This Is Me

"I am not a stranger to the dark

"Hide away", they say

"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

"Run away", they say

"No one'll love you as you are"

I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, 

This is me!

Look out 'cause here I come! And I'm marching on to the beat I drum! I'm not scared to be seen- I make no apologies, this is me!"

I cried harder in counseling today than I have in a long time. I have been so frustrated by this last season..... lots of pain, transition, change, chaos, and just plain insanity. I've watched as 90% of my friends have either completely walked out of my life, or just simply can't find the time to talk anymore or meet up when they happen to be home. I cried as I talked about spending my entire life apologizing for who I am, for things that I like/don't like. I cried as I talked about trying so hard to get everyone in my lifes approval over and over again simply to be shut down over and over again. I have found myself in a season of limited community, few true friends, a job I can mostly tolerate but not love, and just pain and frustration. I got out of counseling and saw a facebook post I honestly wish I would have never seen, and was just physically and emotionally spent for the day.

I called one of my best friends, and asked her if she wanted to hit up Chick Fil A and the movies tonight. She suggested we go see "The Greatest Showman". I was kinda neutral on my desire to see it, and decided why not. Yall. It's rare that I cry in movies.... like really rare. And this one almost had me in tears. I resonated with the characters in a way I never expected. While I am not the bearded lady, or 8 ft tall, or 750 lbs or albino or any of the other things that made these characters unique- I am human. And I think everyone in their life has at least one season where they just feel like they don't fit in, or don't belong where you are stuck. Unfortunately, I have felt this way many, many times throughout my life. 

I watched as the Showman abandoned his values and kept pushing for his dream, forgetting the whole reason why he started in the first place. I watched as his crew was repeatedly told they were worthless, ugly, stupid, and shouldn't show their real selves over and over again. But finally, they hit the point where they have found their family, and they are proud of who they are. They stop apologizing for who they are, and drown out all the haters. They realize there is a place for them, they are not worthless. I have listened to this song over and over again since we left the movies. It was just the boost I needed today. My counselor tells me this in every session- she always tells me that she is proud of me, thinks I am great, and worthy of love. Getting words like that from your counselor is kinda like getting them from your parents.... on some level you know it is true, but you feel like they have to say it because they are biased haha But as I thought about my counselors words today, and listened to these lyrics it really hit me.... I am done apologizing for who I am. This is who I am meant to be, and if people don't like that, then good riddance!

I know the people I am thinking of will probably never read this, and if you do, I am glad because I want to say this: To all the people who have walked out of my life in the past few years, to the people who can't find the time to pick up the phone, respond to texts, grab coffee, or really involve me in your life at all: Thank you. You have caused me a lot of pain- I am not going to sugar coat this. You've made me question who I am as a person, and made me wonder what's wrong with me that you can't find time for me anymore. I do get it on some level, life happens. People move, get married, have kids, etc. But in a day in age where it is easier than ever to keep in touch with people, I find the lack of connection simply irritating and careless. But that being said, I still thank you. I miss some of you terribly to the point where it physically hurts, and a lot of times I cry and wish for the past. But I am DONE apologizing. I am done making excuses for you. I am done trying to bend my life around to make it work to try and keep you in my life. I am done putting my life on hold hoping you'll come back around. I am DONE putting myself second to make everyone else in my life first. And if you don't like that? Good. It makes it easier to see who is really for me when push comes to shove and no one is around. Some people may read this and think I am angry at these people: Oh, don't get me wrong. I am angry. Angry that I poured my time, emotions, money, and love into relationships that disappeared like dust overnight. But from anger can come a lot of beautiful growth. I wouldn't have had the courage to post this a while ago. This isn't me being passive aggressive either- so don't think that. Everyone who I am thinking of when I write this I have had a similar conversation about this with many many many times. And if I haven't had that conversation with you, it's not about you. So stop worrying about it. Thank you for walking away. Thank you for giving me the courage to stop apologizing for who I am. Because of all of you, I will NEVER apologize for who I am, try to change who I am, what I want to do/be, or lower my standards for anyone ever again just to attempt and find love.

I am brave. I am bruised. This is who I am meant to be. This is ME. 

