Community is a Choice

I have come to realize something over the past few weeks: community is a choice. It doesn't just "happen". Good, healthy relationships take effort and work and that is just a reality we have to accept if we want to have solid, real, relationships in our lives. I've felt like I've been in a bit of a tailspin since I got back from KC. I've thought through the idea of moving back to Missouri more times than I can count in the past two weeks, and cried many tears. I've wanted to go back for one reason: I miss my community.

Now here is reality: my "community" at Shelterwood now lives literally all over the globe. Going back to Independence is not going to give me my community back. A few of them, yes. But not all of them. And yet, I long for the deep, real, God centered relationships that I had with my coworkers and girls at the wood.

I talked with one of my newer coworkers Wednesday, and it was like God gently knocked me to my senses: I CAN have community here; IF I choose to allow it to happen. I have been fighting it hardcore since I moved here a year ago, and I feel as if God is gently revealing what this next season will look like for me: learning what true vulnerability looks like with safe people.

I've been learning in counseling the past few months what it looks like to be "real" with people but not sharing every detail about things. I've been learning what work relationships should look like vs what closer friendships should look like. And let me tell you- it's hard. For most of my life, I've been an all or nothing kinda person when it comes to relationships. I either tell you nothing, or I tell you everything. I like you, or I don't. I can work with you, or I can't. There was never really any inbetweens. And yet the more I go through life, the more I realize there needs to be more gray in my relationships instead of straight black and white.

One of my coworkers (and soon to be roommate!! :) ) texted me this morning with some much needed encouragement as a I face a situation I am dreading and has caused me much anxiety later today. I had good conversations with two of my new coworkers last night, and another good convo as I mentioned earlier. I truly believe that God is challenging my view of what community means, and giving me the opportunity to engage in a community again like I did in Missouri. I am excited to see what this next year at TDP will bring, and see how God increases my community here!!

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you engaging in community? Do you have people in your life who can challenge, encourage, and spur you on? I'd like to encourage you today to open up to the idea of engaging in some sort of community. Whether that means joining a small group at church, taking an art or fitness class, joining a bible study, or a book club- simply find a group that accepts you for who you are, and challenges you to be the person God created you to be.

Life is Short. I Want to Live it Well.

I haven't written a blog post in FOREVER. Seriously, my life has been straight chaos since the middle of December, and things have just started slowing down again. I was driving to a meeting for work today, and this song by Switchfoot came on my local Christian radio station. I listened to the words, and I realized that has been my goal for 2017: Life is short. I want to live it well. 

As many of you know, we had to say goodbye to one of our girls a few weeks ago. It's been a bit of an emotional whirlwind as we navigated figuring out what was best for her, and for us. And yet, after being in storm of chaos for 5 months, the clouds are finally breaking and I am getting some clarity on this season of chaos that I have not been able to understand. I thought through these things this morning and I thought of one thing: We are only promised each day that we wake up, we are never promised tomorrow. I've thought about my relationship with this girl. I thought about how she argued with me, and told me she hated me more often than she told me she loved me. And yet as she left, she wrote me a letter saying that I was a huge part of her 2017, she knows that I love her, she loves me too, and she will never forget me. I could have spent my days being angry at her, and hating her back. I could have quit (SO MANY TIMES) because of the crazy shenanigans she would pull. And yet, I just couldn't. I couldn't (and still can't seem to) shake the idea that God has brought me here for a reason, and the time isn't over yet. And without knowing it, I was praying that God would help me to live my life, and love her well. 

I've questioned many times why God brought me to Ohio almost a year ago. It's been a difficult adjustment. I am just now starting to no longer feel "new" at work. I am just starting to feel like I can possibly take down my walls with my coworkers. I am just starting to feel like my apartment is "home". This weekend is the first weekend that I have thought: Okay. I think I can do this. I think I can survive here. I might even be able to thrive here if I let myself. And that's frustrating to me. I hate new, I hate change, I hate adjusting. I hate it because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable, and I don't want people to mistake my vulnerability for weakness. If I had my way, I would have been this "adjusted" two weeks after moving. Not 8 months after moving. 

But yet, I thought through all these things today and I feel like God is making one thing clear: He has brought me to Ohio to make me well. He has brought me to Ohio to help me fully become the person he has called me to be. I have spent much of this past year fighting God if I am being honest. I have been dragged along kicking and screaming, and refusing to cooperate with anything He has asked me to do. And it took a good friend calling me out on my behavior last Wednesday for me to really realize that I need to take a deep breath and reassess for a minute and think this through: Am I really living my life well? 

