Month 10- Painting Pictures of Egypt

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked. 'Cuz the future feels so hard and I wanna go back!" 

I've loved this song for a long time. It's applicably fit to so many seasons of my life simply because it represents how I deal with change- I always want to go back to what I had before no matter how hard of a season it was. I feel like this song once again truly fits how I have spent this past month- longing for the places I've been like a long lost friend. I love how the song says "The place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live. It wasn't milk and honey, but then again neither is this." The season I am in is unpredictable. I am constantly making decisions that don't make sense to anyone, and people wonder what the heck I am thinking. I wish I could say that I know what I am doing and I have a plan, but in reality I don't at all. I am truly taking each day step by step, and learning where God needs me in this new season. 

If I was going off emotion entirely, I would be back at Shelterwood already. I miss my girls terribly, and that is still getting harder instead of easier. I've still had a hard time remembering how to set boundaries for myself, and re-learning how to take care of myself properly. I'm having to relearn what realistic expectations are from an employer again, and realistic expectations for myself again. It would be SO much easier to go back to the wood and live in the life I had developed for myself there. But, the real question is would I still be growing if I had stayed? If we are being honest, the people that challenged me to grow, and truly "got me" as a human had left in August. I had no one left at the wood who really was my ally and knew how to challenge me to pursue growth. So in reality, all I was left with was struggle and little to no growth. If we are being honest, the season of growth in Missouri ended, and it was time to go. But that is much easier said than done. I love how the song says "I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go." I cried about my decision for about 2 months before finally quitting. I prayed, I begged God to not make me go. I prayed he would send me another mentor after Kari left knowing I would need someone else to help me along the journey. But God didn't answer that prayer in the way that I wanted him to and it made me so angry. But in reality? This is the truth:

"The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned."

It's frustrating. It's irritating. It's aggravating. I want to be able to go back to the places I used to be! Part of me wants to still be that person. And yet, seeing the changes in me even since I have been home are incredible. Once I recover fully from my time in Missouri, it's gonna be pretty cool. God already is taking me new places, and teaching me so so so so much about Him and his character. At first, (and still most days) I was irritated that I am nannying. I miss my girls. I want to be having deep conversations, and taking them on Dunkin Donut runs. Not changing dirty diapers and carrying a crying baby all day. I sit here and think "God! I want to be doing life changing work! Not this kinda stuff!" And yet, God spoke to my heart this morning and said "Marissa, what if the life changing work I want to accomplish right now is in you? What if I am using this baby to teach you about my love for you and compassion for you? What if I am using this job as a gentle way for you to learn how to take care of yourself and set boundaries again? What if I am using this job to simply give you some rest from pouring into others all the time? What if this season is to teach you things that are going to help you do life changing work later on? What if this work that you are doing right now is life changing for the family that you are working for?" Me: "Oh. Yeah. That could make sense." 

So here we are 10 months into a year long journey. I don't know what this month is going to hold. I envision that God is going to continue teaching me things in ways I can't even imagine yet, and while I miss Shelterwood, and I miss my girls terribly, I know I had to leave so God could continue using me and it's going to be okay in the long run. I never pictured that this is how the journey was going to go. I pray consistently for my girls and for my old coworkers, I may not be there physically but I can still support them spiritually. I want my girls to know how much I love and miss them, and I wish I could give them all hugs and talk for hours with them all about what God is teaching them, I also have an important job from home- I need to show them consistency. I need to show them that boundaries and taking care of yourself even when things change is important. I need to show them that even when people leave they can still stay a part of their lives. I need to show them that I still care and am praying for them. It's different, it's uncomfortable, but it's still very important.

So here is my random thought of the day: Just because we long for a season from the past does not mean we are not where we are supposed to be. God expects us to struggle with new seasons, and His grace is enough for that. Thank you for following me on this journey, and I pray that what God is teaching me helps you along your journey as well!! 

"There's No Way I Was Born to Just Pay Bills and Die."