So this is my random thought of the day for you: DO NOT change who you are for the sake of others. Do not apologize for who you are, and who you want to become. Life is too short to have people in your life where all they are gonna do is keep dragging you down. There ARE people who will love you JUST as you are. There ARE people who will love you despite your scars. There ARE people who aren't going to walk away because you are just "too much". There ARE people who aren't going to tell you that you are being selfish and self centered because you are putting yourself first for once. There ARE these people in the world. They are REALLY hard to find. My counselor tells me that every session as well. But I know that there is a place for me, and I am not going to stop fighting until I have my team who loves me for all that I am, all that I was, all that I will be, and isn't gonna just disappear. So watch out world-

Here. I. Come. 

How Big is Your Brave?

 We've all heard the song. (If by some chance you haven't a link to the music video is at the bottom of the post) It played on every radio station, every day for months just like every other popular song. And yet, this song has always challenged me in a way that I haven't really ever been able to put fully into words.

I was listening to Brave as I was working on an assignment for counseling last week. There has been some stuff that I have needed to process and work through that I have just not had any interest in facing up until now. The past year put me through the ringer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically and I finally decided that I have had enough. I have had enough of doing everything to please everyone around me, and never putting myself first. I have had enough of letting my physical, mental, and spiritual health be all over the place. I've simply had enough. And as I have talked about with my counselor many, many times I came to the same conclusion- the only one who can do anything about all this crap is me. And so I took a step as I was sitting journaling, and I honestly thought "What would happen if I was brave?"

What would happen if I said what I wanted to say? What would happen if I was simply just me? What would happen if I was brave enough to really give up my poor eating habits? What if I was really brave enough to actually start my days in prayer? What would happen? My first thought "Well. Everyone and everything good will be gone." But what if my definition of "good" isn't accurate? I've had a lot of really "good" relationships with friends over the years. And yet, the older I get the more I realize that a lot of those relationships were unhealthy, partially because of some of my actions, and partially because of actions of friends. I truly believe my definition of "good" needs an overall. Because in reality? There are so many things I associate with being "good". We say all the time that God is good. But we also say McDonald's is good. (Don't get me wrong.... I love McDonald's but I know darn well it's not good for me.) Both cannot be good. We talk all the time about how God has "good" things for us..... But what if our definition of "good" is flawed? It scares me sometimes when people tell me that God has good things for me, because "good" has not always been "good' throughout my life. And yet, what if we really (and I mean really, seriously) took the time to reassess our definition of good? What if we were brave enough to sit down, and really ask God to show us what Good HE has for our life, and not what the world's definition of good is?

I took a huge risk this week, and I decided to open up the box of things that I haven't been dealing with emotionally in counseling. The things in the box? They aren't good. They are traumatic, painful, and ugly. Some of them are even under the disguise of good like moving away, or graduating college. But they still hold immense pain for me. And by finally letting them out the good finally gets to be what it is: Good. And the ugly goes away. The pain goes away. While it hasn't yet, I know full well it will because Jesus was brave enough to take every ounce of my pain with Him on the cross and it died 2000 years ago. I just gotta stop letting it stick around.

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... How big is your brave? Are you willing to slow down this year, and let God make your "good" actually be good? Are you willing to reassess your life, and really acknowledge that while things haven't gone as you have planned, maybe God actually can make them good? Can I challenge you? Be brave. Call the person you are fighting with. Make an appt. with a therapist. Stop eating the junk food. Challenge yourself to see the goodness of who God has created you to be. I know you are brave enough to do it!

Happy New Year's (gri)Eve?

No shame- I ugly cried in church today. Like tears flowing, nose running, the whole shebang. At first I was embarrassed, I mean who REALLY wants to ugly cry at all, much less at church am I right? And yet here I was, ugly crying as women from my church were around me praying for me, and I honestly can't think of a better way to end 2017.

Many of you know, 2017 has put me in the ringer mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually over and over and over again. I have felt like I have been treading water in an endless sea of storms the entire freaking year. In December I became unemployed for the second time in 3 months. I have worked for appx one month since the month of September which means Marissa's finances = no bueno. And so here I was sitting in church, being prayed for,  and God and I had a bit of a chat as well.

You see, I try to be a pretty positive person even though my nature is to be a "glass half empty" kinda girl. I usually can roll with the punches, and get back up again after setbacks with little trouble. But this year? Man. This year has been a whole different beast. My pastor was talking about how he wants our churches focus to be health in 2018- health spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He talked about how God has called us to all of these things, and as we are a living temple for Him, it is our duty to take each of these areas of our lives very seriously. He encouraged us to take a minute and set goals, and think about how we honestly struggle in those areas.