This life is short. I have lost way too many people in this life both through death, and through circumstances. Even throughout this year I have watched as relationships that were crucial to my life seemingly fell apart, and I was miserable and crushed. And yet, the ones that have needed to have come back together just as they needed to be at the same time. I've spent so much of my life whining and complaining because things aren't going how I wanted or planned for them to go. And yet I sit here and I now know: I have a choice to make. I can keep sitting whining and complaining and not going anywhere. Or, I can choose to accept the fact that life is short, but God has very, very good plans for me. And if I will just choose to embrace them, He can help me live it very very well. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you living your life well? Or are you letting the small things of this world chain you up and hold you back? I challenge you to take some time today and simply ask God to show you a glimpse of the plan he has for you. And ask Him how you can live your life well today: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. As I start this next chapter of 2017, I am praying a new prayer: That God would give me the wisdom, and motivation to live each day well and to accomplish the purposes he has set before me. One step at a time. 

It's Now or Never

I've compared myself to Katniss Everdeen many times as I've walked the minefield of anxiety/depression/ptsd. But within the past few months, I have found another character that I strongly relate to on an unreal level: Lorelai Gilmore. 

Granted, long before watching Gilmore Girls I was a coffee drinking, junk food loving, sarcastic, witty, book and movie loving human. But, watching Gilmore Girls has only intensified these loves in my life. I watched this woman, who is living a life far from anything that she dreamed of because of the cards life chose to hand her. I related to her as a I watched her fight with her parents, and then cry because she simply didn't know how to communicate with them in a way that worked for both of them. I watched as she made really dumb decisions, but also made really good decisions and just kept fighting to make her life the best that it could be despite her circumstances. 

I watched as some of my not so good characteristics came out in her character- passive aggressiveness, a seemingly inability to deal with intense negative emotions, and a struggle to deal with change all while self medicating with junk food and coffee. Many people say Lorelai is selfish, and self-centered. I think Lorelai has been hurt a lot, and burned a lot by the people in her life, and her poor behavior in certain circumstances was fueled by that behavior. I think her parents got burned a lot as well, and acted out of their pain as well. And yet, both parties tried hard to fight through their pain and be the best "them" that they could be. And it was far from perfect. Lorelai said and did things that she later regretted and her parents did the same. But they kept on trying, and that is what is important. 

*spoilers ahead for those who haven't watched the new Gilmore Girls season yet* I just finished the 3rd episode- Summer. And Lorelai has hit a crossroads with her mom, Luke, and Rory. She's spent her entire life being "perfectly quirky Lorelai Gilmore who isn't bothered by anything hurtful that anyone says or does"and she hasn't let anyone into her deep pain. She hasn't let anyone, even herself acknowledge that her past was HARD, and its okay to have a deep emotional reaction to that. That it's okay to break down. There's a song that plays in the show that basically says it's now or never- you gotta let your self break or you probably never will. And Lorelai is coming to terms with the fact that she has got to face her deep pain and fears and let herself finally break. 

I had a similar encounter in counseling today, hours before I watched the episode of Gilmore Girls I just talked about. I'd be lying to you if I said that my past was "easy". Both sides of my family have experienced severe drug and alcohol addictions, divorce, and simply family dysfunction on many levels, this isn't really a secret, if you know me well we've talked about it. While a lot of this dysfunction didn't happen in my immediate family, it was all very close- aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. All of it had an effect on me, my siblings, and my parents. While not perfect, (honestly who is?!) I give my parents a crap ton of credit. They both came from intense home life situations, and they both worked their butts off to give their kids a better homelife than they had. Does this mean our family was totally fine, and none of the dysfunction affected us? No. Not at all. I wish that was reality, but that is the reality with sin in this world. There were times when my parents and I could not see eye to eye no matter how hard we tried, and I was angry about things that had happened that I wish could have changed. As I have gotten older, I have realized that even had everything "bad" not happened when I was younger, I still would have gotten hurt. This world is still inherently evil. I still would have come out with scars even if my family was "perfect". 

And so I sat in counseling today, and my counselor and I talked about how my personality is similar to Lorelai. We talked about the pros/cons with that, and gave examples of how Lorelai handled situations well, and in some ways she really screwed things up and how she found solutions to those screw ups. And I got out of counseling and watched that episode and thought "This is where I am at right now... It's how I've been since I got to Ohio six months ago. It's like my mind is telling me 'It's now or never.' You've got to let the pain you experienced as a kid go, in order to move forward and really enjoy your life." 