Have you ever planned an event or created artwork and when you started you had this vision in your mind of what you thought it was going to turn out like, and then when reality hit it looked NOTHING like you planned, and you were super disappointed? This is something I struggle with WAY Too often it seems. It can range from simple things, like thinking my outfit or hair looks amazing when I plan it in my head, only to be disgusted when I actually try it, to planning surprise parties for friends and having a fabulous vision in my head only to have no one show up. It's frustrating, it's tiring, and a lot of times this contributes to my negative attitude.

I try to be positive, I really do. But a lot of times? Life does not go the way I plan for it to. Take yesterday for example. It had snowed the night before so the roads were slick when I left for counseling in the morning. What should have been a 15 min drive suddenly turned into a 35 minute drive. Ridiculous. Because of that, I ended up being late to counseling which then made me late for work. (I'm already frustrated by this point, not to mention even thinking about stuff I worked on in counseling.) Then, I run home to quickly eat lunch and change my clothes to get to the next job, where I am almost late again because of the roads even when leaving early. I get through work, excited to finally get to go home so I can run a few errands and prepare for a party I am hosting tonight. Only guess what? I managed to lock my keys in my car. I was basically in tears at this point, and finally had to have the police come unlock my car. I go to the store, buy a bunch of stuff, get home, make dinner, bake for hours, and then collapse in bed, exhausted. As I laid in bed last night I couldn't help but think "This is NOT how this was supposed to go! January was supposed to make my life easier, not harder! I hate this!"

People look at me strangely when I tell them it is hard for me to function like a normal human still after coming home from Shelterwood. If I can actually sleep for 8 hours at night, eat 3 semi healthy meals, drink water, take my medications, and maybe get in some exercise all while not forgetting to do very important things like pay bills, all in one day it is TRULY miraculous. Usually I can get 90% of those things, but never 100%. It's frustrating. It's tiring. It's embarrassing trying to explain to someone yet again why I am too overwhelmed right now to be able to handle going to the grocery store. And yet, I thought that everything was going to magically change come January when I would be making more money and working jobs that I enjoy.

I've come to a conclusion today as I have sat and pondered these things. My happiness can no longer be based on my circumstances. If that is the case, I am probably going to be miserable for the rest of my life. It's up to me to do my best with the life that God has given me, and to flourish and thrive within that context if I choose to do so. But that being said, I have to choose.

I can keep comparing myself to people and wishing my life would be different or I can do something about it. This year doesn't have to "suck" simply because it hasn't gone exactly how I thought it was going to. I don't know exactly what that means yet, but something has gotta change because I am not content with living a mediocre life. I saw the quote earlier "There is no way I was born to just pay bills and then die." And I feel like thats where I am at right now- my whole existence revolves around paying bills just to survive, and then eventually die. I know I was created for more than that, and I am on a mission to find out exactly what that is.

2015- The Fastest Year of My Life

New Year's Eve 2015. My first thoughts? "Holy crap! It's over?! Where did 2015 go?! Wasn't I just sitting in my living room writing a blog post a few days ago about how excited I was for 2015 and living in Missouri?! WOAH." And now here I sit thinking over the great moments of this year, and the awful moments of this year, pondering if next year will be better or worse.

I am a HUGE goals person. I like structure, lists, and checklists. I like feeling accomplished when I set out to do something and actually accomplish it. I love checking in with myself at the end of every year and seeing what goals I was able to accomplish, and readily setting new goals for the next year.

But this year? Something is different. I don't have the motivation to set goals for next year. All I can think about when I think about 2015 is "Thank God I survived." Was it a bad year? No. Not at all. My time at Shelterwood was HARD don't get me wrong. A lot was painful, and a lot was brought up and thrown in my face. My character was challenged every single day, and refined to be more Christlike in all I say and do. But that being said, I feel like 2015 put me through a ringer. I am exhausted, and looking forward to a year with more stability, and praying for less chaos. I look back on all the lessons that God has taught me over this year, and I am beyond amazed and thankful for all the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. And if I had the chance, I wouldn't change the experiences that I have had this year.

