2016: A Year of Self Discovery

I sit here in my living room once again on another New Year's Eve, and part of me cannot believe that yet another year has come to a close. I think back to where I was at at this time in 2015, and it honestly just breaks my heart. I was SO worn out, defeated, and broken. I still cannot remember 90% of October-December of 2015. I was so desperate for this year to be ANYTHING but 2015, that I couldn't even dream, ask or imagine any goals of what that could even look like. And now I sit here, and I see how God pulled me out of that dark pit, and has brought me into more than I could have ever asked or imagined.

This year I worked at a nannying job that I LOVED. I got to go back to Shelterwood and restore relationships and bring closure to a season that brought immense joy and immense pain. I got to go spend a week in Denver, Colorado with my best friend. I got to go to Chicago with my best friends for the first time. I moved to Ohio and got my first car and first apartment and started working at a job that I LOVE.

This year was also filled with pain.... I lost my uncle to a drug overdose. I've watched as many of my friendships have fallen apart due to life changes, and people changing. I've cried as I've worked through things in counseling. I've cried as I've realized that I am a person who deserves love, and deserves to be treated appropriately, and have lost relationships because of that. I've been angry at God as I simply haven't understood what He was doing and how He was working. It's been quite the year honestly, it's been quite the year.

And yet I sit here, and I read my blog post from last year and I realized that for the first time in my life I fulfilled my resolution for this year: I simply wanted to live a life that gave me the freedom to be me in whatever context that ended up being, and I feel like I achieved that in so many more ways than I could have ever imagined.

And now I look to 2017. There is a large part of me that wants to set a bunch of unfufillable goals, but there is a larger part of me that wants 2017 to look a lot like 2016 did, simply learning to be me, and who God created me to be, not who the world tells me to be. I could choose to sit here and be afraid of what this year could bring, I know I was afraid last year, I wont deny that in the slightest. But, in true Hunger Games fashion, here is my resolution for 2017:

That's my only goal of 2017- I want to live a life of Hope instead of fear. I want the Hope and peace of Christ to be so evident in my life, that the fear of Satan has no place, and no control. I want to continue running headfirst into the life God has called me to live. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What can be your goal this year to be more of who God created you to be? It may be getting healthy, or it may be taking time to pray each day. It may mean starting counseling, or getting back into going to church. But here this- Even if you fail miserably and don't accomplish ANYTHING over the next year please don't forget that your purpose doesn't come from a stupid new years resolution. It comes from Christ, and no matter what is thrown at you this year, as long as He is in the drivers seat you can throw fear out the window because God's got it! And, I can guarantee that when you sit down next year you will be blown away by all you've accomplished even if it feels like the past year was a failure. 

So to friends, family, acquaintances, or family members in Christ- Happy New Year. Thank you for walking through this journey of life with me, and I hope God fills your next year with blessings beyond what you can comprehend!  

It's Not Over.

I am sitting in our kitchen sipping tea and chatting with my co-worker Rachel in British accents as I try to refill my tank after a week that I'd rather forget as it was draining physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

After an incredibly filling weekend, I came back to work and got SLAMMED. Literally and metaphorically. On Monday, I came back and discovered that my heat wasn't working properly in my apartment. Tuesday, I backed into a co-workers car and caused some damage to my vehicle and hers. After I got my insurance stuff figured out on Wednesday morning I sat down and through tears said "I am basically homeless since my apartment is too cold to stay there, and now I am stranded without a car! Are you kidding me?! I thought life was going to get easier when I accepted this job and moved! Not ridiculously harder!" I seriously began questioning all that God has been doing, and what he has called me to do. As I talked to my counselor in tears Tuesday and Wednesday, she gently reminded me that the world was not coming to an end. Yes, these things are hard. Very hard when it's the first time you are experiencing them as a young adult for the first time out on your own. But she reminded me that I would survive this, and that it was okay to cry and be stressed out and angry that all of this happened.

As many of you know, I also have been struggling hardcore with the fact that we haven't had girls in our house in a really long time. Patience is not exactly my strongest quality, actually it's probably the thing I struggle with the most. I finally got to a point a few nights ago where I just laid my heart out to God and said "My way isn't working. I know you've called me here for a purpose. Please reveal to my heart what that purpose is, please. Even if only a part of it." And I left it at that.

