Hello My Name is Marissa. And I Am a Perfectionist.

I realized today, I've had a misconception about life. My entire life I've believed that strength and love, and the ability to "stand" comes from perfection. If you are perfect, people will love you. If you meet the demands of everyone around you, you will be happy and no one will hurt you because you are perfect. When you finally reach perfection, you will be happy.

Sounds crazy right? 

That's probably because it is. I've learned something over the past few months: perfection is impossible. And to a perfectionist? That thought is terrifying. Because if we cannot achieve perfection, how will we ever be happy? 

You see, I've learned a lot over the past four years, and a lot over the past few months specifically. I've learned how to successfully navigate the waters of anxiety, depression, and a host of other things and survive them.  I've learned how to successfully cope and take care of myself. I've told myself for years that as soon as I figured this out, as soon as I was "perfect" I would be happy. Well guess what? I'm coping, I've got it down, but I was not happy. I thought I hit this moment of perfection, only to find out it didn't lead to my happiness. Surprise surprise.

Throughout these months, I have lost two of my biggest support systems: My old therapist, and the relationship with one of my good friends. I have fought and fought and fought trying to salvage the relationship with my friend. I've had this idea "If I just do everything she wants me to, forget the pain that the relationship caused me, and be perfect everything will be fine and we will be good again." I've unconsciously thought this way for months. Until today. When I had a moment where some of the pain that this relationship has caused me came pouring out. As I sat in my car crying, angry and missing my friend I realized this: If I EVER want to be friends with her again, I have some serious stuff in my life I need to work out. If I want to be friends with her again, I'm going to have to allow myself to be imperfect. 

You see, in my world perfect means no tears, no anger, truly no emotion. Perfect means you act in whatever ways the person you are with wants you to to keep yourself and your heart safe. This relationship caused me some serious pain. Some of it was my fault, and some of it was my friends. I have told myself for SO long that if I just pretended this pain had no affect on me, if we could just forget it and move forward we would be fine. But in reality, it needs to be dealt with. The pain needs to be acknowledged, and I need to heal and move on. I need to cry, yell, get angry, and let my heart be free. I need to forgive my friend and I need to forgive myself, and move forward. Because I owe it to myself, and I owe it to her. If I want the benefit of having her as a friend, she deserves to have me as a REAL friend. I cannot be a friend and harbor anger and pain and throw the blanket of "perfection" aka kind words and gifts over it and expect everything would be okay. For so long, I thought freedom and happiness would come once I reached perfection. But thank God, I finally realize that that is not the case. 

You see, Jesus is the ultimate picture of perfection He is perfection. Perfection died on a cross, the most horrific, awful, horrendous way to die. Jesus had to go through hell on earth so that we could be reunited with our heavenly father. Perfection faced pain. Perfection defeated death. For me. My whole life, I've been striving to be "perfect" by the worlds standards. But what would my life be like if I had a new goal of "perfection"? What if I want my life to reflect the Perfect savior who died on the cross for me and saved me from Hell? What if I truly allowed my heart and mind to function in the way my heavenly Father designed and was like Jesus? What if I allowed myself to cry, to get angry, to be exactly who God created me to be? What would life be like? I know what it would be like. I might actually find more than happiness. I might find exceedingly great joy. If I am going to be a perfectionist, I want to be a perfectionist striving toward being Christlike, not like how the world wants me to be. 

I heard this song by Rascal Flatts today. I heard this part and thought YES. That is exactly where I am at right now! 

"When push comes to shove You taste what you're made of. You might bend 'til you break 'cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong. Wipe your hands, shake it off. Then you stand, Yeah, then you stand."

I've spent months on my knees, curled up on the ground, yelling at God saying "WHY WON'T YOU JUST FIX THIS ALREADY!" When in reality, all I had to do is look up and say "I've had enough. Help me. Defend me. Be my shelter. Give me strength to get mad, to hurt and heal and to get stronger." And now, I can wipe the dirt, grime and tears off my bruised and cut up hands, shake off everything that has happened and stand. 

The next few weeks, months, and years will not be easy. I do not know how long this healing process will take. I know I have a long way to go. But for the first time in my life, I'm not making this decision to make someone else happy. I'm not doing this to save my relationship with my friend, or to simply try and be a better person. No, I am doing this because God has created me for so much more than what I have been living for and it's high time that I start living that way. Thank God for new beginnings. I'm excited to see where this journey takes me.