2015- The Fastest Year of My Life

New Year's Eve 2015. My first thoughts? "Holy crap! It's over?! Where did 2015 go?! Wasn't I just sitting in my living room writing a blog post a few days ago about how excited I was for 2015 and living in Missouri?! WOAH." And now here I sit thinking over the great moments of this year, and the awful moments of this year, pondering if next year will be better or worse.

I am a HUGE goals person. I like structure, lists, and checklists. I like feeling accomplished when I set out to do something and actually accomplish it. I love checking in with myself at the end of every year and seeing what goals I was able to accomplish, and readily setting new goals for the next year.

But this year? Something is different. I don't have the motivation to set goals for next year. All I can think about when I think about 2015 is "Thank God I survived." Was it a bad year? No. Not at all. My time at Shelterwood was HARD don't get me wrong. A lot was painful, and a lot was brought up and thrown in my face. My character was challenged every single day, and refined to be more Christlike in all I say and do. But that being said, I feel like 2015 put me through a ringer. I am exhausted, and looking forward to a year with more stability, and praying for less chaos. I look back on all the lessons that God has taught me over this year, and I am beyond amazed and thankful for all the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. And if I had the chance, I wouldn't change the experiences that I have had this year.

I met SO many amazing people this year- Elise, Bailey, Caitlin, Jessica, Kari, Amy, all my littles, and so many more forever friends. My relationships with family and friends became stronger even though I was MIA for most of the year and unable to communicate well or take care of myself sometimes. My faith has increased SO MUCH and I couldn't really ask for much more than that. 2015 was filled with many great adventures to see many friends- I got to go to many different states that I hadn't been to before- Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and DC. I got to see lots of cool movies, hang out with many friends, read some great books, had lots of wonderful coffee dates, learn more about myself, eat really cool foods, explore new places, and overall had a wonderful time.

So here is to 2016. I don't have a resolution in mind. I don't have a bunch of things I want to change about myself. I just want to have a year where I feel free to be me in whatever context that may bring- both good times and bad times. I know God will use it all for His glory and I am excited to look back at this time next year and see where he led me.

If you're reading this, thanks for doing life with me, and taking time to read this. You're a gem! Happy New Year!

Month 9 Update- My Hope is in Him Alone

I realize this post is a few days past the 16th, but I figure better late than never. I've had a LOT going on the past few weeks, so remembering to do small things has been quite a challenge. How have I been this month? I feel like the picture is a good representation- I feel like I am going through fire. 

It's starting to become really real to me that I am never going back to Shelterwood. I've watched on Facebook this month as girls who are very near and dear to my heart have been graduating and it is seriously killing me that I am not there. I miss them everyday. People ask me all the time if I am glad to be home. Yes, I am glad that I am home so that I can make my health a priority. But other than that? No, I am not so thrilled about it. Yes, there are perks to being home, a lot of them at that. 

I got to see my friend Jessica for the first time since August this weekend. It was the first time I had seen someone from Shelterwood since I left. We had a really good time together, and I realized how much I truly miss the work I was doing and the girls, and my co-workers. After I dropped her off at the airport I cried. A lot. I listened to the song by MercyMe "Homesick". I'm homesick for the good times I had at Shelterwood. I'm homesick for all the good memories I made before things changed at the end of the summer. I am homesick for fun times with my girls and crazy laughs and deep talks with my co-workers. 

I think of the Israelite slaves who were homesick for Egypt because it was comforting and familiar regardless of the fact that they were slaves, and I feel like a slave longing for Egypt. They didn't want to go back to slavery- but they did want to go back to an "easy" life where they didn't have to figure anything out. They simply did as they were told. I don't miss working 80 hours a week. I don't miss horribly intense panic attacks. I don't miss having limited free time and never getting to see or talk to my family or friends. But there are a LOT of good things that I do miss, and things that I miss that were not good for me. I miss being able to put my girls first and myself second and ignore what was going on in my heart even though that was NOT healthy at all. I miss being SO busy that I never had time to take care of myself. Again NOT healthy at all. But in a lot of ways it was easier than the season I am in right now because it was predictable and familiar.  I know that God brought me home for many reasons. He is working in my heart in ways I could have never comprehended. I thought of this part of the song "Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know but, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more homesick than now." I don't understand what God is doing right now. I don't understand why he lead me to Missouri only to bring me home after what felt like wayyy too soon. I don't understand why He allowed the circumstances to come together so that I had to leave Shelterwood in a traumatic way and not say goodbye to many people that I love dearly. But I feel like if I even if I did completely understand why He brought me home, the pain would be the same. I would still miss my girls, and the pain of him chiseling away my impurities would still be excruciatingly painful. 

