2014: Another Chapter Coming to a Close

2014. This has truly been a year I will never forget! I have looked forward to this year since 2010- the next BIG year of my life because I would graduate college. I never knew I would have loved this year for so many more reasons than that! I have grown SO much over the past year, it is mind blowing to me! I have experienced joy and heartbreak, I have lost loved ones, grown in my faith immensely and truly began to enjoy this beautiful life God has given me. As I look forward to 2015, I cannot help but get super excited to see where God is going to take me. He took me out of some of the deepest pits of pain and frustration this past year that I have ever experienced this past year and brought joy and healing from them. I can only begin to imagine what 2015 will bring!

So as 2014 comes to a close, I want to share with you a few of the highlights from this past year!

January 

In January I started my Child Life Internship at Beaumont Children's Hospital in Royal Oak, MI. This was definitely a blessing in disguise! It became apparent that the site was not a good fit for me early into my internship, and I struggled quite a bit throughout this time. But, God truly brought me through it and showed me what my true calling is. While I did not see the end of this struggle until mid November, I learned so much about myself from the time I spent at Beaumont and would not change it for anything!! 

 

February

I turned 22, and my peanut turned 2! It has been so awesome watching Levi develop a little personality!! He is definitely one of my favorite people to spend time with! :) 

March 

I finished my Child Life Internship!!!!!!!!!! Turning in my badge was truly one of the happiest days of my life! It was such a relief knowing I was never going to have to go back! 

I was able to take part in my final Middle School Tool Time. I cried so hard, as this is an event that I miss more than words can say!!! It has been SUCH a huge blessing doing these events over the past four years!

April 

McKenzie Grace was born! Definitely the highlight of April, and definitely one of the top highlights of the year!! I love this little girl more than any words can say!! 

May

Graduation!!!!! Ahhhh. It was SUCH a relief to be done with school, but bittersweet about the concept of leaving Concordia. 

LONDON!!!!!!!! Definitely one of the top highlights of the year, if not my life in general. I LOVED this city more than words can say and I truly cannot wait to get back there someday!!!!! I had so much fun, and learned so much about a different culture!

June

In June I started work for one last summer with the Maintenance team. It was definitely the best summer ever!!! My co-workers were so much fun, and we had a blast! I miss them so much!! 

July

I got to go to the Toledo Zoo for the first time in many years with my good friend Andi! We had a blast seeing all the animals and walking around for the day!!

August 

In August I moved out of my dorm at Concordia for the last time. It was very bittersweet with a lot of tears. It is still hard for me to believe that I am already done with school!!

September 

In September I started my job at the BLOCK Youth and Teen Center! It has been such a HUGE blessing working with these kids over the past few months, and my co- workers are awesome! It has been incredible to me to see how God has oriented each step of his plan for me and seeing how each piece is falling into place. 

October

In October I got to see my good friend Jessica in her fall play "Little Women". It was so awesome to hang out with friends and see Jessica shine! :)

November 

In November I got offered the job at Shelterwood!!! I spent months praying about this opportunity, and it was such a HUGE blessing to be given this opportunity! I truly cannot wait to move to Missouri and start working with this incredible ministry!!!! 

December

I had the privelege of singing in my first Boar's Head as a alumni, and I actually got to watch the performance and not perform for the first time ever. The performance brought me to tears, it was so beautiful, and I loved every minute of it!!!

These are some of the more fun things I experienced over this past year... There were also MANY struggles. I had relatives pass away, my car was dead for 3/4 of the year, I had many, many, many financial struggles, friendships fell apart, depression and anxiety wrecked havoc, and I decided to change what I was doing with my life a 1/3 of the way into the year. If I am being honest, this was probably one of the most frustrating, irritating years I have ever experienced. 

But now sitting here at the end, I am humble and amazed. I am blown away to see how God brought me through each of these moments. I could not have gotten through this year on my own- it is in Christ's strength alone that I made it through! I am blessed to see how many friends and family I got to enjoy spending time with, and who stuck with me when times got very tough. 

I posted a pic like the one below last year, and I still love the quote this year. But there is a difference this year, and it's my resolution for 2015. I am not going to be the one writing my story this year. Over the past year, I have worked hard to give control of my life and learn to trust to God, and that is truly my only goal and hope for 2015, that no matter what I face or encounter that I will go about it in a way that is pleasing to God and brings others around me to him. 

