It's Time to Do Something

Before/After pictures at Ford Early Learning Center

As those close to me know, I recently started attending a new church about 2 months ago. If you never have switched churches before, let me tell you: it is a very scary experience. But! God had been putting it on my heart for a long time that I needed better community in my life, and that was hard to accomplish at my old church even though I loved it immensely. So, I took a giant leap of courage, and decided to dive in deep to a new church and community. I decided that I was going to do things that I have always been terrified to do and I jumped right in and signed up for a Serve Day at Ford Early Learning Center in Ypsi. yesterday.

I am no stranger to lower income neighborhoods ways of life, most choices made out of necessity not want. I've worked with many, many kids coming out of poverty and seen some of the affects of poverty even in my own family. But I will say, this experience hit me differently than many have in the past. We walked out to the playground and I saw rust, I saw weeds, I saw broken swings, I saw chipped paint, and my heart just broke for these kids. I saw teachers spending their entire Saturday scrubbing down their classrooms, sorting toys, decorating, and even making us a delicious potluck lunch. These teachers were there from before we got there at 8:30 am, and some were still there when we left at 2:30 pm working their butts off. As I looked out over the playground I realized something pretty quickly: There is a good chance that no one would have done this if we hadn't come and done it. These teachers are pouring their hearts and souls into their classrooms and students already, in a neighborhood that obviously is not getting the funding it need to be able to keep all the areas of the school in top condition.

I scraped paint and sanded those monkey bars for about 3 straight hours, and then worked on spreading mulch on the preschool playground and under the swings after our lunch break. As wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of mulch got dumped, we discovered that the majority of the mulch was branches, leaves, and other "leftovers" of the tree. Not nice mulch that you often see on playgrounds, and not even what you see in the above pictures, as the crappy mulch was used on the preschool playground. I found myself angry as I scraped the paint and spread the mulch thinking "Why is no one stepping up for these kids, for these teachers? Does no one see that these kids are our future?!" And the sad part? I had no idea until it was brought to my attention at church. How many other schools are struggling hard core just like this one? How many other social service centers are not getting the help they need to help get people out of poverty? 

We spend SO much time on social media arguing over politics, religion and everything under the sun and yet meanwhile? People are dying of hunger. Girls are being killed in other countries simply for learning how to read. Kids are sold into slavery every minute. Parents are divorcing, kids are spending all their time inside on tablets because we are too afraid to let them play outside because of all the violence and kidnappings, and we don't want to take the time to actually watch them or god forbid actually play with them. We don't talk to our neighbors anymore because we don't know them and they could be scary. We have kids failing out of school because they are too distracted from the amounts of trauma that they are experiencing at home. Parents who don't know how to parent, kids who don't know how to play! 

Seriously though. What has this world come to?! 

It's not enough to sit here and keep arguing about the best methods of how to fix the problems on social media. It's not enough to see the problem and think "Somebody else will do something." Have you considered what happens if somebody else doesn't? Those of us as Christians often talk about being the hands and feet of Jesus, but then we stand around doing nothing. 

 ^"Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” 

Matthew 19:13-14

Jesus valued children guys. We see it over and over again in scripture, him instructing the people to care for, love and prioritize the children. Not in a way that would make them self centered and conceited, but in a way where they felt loved and valued consistently. He talks about those who harm children getting the worst of punishments. Jesus valued highly what the world around him considered the "least of these". He took the time to be present and engage, and really love on these children.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What issue in our world really makes your heart scream? Maybe for you it isn't kids like it is for me and that is 100% okay. I am just asking what makes your heart desperate to do something? Maybe it's abortion, sexual abuse and assault, domestic violence, gun violence, hunger, pollution, issues in the foster care system, the school systems, the list goes on and on and on. And let me just say, if you don't have "something", especially if you consider yourself a Christian, you need to sit down and think through your life. If you are SO wrapped up in your own little world to have nothing that someone else is going through bother you, your priorities are out of whack and need to be assessed ASAP. Whatever it is, can I challenge you today to get off your butt and do something about it? It doesn't have to be a huge thing. When we left yesterday, in some ways we barely made a dent in all the work that needed to be done on that playground. And yet in reality? Those kids now have a safe space where they can just come to play and forget all their worries, even if its just for 30 min at recess every day. It will change those kids lives. It will be a tiny bit less stressful for the teachers. So what can you do? You can volunteer. You can start a food drive. You cna mentor kids in the system or join Big Brother Big Sister. You can go back to school if you want to further advocate in an area that you are passionate about. You can create duffel bags for kids in foster care so they don't have to carry their belongings in trash bags. Take faith, politics, religion everything out of the question. If your money isn't where your mouth is, then your mouth should probably stop talking. It's time to step it up people. There are too many hurting people in this world, and it's time to do something about it, and stop just talking about what an issue it is.