I wish I could say I wasn't still bitter. I wish I could say I wasn't angry anymore that I am home, but in reality? I am. My heart is frail, and hurting. My emotions have been all over the place this month, and it has frustrated me in so many ways but as I sit here typing this I know God is healing me, and in order to heal it has to hurt for a bit. I know from past the pain will slowly get easier with time, one minute at a time. I am starting two new jobs next month, Christmas is coming, and I know God is working. I thought of another song while I was writing this that I first heard at a church called Redeemer in Kansas City. Take time to listen to it, you won't regret it. 

I love the part "When my pressings faint Lord, I know you hear, though I can barely speak

And I beg of you please draw me near, for I am much too weak. For God alone my soul wait in silence. For my hope is from him in God alone." I can barely speak right now- my energy and time is limited and my heart hurts more often than it doesn't. But I know God is working. And I am choosing to keep my trust and hope in Him because I know He will not fail me now. So here we go. Another month down, another one to go. The main thing I have learned this month? That I am really proud of myself for leaving Shelterwood even though I didn't want to. I am really proud of myself for trusting God to carry me through even though the waters have been rough and deep. I am really proud of myself for pushing on, when a lot of times my circumstances tell me not to. I have no interest in quitting. I will keep pushing on because God is not through with me yet, and my hope is in Him alone.

Month 8 Update! It's Time to Let the World See What You're Made Of!

(Disclaimer: I am SO sorry if this is all over the place. I am just really happy and my brain often goes faster than my fingers can type. My sincerest apologies! :) ) 

Eight months. WOW! It seriously feels like just yesterday I was walking through the doors of Shelterwood, and yet here I sit at my favorite spot- Washtenaw Ave Starbucks in good ol' Michigan. And yet, I am AMAZED and THRILLED to be here. I couldn't say that a month ago. A month ago? I was bitter, angry, hurting and truly not okay in any sense of the word. But seriously, watching God transform my life this past month has been unbelievable! I am truly the happiest and most alive that I have ever been in my life. Do I still get anxious? Absolutely. Do I still struggle with depression occasionally? Absolutely. And yes, I am still only working part time and living with my parents. But you wanna know what changed? I stopped fighting it, and I stopped hating myself for where I was at in life. 

I walked out of Shelterwood feeling like the biggest piece of crap EVER. I felt like a failure that would never work with kids ever again. I felt like my past was 100% going to dictate my future, and there wasn't really a lot of hope left for me. In short, I was a MESS. A hot mess. I had gotten SO wrapped up in so many things that happened to me while I was at the 'wood and in my past that I had literally buried myself in pain and regret and could not get myself out. I saw no purpose for the pain I had experienced, and was so unsure of what I was even going to do with myself once I survived my year at Shelterwood and came back to Michigan. And when I finally left? It reinforced to myself what an utter failure I was, and I was so so ashamed and had a rough couple weeks when I first returned to Michigan.  