This year challenged me in a way that I truly cannot put into words, and yet in a lot of ways I am sad to see it go. It's a little bittersweet, just like most of the this year has been. But if 2014 was this incredible, I can only imagine what 2015 will bring. So here is to a New Year following Jesus and going wherever he leads me! I can't wait! <3 nbsp="" p="">

"To me, beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. it's about knowing and accepting who you are." - Ellen DeGeneresw

I've never been all that "girly". Growing up, I loved dirt in the sandbox over frilly tutus, and would have rather been playing in a soccer game in high school than going to a dance or painting my nails. But if you were to ask me at any point throughout elementary through high school if I thought I was beautiful? I wouldn't have answered you. I probably would have just walked away. Because in reality? I did not feel beautiful. I felt ugly, and unwanted by most of my peers, and just assumed that most girls felt the same way I did.

As I got into college, that very slowly faded away. I became much more confident in myself as a person, and truly began to love who I have become as a person, flaws and all. It took a lot of work, and a LOT of learning about my identity in Christ vs. the identity that the world gives me. And truly? It is a daily fight. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not defined by the world's standards but by who Christ defines me as. In reality, I am still not very "girly". But I have MUCH more appreciation for a pencil skirt, and curls in my hair than I ever would have in high school!!

But I also have changed from the perspective that I don't feel the need to "look" a certain way in order to feel beautiful. In late high school/early college, I got to a point where I would not leave the house without makeup. In reality, I don't wear much makeup at all. A little mascara, and eyeliner and thats it. But, my makeup was a mask for me. In reality I do look A LOT different with the little bit of make up that I do wear. It made me feel pretty, and made me feel valued when people would comment on my make up when I first started wearing it. But slowly, I've gotten to a point where I don't feel the need to wear make up at all times. Generally, I still do. But I don't "need" it anymore to feel that I am beautiful.

Here is where this all comes into play, I work at a youth and teen center with middle school and high school teens. The other day, I went to work out at the gym prior to going to work. I didn't put on make up because lets be real- I was going to get hot and sweaty and didn't feel like having to redo my make up again after showering. After I worked out, I got distracted and rushed right before I had to leave to come to work. I pulled in the parking lot of our building, looked in my rearview mirror and realized I hadn't put on make up before I left. I was already running late and didn't have time to go back home. I freaked out for a second thinking "Oh my gosh! What are the kids gonna say?!" And then I realized, I don't care what they think. My identity isn't based on what the kids think of me. So I put a smile on and went to work. I had two of my students come up to me and semi freak out when they saw I wasn't wearing make up. I calmly told them I decided not to wear make up today, and that was it. I had one of the girls say to me "Wow. You're brave." It made me think- how many of these girls I work with struggled with the same things I did in middle school and high school? How many of them feel they have to look a certain way to be accepted by their peers? It makes me sad to think about, and I wish that I could change their perception now while they are still young.

The next day, I had a conversation with another one of our girls. She asked me what I was doing after work and I told her I was going to work out. She says to me "Marissa, you don't need to work out. You are already too skinny." I was totally taken aback for a second (as in reality I am not too skinny lol) but I said to her "_______ I don't work out because I want to be skinny. I work out because I want to be healthy." She says "We all know thats a big fat lie. No one works out because they really want to be healthy. They all just wanna be skinny so people will like them." As much as I tried I couldn't convince her otherwise.

Is this what our society has come to? To girls believing that they only have worth and value and beauty if they are skinny and wear the right kind of makeup?Believing that the only reason to work out is to lose weight? What happened to being healthy just to feel good?! It makes me sick. I want to just give these girls a hug and say "Don't you see?! You're amazing JUST the way you are!" It only makes me more passionate to working with these kids full time. I can't wait to be able to work with kids and their families and show them their worth in Christ. I can't wait to teach parents how to help their girls feel beautiful as little princess's at four, and beautiful as teens in high school. If you have the opportunity, encourage a young lady that is in your life. Tell her that she's beautiful and loved. She may need it more than you know!

Hello My Name is Marissa. And I Am a Perfectionist.

I realized today, I've had a misconception about life. My entire life I've believed that strength and love, and the ability to "stand" comes from perfection. If you are perfect, people will love you. If you meet the demands of everyone around you, you will be happy and no one will hurt you because you are perfect. When you finally reach perfection, you will be happy.

Sounds crazy right? 

That's probably because it is. I've learned something over the past few months: perfection is impossible. And to a perfectionist? That thought is terrifying. Because if we cannot achieve perfection, how will we ever be happy? 