I met SO many amazing people this year- Elise, Bailey, Caitlin, Jessica, Kari, Amy, all my littles, and so many more forever friends. My relationships with family and friends became stronger even though I was MIA for most of the year and unable to communicate well or take care of myself sometimes. My faith has increased SO MUCH and I couldn't really ask for much more than that. 2015 was filled with many great adventures to see many friends- I got to go to many different states that I hadn't been to before- Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and DC. I got to see lots of cool movies, hang out with many friends, read some great books, had lots of wonderful coffee dates, learn more about myself, eat really cool foods, explore new places, and overall had a wonderful time.

So here is to 2016. I don't have a resolution in mind. I don't have a bunch of things I want to change about myself. I just want to have a year where I feel free to be me in whatever context that may bring- both good times and bad times. I know God will use it all for His glory and I am excited to look back at this time next year and see where he led me.

If you're reading this, thanks for doing life with me, and taking time to read this. You're a gem! Happy New Year!

Month 9 Update- My Hope is in Him Alone

I realize this post is a few days past the 16th, but I figure better late than never. I've had a LOT going on the past few weeks, so remembering to do small things has been quite a challenge. How have I been this month? I feel like the picture is a good representation- I feel like I am going through fire. 

It's starting to become really real to me that I am never going back to Shelterwood. I've watched on Facebook this month as girls who are very near and dear to my heart have been graduating and it is seriously killing me that I am not there. I miss them everyday. People ask me all the time if I am glad to be home. Yes, I am glad that I am home so that I can make my health a priority. But other than that? No, I am not so thrilled about it. Yes, there are perks to being home, a lot of them at that. 

I got to see my friend Jessica for the first time since August this weekend. It was the first time I had seen someone from Shelterwood since I left. We had a really good time together, and I realized how much I truly miss the work I was doing and the girls, and my co-workers. After I dropped her off at the airport I cried. A lot. I listened to the song by MercyMe "Homesick". I'm homesick for the good times I had at Shelterwood. I'm homesick for all the good memories I made before things changed at the end of the summer. I am homesick for fun times with my girls and crazy laughs and deep talks with my co-workers. 

I think of the Israelite slaves who were homesick for Egypt because it was comforting and familiar regardless of the fact that they were slaves, and I feel like a slave longing for Egypt. They didn't want to go back to slavery- but they did want to go back to an "easy" life where they didn't have to figure anything out. They simply did as they were told. I don't miss working 80 hours a week. I don't miss horribly intense panic attacks. I don't miss having limited free time and never getting to see or talk to my family or friends. But there are a LOT of good things that I do miss, and things that I miss that were not good for me. I miss being able to put my girls first and myself second and ignore what was going on in my heart even though that was NOT healthy at all. I miss being SO busy that I never had time to take care of myself. Again NOT healthy at all. But in a lot of ways it was easier than the season I am in right now because it was predictable and familiar.  I know that God brought me home for many reasons. He is working in my heart in ways I could have never comprehended. I thought of this part of the song "Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know but, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more homesick than now." I don't understand what God is doing right now. I don't understand why he lead me to Missouri only to bring me home after what felt like wayyy too soon. I don't understand why He allowed the circumstances to come together so that I had to leave Shelterwood in a traumatic way and not say goodbye to many people that I love dearly. But I feel like if I even if I did completely understand why He brought me home, the pain would be the same. I would still miss my girls, and the pain of him chiseling away my impurities would still be excruciatingly painful. 

I wish I could say I wasn't still bitter. I wish I could say I wasn't angry anymore that I am home, but in reality? I am. My heart is frail, and hurting. My emotions have been all over the place this month, and it has frustrated me in so many ways but as I sit here typing this I know God is healing me, and in order to heal it has to hurt for a bit. I know from past the pain will slowly get easier with time, one minute at a time. I am starting two new jobs next month, Christmas is coming, and I know God is working. I thought of another song while I was writing this that I first heard at a church called Redeemer in Kansas City. Take time to listen to it, you won't regret it. 