But one day after another bought with anxiety and a minor panic attack because yet again I couldn't find a full time job after searching for HOURS I took a deep breath and said to myself "Marissa, honey, this has got to stop. You've got to give yourself some grace! Think about all the GOOD things you learned at Shelterwood. You would never put these expectations on someone else in your shoes, so why do it to yourself? You are a human BEING not a human DOING. God will provide. It's okay to just BE where you are. No one is judging you, its gonna be okay." And with that, I stopped. I stopped hating myself for not being able to work full time. I stopped beating myself up every time I wanted to take a nap. I stopped nagging myself to apply for jobs. I let myself eat when I was hungry, sleep when I wanted to sleep, I admitted to friends when I was having a bad day. I started being honest with my counselor again. In reality? I started to LIVE again, maybe for the first time in my life. And my heart has flourished! It's incredible!!!! The only answer? God. I have prayed more in this past month than I think I have ever before, simply praying that God would give me the desire for HIS plan for my life and not my own, and give me the strength to simply rest and let Him handle the tough stuff. 

I have LOVED this song from the moment I heard it, it has been my anthem for the month to say the least! 

I love it all, but these parts especially: 

Sometimes the world feels like a mess

Full of drama, full of stress

And life puts a fist right in your ribs

You can hide if you choose to

And no one would even blame you

Or you can let them see how you deal with it

That even in the darkest place

His love can make you radiate!

(chorus)

Doesn’t matter how deep, how dark the night is

Keep hoping, keep on shining

And they’ll see His light burning in your heart!

And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up

Let the world see what you’re made of

That His love’s alive in your deepest parts

Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are

He made you to glow in the dark! 

I loved the part that says "You can hide if you choose to and no one would even blame you! Or you can let them see how you deal with it, that even in the darkest place His love can make you radiate!" That hit me one day, and I was like "Okay world! It's time to show you what I'm made of- JESUS!" I was praying at church yesterday and God brought this verse to my mind:

Satan intends to use my pain against me, and he got me pretty good while I was at the 'wood. He got me more defeated than I thought I had ever been in my life. BUT. God also brought SO MUCH STINKING GOOD out of it I just want to proclaim it from the rooftops because through it I found HIM. I found Jesus! And God will NOT let this pain go to waste, He promises that many times throughout the word. We just have to choose to believe it. And finally? I am choosing to believe it! 

My "plan" (I use that loosely now lol) looks a lot different now than I thought it would even 2 months ago. But I know this is the right plan for me. I am applying for nannying jobs, and jobs working with kids and teens as I pay back my student loans and work on some stuff in counseling. This is where my priority is right now, and that's totally okay! My later plan is to start grad school in the near future and go back to school to become a counselor and get my certification as a play therapist. I cannot, cannot wait to use children's natural language (play) and guide them to healing through the love of Jesus. I want to guide children and parents to the love of Jesus and show them who can truly save their lives. Who can blow up the chains of depression, anxiety, and addiction through HIS name alone! So no. I am not finishing my "year" I may not be a Shelterwood graduate. But you know what?  I am not now, nor have I EVER been a failure. This year has still ROCKED my world and I am forever eternally grateful and I can't wait to see how God continues working! It's gonna be phenomenal, and I am thankful you are coming along on the ride with me! 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are NOT a failure. It does not matter if the CEO or President of your company tells you that you are- YOU ARE NOT because GOD says so! You can shine wherever you are, and I hope and pray that this encourages you today to take a look at the lies that you believe about yourself and challenge yourself to let God rock your world and show you who you really are through him!

Life is a Climb, but the View is Great

I just finished day two of working at Concordia once again. If you had told me a year ago that at this time next year I'd be back living at home and working at Concordia doing maintenance, I would have told you you were BEYOND crazy because I would never let that happen! I was getting a real job! But in reality? Here we are. And surprisingly, I am okay with it.

You see, at first I was horribly embarrassed to be home, working a job like maintenance barely able to sleep, eat and function like a normal person sometimes. I was so anxious about going to work my first day... All I could think was "What will my profs think?! What will my mentors think?! What will students I know think?! Everyone is going to be SO disappointed in me!" But in reality? It went TOTALLY fine! I was greeted with excitement, compassion, warm hugs and prayers. I quickly realized? This is okay. This season is okay. I am okay. No, the situation is far from ideal. But after talking with my former profs and mentors it became more and more clear to me that this is EXACTLY where God needs me right now, and I am more loved by my Concordia family than I have ever realized.