You see, I've learned a lot over the past four years, and a lot over the past few months specifically. I've learned how to successfully navigate the waters of anxiety, depression, and a host of other things and survive them.  I've learned how to successfully cope and take care of myself. I've told myself for years that as soon as I figured this out, as soon as I was "perfect" I would be happy. Well guess what? I'm coping, I've got it down, but I was not happy. I thought I hit this moment of perfection, only to find out it didn't lead to my happiness. Surprise surprise.

Throughout these months, I have lost two of my biggest support systems: My old therapist, and the relationship with one of my good friends. I have fought and fought and fought trying to salvage the relationship with my friend. I've had this idea "If I just do everything she wants me to, forget the pain that the relationship caused me, and be perfect everything will be fine and we will be good again." I've unconsciously thought this way for months. Until today. When I had a moment where some of the pain that this relationship has caused me came pouring out. As I sat in my car crying, angry and missing my friend I realized this: If I EVER want to be friends with her again, I have some serious stuff in my life I need to work out. If I want to be friends with her again, I'm going to have to allow myself to be imperfect. 

You see, in my world perfect means no tears, no anger, truly no emotion. Perfect means you act in whatever ways the person you are with wants you to to keep yourself and your heart safe. This relationship caused me some serious pain. Some of it was my fault, and some of it was my friends. I have told myself for SO long that if I just pretended this pain had no affect on me, if we could just forget it and move forward we would be fine. But in reality, it needs to be dealt with. The pain needs to be acknowledged, and I need to heal and move on. I need to cry, yell, get angry, and let my heart be free. I need to forgive my friend and I need to forgive myself, and move forward. Because I owe it to myself, and I owe it to her. If I want the benefit of having her as a friend, she deserves to have me as a REAL friend. I cannot be a friend and harbor anger and pain and throw the blanket of "perfection" aka kind words and gifts over it and expect everything would be okay. For so long, I thought freedom and happiness would come once I reached perfection. But thank God, I finally realize that that is not the case. 

You see, Jesus is the ultimate picture of perfection He is perfection. Perfection died on a cross, the most horrific, awful, horrendous way to die. Jesus had to go through hell on earth so that we could be reunited with our heavenly father. Perfection faced pain. Perfection defeated death. For me. My whole life, I've been striving to be "perfect" by the worlds standards. But what would my life be like if I had a new goal of "perfection"? What if I want my life to reflect the Perfect savior who died on the cross for me and saved me from Hell? What if I truly allowed my heart and mind to function in the way my heavenly Father designed and was like Jesus? What if I allowed myself to cry, to get angry, to be exactly who God created me to be? What would life be like? I know what it would be like. I might actually find more than happiness. I might find exceedingly great joy. If I am going to be a perfectionist, I want to be a perfectionist striving toward being Christlike, not like how the world wants me to be. 

I heard this song by Rascal Flatts today. I heard this part and thought YES. That is exactly where I am at right now! 

"When push comes to shove You taste what you're made of. You might bend 'til you break 'cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong. Wipe your hands, shake it off. Then you stand, Yeah, then you stand."

I've spent months on my knees, curled up on the ground, yelling at God saying "WHY WON'T YOU JUST FIX THIS ALREADY!" When in reality, all I had to do is look up and say "I've had enough. Help me. Defend me. Be my shelter. Give me strength to get mad, to hurt and heal and to get stronger." And now, I can wipe the dirt, grime and tears off my bruised and cut up hands, shake off everything that has happened and stand. 

The next few weeks, months, and years will not be easy. I do not know how long this healing process will take. I know I have a long way to go. But for the first time in my life, I'm not making this decision to make someone else happy. I'm not doing this to save my relationship with my friend, or to simply try and be a better person. No, I am doing this because God has created me for so much more than what I have been living for and it's high time that I start living that way. Thank God for new beginnings. I'm excited to see where this journey takes me. 

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Christmas. Some people love it, some people hate. Personally I love it. I love that people everywhere are simply excited and happy regardless of how stressed they are. Families get to see each other, cousins reunited, DELICIOUS food, presents, and SO much more! But what I love the most is pure magic of Christmas, it's like everyone is a child again and for a moment everything is pure, bright and happy. My best memories as a child are with my family during Christmas, laughing with my cousins and eating way too much sugar waiting anxiously for Santa to come to my house.