This blog is a bit more personal than I normally go.... I think that's okay though. I've lived my entire life terrified of letting people in, and letting them see how the scenes of my past affected me. I've been so scared that if I let this brokenness show, everyone would be repulsed and leave me. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this just might not be true. So here is my random thought of the day for you: Do you see a bit of Lorelai Gilmore in yourself? Are you afraid to let your brokenness show, and let God's healing waters rush through the cracks and make you healed and whole? Yes, your cracks will still show. But I am starting to be convinced that that really, truly isn't such a bad thing afterall. I encourage you to take a step back today, and really truly consider the idea of facing your pain. Really ask yourself if you've let go of the wrongs done against you, and wrongs you have committed yourself. And if you haven't, will you consider starting on that journey today? I'd love to walk through that journey with you if need someone to start it with. 

2016: A Year of Self Discovery

I sit here in my living room once again on another New Year's Eve, and part of me cannot believe that yet another year has come to a close. I think back to where I was at at this time in 2015, and it honestly just breaks my heart. I was SO worn out, defeated, and broken. I still cannot remember 90% of October-December of 2015. I was so desperate for this year to be ANYTHING but 2015, that I couldn't even dream, ask or imagine any goals of what that could even look like. And now I sit here, and I see how God pulled me out of that dark pit, and has brought me into more than I could have ever asked or imagined.

This year I worked at a nannying job that I LOVED. I got to go back to Shelterwood and restore relationships and bring closure to a season that brought immense joy and immense pain. I got to go spend a week in Denver, Colorado with my best friend. I got to go to Chicago with my best friends for the first time. I moved to Ohio and got my first car and first apartment and started working at a job that I LOVE.

This year was also filled with pain.... I lost my uncle to a drug overdose. I've watched as many of my friendships have fallen apart due to life changes, and people changing. I've cried as I've worked through things in counseling. I've cried as I've realized that I am a person who deserves love, and deserves to be treated appropriately, and have lost relationships because of that. I've been angry at God as I simply haven't understood what He was doing and how He was working. It's been quite the year honestly, it's been quite the year.

And yet I sit here, and I read my blog post from last year and I realized that for the first time in my life I fulfilled my resolution for this year: I simply wanted to live a life that gave me the freedom to be me in whatever context that ended up being, and I feel like I achieved that in so many more ways than I could have ever imagined.

And now I look to 2017. There is a large part of me that wants to set a bunch of unfufillable goals, but there is a larger part of me that wants 2017 to look a lot like 2016 did, simply learning to be me, and who God created me to be, not who the world tells me to be. I could choose to sit here and be afraid of what this year could bring, I know I was afraid last year, I wont deny that in the slightest. But, in true Hunger Games fashion, here is my resolution for 2017:

That's my only goal of 2017- I want to live a life of Hope instead of fear. I want the Hope and peace of Christ to be so evident in my life, that the fear of Satan has no place, and no control. I want to continue running headfirst into the life God has called me to live. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What can be your goal this year to be more of who God created you to be? It may be getting healthy, or it may be taking time to pray each day. It may mean starting counseling, or getting back into going to church. But here this- Even if you fail miserably and don't accomplish ANYTHING over the next year please don't forget that your purpose doesn't come from a stupid new years resolution. It comes from Christ, and no matter what is thrown at you this year, as long as He is in the drivers seat you can throw fear out the window because God's got it! And, I can guarantee that when you sit down next year you will be blown away by all you've accomplished even if it feels like the past year was a failure. 

So to friends, family, acquaintances, or family members in Christ- Happy New Year. Thank you for walking through this journey of life with me, and I hope God fills your next year with blessings beyond what you can comprehend!  

It's Not Over.

I am sitting in our kitchen sipping tea and chatting with my co-worker Rachel in British accents as I try to refill my tank after a week that I'd rather forget as it was draining physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

After an incredibly filling weekend, I came back to work and got SLAMMED. Literally and metaphorically. On Monday, I came back and discovered that my heat wasn't working properly in my apartment. Tuesday, I backed into a co-workers car and caused some damage to my vehicle and hers. After I got my insurance stuff figured out on Wednesday morning I sat down and through tears said "I am basically homeless since my apartment is too cold to stay there, and now I am stranded without a car! Are you kidding me?! I thought life was going to get easier when I accepted this job and moved! Not ridiculously harder!" I seriously began questioning all that God has been doing, and what he has called me to do. As I talked to my counselor in tears Tuesday and Wednesday, she gently reminded me that the world was not coming to an end. Yes, these things are hard. Very hard when it's the first time you are experiencing them as a young adult for the first time out on your own. But she reminded me that I would survive this, and that it was okay to cry and be stressed out and angry that all of this happened.

