal in our society- it is the age when you are truly considered an adult. And yet, our brains aren't fully formed until age 25. Funny how that works.

I have a lot going on in my life right now. It's crazy to me to think that in a week from Friday I will be moving back on campus to start my Junior year of college. I feel like I was just a freshman, how can I possibly be a Junior already?! This fall I am going to be starting some new things that are really going to prepare me for my career. It is kind of scary to think about. I'm not sure that I am ready to be a full fledged adult yet. I still enjoy sleeping in and eating junk food and watching cartoons. I literally have a week left of summer vacation. Although, I will admit this has not been very "vacation" like at all. It is going to go by so fast, and in some ways I am ready to go back, but in some ways I am really not ready for all the changes this fall is going to throw at me.

I feel like I am on the edge of something big, and yet I have no idea what it is. I just know it is going to be great, and God is in control. I just spent an hour reading over some of my posts from the last 2 years. My life has changed so much, and it is incredible to me. I never thought I would be doing or saying some of the things I am now, but God has known about every detail since the beginning.

Life is amazing. I hope you are realizing that or you will realize it someday. As I read over this post, it seems so crazy and jumping from one thing to another. But that is what my life is like, so I guess this is a good representation!!

I'm not sure if I really had a specific point in mind with this post. Maybe I did. I don't really know. Usually I do. But I guess just know this- God has a plan for you. Even when your thoughts seem random and scattered like mine feel tonight, God is going to use each and every one of them. Don't worry- Be happy. Don't get mad, get Glad. He has got this in his hands, and eventually he will play connect the dots and show you the big picture and show you how all of your random thoughts are connected to make something amazing.

Precious, Sacred, Memories

This, is my grandpa's tractor. I remember the last time he took me for a ride. I was probably nine or ten years old and we rode all around his yard and back through the woods. He even taught me how to drive. I got hit in the face a couple of times by some tree branches, but it was something I will never forget. That moment when he said to me, "Rissa, go grab your jacket. I'm gonna show you how to drive the tractor today!" Today, memories like this flooded my heart and brought tears of joy and of pain.

My grandpa had a major heart attack today, and during the longest 2 hour drive of my life we thought we might lose him. We still aren't totally sure what happened. He is stable, and we are thankful. But it really made me take a step back and remember all the precious moments I have shared with this man I call Grandpa.

Some of my earliest memories are from spending the summers up at my grandparents cottage. The sweet smell of "Up North" and the rustling of trees. Campfires every night, too many marshmallows to count, and the loud clinking of horseshoes. I loved the spiral climbing stairs, and the homeyness of their cabin. I loved camping out with my cousins, and coming up with too many adventures to count. I loved digging in the dirt and screaming every time my feet touched a lilly pad in the lake. I loved getting up early with him to feed the ducks, and coming home to warm blueberry pancakes for breakfast made by my grandma. I loved our watermelon seed spitting contests, hearing him whistle a tune, and most of all his laugh. I loved that he could just look at the shy, impatient grin on my face and know that I wanted him to take me three wheeling. I miss the wind flying though my helmet covered hair as we sped down the dirt roads and through the woods and my mom yelling for him not to go so fast! I remember when he let me drive by myself for the first time and I kept running into a giant tank in their yard over and over again and he would just laugh and laugh before he came to help me.

I remember when he backed his jeep into our van and broke our headlight. I remember when we would go to the moose for breakfast and I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. I remember when they would get to our house for Christmas Eve and it was like suddenly everything was more fun. I remember Easter egg hunts, and Christmas Eve's and all the special moments a kid should remember at their house. I remember when our power went out and he came and "rescued" me and took me to his house to spend the weekend with my cousins while my parents were home in the cold. I remember hours of picking blackberries back in his woods, and Grandma making blackberry cobbler for all of us. I remember walking down the rows of his garden as he taught me about the plants and we would pick ripe things to eat for dinner.

I remember the tears when I found out he had cancer, and they weren't sure if he was going to make it. I remember the fear of not knowing if I would ever see him being himself ever again. And now, I will always remember today- August 6th, 2012. The day I almost lost my grandpa. I will remember the fear during the long drive, my almost inability to hold back my tears, and I will remember trusting that Jesus would make everything okay in the end. I will never forget seeing my grandma's face when we got off the elevator, and her look of relief and joy when she told us he was stable. I will never forget the long walk back to his room, not sure of how he was going to be. But most of all, I will never forget walking into his room and hearing him whistle a little and his voice saying "Well golle, I didn't think all of you were gonna be comin up here. Well hello sweet girl! How is school? You best be keeping those grades up right?" Those were some of the sweetest, most wonderful words I have ever heard in my life. My grandpa, in the ICU extremely sick, and he still wants to know that I am keeping my grades up. I will never, ever forget that moment.

My grandpa isn't out of the woods yet. They have surgeries to do and tests to run. But I know one thing- I will never, ever forget today. Thats my random thought of the day for you- Don't let these precious, sacred, memories go right on by. Sights, smells, and sounds may seem pointless to remember right now, but one day, you may be clinging on to them and cherishing them more than you ever realized. We aren't promised tomorrow- remember that. Tell someone you love them, give them another hug, because tomorrow may be too late.