As I sat there pondering over the past year, and how I want 2018 to be different ( this was NOT the first time I have done this.... I have been anxiously awaiting the new year for many months now) There was one word that kept coming to mind to describe my 2017:

Grief

I lost a lot of things this year, things that I can't even really put into words. And I sat in church today realizing just how angry at God I still am for where I am at right now. I realized how angry I am that I no longer can go to my job that I love, and because of one person's choices SO many people's lives that I love went to shreds in a matter of months, and the after effect dominoes are still falling more and more each day. I cried hard, heavy tears as I asked God why he called me to ministry only to have my entire life and everything that brought me joy and security completely ripped away from me. I cried wondering why I moved out of state again, only to long to be in Michigan every moment that I am stuck in Ohio. And as I sat there and cried, I didn't get any answers. I didn't even really get any comfort. I felt worse honestly. I felt angry and alone. (I know, this is probably not the "uplifting" Christian blogpost you were looking for today... my apologies.) 

It's been a few hours since church, and my heart still feels depleted, but I came to my Starbs because it's where my heart processes best, simply trying to find a glimmer of what God may be teaching me through this intense season of pain. And these few brief thoughts came to mind as I sat here, it felt like Jesus whispered to my soul

"Rissa, I want you to learn to grieve."

I've always struggled with grief. I hate crying. I hate being sad. I hate it. I just want to forget things and be done. And yet, this year has held so much pain,  I cannot simply push it away anymore. There is too much. I have to learn to release it. I have to learn to let it go, to let the pain ooze out, and heal. 

God gave me a picture in church a few months ago. I was in a boat with Jesus, and unsinkable boat. Logically I knew it was unsinkable, but that didn't take away the fear. Waves could still crash in the boat, things could still break. But Jesus promised me we would get to the other side of the ocean if I just stayed calm, and let God steer the boat. I bravely nodded, and sat down. Well today? That picture came back to me at church again. Only this time? I was running around the boat like a crazy person. Yelling, crying, freaking out everytime water entered the boat. I had my back turned to Jesus and was screaming "WHY WON'T YOU JUST SHOW UP?! MAKE IT STOP I AM GOING TO DIE!" And yet where was Jesus? He was standing behind me the entire time. He was saying my name over and over again, trying to get me to come inside out of the storm, but I couldn't hear him and I refused to look for him. Today in church. I finally looked for him. I fell down, worn out and defeated and badly injured from the storm, crying so, so hard. He wasn't mad at me though. He simply said "I'm still here. We are going to get to the other side. Just breathe."

I usually spend my New Year's Eve blog post reflecting on the blessings of this year, and all the lessons I have slowly learned. But I just don't have the emotional capacity this year to even fake it. And I feel like that IS the lesson I have learned in 2017. I have spent literally every moment of my life doing everything possible to please everyone in my life because I am terrified of them leaving me or hurting me. I haven't been the priority of my own life entirely, ever. And I want a family and to do ministry, but it's like you always hear: You cannot pour from an empty cup. And I am finally empty, and ready to be filled, made new, and ready to start over. 

So this is my last random thought of you for 2017- It's okay if your year completely sucked. It's okay if you don't have the energy left to say "I'm blessed! Praise Jesus!" and all that Christianeeze we love to shout when we are actually hurting. If nothing else, the end of this year has shown me that I have a LOT to grieve from the past year, and that is 100% okay. Don't get me wrong, good things happened too. I made new friends, found an eating plan that worked for me, got back into running, read tons of new books, and so much more. And I know that 2018 will be filled with blessings and trials just like 2017 was.

So my goal for 2018? My goal is to grieve and to let go of as much of the pain of the past that I can manage. My goal is to keep running to Jesus with each step that I can take, and to become even more dependant on my relationship with him. My goal is to continue getting 100% healthy, and discovering the girl God made me to be, instead of the girl who has simply been surviving the past 25 years. Happy New Years my friends. I hope and pray that God reveals to your heart and minds the plans He has for you this year, and that you discover more of Him each and everyday. 

Finding Color in a Broken Crayon Filled World

I'm sitting here in my favorite coffee shop, drinking my favorite tea, in a cozy sweatshirt from my high school. I'm watching as the coffee shop is super busy, as it is a Saturday afternoon, people coming in and out, working on homework, or simply staring out the window watching the raindrops fall. It's chaotic, it's loud, and yet it is bringing peace to my soul. For the first time in months, my Saturday feels normal. 