As many of you know, I also have been struggling hardcore with the fact that we haven't had girls in our house in a really long time. Patience is not exactly my strongest quality, actually it's probably the thing I struggle with the most. I finally got to a point a few nights ago where I just laid my heart out to God and said "My way isn't working. I know you've called me here for a purpose. Please reveal to my heart what that purpose is, please. Even if only a part of it." And I left it at that.

On Wednesday we got a bunch of referral calls, one after another and it looks like we will in fact have girls sometime in the near future. My heart finally feels like it can calm down for the first time since the end of September, and that my friends is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So now as I sit here under the lights of our Christmas tree, (Yes, I moved. This blog post took me a while to write lol) I am remembering this key phrase: It's not over until God says it's over. My co-worker Rachel and I talked for a while this morning and she introduced me to this song by Kirk Franklin:

And as I sat and listened to the words this morning, God refreshed my perspective and reminded me that no matter what kind of giant is before me, it's not over until He says it's over. I sit here and I think "Is my life easy right now?" No, it's not. My apartment may be having heating problems, but I have a nice warm house with lovely co-workers to stay at. My car may be in the shop, but I have family and friends who are willing to pick me up and drive me places. I may have to pay a car repair bill for the next few months, but at least I have a job to pay for it.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What things have you decided are over and done with that God may be trying to tell you that He isn't finished with yet? Can I challenge you today? Take time and talk with Him about all of that. I guarantee you that there is a reason for the season you are in. It may not be a fun reason, but there is a reason. I sit here under the light of the tree and I am thankful for this season of no girls. It has made me learn how to set boundaries with people at this new job. It has given me a chance to get to know my co-workers. It has helped me learn some new things that trigger my anxiety, and given me a chance to get real with God. All of which are things that would have been very difficult to think through and handle on top of working with the girls.

So while this season has been really hard, I am thankful and I know that I have grown a whole heck of a lot because of it. And I hope that no matter what you are facing today, you remember this one thing- It's not over until He says it's over.

A Season of Unmet Expectations

I am sitting here at work today, and it is almost 70 degrees outside. I laughed as I looked at my Timehop this morning and it had snowed on this day one year ago. Everyone in the Michigan/Ohio has one expectation for this time of year: COLD. SNOW. EW. And yet? Here we are. It's warm, and it's gently, slowing fading from the warmth of summer into the cold of winter and it's taking a LOT longer than it normally does. Some people are horribly upset by this idea. However I hate winter, and so I am beyond thrilled that this is our current life situation. But in all reality? It is a season of unmet expectations. For the fall lovers, this has been a horribly disappointing fall because it is still 'warm'.  I sat and thought about this this morning, and realised that it is very similar to where I am at physically as well- this has been a season of unmet expectations.

I have talked many times before about how this new season has not gone how I have planned. We have not had girls for a while, and this past week has been CRAZY exhausting trying to make some decisions and work out some important details very very quickly. I sat there as I had a moment last night, beyond exhausted, and I thought "I feel like I did at Shelterwood." and I straight up panicked thinking "NO. This is NOT how this job is supposed to go! I am supposed to be fine! I need to up my self care! NO NO NO!" And after talking with a co-worker and talking through logistics I came to this conclusion- We had a long 48 hours. This is NOT consistently how I feel at work here- EVER. Yes, it's tiring, and stressful, but this is not how it is normally. Yes, this season looks different than I expected. My expectation for this season- an expectation that I would develop deep, meaningful relationships with my girls and find fulfillment in my job right away- has not been met. But, that does not mean it is a bad season and I need to run for the hills. It just means it is different. My expectations of how my first 3 months on this job were supposed to go haven't been met. And that is 100% okay.

I have walked through this new season feeling very alone. Granted, my co-workers are INCREDIBLE humans, and I love them all dearly. I feel like I have known them all my entire life, not just for a little over 2 months. But, I have longed for the "familiar". I have longed for friends from home to call when I am stressed, and to come visit me in my new apartment. I have had to come to terms with the fact that all my friendships are in a season of transition and change- and a few may be coming to a close. It's hard, it's uncomfortable, and it's yet another expectation that I had going into this season- an expectation that my support system from years past would stay consistent and get stronger- that has not come to pass. And that is 100% okay.

I've struggled, and questioned, and asked God consistently why He is asking me to walk this path right here, and right now when I feel so vulnerable and alone. I hate waking up each day and realizing that these expectations are not being met. It makes me want to scream "SCREW THIS!" at the world and just hide with my sweatpants and ice cream and binge watch netflix allllll day. But just as I am finding beauty and joy in the fact that the warmth has stuck around a little longer and the season is looking different than everyone expected- there is that beauty and warmth in how my season of change is looking different than I expected.

