Taking that Step

Yesterday God revealed some things to me. I actually had some free time and decided to read a book. I have a few that I have been trying to finish, and last night I decided to finish "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge. It blew me away. The part of the book I was on related exactly to some things I have been facing the past few days. There is one part that really stuck out to me, it was on living in the present instead of the past. Here is the clip:

"To live as an authentic, ransomed and redeemed woman means to be real and present in this moment. If we continue to hide, much will be lost. We cannot have intimacy with God or anyone else if we stay hidden and offer only who we think we ought to be or what we believe is wanted. We cannot play the ezer (equivalent of helper) role we were meant to play if we remain bound by shame and fear, presenting only to the world the face we have learned is safe. You only have one life to live- It would be best to live your own."

I am made for more than the life I am living right now. I am more than the fears holding me back, I am more than my past regrets. I have been trying for so long to please each person in my life and to act in the ways that they want me too. But in reality by doing this I am not being real, I am not being me. I can't be all of who God wants me to be if I keep presenting only what I know is safe and secure. The most important thing in life is living how God wants me too- Not how people want me too.

What does this mean for me right now? I am not exactly sure. But I do know this- it is time to step out onto the water and trust Jesus is going to help me walk. I have nothing to wait for and nothing to lose. It is time to be real and stop hiding behind my fears. I want to do everything I can to strengthen my relationship with Christ- even if that means stepping out onto the water.

Broken

 "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will  not despise." Psalm 51:17

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

I realized something last night. I am broken. As I realized this fact, I was talking to my friend Ashley and she said something to me similar to this "Riss, everyone is broken. You just have to decide how you are going to react to it. Being broken by God is wonderful, because it means he is working in your life to make you reflect his image even more than you do right now." 

What does being broken mean exactly? Well to me it means a few things. When I think of a broken heart, I think of the image I posted above. Completely crushed and shattered with what seems to be no hope of being repaired. I think of literal pain, and everything about our lives being shaken up or taken away or changed in one form or another. It seems like such a negative thing, and yet it isn't.

What is the medicine for a broken heart? Here is the answer: God is our superglue. He picks up each piece of our broken heart and puts it back together. He takes the things away that cause us pain and chisel away at our heart and tries to show us how to make different decisions for the next time. 

But here is what I realized last night- You might be broken for a long time. Immediate 100% relief probably won't come. One part of your broken heart may be fixed, while another is still shattered. It is a constant process. But God can give you happiness in pain- I am the happiest right now that I have ever been in my entire life, but that doesn't mean I don't have hard nights. It doesn't mean that the broken relationships in my life and other hurts don't bother me. They do- and the pain is real. But God is mending my heart each and every day and it is really cool to see. 

I found a song by Addison Road called Change In the Making. It talks about how we are completely incomplete and how God is working in our lives to make us more like him. It is a beautiful song, and kind of sums up how I feel right now. I am "under construction" as the song puts it. And for the first time in my life, I think I am okay with that. 

‎"Have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it?"

So, it has been awhile. I have been really, really busy to say the least. I have had a lot going on, and a lot of things different things taking up my time and emotions. But this quote came into my mind today, and I decided to share something with you all.

As a lot of people know, I have been struggling with something for the past few weeks here at Concordia. It has been draining for me emotionally and physically and frankly I am just tired of dealing with it. But I realized this afternoon, that I am not handling this situation in all of the ways that I should be. And the main ones have to do with this quote above.

I am talking about this a whole heck of a lot more than I have prayed about it.

Not only that, but I realized today that I am talking about it too much. Yes, it is bothering me and it is good to vent to friends every once in a while. But it became the center of almost every conversation that I had today, and that is not how things are supposed to be. My policy on gossiping is that I will only say things to other people that I would be comfortable saying to the person I am talking about. If I wouldn't say it to their face, it doesn't need to be said. And while I have still stuck to that policy throughout this situation, I have found that spreading my anger and frustration and hurt to others isn't being helpful either. It may make me feel better for a little bit, but what good does it have in the long run?

A wise friend once told me " You can talk about this with 5 people. After that, it becomes gossip."Somehow, I just threw that out the window. So, this is my attempt to start over fresh with this situation. There will be no more discussion of this topic unless it is 100% useful and necessary. I may fail, I am human, but I am certainly going to try.

So here is my thought of the day for you; Pray more than talking. In reality, praying is talking to God and he is going to help you a lot more than the people here. And that is my goal- situations are so much easier if you turn to God for help. Turn to him today, and he will help you.