I love the part "When my pressings faint Lord, I know you hear, though I can barely speak

And I beg of you please draw me near, for I am much too weak. For God alone my soul wait in silence. For my hope is from him in God alone." I can barely speak right now- my energy and time is limited and my heart hurts more often than it doesn't. But I know God is working. And I am choosing to keep my trust and hope in Him because I know He will not fail me now. So here we go. Another month down, another one to go. The main thing I have learned this month? That I am really proud of myself for leaving Shelterwood even though I didn't want to. I am really proud of myself for trusting God to carry me through even though the waters have been rough and deep. I am really proud of myself for pushing on, when a lot of times my circumstances tell me not to. I have no interest in quitting. I will keep pushing on because God is not through with me yet, and my hope is in Him alone.

Month 8 Update! It's Time to Let the World See What You're Made Of!

(Disclaimer: I am SO sorry if this is all over the place. I am just really happy and my brain often goes faster than my fingers can type. My sincerest apologies! :) ) 

Eight months. WOW! It seriously feels like just yesterday I was walking through the doors of Shelterwood, and yet here I sit at my favorite spot- Washtenaw Ave Starbucks in good ol' Michigan. And yet, I am AMAZED and THRILLED to be here. I couldn't say that a month ago. A month ago? I was bitter, angry, hurting and truly not okay in any sense of the word. But seriously, watching God transform my life this past month has been unbelievable! I am truly the happiest and most alive that I have ever been in my life. Do I still get anxious? Absolutely. Do I still struggle with depression occasionally? Absolutely. And yes, I am still only working part time and living with my parents. But you wanna know what changed? I stopped fighting it, and I stopped hating myself for where I was at in life. 

I walked out of Shelterwood feeling like the biggest piece of crap EVER. I felt like a failure that would never work with kids ever again. I felt like my past was 100% going to dictate my future, and there wasn't really a lot of hope left for me. In short, I was a MESS. A hot mess. I had gotten SO wrapped up in so many things that happened to me while I was at the 'wood and in my past that I had literally buried myself in pain and regret and could not get myself out. I saw no purpose for the pain I had experienced, and was so unsure of what I was even going to do with myself once I survived my year at Shelterwood and came back to Michigan. And when I finally left? It reinforced to myself what an utter failure I was, and I was so so ashamed and had a rough couple weeks when I first returned to Michigan.  

But one day after another bought with anxiety and a minor panic attack because yet again I couldn't find a full time job after searching for HOURS I took a deep breath and said to myself "Marissa, honey, this has got to stop. You've got to give yourself some grace! Think about all the GOOD things you learned at Shelterwood. You would never put these expectations on someone else in your shoes, so why do it to yourself? You are a human BEING not a human DOING. God will provide. It's okay to just BE where you are. No one is judging you, its gonna be okay." And with that, I stopped. I stopped hating myself for not being able to work full time. I stopped beating myself up every time I wanted to take a nap. I stopped nagging myself to apply for jobs. I let myself eat when I was hungry, sleep when I wanted to sleep, I admitted to friends when I was having a bad day. I started being honest with my counselor again. In reality? I started to LIVE again, maybe for the first time in my life. And my heart has flourished! It's incredible!!!! The only answer? God. I have prayed more in this past month than I think I have ever before, simply praying that God would give me the desire for HIS plan for my life and not my own, and give me the strength to simply rest and let Him handle the tough stuff. 

I have LOVED this song from the moment I heard it, it has been my anthem for the month to say the least! 

I love it all, but these parts especially: 

Sometimes the world feels like a mess

Full of drama, full of stress

And life puts a fist right in your ribs

You can hide if you choose to

And no one would even blame you

Or you can let them see how you deal with it

That even in the darkest place

His love can make you radiate!

(chorus)

Doesn’t matter how deep, how dark the night is

Keep hoping, keep on shining

And they’ll see His light burning in your heart!

And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up

Let the world see what you’re made of

That His love’s alive in your deepest parts

Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are

He made you to glow in the dark! 

I loved the part that says "You can hide if you choose to and no one would even blame you! Or you can let them see how you deal with it, that even in the darkest place His love can make you radiate!" That hit me one day, and I was like "Okay world! It's time to show you what I'm made of- JESUS!" I was praying at church yesterday and God brought this verse to my mind:

Satan intends to use my pain against me, and he got me pretty good while I was at the 'wood. He got me more defeated than I thought I had ever been in my life. BUT. God also brought SO MUCH STINKING GOOD out of it I just want to proclaim it from the rooftops because through it I found HIM. I found Jesus! And God will NOT let this pain go to waste, He promises that many times throughout the word. We just have to choose to believe it. And finally? I am choosing to believe it! 