I love the coziness of sitting in my living room sipping hot chocolate under the lights of the Christmas tree. I love wrapping presents, and picking out gifts for those that I hold dear to my heart. I love the celebration at church, celebrating the birth of my Lord and Savior, the only reason we are here. I love the music, the simplicity of everything. I memorized a poem when I was in sixth grade that summarized so well why I love the Christmas season: 

Live Christmas Everyday by Helen Steiner Rice 

Christmas is more than a day at the end of the year,

More than a season of joy and good cheer,

Christmas is really God’s pattern for living

To be followed all year by unselfish giving.

For the holiday season awakens good cheer

And draws us closer to those we hold dear,

And we open our hearts and find it is GOOD

To live among men AS WE ALWAYS SHOULD         

But as soon as the tinsel is stripped from the tree

The spirit of Christmas fades silently

Into the background of daily routine

And is lost in the whirl of life’s busy scene.

And all unawares we miss and forego

The greatest blessing that mankind can know

For if we lived Christmas each day, as we should,

And made it our aim to always do good,

We’d find the lost key to meaningful living

That comes not from GETTING

But from unselfish GIVING.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Don't get wrapped up in the craziness and commercialism of Christmas this year. Take a step back and see it through the eyes of a child. See the wonder, the magic, the simplicity and find the joy in giving again. Remember that the GREATEST gift we could ever ask for came in a manger so many years ago, and that in itself is the only reason we need to celebrate! Maybe you're not like me, and won't play Christmas music before Thanksgiving, and can't find joy in the holidays. But I promise if you try, He will help you find it. Enjoy this season, and Merry Christmas! 

I'll Always Find My Way Back Home

As many of you probably know, I'm moving to Independence, Missouri in approximately four months. I am doing a one year (possibly longer) internship/discipleship program/job with a therapeutic Christian boarding school. As I have come to the full realization of this over the past two days, reality has hit home hard. (Don't get me wrong- I am sooooooo beyond excited it is not even funny!!!) I have just realized that I have never left home before, and that in itself is exciting, it is scary at the same time.

I heard this song today (don't judge. Everyone loves a little Hannah now and then!) And I realized, that no matter where this life takes me I am a Michigan girl at heart, and I will always find my way back home. I've talked with various friends who may be getting married soon, graduating from college, and lots of other things. I've thought about my peanuts, and the various people I will miss. I've talked with mentors and friends and family, and everyone is SO excited for this amazing opportunity for me! I am SO excited for this amazing opportunity! And I realized that I am blessed to have SO many incredible reasons to miss my home, and SO many awesome reasons to come home!!! I will look forward to every opportunity to come home and spend time with the ones that I love. And at times, it will be hard to be 10.5 hours away. I know I will miss going to Concordia to hang out with friends, or really want a bowl of my mom's homemade soup for dinner. Sometimes I will just want a hug from my best friend, or to be able to sleep in my bedroom. But you know what? God has so uniquely designed this opportunity for me that uses each and every part of my gifts and talents that I know that he will guide me and help me through this year in the hard times and the easy times. His plan is better than any plan that I can even begin to fathom, and I am so thankful that I am right where he needs me to be!

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Yes. I am moving to Missouri. It may only be for a year, or it may be for the rest of my life. Only God really knows that. But I am so blessed and excited to see where He is going to take me over the course of this next year, and I am so blessed and thankful to have such an incredible support system cheering me on from the good ol' state of Michigan. I will be trying to keep my blog more updated as I navigate this new adventure, and I just want you all to know that I will ALWAYS find my way back home, and even if its not as often as we would like, I will always only be a phone call away!!

Step by Step

It's been a while! God has been teaching me many, many things over the past few months regarding relationships- especially my relationship with Him and with my friendships. I have truly learned what the terms unconditional love, mercy, and forgiveness mean as I have encountered a variety of real life experiences to show me what God's love for me looks like through my other relationships.

Most recently, I hurt a good friend of mine. I won't go into the details, but I will openly admit that I was the one in the wrong. I learned the meaning of Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin." Well, I was angry and said some things to some people that I should not have. I approached the friend I hurt about it, admitted that I was at fault and asked her to please forgive me. She was and still is very angry with me, and I cannot blame her in the least. I hurt her, and I deserve her anger.

As I sat in church praying about this friendship today, our worship leader Heather told a story about her son when he was pretty young. He fell down while playing and badly scraped up his knee. He was then terrified to walk as he was scared he was going to fall down again or his knee would hurt when he walked. His parents gently told him over and over again that he just needed to get down, stand up and walk, and he would be okay. She compared this to our walk with Christ. Sometimes, we are going to fall down during life. We are going to get scraped up and it is going to hurt. We will have to pay for the consequence of falling- pain. But God is the ultimate pain reliever and if we trust Him he will help us through the pain. He is with us every step that we take, and will not leave us. EVER.