And yet, nothing in my world is "normal" right now. Although I am not sure it will ever be "normal" again as I have realized over the past few years that my normal is constantly changing, and that has become my new normal in a sense. I'm still partially unemployed, totally 100% unsure of what the next year (really even the next few days) have in store for me. And that is terrifying, quite frankly. The feelings of desperation have started closing in, even though in reality I am more stable and secure than I was a few weeks ago. As I sat here, angry about the direction life has seemingly thrown me in, one thought randomly entered my mind: 

"Broken crayons still color."

I used to get so mad when my crayons would break as a kid. I was a very hard colorer, and didn't like crayons because if I pushed too hard to get the color deeper they would break, and then in my mind they were useless. I think I have felt the same way about life recently. I feel like life ( and in reality myself) keeps pushing me harder and harder and demanding more color out of me than I am capable of giving, until I crumble, break, and get thrown aside, and they move on to the next color. Sometimes it feels like that's how my relationships go, how my jobs go, even how my faith goes. And how pointless does that make life feel? If we are only here to get used and then tossed aside, is there a point? Is it worth letting someone squeeze all the color and life out of you just to get tossed aside? But go with me here for a second- What if we were made for more than simply coloring? 

If you do  a quick search on Pinterest, you will soon see that there are MANY uses for crayons, none of which actually have to do with coloring. Candles, Christmas ornaments, pictures, new types of crayons, the list goes on and on. As we enter each season of our life, a new color is added to the grand, overall picture of our lives. And sometimes in that season, the crayon may break. But you know what? That brown crayon is still gonna color if God needs another brown season in my life later on. And if it gets to the point where it won't color? It can be melted. Or crushed. And used again and again and again. There is no season, no brokenness, no pain that is too "broken" for our God to handle and use. 

I sat here at Starbs and continued thinking "I can be mad at God that this season of life, this "crayon color" per say broke and is done. I can choose to be mad and not let God use any more of my colors cuz He broke the blue one, and I don't want Him breaking the rest of my crayons. ( I NEVER let someone use my crayons after breaking one as a kid, which was kind of ironic since I did most of the breaking myself.... ;) )  But in reality? God might need my blue crayon to be broken in order to color the next part of my picture. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you- What are you doing with your broken crayons? Have you thrown them away, left them at the bottom of the crayon box? Pretending they never broke in the first place? Can I challenge you today? Let God make art out of your broken crayons. Let Him show you what kind of masterpiece He can create with the broken crayons in your life. I honestly NEVER would have thought that a lot of my broken pieces would come together in such a unique way- Child Life training, mixed with a deep desire to be a therapist, coming together for me to find my new passion of becoming a therapist specializing in play therapy. God is going to do a LOT through this passion my friends. But, it never could have happened without me going through some hard stuff as a kid and ending up needing consistent counseling and meeting my therapist Gina. It never would have happened without me thinking I was going to do Child Life, do all the studying and working my butt off only to determine thats not the right fit for me. It never would have happened if I wouldn't have allowed my self to stop working at a "real job" and start nannying and realize my passion for working with kids be renewed. It never would have happened without hard conversations, people leaving, things falling apart and life breaking me. One crayon at a time. 

So here I am. A messy pencil box filled with a bunch of broken crayons, and I don't think I could ask for anything more. 

Why?

Why? It truly is the question that is never far away from me these days. I heard this song come on KLOVE the other day, and it was like my world just stopped for a few seconds. I can't help but keep asking why. Why God?! Why?! I just got off the phone with a friend who is caring for one of my girls, and my heart just breaks for her as she is trying to navigate more than any 21 year old should ever have to navigate. She's trying to figure out how to raise a 17 year old, simply because God called her to it.

I've pondered this concept a lot over the past few weeks, the "calling" God has for all of us. I've wondered why God calls some of us to be millionaires, and some of us to literally live in the slums with the lowest of the low. I've wondered why some of us go through a million different hard things, traumatic things. And how some people skate through life barely needing more than a band aide. I keep wanting to get mad at God for calling me to minister to the broken, because honestly? It is hard. There are MANY days I wish I could be a millionaire working in a rich banking office, and still be using my gifts and talents to help others. I want it so badly, and then I realize that is simply not me. And if I was happy doing that, I wouldn't be me anymore.