My "plan" (I use that loosely now lol) looks a lot different now than I thought it would even 2 months ago. But I know this is the right plan for me. I am applying for nannying jobs, and jobs working with kids and teens as I pay back my student loans and work on some stuff in counseling. This is where my priority is right now, and that's totally okay! My later plan is to start grad school in the near future and go back to school to become a counselor and get my certification as a play therapist. I cannot, cannot wait to use children's natural language (play) and guide them to healing through the love of Jesus. I want to guide children and parents to the love of Jesus and show them who can truly save their lives. Who can blow up the chains of depression, anxiety, and addiction through HIS name alone! So no. I am not finishing my "year" I may not be a Shelterwood graduate. But you know what?  I am not now, nor have I EVER been a failure. This year has still ROCKED my world and I am forever eternally grateful and I can't wait to see how God continues working! It's gonna be phenomenal, and I am thankful you are coming along on the ride with me! 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are NOT a failure. It does not matter if the CEO or President of your company tells you that you are- YOU ARE NOT because GOD says so! You can shine wherever you are, and I hope and pray that this encourages you today to take a look at the lies that you believe about yourself and challenge yourself to let God rock your world and show you who you really are through him!

Life is a Climb, but the View is Great

I just finished day two of working at Concordia once again. If you had told me a year ago that at this time next year I'd be back living at home and working at Concordia doing maintenance, I would have told you you were BEYOND crazy because I would never let that happen! I was getting a real job! But in reality? Here we are. And surprisingly, I am okay with it.

You see, at first I was horribly embarrassed to be home, working a job like maintenance barely able to sleep, eat and function like a normal person sometimes. I was so anxious about going to work my first day... All I could think was "What will my profs think?! What will my mentors think?! What will students I know think?! Everyone is going to be SO disappointed in me!" But in reality? It went TOTALLY fine! I was greeted with excitement, compassion, warm hugs and prayers. I quickly realized? This is okay. This season is okay. I am okay. No, the situation is far from ideal. But after talking with my former profs and mentors it became more and more clear to me that this is EXACTLY where God needs me right now, and I am more loved by my Concordia family than I have ever realized.

As I have worked the past two days, realizing quite quickly that the physical task of cleaning is exactly what my mind and body need right now to keep healing and moving forward, I have had a thought run through my head:

"I wish someone would have told me that I didn't have to have my life completely figured out right after college." 

I wish someone would have told me I might not land my "dream job" as soon as I crossed the stage. 

I wish someone would have told me that life after college might be a rollercoaster, and not a smooth ride.

I wish someone would have told me that it is completely okay and acceptable to work jobs like maintenance or food service just to make a living even if you have a college degree. 

I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be to no longer be living with my best friends and have them available to me 24/7. 

I wish someone would have told me that I might still be trying to figure out how to be an adult at 23. 

I wish someone would have told me that I would probably still be working through personal stuff at 23. 

I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to work at a job because I love it even if it doesn't make me a lot of money. 

I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to get overwhelmed, and that they'd be there to walk me through it. 

I wish someone would have told me just how hard, but incredibly exciting this whole experience would be. 

I caught a glimpse of some of these ideas right after I graduated. In one of my sessions my therapist said to me "Marissa, transitioning out of college was the hardest thing I've ever done and experienced other than childbirth, especially if you have no one to guide you and walk you through it and most people don't." At the time, I thought she was crazy. Boy was I so so wrong! 