Life Lessons From The Parent Trap

"7 Pembrook Lane" also known as 23 Egerton Terrace

I'm currently watching a movie I haven't let myself watch in at least 5 years. This particular film is my favorite movie of all time. You might guess a classic, such as "The Lion King" or "Mary Poppins" (my other two top favorites). But no. My favorite film? The 1998 Lindsey Lohan version of the The Parent Trap. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have seen this movie, it's in the hundreds, minimum. I can still remember walking into the Disney Store and seeing this pale pink shirt with Annie and Hallie on it and BEGGING my Aunt Melanie to buy it for me. She did, and I wore that shirt until I physically could not get it on my body anymore because it was way too small. My cousin and I used to play "poker" aka checkers in my bedroom for my spare change, while listening to "Bad to the Bone" and I always had to lose because I was Annie, and she was Hallie. We had the handshake between Martin and Annie down to a T. I would often eat Oreos and Peanut Butter on October 11th (the twins birthday) My obsession with London grew once I saw this film, and I promised myself that someday I would go to London and find Annie's house. (fun fact: I did! :D)

So you are probably wondering if I loved the film this much, why on earth have I not allowed myself to watch the movie in so long? In short, my fear of pain and grief. During college I had a very, very close friend that loved the Parent Trap as much as I did. We could quote the lines back and forth to each other and always celebrated together with Oreos and Peanut Butter on October 11th. Heck, we even went and searched the streets of London until we found Annie's house together. Every moment of this movie makes me think of her. And here we are, may years out of college. This friend and I had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and while we still talk on rare occasion, our friendship is far from what it was while we were in college.

I've thought many times over the past few years about sitting down and watching this movie again, to let myself relive the happy moments of my childhood over again. And yet every time I tried it was clouded by the pain of losing this friendship, and feelings that I really did not want to feel. And yet, I have been on quite a journey over the past few years, but the past few weeks have especially resulted in growth and moving substantially forward. As I listened yesterday to the That Sounds Fun Podcast with my good friend Annie F. Downs and special guest Mike Donahue from Tenth Avenue, they talked about one thing in particular: our Western cultures fear of emotions. He talks about how we have been trained to avoid painful feelings at all costs, and just ignore them. He makes a comment towards the end of the podcast and says "That's the cool thing about being afraid: now you have a chance to be courageous. You can't be courageous without being afraid." That hit me. Every time I am afraid, I have a chance to be courageous. And, I have the ultimate team captain named Jesus, who has already conquered that fear multiple times over. I have spent my entire life running from painful feelings, avoiding them at all costs. And yet recently I have decided that enough is enough. Life is too short to keep running from things. It's too short to never watch my favorite movie anymore because I might have some painful feelings come up regarding my old friend. There are so many adventures left to explore, and if we let painful feelings get in the way of those adventures we are going to spend our entire lives sitting on our couch never really living, just surviving.

So this is my random thought of the day for you: Don't let your fear of emotions hold you back from all that you can experience today. Let the tears roll, let the anger out, scream, cry, do whatever you need to. Those memories? Your fear, anger, stress, sadness, pain? It has NO hold on Jesus which means it has no hold on you. Will it be fun? No, it won't. Will it hurt? Most likely. But you can do it. And the next time and the time after that will get easier and easier with each time you face the pain from a new perspective.

Podcast Link: https://www.anniefdowns.com/2019/08/06/episode-157-mike-donehey/

Emotional Physical Therapy

As I sat in therapy yesterday, my therapist came up with an analogy that I feel like describes my world perfectly right now. I told her about how hard the past few weeks have been for me mentally, and that I was dreading coming to therapy because I didn't want the pain to start all over again when I had just started to recover from last week. She stopped me and said "That's the thing about counseling, it's really like physical therapy. You come to your appointment, you go through a ton of pain while there, but feel slightly better afterwards only to be in more pain for the next few days. Finally, the pain starts to wear off and you have another appointment and have to start the process all over again. But with each appointment you get one step closer to resolving that area of pain." I don't think that I have heard a more accurate analogy to describe therapy in the 9 years that I have been in therapy. When you have a serious physical injury, it may take a lot of physical therapy and surgeries to recover. For some, it is a life long process. The same can be true with mental health. For some people, they may only need one session to get back in order. Others may need 3, 4, or even 20. But for many people, therapy becomes a life long process. A time to grow, reflect, and change on a regular basis. Taking risks to confront our deepest fears, and developing an understanding to why we hold our deepest beliefs.