On Wednesday we got a bunch of referral calls, one after another and it looks like we will in fact have girls sometime in the near future. My heart finally feels like it can calm down for the first time since the end of September, and that my friends is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So now as I sit here under the lights of our Christmas tree, (Yes, I moved. This blog post took me a while to write lol) I am remembering this key phrase: It's not over until God says it's over. My co-worker Rachel and I talked for a while this morning and she introduced me to this song by Kirk Franklin:

And as I sat and listened to the words this morning, God refreshed my perspective and reminded me that no matter what kind of giant is before me, it's not over until He says it's over. I sit here and I think "Is my life easy right now?" No, it's not. My apartment may be having heating problems, but I have a nice warm house with lovely co-workers to stay at. My car may be in the shop, but I have family and friends who are willing to pick me up and drive me places. I may have to pay a car repair bill for the next few months, but at least I have a job to pay for it.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What things have you decided are over and done with that God may be trying to tell you that He isn't finished with yet? Can I challenge you today? Take time and talk with Him about all of that. I guarantee you that there is a reason for the season you are in. It may not be a fun reason, but there is a reason. I sit here under the light of the tree and I am thankful for this season of no girls. It has made me learn how to set boundaries with people at this new job. It has given me a chance to get to know my co-workers. It has helped me learn some new things that trigger my anxiety, and given me a chance to get real with God. All of which are things that would have been very difficult to think through and handle on top of working with the girls.

So while this season has been really hard, I am thankful and I know that I have grown a whole heck of a lot because of it. And I hope that no matter what you are facing today, you remember this one thing- It's not over until He says it's over.

A Season of Unmet Expectations

I am sitting here at work today, and it is almost 70 degrees outside. I laughed as I looked at my Timehop this morning and it had snowed on this day one year ago. Everyone in the Michigan/Ohio has one expectation for this time of year: COLD. SNOW. EW. And yet? Here we are. It's warm, and it's gently, slowing fading from the warmth of summer into the cold of winter and it's taking a LOT longer than it normally does. Some people are horribly upset by this idea. However I hate winter, and so I am beyond thrilled that this is our current life situation. But in all reality? It is a season of unmet expectations. For the fall lovers, this has been a horribly disappointing fall because it is still 'warm'.  I sat and thought about this this morning, and realised that it is very similar to where I am at physically as well- this has been a season of unmet expectations.

I have talked many times before about how this new season has not gone how I have planned. We have not had girls for a while, and this past week has been CRAZY exhausting trying to make some decisions and work out some important details very very quickly. I sat there as I had a moment last night, beyond exhausted, and I thought "I feel like I did at Shelterwood." and I straight up panicked thinking "NO. This is NOT how this job is supposed to go! I am supposed to be fine! I need to up my self care! NO NO NO!" And after talking with a co-worker and talking through logistics I came to this conclusion- We had a long 48 hours. This is NOT consistently how I feel at work here- EVER. Yes, it's tiring, and stressful, but this is not how it is normally. Yes, this season looks different than I expected. My expectation for this season- an expectation that I would develop deep, meaningful relationships with my girls and find fulfillment in my job right away- has not been met. But, that does not mean it is a bad season and I need to run for the hills. It just means it is different. My expectations of how my first 3 months on this job were supposed to go haven't been met. And that is 100% okay.

I have walked through this new season feeling very alone. Granted, my co-workers are INCREDIBLE humans, and I love them all dearly. I feel like I have known them all my entire life, not just for a little over 2 months. But, I have longed for the "familiar". I have longed for friends from home to call when I am stressed, and to come visit me in my new apartment. I have had to come to terms with the fact that all my friendships are in a season of transition and change- and a few may be coming to a close. It's hard, it's uncomfortable, and it's yet another expectation that I had going into this season- an expectation that my support system from years past would stay consistent and get stronger- that has not come to pass. And that is 100% okay.