College is like the honeymoon phase of life. You get this great idea of what you want to do with your life, and you are given a bunch of tools to make that a reality. And in reality? You will!.... Eventually. It's not an overnight process for most. And for some it is, and they land their dream job right off the bat and it all appears great. But in reality? Being an adult is still hard even while it is super super exciting. And I am finally realizing that it is okay to simply just stop and breathe. It's okay for me to take a season to take care of myself. It's okay for me to sit down and think through what steps I want to take next. It's okay for me to be working maintenance indefinitely. Because in reality? My life is just getting started. And I would rather take the time now while I am reasonably young to really take care of myself and set myself up for success in the future. I hope this is an encouragement for those soon to be graduating or who have just graduated. I hope it helps you realize that you dont have to have your life all together when you walk across that stage. I hope for those who are way past graduating this encourages you to encourage someone in my age range. Take them out for coffee. Buy them a tank of gas. Take them out to the movies. Encourage them. Love on them. Chances are they probably need it and will appreciate it! 

Month 7- To Every Thing There is a Season

Well here we are. Another month gone, and here I sit at Starbucks. Again. ;) Technically my 7 months isn't till tomorrow, but as this has been a beyond crazy and not typical month I think it's perfectly acceptable to post a day early.

As many of you know, but many do not-I'm in Michigan, not Missouri. I'm home. I've struggled with what exactly to write in this update, only knowing that it still needed to happen, even if it hurts my heart to write it. I know that this part of sharing is part of my grieving process, and I need to do it in order to start healing.

This blog is not the place for my dirty laundry- I am not here to bash myself or Shelterwood. Personally I love them both for their good qualities. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes that that talks about how there is a time for everything under the sun, dancing and mourning. When I first made the decision a few months ago to most likely end my time with Shelterwood, I was confused and angry at myself and at God. I was angry that God would lead me to a place only to have me leave a short 6.5 months later. And yet in my heart it was clear- God had fulfilled his purpose for me at Shelterwood and it was time to go. And I fought that for a good long time. Well over a month. I sat and argued with God, and my co-workers as I sank farther and farther into a pit of knowing that I was trying to make myself fit in a place where I no longer belonged, but I desperately wanted to belong more than anything in the world. And yet, as hard as I fought I just couldn't make it work. And in a lot of ways that crushed me, but in a lot of other ways it empowered me.

I made the decision to leave Shelterwood, and while it did not go how I planned at all, I know God still had a hand in it. Nothing that happened to me while I worked there was out of his control or his hand. Other than deciding to quit Child Life, this is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I miss my girls more than any words can say. I miss doing life changing work. I miss pouring into peoples lives every moment of every day. But in reality? There is a reason I left. I left because I had to take care of myself and working at Shelterwood made it difficult for me to do that. I left to take care of myself and my health, because what kind of example would I be to my girls if I was teaching them self care and boundaries, yet I had no self care or boundaries for myself? I have to keep telling myself that the best thing for them, and the best thing for myself and everyone else in my life was to leave, come home and heal.

That doesn't mean I am not heartbroken. I've only been home a little over a week, and it feels like its been an eternity. I wonder everyday if I made the right decisions? If I handled things the right way? If If I could have done something better, to make it easier? But in reality I know- that everything happened exactly how it was supposed to even if it was horrible. This past week has shown me the true value of who actually matters in my life and is a true support for me, and who was just along for the ride to see what they could gain by being my "friend".

I don't walk away from Shelterwood feeling like a failure, although some felt that I was because I did not finish my "year". I got home and felt that I had to immediately convince the world that I am not a failure! I had to give it one last fight, and show the world that my life is filled with purpose, and I will not let anyone label me like that! I was angry and bitter and hurt, and I would be lying if I said those seeds are not still present. In reality, I've had to pick myself up off the floor in defeat MANY times since I've been home and realized that I have nothing to prove to anyone. It's a journey. And journeys have up and downs. And while I am definitely in the "down" part of the journey right now, my heart can still say this: I walk away from Shelterwood my life being changed. I walk away knowing more about myself, and my past, and what needs to change for my future. I walk away with some incredible relationships that I know will be life long friends, and girls that have touched my heart in a way I cannot describe and I miss more than anything on earth. I may not be able to be a daily part of their life, but I can pray for them. I can love them from afar. I walk away knowing that I am not the same. I walk away with a real relationship with God, that is based on love and his forgiveness and mercy and grace instead of fear. And I can't ask for anything more than that.