I spent the first couple years of therapy embarrassed that I was even in therapy. I went to a small, private christian college where most people at least knew your face if they didn't know your name. I also had multiple student leadership positions, and was involved in a variety of extracurricular activities. To say that most people on campus knew who I was was probably an understatement, although I would consider myself by no means popular while in college. That being said, I didn't want most people to know that I was in therapy. If I had to sit outside my therapist's office in the hallway waiting, I was mortified thinking "What if someone sees me out there?! They are going to know why I am here!" I tried to hide my face in shame more often than not, hoping and praying that no one important would come talk to me while I was waiting.



And yet now here I sit, almost 9 years to the day that I started meeting with my therapist. As she made that analogy yesterday I thought to myself "Therapy is going to be a lifelong process for me, and I think that I am finally okay with that." This is a huge shift from the terrified 18 year old girl I described in the paragraph above. She was so afraid that people might find out she needed help, that something was "wrong" with her. When in reality? I've learned something over the years: there isn't anything wrong with me. Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Yes, I often struggle to manage change, and other things that overwhelm me. Yes, there are moments from my past that still make me really angry, and really hurt and I have trouble coping with them. But you know what I have realized? All of these things are part of the human experience. We all have moments from our past that have hurt us. We all have moments that were amazing, incredible, and indescribable and things we never want to forget. And I have finally come to terms with the idea that I actually want help managing it. I want to keep learning, growing, changing, and learning to love myself on new levels each and every day. If you know me well, you probably know that my therapist is my hero. She has helped me overcome more issues than I ever thought possible and every day she is helping me learn how to become my real self. She'll never read this, and that is entirely okay because that isn't the point. You might say "Well, than what is the point?!"

Here is my point, and my random thought of the day for you: It's okay to admit that you might need some help navigating through your life. It's okay to admit that things have hurt you, wounded you, maybe even it feels like things have destroyed you and you'll never recover. It's okay to want to grow, change, and heal. You do not EVER have to be ashamed of that, no matter what the world might tell you. Just as if it would be okay for you to go to weekly physical therapy for the rest of your life to keep your physical body functioning, it is also okay for you to go to weekly mental health therapy to keep your brain in working order. Can I challenge you today? If you have never been to see a therapist would you consider setting up an appointment? I promise that you won't regret it. It will be hard at times, but the growth and freedom that you will find throughout the process will be worth every second of pain that you go through.

2018: It's Hard to Surrender to What I Can't See

I have been thinking about this blog post for over a week now, I really wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to get myself to sit down and write it, but for the sake of tradition, I felt that I needed too. This used to be so easy for me- reflecting on my year, counting my blessings, even remembering the moments of deep pain. But the past two years? They have been intense, mind numbing, life altering years, that have been breaking me down over and over and over again. It's been about a year and a half since my world was turned upside down and I lost the job I loved and in many, many ways I am still desperately trying to recover.

As I sat down this evening, desperate for some sense of normalcy on this New Year's Eve, I tried to think of one word to describe what 2018 has been like for me. All that kept coming to mind? Fog. Deep, thick, never ending fog.

There is a part of me that so desperately wants to say that after the literal hell that was 2017, 2018 was a million times better and everything is okay now. In reality? It's just not that simple. I have a job that covers most of my bills, I have an apartment in a town that I love, and am finally back in Michigan. I started graduate school this year, and have truly started finding my real self. All of these things are amazing, wonderful things. I also have experienced immense pain this year. I've begun grieving the loss of a job I loved as well as an old friendship coming to an end on a new and deeper level. I have laid on my bed starring at the wall wondering how I was going to pay for rent and buy groceries that week. I have fought depression and anxiety off more times than I can count.