In my anger, I stumbled and I fell. I hurt one of the people that means the most to me in my life. I was praying about it last night and saying "God, I don't want to be in relationships with people if I am going to hurt them and they are just going to hurt me too." And I realized at church today that God is telling me to get down and walk. I am going to be okay, I just have to trust him and his love and healing. It is going to hurt, but that doesn't mean he won't be right by my side holding my hand and wiping away my tears. And I realized that I can trust him with this. He's got it, and I don't need to worry.

Does this mean that my relationship with my friend is fine now, or will be fine in the future? Absolutely not. I have no idea what the future will bring, we may stay friends we may not. We will have to learn to trust each other again. But I do know this- God is sovereign and will do what is best for the both of us in the long run. I know that he has forgiven me not only for this time that I have messed up, but for every time in the past, present and future and I have forgiven myself.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Trust God in every moment. Don't get so wrapped up in where you are going that you don't pay attention to where you are at. He will walk with you every single step of your journey. Just trust him, and trust his mercy, love and forgiveness. He's got it!

You Better Believe You Are Gonna Hear Me ROAR!!!

I'm not really a Katy Perry fan. I don't like to promote her lifestyle or many of her choices. But this song and Firework are two of my top 10 favorite songs of all time. 

I've been doing a LOT of thinking and praying about where God is leading me next. Once I decided I no longer wanted to do Child Life, I felt kind of purposeless. I knew that God was calling me to do something big, but I didn't know what. I had some ideas, but I was too afraid to admit that I had these ideas because I told myself repeatedly that I wasn't capable of accomplishing these ideas. Well guess what? I realized something today. Without God, I am not capable of accomplishing these ideas! 

I am about to be more real on this blog than I have been in the past. I won't go into why I struggle with these things but I will be real: Over the past few years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, insomnia, and probably a list of other things. It has been a really, really tough road. I have gone through fire to get to where I am at today. I have worked on healing past hurts that have made me hurt more than any physical pain ever could. And yet, its invisible. Most people don't know you're struggling. Many people would not know that I've struggled with these things without me saying it. And I am still healing. Over the past few months, I've been trying to decide how to move forward next, and really seeking God to see how he is going to use this pain for my good and for the good of others. 

Broken families, especially kids (and those who are now adults) who experienced any kind of abuse as kids hold a special place in my heart. Im not just talking simply about kids who were in situations so bad that they were taken out of their homes. Im not just talking about the kids who've been sexually abused by obvious molesters. I am talking about kids who are emotionally abused, verbally abused, physically and sexually abused not only by their parents but by any adult in their lives. I'm talking about kids whose parents neglect them emotionally not because they don't love them, but because they simply don't know how to show their kids love properly because they were not shown love by their parents. Im talking about the kids whose parents don't realize how harmful it can be to yell at them, but don't know any other way to make their kids listen. I'm talking about all of these scenarios. But heres the thing: It's not the adult's fault. Yes, they are technically the one doing the abusing but they don't necessarily know any better. You wanna know whose fault it is? SATAN'S. He would love NOTHING more than for families to keep falling apart and for children to keep growing up into adults who feel that they are worthless and not loveable. But you know what? It's time for the church to stand up and do something about it and stop pretending it isn't happening! I believe that abuse infuriates God. He does not want anyone harming his children, and there will be severe punishment for those who abuse children and do not repent. But even those who are guilty of this can start over fresh and new in the hope and saving forgiveness of Jesus Christ! 

This is the first time I am publicising this, but I am going to now because I know that I can accomplish this dream through the help of my Rock and Foundation Jesus Christ. This is what I want to do with my life: I want to get my masters degree in social work and work with a church to provide counseling, healing, and help to broken families, especially those experiencing abuse. I want to work on the front lines providing shelter for those children coming out of abusive homes and make sure that they have Christ centered homes and shelters to stay in until we can help their parents cope with the issues they are facing and make the abuse stop. Sometimes, that can't happen. Sometimes kids do need to be removed from their homes and sever relationships with their parents. And I want to work with them to make sure they get the healing help that they need. 