I came to Shelterwood completely broken. I was depressed, and my life was a mess. I had NO idea what God wanted me to do with my life, and I was desperate for something to change. I got to the wood, and I met some of these incredible humans:

The August Bigs. Wow. You are an incredible group. You each challenged me and encouraged me in a way that is hard to put into words. While sometimes it was sitting praying with me, and talking to Jesus, other times it was one of you knowing I was going to have a panic attack and getting me ice cubes before the words could leave my mouth. You all challenged me to be exactly who God created me to be. You told me when I did things right, and called me out when I did things wrong and showed me a better way to do them. You encouraged me to stay at Shelterwood, and cried with me when I started talking about leaving. From deep conversations, movie nights, and climbing the rafters on nightwatch, Thank you. Thank you for showing me the love of Christ in such real, incredible inspiring ways and showing me what it means to be a real, true servant of Christ. 

My Roommates (Plus Kathy who wasn't present for the picture) Wow.
Elise, my Facebookless friend who will never see this ;) Thank you. Thank you for encouraging me from the moment I got to Shelterwood. Before we even met, you were such an encouragement to me. You never ever ever judged me, even when I was in an angry rage and upset you simply loved. You simply brought it all back to Jesus. I love your quiet spirit, and your gentle encouragement. I loved our deep nightwatch talks, and rotating naps, and laughs about your weird drinks. I miss movie nights, and junk food and trips to thrift stores, and simply talking about how incredible Jesus is.
Emily, while I only knew you a short time before I left, Thank you. Thank you for always being a sounding board for me, and encouraging me no matter what the cost. Thank you for checking in on me after I'd left and simply being a caring, loving person. The love of Jesus is SO evident in you, you are going to do incredible things for the kingdom!
 I miss you so much my sweet friends. Thank you for being a part of my journey through the wood. 

These ladies. These ladies held the girl's house down like CHAMPS!
Kari, Lisa, Clara, Renee- you all have such an incredible way of meeting people right where they are at.  You all have your things that you especially enjoy, and God seems to lead people to you who need exactly where you've been, or what you enjoy. Like Clara and her cats, or Kari and baseball or Lisa and deep conversations or Renee and biking. You find the thing in people that makes them "them"  and inspires them and you run with it. You radiate Jesus. I've had hard conversations about many things with all of you, and it always blew my mind how you found the strength to keep pressing on, and to keep loving our girls. Thank you for challenging all of us, and pushing us to grow, and to take care of ourselves at all costs. I will remember the many life lessons I caught while watching you all do life and ministry with each other, with us on staff, and with our girls, and use them for the rest of my life. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a Godly leader, and how to truly disciple those younger than me. 

These people BLEW. MY. MIND. And this isn't even all of them! The way they showed love and compassion, and grace was unfathomable. I did not understand it AT ALL. I was SO curious! I was like how on earth do they do this?! Where does this "love" come from?! How do they know how to do this? How can I learn?! And I very very soon realized- it had NOTHING to do with them. At all. It was all about Jesus. And that frustrated me.

I spent a long time questioning why these people had joy in their faith and I simply didn't. I asked a lot of questions, brought up a lot of insecurities, and tried to understand a lot. And God worked in that in an incredible way. He made himself real to me, and is continuing to do so. By coming to Shelterwood, I found God. The real God, the Father that I have run from and despised for so long. In reality? I'm still finding Him. I've got a LOT of things that the world has made me believe about faith that are far from true. But, I've realized there is NO way I am coming out of Shelterwood a failure, because I am finally finding Jesus, and what more could be a success story?!

This song is my Shelterwood theme song as I call it, because it is exactly the journey God has taken me on these past 6 months and is continuing to take me on now. Enjoy :)

So here is my random thoughts of the day for you: I am still broken. I am hurting a lot right now. If you see me, be gentle. My emotions are sporadic, and sometimes I cry about random things. But, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am right where God needs me for this next step of my journey, as painful as it may be I am home for a season of healing, and learning, and I am content. God is revealing himself more and more to me and I couldn't ask for anything else. I would appreciate your prayers, grace, and encouragements. Thank you all for your support and love on this journey. I am still planning on posting monthly updates, I think the 16th will forever stand out in my memory, and is a nice reminder for me to slow down and think about what God is teaching me.