Breathe, sometimes it feels it's all that I can do. I've muttered this phrase a lot to myself over the past few weeks, crying to myself as I crochet like a grandma on the couch. I repeated it in my head as I cried multiple times talking to my counselor. I've thought over and over again "All I can manage to do is keep breathing. I can't handle anything else right now." And the more I am having to do it, the more I am realizing that might just be okay. I have said this phrase many times, but I have felt more broken in the past few weeks than I think I ever have in my life. The hits just keep coming, and my heart is ready for a break, honestly. I keep thinking "I just want someone to swoop in and save the day!" And then I realize that I am the adult, and I have to figure things out. 

I'm alive, even though a part of me has died. I say this phrase to myself almost every morning, especially on the hard mornings. Because each morning that I am alive means that God isn't through with me yet. It means there are still people who need encouragement, there are still people who need to know His love. There is still work to be done. And even when I cannot find my role in that plan and purpose, I know that God still has me on the road map. He isn't lost, and never has been. I've hit some "road closed" signs, but He isn't finished with me yet. 

I'd be lying if I said I am fine. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that this is where I am supposed to be, and I know that God is working in that. But the waiting is getting long. The bills that I need to pay are staring me in the face. Here is my random thought of the day for you: God is in the Why. He is still here. He has already seen the ending, and He's going to get you through. Can I encourage you today? With everything that has been going on in our country the past few weeks, can you do something for someone else today? I don't care if that is calling someone, texting them, sending a gift card in the mail, paying someone's rent for them, or even as simple as posting a Bible verse on someone's FB wall. Can you remind someone that God's glory is present even in the storm they are facing, and then do something about it? 

Daring to Hope Again

As some of you know, I was offered the opportunity to be on the launch team for Katie Majors (Kisses from Katie) newest book Daring to Hope. In the beginning, I had no strong desire to read this book, I honestly just love getting to be on a launch team for the free copy of a book and the community that builds within the team during the launch season. But as usual, God had another plan. 

I received my copy of the book about a week before my world completely fell apart. Only God knew that I would need this book in order to get through this season fully, completely 100% relying and trusting on Him and Him alone. 

A little background for those who do not know me quite as well, or not at all: I moved to Ohio about a year ago, and started working with a ministry called The Daughter Project, which is a recovery home for teen girls rescued from the sex trafficking industry. This year has been the most challenging year of my life. I have successfully managed living in an apartment alone, and holding down a full time job during that year. Also during that year? 3 major car repairs, no heat in my apartment for most of the winter, I lost most of my close friendships, family members died, money was tight, and SO many other intense struggles. I got to the end of year one and couldn't help but be questioning "God, why on earth did you bring me to Ohio?!" Little did I know He would use this book, and a huge crisis to give me the answer why. 

About 3 weeks ago, my coworkers and I were told that due to intense financial struggles, our house would be shutting down, and our girls would be moving to support homes. It honestly felt like the wind was completely knocked out of my soul. I was SO angry. I was angry at God, and angry that we had found ourselves in this situation. I spent the next few days crying, praying, and begging God to give me some clarity in this season. I kept asking God why He sent me to Ohio, when we obviously "failed" at ministry because we had to shut down. I kept asking "Why God?! Why do you keep asking me to walk through these hard paths over and over again?! Why do you keep asking me to love these people who keep walking out of my life?! WHY?!" And of course God with His perfect timing had me read this part of Daring to Hope during this intense part of the journey. Backstory: a woman who Katie has been caring for for months has just died, and Katie is walking through the grief of losing her. 

"The temptation was ever present to think that we didn't do it, that death meant we had failed. But my loving Father whispered a different story. "We did it," He would say in that soft Father way as if it was our secret. As if He could see all the parts of my heart that the world couldn't, all the questions, all the reservations. He heard all my unspoken questions about how things might have unfolded if we had done something different, met her sooner, seen a different doctor, anything. And He assured me that things were always as He intended. "We did it." She is home. She is whole. And we had walked her there, straight into His arms. We had not let go of her hand, and He had not let go of ours. 

I asked Him "why" again and again. What could all this suffering possibly accomplish? Why would He allow our family to walk through death like this repeatedly? Why would He allow us to love people so deeply? A dear friend suggested, "Maybe because He knew you would." 