I am sitting in my apartment in Saline right now, literally around the corner from the house of one of my best friends from high school. My elementary school is within walking distance of my apartment. It is safe to say that I am VERY familiar with this area. And yet, have you ever woken up to or started driving through fog? You can be driving somewhere you know like the back of your hand, yet the fog takes away that sense of security and direction and often replaces it with fear. I've sat in my apartment thinking so many times this year "God, all I wanted was to move back to Michigan this year..... I felt like if I did that, everything would be okay. And yet here I am. Achieving all the things I wanted this year and yet how can I be somewhere so familiar, yet I feel so so lost, alone, and afraid?" Everything around me is familiar, but the fog has taken away my sense of security in ways that I could never expect. And let me tell you- it has been pretty easy for me to have this one sided and somewhat negative view of fog this year.

And yet, sometimes there is a beauty in the fog. I took this picture during my Sophmore year high school retreat at Somerset Beach campground. This was one of the most beautiful, memorable mornings of my life. My group of crazy (yet beyond incredible) best friends got up at the butt crack of dawn to have Bible study together and praise Jesus and watch the sunrise from the middle of the lake in canoes and paddle boats. It was foggy, freezing, and yet beyond stunning. I often find myself returning to this picture because I love the memories it evokes from that morning. To be honest, I forgot about this morning until I was writing this blog post, and it brought tears to my eyes thinking of the depth, growth, and change that that one morning brought about in my life over the next few years. I look at this picture, and I think of the love of Jesus I so strongly felt sitting in that boat that morning. I think of the trust I had in my friends (I was deathly afraid of canoes at that point in my life) I think of the excitement I had for the day to come, and the excitement I had thinking of all that God was going to do in our school. It was almost as if the fog was a veil over the beautiful day that was coming.

As the fog continued to break, the most glorious sunrise broke through, and it was one of the most breath taking, unforgettable moments of my life.

As I think about this year coming to a close, I am beginning to think that 2017 and 2018 were seasons of intense fog. And now heading into 2019, the fog is starting to lift. It isn't an immediate change, just as fog lifting takes many hours if it was a thick fog. But with each passing moment and day, the fog gets a little bit lighter and the light starts to peek through again a bit more. 

I truly believe that Jesus brought this song to my mind as I was writing this post, as it was one of my favorites during high school.
"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow theres peace. And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving into something heavenly.Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will? Or am I just climbing aimlessly over these hills? So show me what it is you want from me, I'd give everything, I surrender to whatever you're doing inside of me," 

I don't know what 2019 will bring. It may be yet another year of intense fog, yet I don't sense that in the same way that I did when 2018 was beginning. And yet if it is, I think I can finally say: So be it. I don't know if this blog post even makes sense, my brain feels a bit foggy right now (see what I did there? ;) I never said I was a good comedian). All I can say that I hope for 2019 that God will continue showing me the beauty in the foggy days even when I feel lost, alone, confused and hopelessly off track. I hope and pray that this year is filled with simple moments like that day during high school retreat, and constant reminders that even when I can't see a few feet in front of me, Jesus is still right next to me.

I hope and pray that even if your 2018 was far from fabulous, even if it was downright hellish, that you can find some comfort and peace in the this new year. There is something refreshing about the concept of a clean slate, and I hope and pray that you will accept the one that God has given you. I remembered a song by MercyMe on Sunday (see below) When it comes to this battle on earth between good and evil, Jesus and Satan- this may come as a spoiler alert: WE WIN IN THE END. No matter how many foggy days may plague us here on earth, there will be unending sunshine filled days in heaven for all of eternity and I pray that you can keep this eternal focus in 2019. So happy New Year my friends, and may 2019 be lived out as the victors that I know all of you are.

All I Am Doing is Handing Out Sticks

**Trigger warning- I openly talk about several mental health issues including suicide and suicidal tendencies. If this is triggering for you, you may not want to read it.**

I've been thinking about how exactly to write this post for a few days now, and haven't really been able to find the words, only knowing it needs to be said. As many of you already know, two celebrities lost their lives by suicide last week. At first I was of course sad, as I am anytime I hear that someone has lost the fight against depression. But then I saw the social media response and I honestly was just angry. If you know me personally, I am a HUGE mental health advocate and have struggled immensely with depression my entire life, and at a few points suicidal ideation. I get it, on many levels. So I should be happy right, that we are "finally talking about it" and bringing the topic of suicide back into the light once again? Right?