I've struggled, and questioned, and asked God consistently why He is asking me to walk this path right here, and right now when I feel so vulnerable and alone. I hate waking up each day and realizing that these expectations are not being met. It makes me want to scream "SCREW THIS!" at the world and just hide with my sweatpants and ice cream and binge watch netflix allllll day. But just as I am finding beauty and joy in the fact that the warmth has stuck around a little longer and the season is looking different than everyone expected- there is that beauty and warmth in how my season of change is looking different than I expected.

I have had a LOT of time to get to know my coworkers and really get to know their hearts and their passions. I have gotten to really focus on some counseling stuff that needed to be addressed. I have gotten to have some incredibly difficult conversations with my best friends that while painful have lead to a known sense of deeper trust and hope for the future that our relationship will be even stronger. I sit here, and I see so much beauty in the pain. I see hope in each falling leaf, and know that God is working in my heart in ways that I couldn't ask or imagine. My original expectations may not have been met, but the expectation that God is working? That expectation is being met consistently, 100% everyday.

So here is my random thought of the day for you- Are you sulking in unmet expectations? Or are you allowing yourself to sit in the expectation that God is always working, and looking for how He is working around you? That is my challenge for you this afternoon- stop looking for the world to meet your expectations. It's not going to. But, if you can take a step back, acknowledge that God is working, loves you, and wants the best for you and have THAT be your expectation? You are going to see blessings coming from raindrops that you never thought could even begin to be. So take a moment today, and take that time with God and let him meet His expectations for you beyond your wildest dreams.

Confessions of a Human Doing

If I am being honest, the past month has been extremely frustrating for me. As many of you know, I love working with kids. It's what fills me, drives me, gives me passion and fulfillment. And I took this new job excited for all the things I would be able to do for these girls who would be under my care. 

And then the last two weeks of September happened, and my 'plan' went to shreds. We haven't had girls since then. And we've sat around as staff talking and wondering "What the heck is going on?! Normally we have a waiting list of girls!" We have prayed, we have wondered, we have worked hard trying to do everything we can to pass time till we get girls again. 

And as we have gone through this process, I have realized something. I find a LOT of my identity in my work. I find a LOT of my worth in my work. And I have begun feeling like If I am not doing meaningful work, maybe I don't have as much meaning as I thought. Basically, my worth is only as good as the work that I perform. Now, before you all go berserk on me telling me my worth comes from Jesus, and that my worth is not performance based, let me answer you: I know. But as someone who has struggled with this idea her ENTIRE life, it is not a struggle that goes away without a severe, intense fight. And it loves to come back and visit at all the wrong times, just like your annoying relatives. 

And so I have sat these past few weeks at work with my inner world constantly churning 24/7, feeling completely unworthy of this job, my anxiety and depression spiking constantly, and just feeling like a hot mess more often than not. And as I sat in tears talking to my counselor a few days ago she gently told me that this time off is good, and giving me a chance to really adjust to life in Ohio. She told me that this time of 'nothing' may be good because it is really allowing me to address some strongholds and places of deep deep pain before I have to put most of my energy into caring for girls again. And as I thought through this, I remembered something my friend told me a few years ago: I am a human BEING not a human DOING. Sometimes you just gotta take a chill pill and just BE, and have that be okay. 

And so that is what this past month has looked like for me, learning how to simply be a real, authentic, human BEING. I am learning how to just be Marissa in every sense of the concept. How to be calm Marissa, anxious Marissa, happy Marissa, sad Marissa, excited Marissa, exhausted Marissa, energized Marissa, healthy Marissa, and simply just Marissa as a whole person. I've spent time laughing, crying, talking, coloring, and just learning who I am as a person. And as much as I have HATED it in some regards, I know this is what God needs from me right now. He needs me to learn who the real Marissa is, so that I can help the girls find their real, true selves that He has created them to be. 

I have people in my life who only seemingly want to talk when they want something from me. It's frustrating, draining, and hurtful at times. And yet, I know I do the exact same thing to others and it's something that I have tried for years to stop doing and something that I hope I have improved on. But if this move has showed me nothing else, it has shown me my worth as a human being, and that I don't have to simply stay in relationships with people, or in a job, or really anything because people 'tolerate' me. I have worth simply because of one thing and one thing alone: I am a Child of God. And that my friends, is all that matters. Not how often people text me. Not how often I feel like I am being used by people. Not how often I feel loved. No, simply the fact alone that I am a Child of God gives me all the worth I can and will ever need. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a human doing? Are you convinced that if you stopped doing things for the people you love they would stop loving/talking to you? Can I encourage you to let that go today? Or at least ask God to work in that, and to step in and to start healing your heart? I encourage you to take a deep breath, and take this weekend to just be. 