Could that be God's answer to us as we walk the hard road? "I knew you would do it. I knew you would love them. 

And suddenly the hard road becomes not a burden, but a place of great honor, a place of partnership, and intimacy with Him. We didn't have to love Betty, we got to love Betty. We were allowed by our gracious and merciful Father to love these people, to give ourselves to something so grand as ushering His beautiful children back into His arms at Heaven's Gate." 

I don't know if these few paragraphs take your breath away like they did mine, but I had to reread it a few times to really let it sink in. Each time I read it, my heart feels more and more full. I didn't have to come to Ohio to work at TDP. I didn't have to love a friend who walked out of my life this past year. I didn't have to work through the pain of my past and allow God to use it for good. But I got to. I got to come to Ohio and work for a year with some of the most incredible girls and co-workers you could ever ask for. I got the privilege to spend almost 5 years loving my friend well. I got the privilege to work through my past and have God use it for good. God had me walk my path, pain and all, because He knew I would do it well. 

How incredible is that? Who would have thought that one simple phrase would change my entire way of thinking and living? Literally in a few weeks I have gone from hating every awful thing I've gone through, to seeing it as a blessing. Now that does NOT mean that all the things that I've gone through are suddenly good, but that I can see them through another lense, and how God has actually used them to shape me, mold me, and grow me. The past still definitely hurts 100%, but this idea has given me new found freedom to let it go, to let myself heal and face hard things, and to believe that God still is working for my good. 

And so soon after this initial revelation came the layoff- the goodbyes, the pain, tears and anger that this is the season we are in. And yet, I have been 100% at peace. I've been joking that I've been a bit too peaceful, honestly haha. But I know that God brought me to Ohio because He knew I would. He knew I would come here and love people well. He knew that I would face parts of my pain I wouldn't otherwise have found courage to face if I hadn't come. He knew I would let go of a not so healthy, but very deep and meaningful friendship if I came here, and I wouldn't have had the reasons, strength, courage, or wisdom to do so without coming here. And so I am at peace. Do I know where my rent money for November is coming from? No I honestly don't. Do I know how I am going to buy groceries next month? No I don't. But I do know this- God is faithful, and He brought me here for a reason. He brought me here for such a time as this, and I know full well that He isn't finished with me yet. I've talked with my counselor many many times about how I want to become a therapist. And as we have navigated this journey together, it is becoming more and more clear that God is having me walk through these challenges to better serve my future clients. And that in itself makes it all worth it. 

This was another few paragraphs that I loved closer to the end of the book:

"Sometimes, the things we would never pick for our lives give us an opportunity to receive God's provision, to see Him working in ways we otherwise might not experience. Sometimes we are allowed to climb the mountain so we can behold the ram in the thicket, so that we can know God all the more. It's amazing really, that we can get exactly what we need by walking through what we never wanted. In the dry places, when our lives are not going at all as we intended, He can draw us to Himself the way He always intended. " A few paragraphs later she adds: 

"But now I know: the things I never wanted were the things I needed most. The things that I thought would break me were the things that drove me straight to Him. My anguish and sorrow sen me to the Healer who would mend all those broken places and put me back together more beautifully than I had imagined. All those cracks and holes and ruptures, they would be the places in my life where His glory would shine through. Beauty, though not as I had expected it, would be found amid the ashes, These would be the places that taught me His heart as He lovingly and tenderly bound them up, and they would make me brave ready for the next thing. Ready for anything."

This is why I can Dare to Hope even when my physical world is shaking, and my foundation and security fallen. This is why I can continue to dare to dream, and that I can trust and know full well that God is in fact working in my pain. I have questioned for years why God has allowed us to walk through pain, and for me Katie's book gave me answers and peace that I have been longing for in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. I will finish with one last quote: 

"Maybe the hardest things make us the best kind of brave and the best kind of ready for all that God has next. They teach us to lean into Him time and time again because we see that it is true: when we are weak, He is strong. "

This is my prayer for myself tonight, and for anyone out there reading this. I am praying that through this season of unknown and unemployment God will continue making me the best kind of brave, and ready for all that He has next for me. I cannot, cannot encourage you enough to buy and read this book as quickly as you can. I promise you that God will use it to bring you closer to His heart in ways you could not even ask or imagine. Daring to Hope comes out October 3rd, and you can preorder it at the link below! 