I have had a LOT of time to get to know my coworkers and really get to know their hearts and their passions. I have gotten to really focus on some counseling stuff that needed to be addressed. I have gotten to have some incredibly difficult conversations with my best friends that while painful have lead to a known sense of deeper trust and hope for the future that our relationship will be even stronger. I sit here, and I see so much beauty in the pain. I see hope in each falling leaf, and know that God is working in my heart in ways that I couldn't ask or imagine. My original expectations may not have been met, but the expectation that God is working? That expectation is being met consistently, 100% everyday.

So here is my random thought of the day for you- Are you sulking in unmet expectations? Or are you allowing yourself to sit in the expectation that God is always working, and looking for how He is working around you? That is my challenge for you this afternoon- stop looking for the world to meet your expectations. It's not going to. But, if you can take a step back, acknowledge that God is working, loves you, and wants the best for you and have THAT be your expectation? You are going to see blessings coming from raindrops that you never thought could even begin to be. So take a moment today, and take that time with God and let him meet His expectations for you beyond your wildest dreams.

Confessions of a Human Doing

If I am being honest, the past month has been extremely frustrating for me. As many of you know, I love working with kids. It's what fills me, drives me, gives me passion and fulfillment. And I took this new job excited for all the things I would be able to do for these girls who would be under my care. 

And then the last two weeks of September happened, and my 'plan' went to shreds. We haven't had girls since then. And we've sat around as staff talking and wondering "What the heck is going on?! Normally we have a waiting list of girls!" We have prayed, we have wondered, we have worked hard trying to do everything we can to pass time till we get girls again. 

And as we have gone through this process, I have realized something. I find a LOT of my identity in my work. I find a LOT of my worth in my work. And I have begun feeling like If I am not doing meaningful work, maybe I don't have as much meaning as I thought. Basically, my worth is only as good as the work that I perform. Now, before you all go berserk on me telling me my worth comes from Jesus, and that my worth is not performance based, let me answer you: I know. But as someone who has struggled with this idea her ENTIRE life, it is not a struggle that goes away without a severe, intense fight. And it loves to come back and visit at all the wrong times, just like your annoying relatives. 

And so I have sat these past few weeks at work with my inner world constantly churning 24/7, feeling completely unworthy of this job, my anxiety and depression spiking constantly, and just feeling like a hot mess more often than not. And as I sat in tears talking to my counselor a few days ago she gently told me that this time off is good, and giving me a chance to really adjust to life in Ohio. She told me that this time of 'nothing' may be good because it is really allowing me to address some strongholds and places of deep deep pain before I have to put most of my energy into caring for girls again. And as I thought through this, I remembered something my friend told me a few years ago: I am a human BEING not a human DOING. Sometimes you just gotta take a chill pill and just BE, and have that be okay. 

And so that is what this past month has looked like for me, learning how to simply be a real, authentic, human BEING. I am learning how to just be Marissa in every sense of the concept. How to be calm Marissa, anxious Marissa, happy Marissa, sad Marissa, excited Marissa, exhausted Marissa, energized Marissa, healthy Marissa, and simply just Marissa as a whole person. I've spent time laughing, crying, talking, coloring, and just learning who I am as a person. And as much as I have HATED it in some regards, I know this is what God needs from me right now. He needs me to learn who the real Marissa is, so that I can help the girls find their real, true selves that He has created them to be. 

I have people in my life who only seemingly want to talk when they want something from me. It's frustrating, draining, and hurtful at times. And yet, I know I do the exact same thing to others and it's something that I have tried for years to stop doing and something that I hope I have improved on. But if this move has showed me nothing else, it has shown me my worth as a human being, and that I don't have to simply stay in relationships with people, or in a job, or really anything because people 'tolerate' me. I have worth simply because of one thing and one thing alone: I am a Child of God. And that my friends, is all that matters. Not how often people text me. Not how often I feel like I am being used by people. Not how often I feel loved. No, simply the fact alone that I am a Child of God gives me all the worth I can and will ever need. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a human doing? Are you convinced that if you stopped doing things for the people you love they would stop loving/talking to you? Can I encourage you to let that go today? Or at least ask God to work in that, and to step in and to start healing your heart? I encourage you to take a deep breath, and take this weekend to just be. 

Be present in your day. Shut off your phone for a while. Get off FB. Call an old friend. Go for a walk. Go do some art. Listen to some music. Just take time for you, and let God show you the "you" he created you to be. Take a moment, breathe, and just be.