I want to make sure that parents have resources- a place to ask questions and not be judged. I want the church to stand up and say "Let me help you!" instead of glaring and judging parents and simply shaking their heads at them. I want parents to feel like it is safe to admit that they don't know what to do, and they can admit that they may have hurt their children in a place where the goal is not to judge them or take away their kids but to HELP them.  I want to give parents parenting tips and classes so that the physical abuse stops. I want to teach parents how to communicate with their kids and how to show them true love. I want to help parents heal from the hurts from their childhoods so it doesn't have to carry on to their kids. 

I want to provide foster parents with proper training so that they can recognize when a child is experiencing a flashback or a panic attack. I want to remove foster parents from the system who are abusive themselves and causing kids more trauma. I want to get kids away from molesters and sexual abusers and help those people find Jesus but make sure they never work with kids ever again, and if it is parents that there is an accountability system and healing process to fix the problems this creates in a family setting.  I want to show all these horribly hurting people that there is hope and healing in Jesus Christ!

My struggle with this? I have a ways in my own healing journey to go before I can help families like this. I have told myself for SO long "You will always be too affected by your past to help others. You might as well stop trying." and I realized today that that is nothing but a lie from Satan! I made the decision today that I am no longer going to fight healing and the pain I need to face, but work towards true healing and forgiveness so that I can teach others how to find this freedom that I have already started to discover. I'm not going to stay quiet anymore. I'm not going to bite my tongue and agree with everyone because I am scared. No. God has an awesome plan for me, and it's time to put this plan into action. Get ready because I have had enough of this simply "surviving" thing I have been doing for a while now. I ask for your prayers and support, as it's going to be a difficult journey, but I know that I can do it through him who gives me strength! It's time to put back up a fight and you're gonna hear me ROAR! 

Life Is Not a Snapshot: It Might Take a Little Time to See the Bigger Picture

I haven't written in a long time. In short- my life has been one crazy roller coaster ride from about November till legit this morning. I've barely had time to stop and take a deep breath at the end of each day much less write a blog post about what God has been teaching me about it. But today, after yet another problem occurred I finally found some relief, peace, and calmed down enough to share some of this crazy ride with you! 

As you know from my last post, my life has changed quite dramatically since I decided to quit my internship. I have been looking for a job outside of Child Life and have been extremely frustrated since it has been 2 months and one day since I graduated and I am STILL jobless. (there is a bit of sarcasm here. I should also note that I am technically employed by Concordia. I just mean my dream "real" job hasn't magically landed in my lap yet.)

On top of this, my car has been dying, my phone randomly shuts itself off approximately every hour (with no upgrade available till October) and I have been increasingly realizing how stinkin expensive the adult world is! (especially Ann Arbor!) I hit a point last week where I was like: SERIOUSLY?! As much as I love my parents, the idea of moving back home and having to depend on them again has not sounded all that great. College has taught me to be semi independant and I would like to keep it that way. But with how things have been going, I've been headed in the direction of moving home in a month and being unemployed. Yay.

And then today happened. I tried to drive to church and my car completely died. The transmission went out- meaning no driving anytime soon for me. I went back into my dorm room frustrated, angry and mad at God for not letting me go to church when that is where I needed to be the most! I sat down and said "God, meet me where I am at. I am frustrated and angry and I need some comfort! Show me that where I am at is not in vain!" After some random searches, I found this:

PLEASE watch this if you get a chance. HOLY MOLEY. My mind was completely blown. I am a very visual learner, and Christine's way of describing things and using analogies worked SO perfectly for me! She used the analogy of a dark room developing negatives to God shaping and molding our lives. She talks about how God uses complete darkness and pain to do a "chemical processing" to remove all the bad qualities from our old identities that the world gives us, and makes us into something totally brand new and beautiful- a photograph worth hanging on the wall, his pride and joy.

As I watched this video and laughed and cried in amazement I realized this: God has me EXACTLY where I am at for a reason. My dream is to eventually work with families but especially girls who have experienced all kinds of abuse. I want to help families heal and make changes so that we can reduce the number of kids being abused in our world today. I am hoping to get my masters in social work so that I can provide family therapy and turn it into a ministry with a church someday.

But that being said- I will be working with very BROKEN individuals. People who have experienced pain at unreal levels and have no real idea how to trust people or how to trust God. They have to re-learn how to experience emotion and learn how everyone in the world is not out to get them. Healing is a HUGE undertaking that can only be done through Jesus Christ. But what I realized today is that God has me where I am now, and where I've been in my past so that he can have me help these broken families in the future! I have experienced the pain and heartbreak in my life to be able to relate and help these families in need. Through my pain, I can lead others to the healing love of Jesus. When I used to think about this in the past I would say "That doesn't make some of the stuff I have gone through worth it" but as I thought about it today I thought "Yes. If my story can bring one more person to Jesus, then it is worth it!"