Be present in your day. Shut off your phone for a while. Get off FB. Call an old friend. Go for a walk. Go do some art. Listen to some music. Just take time for you, and let God show you the "you" he created you to be. Take a moment, breathe, and just be. 

A Mended Heart

I haven't posted in a while. I wanna say that wasn't intentional but in some ways I am not sure if it was intentional or not. I have had a lot going in in my personal life as well as at work. We haven't had any girls for a little bit at work which has left time for working on policies and procedures, as well as a lot of self care time for staff which in some ways is awesome, and in some ways it's really hard. 

I am no stranger to self care or self awareness. Ask anyone who has ever had a deep conversation with me- I LOVE learning more about myself and how my brain operates and why I act the way I do. I love counseling, and I find it fascinating to see how we can alter our behaviors. I love it. But sometimes? Sometimes I get hyper focused on things. I get in too deep. And I get overwhelmed.

It's been hard for me to balance that over the past few weeks. I have learned a LOT, don't get me wrong. It's so so so clear to me that God brought me here for this season for a clear reason, and it has been incredible. But it has been HARD. I've been getting really wrapped up in my own brokenness, if I am being honest. And constantly asking God "How can you use me when ______ (panic attacks, anxiety, depression, whatever) keeps happening?! You can't POSSIBLY want or be able to use me when I am still this broken!" 

And then I hear this song. My co-workers have often talked about how this song is basically the theme song of our ministry. And I sit here and I let the words wash over my heart over and over again as I think "It was never supposed to be this way. This is not how I planned my life at all." And yet God keeps whispering to me "I see healing beyond belief. I am not finished yet. When you see wounded I see Mended." 

There's nothing I can to do lose what Grace has won. Think about that.... There is NOTHING that has happened to me or will happen to me that can defeat God's grace and love for me. I watch as my co-workers pour grace over and over again as we all navigate our own stories. We all have our pain, each and every one of us. How it comes out just looks different based on our stories. 

And so I sit here sipping my coffee and all I can think is this "I am so thankful God is mending my heart." It hurts, and it is not an easy process. But as I talk to my therapist and others who I know have my back and believe in me every step of the way, I am excited. I am excited to see how God is going to work through all of this. I look back on myself a year ago, and I have changed SO MUCH. So much. I would not be able to handle the life I have right now last year. It would have been too much. And so I sit here and I think "Yes. I feel challenged right now, and sometimes it hurts and it is scary. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is bringing me the healing that I have longed for, and I couldn't ask for anything more. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you today: What part of your life do you need to start seeing from God's perspective? I challenge you to bring your pain before God and ask him to show you the purpose in your pain. Ask Him why it has to be this way. Ask Him to show you how He is mending your heart. Challenge yourself to change your perspective. I am NOT saying this means to shove emotion and pretend you're happy. NO. I am saying the opposite. I am saying ask God to give you the strength to TRULY face that pain. To feel it, grieve it, and let it out. I am asking you to ask God to help you forgive people who have hurt and continue to hurt you. I am asking you to ask God to show you His grace in every moment of your life today. I hate tears. I hate crying. I hate anger- I hate yelling. I hate it all. And yet I know that God is gently helping me learn to feel and express these things in a healthy way so I can truly be the person He created me to be. And I think that is such an incredible gift- the fact that we actually have the opportunity to be healed and whole through Christ. So I challenge you today- take that step. Allow God to show you how He is mending your wounds step by step. You won't regret it. 

Are You Ready to Be Made Well?

Healing. It's a concept that I talk about in almost every single post that I write on this blog, and yet I have had a hard time sitting down to write this post. I was recently invited to be a part of the launch team for Jenny Simmons new book "Made Well". As many of you know, I read her first book "The Road to Becoming" a few months ago and it utterly changed my life. 

