He's Making Diamonds!

Have you ever just felt like a dirty piece of coal? Like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to improve your mood, you're just cranky? And if anyone touches you, or if you fall, you might break into a million pieces? Or no matter how hard you try to keep your house clean there are dirty clothes and dirty dishes everywhere, much like leaving coal dust anywhere a piece of coal dust has sat? 

This is how I have felt for a few weeks now. My depression and anxiety has been flaring up quite a bit, and I have had trouble managing it as well as I have been for the past few months. Luckily, today it feels like I might be starting to come out of it which is a huge blessing. But I've sat around for weeks feeling like nothing more than a lump of coal, going to work in the morning, and then coming home and going to bed and doing it over and over again. 

I have sensed for a while now that this season I am in right now is coming to a close, but what is next is still pretty unsure. There are a few opportunities on the horizon, but nothing near set in stone. I knew from the beginning of this season that God was giving me a season of rest and preparation for whatever is to come next. And it's put a LOT of pressure on me. Very, very uncomfortable pressure. It's been building up my skin, and helping to see my true identity in Christ, instead of my identity that the world attempts to give me. 

I've sat back and watched as this season has ripped me apart. God has broken me down to nothing over and over and over again over the past 9ish months. I listened to the song I am going to include below, and one of the lines says "I've surrendered to the power of being crushed by love." This season has been different for that matter- I am no longer being crushed by the world, or by Satan- I am being crushed, changed, molded and polished by the loving hands of God. 

Yes, I have been depressed and I have been anxious. But I have been depressed and anxious because I am sick and tired of waiting on God and his timing. I want things decided NOW because it works best for me NOW. I have developed this whole new plan of how I think this new season is supposed to go, and I basically said "Okay God, got it all planned for you, now go do it for me, k thanks!" 

Friends, that is NOT how God works. With this new "plan" I came up with yesterday (After I felt that God was not working quickly enough with the plan he presented to me a month ago which covers all my wants and needs adequately, just not abundantly) God really called me out on it this morning. I devised a plan where I would get another job I applied for yesterday, have no financial stains or struggles, be working where I want, have a nice car, live with a friend, and have everything work out I have planned for it, all for the 'glory' of God. 

Ew. Does that make you as sick as it makes me? I feel like God sat me down this morning and gently said "Marissa, if you get this job, you will have built such glorious, beautiful walls of protection for yourself, you won't anyone in your life anymore, but you won't need me either. This isn't how I designed you. I designed you to need me, and that is okay." 

I think of Jonah running away from Ninevah. God has shown me over and over again that He has a plan for this next season, and I just need to trust him. But do I listen? No. I say "Ohhh no God. That can't possibly be what you mean.... You wouldn't ask that of ME. You wouldn't ask me to take a job again where I can barely cover my finances. No. You must mean someone else. Not me. Don't worry, I'll show you what you actually meant. No worries!" ME. Little, sinful, human ME thinks that I know better than God. WHAT. 

I sit here with excuse after excuse saying "Wellllll I've been through hard thingsssss. God owes meeee." or "I already served God once. Why should I have to do that again?" or "I am sure there is someone who would be a better fit for this job anyway. It doesn't HAVE to be me." Or "Can't I just get what I want oneeee timeee?!" 

Who do I honestly think I am? 

I look at myself and my sinful, self centered mind and it makes me want to vomit. This isn't how God works people, not at all. God is not a god of demands. He already conquered death, he defeated the grave. Because of Him, and his unbelievable suffering, I get the chance to LIVE instead of die. I get the chance to live anxiety and depression free. I get the chance to get to spend eternity with family members whos lives have been destroyed by drugs, alcohol, and mental illness and spend eternity with them in the way that God created them to be- perfect whole and free. And that in itself is a GIFT. God owes me NOTHING.

God gave me the incredible gift of life, and it is my honor and duty to spread that love and opportunity with others. And if God is showing me an avenue to do that more effectively who I am to tell the King that defeated death that He is wrong?!

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... I am sure you are under pressure. It probably is different pressure than I am under, but it's pressure. I want to challenge you to take your mind off the process today, and put it on the end result- put your focus on getting to be that diamond. Talk to God about the pressure. Yell at him, scream at him, it's okay. It hurts and he knows it. But, the outcome will be SO worth the process. I can promise you that!!!! I also want to challenge you to trust Him where he leads you. Even if it seems insane, or not worth the pain, trust him. Accept his plan and it will pay off in the end.