As I have worked the past two days, realizing quite quickly that the physical task of cleaning is exactly what my mind and body need right now to keep healing and moving forward, I have had a thought run through my head:

"I wish someone would have told me that I didn't have to have my life completely figured out right after college." 

I wish someone would have told me I might not land my "dream job" as soon as I crossed the stage. 

I wish someone would have told me that life after college might be a rollercoaster, and not a smooth ride.

I wish someone would have told me that it is completely okay and acceptable to work jobs like maintenance or food service just to make a living even if you have a college degree. 

I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be to no longer be living with my best friends and have them available to me 24/7. 

I wish someone would have told me that I might still be trying to figure out how to be an adult at 23. 

I wish someone would have told me that I would probably still be working through personal stuff at 23. 

I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to work at a job because I love it even if it doesn't make me a lot of money. 

I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to get overwhelmed, and that they'd be there to walk me through it. 

I wish someone would have told me just how hard, but incredibly exciting this whole experience would be. 

I caught a glimpse of some of these ideas right after I graduated. In one of my sessions my therapist said to me "Marissa, transitioning out of college was the hardest thing I've ever done and experienced other than childbirth, especially if you have no one to guide you and walk you through it and most people don't." At the time, I thought she was crazy. Boy was I so so wrong! 

College is like the honeymoon phase of life. You get this great idea of what you want to do with your life, and you are given a bunch of tools to make that a reality. And in reality? You will!.... Eventually. It's not an overnight process for most. And for some it is, and they land their dream job right off the bat and it all appears great. But in reality? Being an adult is still hard even while it is super super exciting. And I am finally realizing that it is okay to simply just stop and breathe. It's okay for me to take a season to take care of myself. It's okay for me to sit down and think through what steps I want to take next. It's okay for me to be working maintenance indefinitely. Because in reality? My life is just getting started. And I would rather take the time now while I am reasonably young to really take care of myself and set myself up for success in the future. I hope this is an encouragement for those soon to be graduating or who have just graduated. I hope it helps you realize that you dont have to have your life all together when you walk across that stage. I hope for those who are way past graduating this encourages you to encourage someone in my age range. Take them out for coffee. Buy them a tank of gas. Take them out to the movies. Encourage them. Love on them. Chances are they probably need it and will appreciate it! 

Month 7- To Every Thing There is a Season

Well here we are. Another month gone, and here I sit at Starbucks. Again. ;) Technically my 7 months isn't till tomorrow, but as this has been a beyond crazy and not typical month I think it's perfectly acceptable to post a day early.

As many of you know, but many do not-I'm in Michigan, not Missouri. I'm home. I've struggled with what exactly to write in this update, only knowing that it still needed to happen, even if it hurts my heart to write it. I know that this part of sharing is part of my grieving process, and I need to do it in order to start healing.

This blog is not the place for my dirty laundry- I am not here to bash myself or Shelterwood. Personally I love them both for their good qualities. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes that that talks about how there is a time for everything under the sun, dancing and mourning. When I first made the decision a few months ago to most likely end my time with Shelterwood, I was confused and angry at myself and at God. I was angry that God would lead me to a place only to have me leave a short 6.5 months later. And yet in my heart it was clear- God had fulfilled his purpose for me at Shelterwood and it was time to go. And I fought that for a good long time. Well over a month. I sat and argued with God, and my co-workers as I sank farther and farther into a pit of knowing that I was trying to make myself fit in a place where I no longer belonged, but I desperately wanted to belong more than anything in the world. And yet, as hard as I fought I just couldn't make it work. And in a lot of ways that crushed me, but in a lot of other ways it empowered me.

I made the decision to leave Shelterwood, and while it did not go how I planned at all, I know God still had a hand in it. Nothing that happened to me while I worked there was out of his control or his hand. Other than deciding to quit Child Life, this is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I miss my girls more than any words can say. I miss doing life changing work. I miss pouring into peoples lives every moment of every day. But in reality? There is a reason I left. I left because I had to take care of myself and working at Shelterwood made it difficult for me to do that. I left to take care of myself and my health, because what kind of example would I be to my girls if I was teaching them self care and boundaries, yet I had no self care or boundaries for myself? I have to keep telling myself that the best thing for them, and the best thing for myself and everyone else in my life was to leave, come home and heal.