The same has been true with Made Well. This book came at a time when I have never been more fully aware that God is taking me on a new journey of healing and restoration, and it's been terrifying quite honestly. Jenny takes the concept of healing in Made Well and breaks it down on a level that is soothing and comforting and leads you right back to Jesus in a way that I didn't really even think was possible. 

I have said many times before that I have this idea in my head of what my own healing is supposed to look like. I have told my counselor a million times "I know I will actually be healed when _______ happens." And in reality? Most of those things haven't happened and it's kept me going in circles for a while now. And then I read this book, and it made me redefine what my own healing could look like. I love when Jenny says " Healing happens when we entrust ourselves to God's care and become aware of the miraculous ways He is at work in our midst, binding the wounds. While we yell "FIX IT!"  and shake our fists at the lack of response, God is often quietly at work behind the scenes answering in ways we would never expect or pray for. The ways that come small, steady, and whispery in the dark of the night in the depths of pain. The ways that aren't always bashy and grand."

I don't know about you, but healing has always appeared bashy and grand in my own mind. It had to be spectacular, it had to be incredible! It had to be EVERYTHING that I demanded, or else God MUST not be who he says he is. Well guess what? That's just not true. 

"Miracles happen, cures are discovered, and seemingly impossible situations and relationships are redeemed and restored here and now. But even if they are not, my ability for wholeness is not diminished or stolen. Far beyond the curing of our bodies or the fixing of our temporal situations, God is in the business of making us well in completely other ways."

I read this quote, and in many ways it gives my heart sweet relief. It gives me sweet relief to know that God is still God regardless if I still wake up in the morning with anxiety and depression. God is still God even when I show signs of having PTSD. God is still God when I have flashbacks and panic attacks. God is still God when I am angry and hurting. God is still God, and he IS healing my heart in ways I cannot even conceive or imagine. God may not heal my mental health issues on this side of heaven, but He can and has made me well in completely other ways.

At some point in our lives we all need healing. I know we haven't all been abused, or seen the horrors of war, or watched a loved one die. But we have all without fail experienced deep pain. We all have experienced hurt, loss and grief in some nature. And that means we all need to go on a healing journey of some nature. Yes, some may be longer than others. Some may be shorter. But at some point we all need healing in some regard. And that's what I want to challenge you to today.

I used to think my wholeness and wellness depended on the people I had around me in my life- family, friends, co-workers, my therapist etc. And in all reality, that does play a roll. And I blamed and continue to blame all of them when my healing isn't going in the direction that I have planned for it too. But the truth? The truth is that my wholeness and wellness comes from and is only dependant on Christ alone, and I trust that He has, and will continue to make me well. I am very clear that I love mental health. I love counseling, I love my therapist in a professional way, and I LOVE the healing that God has brought to my life through those resources and is continuing to take me on. I want to challenge you today to take your own step towards your own healing journey- What roadblocks to healing do you have up? What is your "I know I will actually be healed when _______ happens." statement? I want to challenge you today to really think through "Is that realistic? and can I trust Jesus to still heal my heart even if that doesn't happen?" Being healthy and whole are NOT the same thing. I have tried MANY 'health' things to fix my un-wholeness, trust me. It doesn't work. The definition of healthy is "enjoying or possessing good health and vigor of body and spirit." Healing literally means "to make whole". One is a possession, the other is a process. I have searched for the possession my entire life, and it's finally time to commit to the process, 100%.


So here is my random thought of the day for you- Do you want to be Made Well? Are you ready to commit to this journey of letting God heal you in ways you could never ask or imagine? It will be messy, and it will hurt and be filled with scars and scabs. But, the healing and freedom that will come from it will be far more worth it than you can even comprehend. I challenge you today to take whatever steps you need to to start this journey- set up an appointment with a therapist. Call a friend, call me, join a church group. Just do something. And I can promise you that God is going to honor your vulnerability and willingness to to dive into this journey with him.

P.S.- If you are wanting to buy Jenny's book (which I highly highly recommend!!!!) Go check it out on amazon at the link below!!

https://www.amazon.com/Made-Well-Finding-Wholeness-Everyday/dp/0801018900/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8

Our God Reigns

I have had this song on repeat alllll morning. I've probably heard it a good 20 times today, no exaggeration. I encourage you to listen to this song, and pray the lyrics over yourself, home, work, family and friends. Honestly? I had it blasting earlier and was praying for Ann Arbor and all the students as I drove through town earlier. 