My friend Tyler posted this today and my thought was "YES!" Good lord. These two people die, and every form of social media has been FLOODED with "mental health awareness" stuff. Don't get me wrong at all- I am SO glad people are attempting to initiate these conversations because they desperately need to happen. But with every new post I saw telling depressed people to reach out for help, and for non depressed people to check on their friends 24/7 I thought "Good grief. Does anyone actually get this?" Why does it take celebrities dying for people to (briefly) take mental health seriously? And what is going to happen when these good meaning people move on in two weeks, and barely remember that these deaths even took place? What is going to happen to the literal thousands of people who have been constantly triggered by all the suicide talk and information that have been posted over the past two weeks? Suicide is a problem 24/7 people. It doesn't become an issue because "people who had everything in the world" died. It's an issue because people are traumatized, hurting, and alone and many, many people do not have the resources to get the help they so desperately need. 

I am angry because as someone who was suicidal at one point, it is hard to see the world fall apart over celebrities but not seem to care about every day people, or even veterans as the above picture shows. I am angry because we constantly argue over gun laws, abortion, and every thing else under the freaking sun, and yet mental health policies remain barely touched. The only people who make noise about it are people in the mental health field, or ones who need the resources. Insurance companies screwing people over not paying for meds and therapy, making it SUCH a hassle for therapists to accept insurance that most cannot do it. They lose SO much money in the process they cannot afford to do it even if their heart desperately wants to. Because in reality? 90% of the people who need intensive therapy cannot afford it, and it makes me angry. 

I am angry for all the people who are currently suicidal, or are coming off a wave of being suicidal. I am angry that their friends and family may smoother them with support because its the "in" thing right now, but in a few weeks may disappear. I am angry that even in 2018 most people cannot handle having a serious discussion about suicide. Don't get me wrong- it is downright terrifying for someone to tell you they are suicidal. But honestly? It is even more terrifying for the person who is actually suicidal. Because if you haven't been there let me tell you- when you desperately can't find your way out of the darkness it is the most terrifying thing you will ever experience in your life. It's like a black hole- no idea how you got in, no idea how to get out, and so dark you can't even see your own hand in front of your face. All while hearing whispers of "Just do it." "No one will care once you're gone" "It's not going to get any better." "You'll be pain free if you just end it." "No one gets your pain." Or when the positivity people show up "I know it's dark, but I just can't understand why you don't turn on a light? or ask someone for a flashlight?" or "Why could you possibly want to die, you have such a great life!" The problem? The darkness extinguishes that light in a way I cannot even put into words. 

I thought about all of this as I sat in my therapist's office today. I don't think she will ever really know how thankful I am to have her in my life. I started meeting with her when I was 18, and it was honestly the best, probably most important, life saving decision I have ever made. I've been in a bit of a rough patch, but had a good session today. At the end she said to me "Marissa, you kicked butt today! You figured out 99% of everything by yourself, I barely had to say a word! You should be really proud of yourself!" And to be honest? I was. I was really proud of myself. Because I thought back to the first time I had to tell her that I was suicidal. I was in college, probably my junior year. She had asked me at the end of my session if I had been having thoughts about hurting myself or wanting to die. I rolled my eyes and told her no that I was fine, but in reality I was far from fine. I thought about what she said all night, and realized I needed to see her again. We met the next day, and told her through sobbing tears that I had lied, that I had thought many times about wanting to die, and had been self harming. When I think back on that year, it was so hard. It was the worst depression I have ever experienced, and most of that year is a blur to me honestly. But the thing that has amazed me, is that my therapist has never been afraid of my pain even when I was terrified. She stood firm and secure and led me out of that terrible, terrible darkness more times than I can count. And every time my depression flares up, I end up in her office in tears terrified that I am going to go back into that dark jungle and this time will be the time I won't be able to find my way out. And it's been years- about 5 actually. This is why these social media "hype" has gotten me so upset. Because it's triggering, and in most ways not helpful to those who have actually been suicidal, or are currently. It breaks my heart, because this is where my heart is- I want people experiencing depression to find help like I did. I want them to find their way out of the jungle, and I am not sure what the answer is, all I know is that we need to find it. 

I found this during my junior year and the first time I read it I cried. I cried really hard. It's just beautiful. Suicide survivors are the farthest thing from weak. They are honestly some of the strongest people that I know. Every time one of my girls at Shelterwood were suicidal, I showed them this poster and told them "Girl, I will ALWAYS find a freaking stick for you. We are gonna survive the jungle together." It became a way of asking them if they were alright in a way that wasn't demeaning but empowering. I'd say "Hey buddy- do you need a stick?" and they'd know. They'd know that I saw them. That they were struggling, and I wanted to help them fight. 