That doesn't mean I am not heartbroken. I've only been home a little over a week, and it feels like its been an eternity. I wonder everyday if I made the right decisions? If I handled things the right way? If If I could have done something better, to make it easier? But in reality I know- that everything happened exactly how it was supposed to even if it was horrible. This past week has shown me the true value of who actually matters in my life and is a true support for me, and who was just along for the ride to see what they could gain by being my "friend".

I don't walk away from Shelterwood feeling like a failure, although some felt that I was because I did not finish my "year". I got home and felt that I had to immediately convince the world that I am not a failure! I had to give it one last fight, and show the world that my life is filled with purpose, and I will not let anyone label me like that! I was angry and bitter and hurt, and I would be lying if I said those seeds are not still present. In reality, I've had to pick myself up off the floor in defeat MANY times since I've been home and realized that I have nothing to prove to anyone. It's a journey. And journeys have up and downs. And while I am definitely in the "down" part of the journey right now, my heart can still say this: I walk away from Shelterwood my life being changed. I walk away knowing more about myself, and my past, and what needs to change for my future. I walk away with some incredible relationships that I know will be life long friends, and girls that have touched my heart in a way I cannot describe and I miss more than anything on earth. I may not be able to be a daily part of their life, but I can pray for them. I can love them from afar. I walk away knowing that I am not the same. I walk away with a real relationship with God, that is based on love and his forgiveness and mercy and grace instead of fear. And I can't ask for anything more than that.

I came to Shelterwood completely broken. I was depressed, and my life was a mess. I had NO idea what God wanted me to do with my life, and I was desperate for something to change. I got to the wood, and I met some of these incredible humans:

The August Bigs. Wow. You are an incredible group. You each challenged me and encouraged me in a way that is hard to put into words. While sometimes it was sitting praying with me, and talking to Jesus, other times it was one of you knowing I was going to have a panic attack and getting me ice cubes before the words could leave my mouth. You all challenged me to be exactly who God created me to be. You told me when I did things right, and called me out when I did things wrong and showed me a better way to do them. You encouraged me to stay at Shelterwood, and cried with me when I started talking about leaving. From deep conversations, movie nights, and climbing the rafters on nightwatch, Thank you. Thank you for showing me the love of Christ in such real, incredible inspiring ways and showing me what it means to be a real, true servant of Christ. 

My Roommates (Plus Kathy who wasn't present for the picture) Wow.
Elise, my Facebookless friend who will never see this ;) Thank you. Thank you for encouraging me from the moment I got to Shelterwood. Before we even met, you were such an encouragement to me. You never ever ever judged me, even when I was in an angry rage and upset you simply loved. You simply brought it all back to Jesus. I love your quiet spirit, and your gentle encouragement. I loved our deep nightwatch talks, and rotating naps, and laughs about your weird drinks. I miss movie nights, and junk food and trips to thrift stores, and simply talking about how incredible Jesus is.
Emily, while I only knew you a short time before I left, Thank you. Thank you for always being a sounding board for me, and encouraging me no matter what the cost. Thank you for checking in on me after I'd left and simply being a caring, loving person. The love of Jesus is SO evident in you, you are going to do incredible things for the kingdom!
 I miss you so much my sweet friends. Thank you for being a part of my journey through the wood. 

These ladies. These ladies held the girl's house down like CHAMPS!
Kari, Lisa, Clara, Renee- you all have such an incredible way of meeting people right where they are at.  You all have your things that you especially enjoy, and God seems to lead people to you who need exactly where you've been, or what you enjoy. Like Clara and her cats, or Kari and baseball or Lisa and deep conversations or Renee and biking. You find the thing in people that makes them "them"  and inspires them and you run with it. You radiate Jesus. I've had hard conversations about many things with all of you, and it always blew my mind how you found the strength to keep pressing on, and to keep loving our girls. Thank you for challenging all of us, and pushing us to grow, and to take care of ourselves at all costs. I will remember the many life lessons I caught while watching you all do life and ministry with each other, with us on staff, and with our girls, and use them for the rest of my life. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a Godly leader, and how to truly disciple those younger than me. 

