I went into this weekend mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I just kept thinking "Just get to Saturday Marissa. Just get to Saturday and everything will be okay. You will be at home, and everything will be fine." My week slowly got more and more stressful, and I got more and more overwhelmed. I kept getting super frustrated with my girls and was taking out my anger and frustration on them more often than I think I probably should have been. I just got so so so tired of trying to do this job in my own strength and it took me coming home to realize one simple thing:
I Can't.
I realized that as much as my girls drive me CRAZY sometimes, I still love them. I love them through the cuts and bruises (both intentional and not). I love them through the screaming, swearing, throwing things, restraints, and tears. I love them through episodes of depression, and anxiety. I love them when they are frightened and hurting. I just love them. And nothing they can do will ever change that. And I realized, thats how Jesus feels about us. He simply loves us no matter how big of a mess we make. And He is there to clean up our messes. I cannot, cannot love these girls unconditionally through my own strength as much as I have been trying to for the past two months. I have tried and tried, and fought and fought to "fix" them all on my own and I can't. And it took coming home and seeing people I love and going to my church for me to recognize that it is NOT all about me- it is all about Him. And He brought me here to do His work- not for me to come here and have it be all about me and my healing. Which in turn is happening, but I am realizing it is NOT always about me. And my needs cannot always come first anymore, and that is okay. But I've also realized that sometimes it HAS to be about me, or else I wouldn't be able to do my job either. It's a really crazy delicate balance.
And so I have come back to Missouri with a changed perspective- one that is about Him, and letting Him guide me instead of me trying to do it my way. I've given up on doing this job on my own- its impossible. And I think I am slowly becoming okay with that. I got back and discovered that this weekend was a literal version of hell for my coworkers. While I was at home having a blast, they were literally waging war, battling to keep these girls safe no matter what the cost. As I heard about everything that happened as a coworker caught me up, I was in awe. I was in awe of the strength of my coworkers and the love and compassion that they showed not only to the littles, but to each other. It amazes me. It inspires me. And it only encourages me to completely change how I've operated since I have been here.
At my church on Sunday, we had a missionary guest speaker. She talked about how her daughter had horrendous behavior and got kicked out of three christian colleges. But by the grace and power of God alone, her daughter completely turned her life around. She turned in stuff she had stolen, she gave up cigarettes, and a lot of other things out of nowhere. And all the missionary kept saying was "This was ALL God. There was nothing I could have done or said that would have gotten through to her. All we could was keep loving her throughout her pain." And it hit me in that moment. It is NOT my job to heal my girls. It is not my job to protect them from everything that is going to hurt them. But it is my job to show them unconditional love no matter what the cost. It is NOT my job to fix them.
I realized- we are fighting a spiritual, and sometimes spiritual battle every single day here at Shelterwood. Every day. And yet 90% of the time? I go into battle without my armor. I've had this entitled mindset of "God brought me here, he will show me what I need and I wont get hurt. I don't need that silly 'armor' stuff. I will be fine." HA. Funny jokes! I realized this weekend that I am NEVER going to make it through this year if I don't start wearing the right armor! I saw this picture a few weeks ago, and I thought it was SO perfect for the Shelterwood girls staff:
Sometimes, we don't look like warriors here at Shelterwood. Sometimes, we are all dressed up and pretty wearing heels, going to shelties, and reinforcing to our girls that they are beautiful no matter what. Sometimes we are wearing heels chasing residents around the loop, or ripping them off and running through the woods. Sometimes, we are in pajamas on night watch calming down a resident having a panic attack or throwing up. Sometimes, we are filthy and scratched up and bleeding from chasing someone through the woods. Sometimes we have no voice from yelling trying to find someone. Sometimes we are sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears because we just don't know what to do or say anymore. Sometimes, a lot of times, we don't look like warriors. And we definitely dont feel like warriors. But we are. And that's exactly what God has called us to be- High heel wearing, God loving and fearing warrior women. And thats what I want to be. I want to be a warrior for Christ, fighting for these girls against the devil when they are too weak to fight themselves. We can fight through prayer, and scripture, and encouragement, and love. And it's not an easy battle, but God will not let us down and I am certain of that. This song has been the theme song of my life for the past few weeks, describing perfectly where I am at in life right now:
I feel like this post is all over the place, but I hope it gives you an idea of where I am at in life and what God is teaching me. Continue praying for me, and my girls, and all of the staff. We all need it!
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