The Nature of Growth Is That It Comes With Weeds

I had a panic attack today. 

There. I said it. It's out in the open. I used to have panic attacks all the time, realistically anytime I had to face a social situation, or talk to someone who I was fighting with or afraid of, someone I didn't know or adults in general. But in reality, I wasn't aware that they were panic attacks and I didn't realize I had control over them until I got into college and started real therapy. And slowly I went from having a few panic attacks a month, down to having only 1-2 a year. I was thrilled to finally have control over my anxiety, and excited to be almost panic attack free. 

It was like my garden of life was filled with tons and tons of weeds (mental health issues) and after a lot of work, I got it all cleaned up. My life was good. My garden was pretty. A weed would pop up here and there, but I would pull it out quickly and then move on. But then, the more work I started doing in counseling, the more weeds started popping up. Not only panic attacks, but nightmares, seasons of depression, and other mental health issues began to plague my life and my garden was overwhelmed with weeds to the point where I contemplated no longer trying to get rid of the weeds and giving up on the garden. But by the grace of God once again, I got my garden cleaned up and I thought everything was "perfect". Or so it seemed. 

Then I came to Shelterwood. And it was like every single thing I have ever struggled with has come bubbling to the surface Every. Single. Day. And I have started flipping out. Every time depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, or anything else I have ever struggled with has started rearing it's ugly head I have FREAKED out. I am reading a book right now and I read this part tonight and it really spoke to my heart. It said:

"A sin or struggle pops up in our lives and we're horrified. "OH NO!" we declare. "Now everything God has done in my life is ruined!" But God is only interested in pulling the weed. It's not a surprise to Him. It doesn't change the growth we've seen. God knew all along the weed was there. Now it's simply time to deal with it. He chose you know that that seed would one day sprout and come to the surface. And in his infinite love, he picked the perfect time to bring it to your attention so He can remove it." 

I read this, and my heart became at peace for the first time all day. My mind stopped racing, and my heart stopped pounding as I sat there and thought "God knew. God knew my panic attacks would come back up. And thats okay. He brought it up at the right time, and He can remove them." It doesn't change how far I've come, and it doesn't change where I am going. Because in reality? Thats the nature of growth. It comes with weeds. You can't have the beauty of flowers without weeds. 

When I have a panic attack I usually am ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't 'control' myself enough to make sure it didn't happen. But in reality? God is still in control even when I feel like I am not. God is in control even when I am truly not in control. This week I've been SO overwhelmed with so many changes-new things to learn, new bigs coming, personal emotional stuff coming up, and the girls being crazy. I told a friend today "I feel like I have absolutely zero control over my life right now physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually and I feel like I am spiraling out of control, and quite frankly it is scaring me." 

A gardner would never decide not to plant flowers simply because of the weeds that would come too. The gardner never looks at the weeds and thinks "I should have never planted these flowers! Stupid weeds!" No, all he sees is the beauty of the flowers. He simply walks over, plucks the weeds, and then looks at the beauty of the flowers. 

God does the same with me. He sees my panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and hosts of other problems and thinks "Silly weeds. You are taking away from the beauty of the flowers!" and pulls them out. He doesn't seem them as awful, horrible things that must stay forever. No, they are present but they don't HAVE to stay forever. 

And so I sit here on my nightwatch, challenged by this idea of God as a gardner, pruining the flowers in my garden of life. Not in a way that is cutting up everything in sight with a chainsaw, but pulling out the weeds down to the root. It might take some pulling and shaking, but it's going to be whats best for me in the long run. I know I am starting to ramble, (give me a break, its almost 3 am!) but I hope this encourages you as it has encouraged me. It's time to stop expecting our gardens to no longer have weeds and be perfect. We live in a sinful world, and we are going to mess up. Are we going to continue waisting our time sitting in the garden crying about the weeds? Or are we going to let the gardner do his job, remove the weeds, and sit back and enjoy the flowers?

I am on a journey to give up my perfectionism and learn that I am loved without having to earn it. It's been a long journey, and I know God has already brought me so far. I cannot wait to see where he takes me next as I find my identity in Him, and I find what his true identity is.