Everyone always talks about how when you are clearly doing the work of God, you'll be under extra attack from the devil. I always took that with a grain of salt. Coming from a background where I was always convinced that something bad was going to happen and it was always God's fault, I figured "What more could Satan do to me that God hasn't punished me with already?!" (Yes. I know- WAY messed up thinking... Praise God I don't feel this way anymore after a lot of mentoring from strong adult Christian leaders!!) 

But yet here I am. Starting my second year of working ministry full time. A place I NEVER expected to find myself even as I graduated from college. I never saw myself working ministry because I wasn't sure what I actually thought and believed about God for a longggg time. And I thought "If I have questions, how the heck am I going to answer other peoples questions when they have them?!" Thankfully again I have learned that sometimes the best ministry comes out of being authentic and simply just admitting that you don't know it all and that is totally okay! Working in ministry has actually solidified and strengthened my faith in a way that I never really thought could be possible. 

After the past two weeks being INSANE at work. I had moments where I questioned what the heck I was doing, but thankfully I never really considered running and quitting. But, I have felt like the house where I work has been under spiritual attack recently. Each of my co-workers and myself have faced incredible challenges in our personal life on top of work being crazy. We work with some of the most vulnerable, hurting, abused kids on the face of this planet. The work we do is really important. Not because we are good at what we do, but because our work is the hands and feet of Jesus giving his love to these precious girls. And I have been angry, quite honestly! I have yelled on my short drive home from work praying for my girls and praying that Satan would get the heck out of our house, because he does NOT reign there. 

And so here I sit at my weekly Starbuck date with myself, and I feel angry still. I just want to scream at Satan to leave my girls alone! Leave my co-workers alone! Go pick on someone else! And yet, then I listen to the words of this song: 

"Our God reigns here, Our God reigns here. We claim this ground in Jesus’ name ‘Cause our God reigns. Our God reigns here, Our God reigns here. The battle’s won-Have no fear ’Cause God reigns here-He reigns here!"

Did you read that? 'the battle's won, have no fear cuz God reigns here. The battle is won. I have a righteous anger at Satan, don't get me wrong, and I could waste ALL the time in the world being mad at him for the destruction he is causing. But in reality? That is JUST what he wants me to do. He has thrown obstacle after obstacle in our paths trying to make it impossible to help these girls, and prove to them that they are unloveable.  And if I listen to that, it makes my human nature shiver with fear. 

But what does my TRUE identity say? The identity who is secure in Christ as a daughter of the King, and knows that I am living on a battleship for the army of Christ, not a cruise ship? My true self says "Satan, you have no place here. I command you to leave here in Jesus name. Come back from whence you came." And with that? I straighten my helmet of salvation, buckle my helmet of truth, and take up my sword of the spirit. And that is that. I do NOT have to spend my time fighting pointless battles with Satan- I know who wins in the end. I will defend and protect these girls till my dying breath, but in reality? Thats it for me. I can't really save them. I cant really heal them. I can guide them, love them and protect them. But in reality we need God to do the real protection and fight the ultimate battle against satan for us. 

And so, that's my new mission for this journey. I can put on my armor of God each morning, and pray for protection and strength for my girls, and know that in the end God will defeat Satan and all will be well in the new heaven and the new earth. I can continue leading my girls on this path of healing, and recognizing that they are made well regardless if all of their physical and mental scars are miraculously healed or not. (more on that later this week!) 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... Where are you forgetting that God does in fact reign and not Satan? Where are you spending wayyyy too much energy trying to defeat Satan on your own when in reality you need to let God step in and do his thing? We often convince ourselves that it feels more safe to feel secure and protect ourselves by ourselves because we are in control, but I promise you the security that comes with giving these battles over to Christ will give you peace that surpases all understanding. So I challenge you today- what do you need to give over to Christ? What battles do you need to stop fighting physically and mentally and start fighting with prayer? I encourage you to take some time tonight and sit down with God and reassess your battle plan. You won't regret it!