These people BLEW. MY. MIND. And this isn't even all of them! The way they showed love and compassion, and grace was unfathomable. I did not understand it AT ALL. I was SO curious! I was like how on earth do they do this?! Where does this "love" come from?! How do they know how to do this? How can I learn?! And I very very soon realized- it had NOTHING to do with them. At all. It was all about Jesus. And that frustrated me.

I spent a long time questioning why these people had joy in their faith and I simply didn't. I asked a lot of questions, brought up a lot of insecurities, and tried to understand a lot. And God worked in that in an incredible way. He made himself real to me, and is continuing to do so. By coming to Shelterwood, I found God. The real God, the Father that I have run from and despised for so long. In reality? I'm still finding Him. I've got a LOT of things that the world has made me believe about faith that are far from true. But, I've realized there is NO way I am coming out of Shelterwood a failure, because I am finally finding Jesus, and what more could be a success story?!

This song is my Shelterwood theme song as I call it, because it is exactly the journey God has taken me on these past 6 months and is continuing to take me on now. Enjoy :)

So here is my random thoughts of the day for you: I am still broken. I am hurting a lot right now. If you see me, be gentle. My emotions are sporadic, and sometimes I cry about random things. But, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am right where God needs me for this next step of my journey, as painful as it may be I am home for a season of healing, and learning, and I am content. God is revealing himself more and more to me and I couldn't ask for anything else. I would appreciate your prayers, grace, and encouragements. Thank you all for your support and love on this journey. I am still planning on posting monthly updates, I think the 16th will forever stand out in my memory, and is a nice reminder for me to slow down and think about what God is teaching me.

It's the Final Countdown! 6 months down, 6 to go!

Here we are. My 6 months came and went yesterday and I honestly was a bit shocked when I realized it was my 6 months. I was like HOLY COW. I am halfway done with my year here. Where did the time go?! I still feel brand new, what is this madness?! This past month has most definitely been the hardest for me. I've cried more and been more frustrated than ever before here at the 'wood. I have questioned God many many times, wondering what on earth I am doing here and if I should just give up and go home. It's gotten harder as I've gotten to know the girls, the attacks from them are more personal, and yet at the same time their apologizes are more sincere. Its been beautiful to see their hearts change slowly but surely and heart breaking to see some of them simply not be ready to make the change. I wish I had a simple summary to explain what God has been teaching me this month. I think the biggest thing I have started learning this month is this- God is constant when nothing in my world is constant. God is the same through the trial and the change, and His definition of me and what he thinks of me is not changing day to day based on my performance. I've realized how much I assume that people define me and see value in me only based on what I do for them, and how I feel that I build my relationships around what I can do for people and what they can do for me and honestly that is a sad life. I've struggled with letting my co-workers know the real me, and my struggles simply because life here is hard, and I already have so much on my plate that sometimes I just don't want to take the time to get to know people. I've worked my butt off trying to prove my worth to them, and it's cost me greatly. Because in reality? They know my worth without me proving it to them. I've just got to teach my brain that and let myself begin to accept that even if I never did another nice thing for anyone ever again there would still be people who love me, which my brain really cant understand. I've tried to be the hero over and over again, and I finally have reached my limit. I started getting sick this week and I reached the point today where I said to my co-workers "I can't take on 500 things today and help everyone. I physically can't. I need reminders to let other people step in and do things." And yet throughout it all, God hasn't changed. He simply whispers in my ear day after day "I'm still here. I still love you and I am still for you." My relationship with God has become SO much more real. Sometimes I sit and ponder why I am here at Shelterwood when I'd rather be at home with my niece and nephew with a real job and an apartment, working at a job where I don't get called awful, horrendous names simply because I told someone to come inside. And yet then I remember-God is real to me now. I get it. My faith is no longer a checklist, but a lifestyle. I recognize my need for God and I want Him. And thats all that really matters in the long run. Have I built the lifelong friendships here with people that I dreamed of when I decided to come here? At this point probably not. Do I have amazing relationships with my littles like I dreamed of? Not exactly. But is that all okay? Yes. It is. Because while this experience hasn't been anything like I dreamed it would be, it's changed my life. Although I cannot say I've reached the point where I'd say I wouldnt change any of it, I know its all been for my good. And even though the hardest parts, God is teaching me that He is my constant. Not what others think of me. And for the first time in my life, I am actually starting to believe it. Praise Him!