The other point to her sermon was this- God doesn't work like Instagram. Our society is SO used to instant gratification that if we told most of the kids from this generation that we used to have to wait three days before we could see a roll of film and 3/4 of the pictures wouldn't turn out they probably would stare at you like a deer in headlights. They are used to selfies, and if you don't like it you delete it. God is old fashioned, and our lives are like old fashioned film. It's going to take time.

I LOVED when she talked about King David and the time between when he was anointed to be king, and when he actually became king. She said it was approximately TWENTY YEARS. TWENTY YEARS?!?!?!? 20 years to be prepped and trained and molded by God to fulfill his purpose. Wow. And here I am whining because it's been about 6 years for me since I started my healing journey. That simply BLEW MY MIND.

So as I thought about all of this, my mind simply became at peace for the first time in months. I don't know where I will be in a month. I have a job interview lined up, but you never know. But for the first time (possibly in forever!) I am not worried about it. I know that God has it worked out already, and I just need to spend some time in the dark room before this picture develops and I can add it to my photo album of life.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you expecting God to change your life in the amount of time it takes to post it to Instagram? Or are you in it for the long haul and running to the darkroom to be developed? Trust him. Trust his timing. Trust the darkness. It's going to be okay. Don't fight his timing, trust his purpose. If you would have asked me about this yesterday, I would have said something COMPLETELY different to you. You really never know when your time in the darkroom will be over and morning will surface! Trust him!

When it Turns Out Your "Calling" isn't your Calling

For almost as long as I can remember I have known what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to work in the medical field in some sort, and help families experiencing chaos become calm and peaceful. I wanted to work with kids experiencing tragedy and help them learn how to cope. After years of searching I found my "calling"- Child Life.

I pursued this career hardcore- After much research, tears and frustration I applied to only one college- Concordia University because they had the best Child Life program in the country that I could find. I started school here at Concordia, and began my classes and began to uncover what it meant to be a Child Life Specialist. And to be completely honest- I loved it. As I dove deeper into learning about family systems and psychology, I began to fall in love with my degree.

But here's the part I don't talk about much in public about my college life (although if you truly know me at all you know this is true).... I am not the "ideal" student by any means. I was often not paying attention in class, barely read my textbooks, and was always finishing assignments at the last minute. While this was not any different than how I was in high school, college magnified the problem... I was hesitant to apply for things like volunteering at the hospital, my practicums, memberships in things like the Great Lakes Association of Child Life Professionals, or the Child Life Council. I would spend nights over the past summer crying in my room because I knew I needed to fill out my internship applications, but I just didn't want too. I turned almost everything important in late, or right on the deadline and would get mad when people would say things like "If you were more passionate you would have tried harder to get this in on time." On the outside, I would get mad, but on the inside deep down I knew that they were right.

You see, as much as I tried to fake and make people believe that my education in college was my focus and reason for coming to Concordia, it wasn't. And I didn't truly realize that until a few weeks into my Child Life internship. I was not as dedicated to my chosen career as I originally thought I was. As I started my internship, it just wasn't clicking. I just wasn't passionate about Child Life and I could not figure out why. Here is another part where I am going to share something that the majority of you know, but many do not- I have a therapist. I have been going to counseling since I started school here at Concordia for various reasons. After many many talks with my academic advisor Prof Doyle and my counselor Gina I came to this solid conclusion: I don't want to do Child Life anymore. No, its not because I don't see the value in Child Life, or because I don't want to work with sick kids. Those were two aspects of the job I loved. What I hated was ignoring the other "junk" that was going on in families lives and having to pretend that it didn't exist for the child's "benefit". No. I couldn't do that for my entire life. I have seen firsthand what happens when you shove and ignore pain and hurt and I couldn't bring myself to be encouraging families to do just that. No, I have been called to something more than this, and God will use my past to help the families of the future.

This was not an easy decision to come to.  There are many, many more reasons why I decided to make this change, and if you are interested in what they are, feel free to ask me. I have had MANY people freaking out, asking me if I am going to graduate and whatnot. I just want to take this moment and say YES. I am graduating, and I am on track to do something amazing with my life that God is directing I just don't know what it is yet. I am completely at peace about the decision. Yes, I have cried a few times but the decision has been so God oriented that I just can't argue this time.

