Confessions of a Human Doing

If I am being honest, the past month has been extremely frustrating for me. As many of you know, I love working with kids. It's what fills me, drives me, gives me passion and fulfillment. And I took this new job excited for all the things I would be able to do for these girls who would be under my care. 

And then the last two weeks of September happened, and my 'plan' went to shreds. We haven't had girls since then. And we've sat around as staff talking and wondering "What the heck is going on?! Normally we have a waiting list of girls!" We have prayed, we have wondered, we have worked hard trying to do everything we can to pass time till we get girls again. 

And as we have gone through this process, I have realized something. I find a LOT of my identity in my work. I find a LOT of my worth in my work. And I have begun feeling like If I am not doing meaningful work, maybe I don't have as much meaning as I thought. Basically, my worth is only as good as the work that I perform. Now, before you all go berserk on me telling me my worth comes from Jesus, and that my worth is not performance based, let me answer you: I know. But as someone who has struggled with this idea her ENTIRE life, it is not a struggle that goes away without a severe, intense fight. And it loves to come back and visit at all the wrong times, just like your annoying relatives. 

And so I have sat these past few weeks at work with my inner world constantly churning 24/7, feeling completely unworthy of this job, my anxiety and depression spiking constantly, and just feeling like a hot mess more often than not. And as I sat in tears talking to my counselor a few days ago she gently told me that this time off is good, and giving me a chance to really adjust to life in Ohio. She told me that this time of 'nothing' may be good because it is really allowing me to address some strongholds and places of deep deep pain before I have to put most of my energy into caring for girls again. And as I thought through this, I remembered something my friend told me a few years ago: I am a human BEING not a human DOING. Sometimes you just gotta take a chill pill and just BE, and have that be okay. 

And so that is what this past month has looked like for me, learning how to simply be a real, authentic, human BEING. I am learning how to just be Marissa in every sense of the concept. How to be calm Marissa, anxious Marissa, happy Marissa, sad Marissa, excited Marissa, exhausted Marissa, energized Marissa, healthy Marissa, and simply just Marissa as a whole person. I've spent time laughing, crying, talking, coloring, and just learning who I am as a person. And as much as I have HATED it in some regards, I know this is what God needs from me right now. He needs me to learn who the real Marissa is, so that I can help the girls find their real, true selves that He has created them to be. 

I have people in my life who only seemingly want to talk when they want something from me. It's frustrating, draining, and hurtful at times. And yet, I know I do the exact same thing to others and it's something that I have tried for years to stop doing and something that I hope I have improved on. But if this move has showed me nothing else, it has shown me my worth as a human being, and that I don't have to simply stay in relationships with people, or in a job, or really anything because people 'tolerate' me. I have worth simply because of one thing and one thing alone: I am a Child of God. And that my friends, is all that matters. Not how often people text me. Not how often I feel like I am being used by people. Not how often I feel loved. No, simply the fact alone that I am a Child of God gives me all the worth I can and will ever need. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a human doing? Are you convinced that if you stopped doing things for the people you love they would stop loving/talking to you? Can I encourage you to let that go today? Or at least ask God to work in that, and to step in and to start healing your heart? I encourage you to take a deep breath, and take this weekend to just be. 

Be present in your day. Shut off your phone for a while. Get off FB. Call an old friend. Go for a walk. Go do some art. Listen to some music. Just take time for you, and let God show you the "you" he created you to be. Take a moment, breathe, and just be.