When I started writing this, I originally was going to bring my faith into the post (which is a HUGE reason for my recovery, but it also was a HUGE setback in my struggle and when I was struggling the LAST thing I wanted to read was yet another Christian article about how "Jesus makes everything okay" and how "people who die by suicide probably don't go to heaven" (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE) Or really anything about faith. I couldn't handle it. And I am hoping and praying that this blogpost reaches someone who really needs to hear this message. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: If these past few weeks have been hard for you because suicide is a part of your story in some way I want to encourage you- I know firsthand how hard it is to have this stuff in your face 24/7 when its the last thing you want to be thinking about. Keep holding on my friends. Can I also encourage you to speak up? I know its terrifying, but share your story. Let people know that this is hard for you. If you are currently suicidal, or experiencing suicidal thoughts please, please please try and go to a therapist. If you can't afford it, there are free options in your community that can get you set up with something longer term. I promise you 100% that you will find your way out of the darkness, and there are loving, wonderful amazing people like my therapist who won't leave your side. 

For those who haven't truly been affected by suicide here is my random thought for you: Do whatever it takes to not stop caring when they hype dies down..... When "13 Reasons Why" is no longer making new episodes, and every social media site in existence isn't posting about suicide every day. And if there is someone in your life you are worried about? Can I beg you to talk to them please? If you don't know how to approach that conversation, leave a comment below. I would love to walk you through it. And tell everyone in your life every chance you get how much they mean to you.... It literally can be the smallest thing that can bring someone back to reality when they are suicidal- like getting a text message saying that someone was thinking about them. Depression robs you of your ability to believe that people actually care. Start conversations, share your story. Ask how you can help. I developed a number system with my therapist, and if my friends thought I was struggling they would simply ask "Hey, what number are you at?" and if it was high they would say "Okay. What are you going to do about it? Can I help in any way?" And I would let them know. It is really that simple people. 

And if you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for caring, and for reading a part of my story. I hope and pray that if we all work together that the suicide rates will start declining in our country instead of constantly climbing. Please feel free to message me if you are struggling, know someone who is struggling, or just in need of someone to talk to. 

"A Chain is Only as Strong as It's Weakest Link"

"A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link." I remember the first time I heard this quote. I believe it was my Junior or Senior year of high school and one of our first soccer practices of the season. My coach had us all sitting around him and he had a long length of chain that were all connected in a circle. Each one had a tagged piece of tape to it, and he passed it around and had us write our initials on it. He explained that much like this chain, our team was only as strong as our weakest member. It was vital that we all worked together, and that we didn't leave the weak behind, but come behind them and help them keep up with the rest of the team. That is what I LOVED about playing soccer at WCA. Coach didn't care if you couldn't play a lick of soccer. All he cared about was that you were willing to work your butt off, willing to learn, and willing to treat every person on our team as your family and trust them with your life. That was it. He didn't kick people off due to lack of skill, (thank goodness for that in my earlier years haha) he literally only kicked people off due to lack of commitment to the team, or performing poorly in school. And let me tell you- our team kicked BUTT. We went from a "club" team (basically not recognized by MHSA as an actual team) to my coach ONLY letting us play public school teams because the other private school teams didn't challenge us enough to prepare us for districts early in the season. WHAT?! Like how is that even possible? He took a bunch of girls who had never touched a soccer ball plus girls who had been playing since they could crawl and taught us how to communicate, play well, and kick butt, and most importantly have the time of our lives and find a sport that we loved. Everytime we failed, he told us to get back up and try again until we mastered what he wanted us to do. And we became an almost unbreakable chain because we honored our weaknesses.