So here we are. Another 6 months ahead. At least thats the plan. God may make me leave early or stay longer, but I am leaving that part up to Him. Please continue praying for myself and my girls, and the staff that God would meet us each where we are at. Pray for wisdom for staff, encouragement and strength for the girls, and perseverance and clarity for myself.

Musings from the Mitten

Here we are. Coming to the close of a 6 day vacation. It's been crazy, busy, and wonderful. I've learned so much about myself over the past week, and truly seen how much I've grown and changed in the past 5 months, its really incredible. I had two major thoughts and life lessons that have poured through my mind this week. The first? These two.

Nothing has filled my heart like spending time with these two this week. Watching them run, jump, scream, laugh and play has brought me SO much joy! I had a moment as I was watching Levi play a few days ago, where I thought "If God feels the same way about us, that I feel about these kids, I finally understand His love." The love I have for these kids is overwhelming, empowering. I would do anything for them, anything to protect them. I would jump in front of a moving train for them if I had to. Sometimes, I have to disappoint them. I have to let them get hurt. I have to punish them so that they can learn. And yet, it just blows my mind the overpowering love and compassion I have for them. They could screw up a million times, and I will never stop loving them. I haven't seen them in 5 months, and yet when I saw them for the first time, I almost cried. It didn't matter. I didn't hate them for not talking to me, all I cared about was that I got to spend the next six days with them. God is the same way. He isn't going to be mad at us for straying away. He isn't going to stop talking to us if we don't make time for Him everyday. He is just going to be patiently waiting for us to come back to Him, just like I was patiently waiting in the airport for Levi. He just loves us, and craves that time with us. Wow. How beautiful is that?! 

Second lesson? I've learned to cherish the small things. Like taking a shower. At Shelterwood, everything is scheduled for the girls right down to when they are allowed to use the bathroom. When I first got there, my entire perspective was that they were at Shelterwood for a reason, and there are reasons why we have rules. I have had one of my girls say to me ALL the time- "Marissa, I wish you'd just understand how frustrating it is to have someone telling you ALL the time what you can do and what you can't do. Sometimes I just want to be 16 and take a shower when I want to take a shower!" I'd always reply that I did understand how frustrating that is, and I am sorry that she couldn't do what she wanted when she wanted. But I didn't really understand. Now? I understand. I have had the luxury of taking a shower when I want. Eating what I want whenever I want. Taking a nap whenever I wanted. Playing games. Watching TV. I forgot HOW AMAZING normal life is! Holy crap! And if I am being honest, its gonna be SUPER hard going back to Shelterwood tomorrow and my very very structured life. It's also given me an amazing new sense of compassion for my girls, and realizing how much it sucks to be told what you're doing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

It's been quite the week. I'd be lying if I said I was ready to go back to Shelterwood no questions asked. The vacation has been wonderfully refreshing and relaxing. It's gonna kill me to leave my kiddos, my friends, mentors and family. But at the same time? I miss my Shelterwood munchkins. I've spent some serious time reflecting over this break and praying about my time there, and I am ready to get back to the ministry God has called me to. I am coming back refreshed and rejuvenated, and ready to make some changes to my life there. It's bittwersweet, but exciting. I am ready to see how God is going to work in my last 7 months at the 'wood. So here we go. It's been beautiful Michigan, but this girl's gotta get back to the 'wood!