The day I was meeting with my academic advisor and my supervisor at Beaumont the verse of the day for chapel was this: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2 My mind was blown just a little bit.... God is cutting the branch of Child Life off my tree. It was fruitful, helpful, and necessary for many seasons, but it is no longer bearing fruit. My study notes talked about how the branch being cut may be extremely painful and it may take quite a bit of time to recover and adjust to no longer having that branch. But in the same way, God is pruning the branch of Family Life and helping it to bloom into something more incredible and useful than I could have ever imagined.

I thought that I was coming to Concordia to become a CCLS. I thought that I was coming to make some new friends, and make some great memories. I thought that I was coming here to sort out my past in counseling. But in reality? I came here for a completely different reason: I came here for Jesus to change my life. I came here for him to become the center of my world and heal my heart in only ways that he has been able too. I came here so that he could show me a purpose for my past, and teach me how to use it for his glory in the future. So no. I don't really fit the mold of "ideal student". But in God's eyes, I am PERFECT. And his plan is unfolding in glorious ways and I cannot wait to continue to be a part of it.

This "Game" Called Life

So, I have been slightly obsessed with the Hunger Games over the past few weeks. I have watched it at least 6+ times in the last week and am planning on watching Catching Fire for the first time on DVD this afternoon. Obsessive, I know. I was talking with my best friend Becky last week, and I was saying to her that I just don't understand how a movie about killing people can be so fascinating and teach you so much about life. I was worshipping in church the next day and God gave a connection from the Hunger Games to my life. It gave me a whole new perspective, and really challenged my relationship with God and deepened my love of the Hunger Games.

Our life here on earth is the arena. We are fighting every day to our death, although there is the main difference that there are a lot more survivors than one. We encounter SO many challenges in this life, just like Katniss does in the games. We get burned, and attacked, and experience love and death and friendship. Some days we go hungry and others we have plenty to eat. We get sick, and people that we love and cherish die. But we know and have hope in the fact that because of Jesus, we will win this game and defeat the gamemaker and go to heaven with Jesus! But in reality, it is a longgggg journey to get there that takes endurance, faith, trust and hope.

Satan is the evil gamemaker, and God is in ultimate control of the game, even over the gamemaker. Think of him as a good and kind President Snow. Nothing will be done without him having control over it, and to me that is comforting even though sometimes the things he allows to happen will still hurt us. Jesus is our Haymitch. He talks with God about us and helps us through this game of life that he has already won and he believes in us that we can win too, as long as we let him help us through it and we accept the resources he gives us to help us.

If you have seen the movie or read the books, you know at the beginning Katniss is somewhat stubborn and does not want any help from anyone. Haymitch tells her the key to survival- Letting people help her, and letting them get to know her and like her. This is a HUGE challenge for Katniss and it is for me as well.

I thought about my life over the past few months and I see so much of myself in Katniss. Some days, I am just angry that this game is so hard and that I have to fight in it! I don't want to have to deal with the challenges, I just want my life to be easy. I especially do not want to depend on others for help. My internship has been super challenging for reasons that I will not post on this blog but I have not wanted help from anyone. I have felt that my attitude and my actions have been screaming to others and to God "CAN YOU NOT SEE I'VE GOT THIS?! STOP TRYING TO RESCUE ME. I'M FINE."

I've had fire wounds all over me just like Katniss did in the games. She tries to soothe her wounds using water. In the short term, it helps and is soothing but the relief doesn't last. We do the same thing in life- we use anything we can think of to heal our pain but in reality there is only one person who can give us the healing medication we need- Haymitch. (AKA Jesus)

How long will you keep fighting healing? I've been fighting mine for a long time, so I am truly not one to talk. But as you watch the film, you see this moment of desperation on Katniss's face and Haymitch knows he must help her and when he does she will accept it and he sends her the healing medicine. Jesus is the same way. He sees your pain and he wants to fix it SO desperately. You just need to surrender and accept his help. It won't be easy. It may be degrading, challenging, and more painful in the process but it will be SO worth it.

I have been on this healing journey for a long time, and sometimes I wonder when I will be "done". But realistically? Katniss faced new challenges in the game every single day and was not done until she died. Our lives are the same way. But we will win this fight, remember you are already a victor, so live like a victor and trust that Jesus will take care of you!!

So Happy Hunger Games, and remember the odds are in your favor!