I was thinking about almost the opposite of this concept earlier today. I have had "Break Every Chain" by Paxton Ingram (The Voice) on repeat alllll day y'all. My Pastor- Pastor Bill (PB) has been bringing the word, and the Holy Spirit has been showing up in church the past few weeks like nothing I have EVER experienced. Extremely powerful worship and sermons. And yet what have we been talking about? Persecution. God taking us WAY outside of our comfort zones and doing life with Him, His way, 100% trust. And let me tell you- if that doesn't scare you on some level you my friend are a liar. PB was praying with me last week, and said something so profound, it has shaken me up even a week later. He said "Marissa, you have done ministry out of your pain. But this next season I believe that God is calling you to do ministry from your place of victory. But, you don't know what victory is yet. And that is what is going to be start doing with you- teaching you about life as a victor." Honestly yall part of me wanted to be like "What do you mean I'm not a victor?! Do you know what my life has been like?! I'm still alive so I am a victor! What the heck!" But deep down, I knew he was right. Y'all my life hasn't been easy. On the surface to some it looks like it has been, but on the inside I have been fighting a lot of battles for my entire life. I have had many pictures in my mind of being chained up- crying, screaming, fighting, raw, bleeding, desperately trying to get those chains off so I can be free and live my life. And yet no matter what I tried I could NOT get them off. I lived many years in straight up despair, because I truly saw no hope for my life even though I still 100% called myself a Christian. For years people told me "Jesus. Jesus will break your chains." and I was honestly like "BYE. I don't want to hear it. I don't need help. I can do it myself." I was VERY stubborn. (Both sides of my family are extremely stubborn.... what can I say lol) And yet, I finally have started coming to a place of surrender over the past few weeks/ months. Granted, I've had to "surrender" many times throughout my life but this is a level I know that I haven't reached before. 

I was praying about my chains, and praying for Jesus to break them a few weeks ago. I was praying about them again today, and I remembered that quote from above and I realized the key- Jesus knows the weak spot in my chains and he can break Every. Single. One. Every time the song gets to the the part saying "I hear the chains falling" I get the chills because I have literally begun to experience the chains that I have experienced since childhood simply start falling right before my eyes. I've begun to experience real freedom, but also with that real grief and pain as I begin to truly see what the life God has for me looks like. 

As I have been navigating this journey, God has really been calling me out on my heart. Man, I thought my heart was "pure" until we started looking at the fruits of the spirit today..... Like have you ever thought about that? Like if you are actually living in Christ, your life will reflect those fruits. I hope this is a reality check for you as much as it was for me. I thought I was doing pretty well simply because I've started reading my Bible more, and actually praying regularly and whatnot. But the more I learn what my masters voice sounds like, I realize that there is SO much more to faith. There is so much more to prayer. God has begun showing me that this next season is about me learning to love people well who have hurt me, even if they aren't in my life anymore. Our thought have power. Our emotions have power. And it matters where our "power" is coming from yall. If it's coming from our chains? We are gonna stay chained up. If its from Jesus, well stand back yall cuz the chains are coming down. And what's sad? For most of my life I was a "look good" Christian. I went to church 2x a week, prayed sometimes and could answer all the questions in Sunday School, and went to a Christian school, and had Christian friends. As far as I was concerned, I was good. I had my "get out of hell free" card and I was golden. Right? Wrong. Y'all. Jesus has SO much more life for you than this! I remember conversations with a sweet friend from college and she would cry because she was never really sure if she was going to heaven because she wasn't sure if she was following all the rules correctly and that truly consumed her faith life to the point where her fear overshadowed the freedom that Christ already won for her. It still breaks my heart everytime I think about it. Jesus has life that is SO much more abundant than what we can ask or imagine if we can get ourselves to take the leap of faith and trust him. And that is 100% what Jesus has been asking of me the past few years- to give up my perceived control, and to just let him drive.

You see, I used to be much like my old friend from college. I used to be SO scared of God- like if I didn't pray for someone everyday God was just gonna decide that I wasn't good enough and not let me into heaven. But y'all that's not Jesus. I never wanted to pray, read my Bible or even do ministry because it all felt pointless, and like it would never be enough to please him. But that's not the purpose! The purpose is to build relationship with Him, and get to know His Spirit, so that when the time comes and he asks you to go in 100%, you know your masters voice and you jump in 100%.

I know this has probably been ALL over the place. At least my brain feels like it is.... But this is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a chained up victim? Or are you living life as a victor in Christ? Yall I NEVER thought I would find freedom from some of the chains that are breaking in my life.... like honestly. And I've loved Jesus as long as I can remember. Can I challenge you sweet friend, will you consider letting Jesus break your chains? Will you consider trying to pray? To try reading your Bible? To ask the hard questions? He so desperately wants to break your chains, and I know 100% He will. You just have to ask him. Thats all. Yall I have watched as my "prayers" (if thats what you want to call them...) for people who have REALLY hurt me go from "Jesus please punish them" to "Jesus, help them find freedom in you. How can I love them well?" Don't be afraid to be angry- He can handle your mess. He can handle every one of your chains even if those chains are abuse, rape, porn, murder, lying, stealing, adultery, loneliness, depression, anxiety, pride, and ANYTHING else. He can do it sweet friends. And I can't help but just want to share this with everyone I know, because I want you to find his freedom too.

So can I challenge you today? Find some time today to go sit with Him. Tell him why you don't like Him, why you are angry and want nothing to do with Him. Take time name your chains. Start asking Him to break them. He's got you friends. And your chains are NOT too much for our savior. If you read this, and need someone on your team to go to battle with you- please feel free to contact me. I'd honestly love to be praying with you and for you for the chains you need broken!

Grief is Really Just Love

I was emailing my old boss Jane the other day asking for a graduate school reference, and also talking about my old job, and the changes that have taken place over the past few months. I realized I didn't ever turn in my keys, and asked Jane what I should do. She replied telling me that the church who now owns the house changed the locks, so in reality I could do whatever I wanted with them. I can barely find words to describe what happened next..... It's almost as if ice went through my veins, and I felt like I was going to throw up all at the same time. 

This is our home. It's not being used as a safehouse anymore, so I can finally share where I basically lived for the past year and a half. I spent more time crying, laughing, grieving, playing, planning, and just doing life in this place then I think I have anywhere else in my life. I went back to the house in December, and took a few minutes to just sit and cry, and collect some items of mine that were in the house. I always planned on coming back and dropping off my keys later, and giving myself space to really say "goodbye" but could never bring myself to do it. And then I got Jane's email, and my blood went cold when I realized that I would never set foot in Hope's House again. Ever since September, I have been holding out hope that we would get to start over, and that we would get up and running again. But after a FB a month ago from our former director, I realized that those dreams were probably over, but still held on to a glimmer of hope. Then came Jane's email, and it was like the final door slam, with a big ol' padlock and crushed the remainder of hope that I had. It was all over in a matter of seconds. I couldn't breathe, and had to simply go lay down and cry.

I wish there was someway to know beforehand that it was going to be my last time doing something, so I could mentally prepare and grieve. I don't handle change and transition well at all. I've gotten better, but it's still like pulling teeth slowly when I know change is coming. Heck, I even mentally prepare myself for the last bites of my food. Like when I eat Lucky Charms? I make sure marshmallows are my last bite. It's just how I roll. So unexpected "lasts" don't really go over well with me. 

I found this song last week, as I was processing the huge amount of grief I have to work through from the past few years of my life post college, and I feel like it is super fitting for this situation, and many more. It talks about how we go through many "deaths" in our lives, and yet there aren't funerals for these events: end of relationships, moving, losing a job, etc. There is no mainstream grieving process, no one drops off food, or sends cards, or lets you take off work. And yet, the pain is the same. 

I've been thinking a lot about a few relationships that I have lost over the past year. Some have just faded due to time passing and things changing, but one relationship seemingly changed overnight, and its been hard for me to finish letting go. I thought of the last time I saw this friend, and we said goodbye at the airport. I was crying, and as I think back on it it was like my heart knew that was the last time we would hang out as "friends" as our relationship fell apart a few mere months later. I haven't really let myself fully grieve the loss of this relationship- I've been slowly holding out hope that this friendship will repair itself. When in reality? It's over. And I don't think that I really realized that until yesterday. In a sense, just as the locks got changed on the house, the locks got changed on that relationship too. I am not going to get to have the final "moments" of my choice, and control the situation. And in reality, that leaves me with a choice. Do I continue on, holding out hope and pretending nothing has happened? Or, do I choose to let myself let go and grieve?

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Have you taken time to grieve the deaths in your life that didn't have a funeral? Can I encourage you to do just that? Take time, listen to the song above. Let yourself grieve those losses, even though they aren't technically a real death. In some ways, I am not sure our heart knows the difference. It only knows that it is in pain, and desperately wants to let it out. I read a quote earlier today that said this: 

It totally changed my perspective of grief. When I think of all the love I miss pouring out on my girls, on my friends, and other people, it all makes sense. And as I navigate this "grief" or overflowing of love with nowhere to go, it challenges my thought process. It makes me want to find a new place for all that love to go, which gives me the courage to let the tears out, and let it all go. I want to challenge you to think about doing just that. Allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes up, and think about new places where your overflowing love could go. It won't be an easy, but as the song says you will soon see that life can and will be sweet again, and you will find places for all that love to go again.