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Hope-Finding-Goodness-Beautiful/dp/0525499857

Finding True Rest in the Father at 5 AM

There is part of me that is sitting here thinking "Can it really have been two months since my last blog post?! Has my life really been that crazy?!" The simple answer? Yes.

My life has been the definition of insanity since about June. I think I have cried, yelled, cussed, prayed, and collapsed in exhaustion more in the past 3 months than I honestly have in years. I have questioned every single thing that God was doing in my life and said my famous phrase of "What are we doing?!" more often than I can even begin to count. I've sat in my supervisor's office crying trying to figure out what the heck God has me doing here in Ohio, and begged him to send me back to Michigan more often than I'd like to admit.

And yet here I sit. I am still here. It was a heck of a summer, but I am still here. It's almost 4:30 am as I am typing this, and I am sure it will be much later by the time I finish typing all of this. I've been begging God for some time of complete silence and stillness for a while now. I've known that I needed a long stretch of uninterrupted, introverted, God time. And today/tonight I finally got that. How? Through nightwatch.

I used to have a love/hate relationship with nightwatch while I worked at Shelterwood. Honestly? After working an 8 hr shift the LAST thing I wanted to do every week was then stay up all night. But what came out of nightwatches? Deeper relationships with my co-workers- especially my roommate Elise, and my good friend Jessica. Nightwatch brought a time of stillness, where my normally beyond crazy world at the Wood became still, and I suddenly had time and space to simply sit and listen to what God wanted to talk to me about. And as much as I hated it (especially the night watch hangover the next day!) that has been one part of working at the Wood that I have missed the most. So when the opportunity came up to take over one of our nightwatches at TDP while a co-worker was on vacation, I jumped on it.

If I am being honest, part of me was scared of what God was going to reveal to me as I sat here and listened. I was scared to see the state that my heart is in, as it's been through the ringer more often than not over the past year. I was scared to have to stay up all night, when I haven't felt like I have gotten enough sleep ever this past year. And then, God brought to my mind the verse above. My sould finds rest in God alone..... It may be almost 4:30 am, and I have in fact been up for about 20 hours at this point. But my soul feels more rested right now than it has all year, but especially in the past few months. Tonight reminded me that I literally can only find rest for my soul in God alone. No human being, no book, music, movie, coffee, or even ice cream will give me the rest that God alone can give me. But the thought that is haunting my heart tonight? If I recognize this as truth, why has it taken me so long to set aside this time with my Papa when my heart knows that this is what it has been needing and longing for?

I remember a few months ago my pastor prayed with me at church and told me that God was preparing me for a very difficult season ahead. He told me it would be like many seasons I'd faced before, but this time it would be easier because I have begun to trust God as my Father, and I would let Him control. But, it was still going to be trying and I needed to be prepared. I thought about this afterwards, and thought "I've been through a lot already. What could I possibly have to walk through that would be harder than any of that?"

And yet here I am. Still in the storm, but feeling as if I am in the eye of the hurricane. Secure, safe, house beginning to flood, but knowing that the storm is coming to a close soon. I've had to walk through things I thought I was wayyyyyy done with. I've had to revisit pain from the past, and learn to forgive people yet again. I've watched people walk out of my life recently who promised me they never would, and had to learn to live without them. I've felt more alone in the past year than I have ever in my entire life. And yet in all this pain, I've been seeing God breathing life into places that no life could be found. I've been building new relationships in places that I thought I'd never be ready to let another human into. Slowly but surely, I am healing. And it looks like nothing I could have ever expected or imagined.

I don't know what this next season is going to look like. I am very sure that God is calling me to stay in Ohio, but also calling me to become more invested in my home church in Michigan. How is that going to work? I have literally no idea. I know He is calling me to a deeper relationship with Him, and calling me to find community to share life with. He is calling me to set boundaries with some people, and calling me to let others in more than I have in the past. Most of all He is calling me to freedom. He is calling me to grace. He is calling me to find healing. He is calling me to be exactly who He created me to be, and I feel closer to being that person than I have ever been in the past.

I am slowly discovering that by finding my spiritual rest in Him, and not just in my physical rest in bed, I am refreshed. I am renewed. I am inspired, and I am seeing His work more clearly and more evidently. My prayer every day has been that my ears will be open to hear his voice, and that my eyes will see his fingerprints covering the work He is doing everywhere I go. I want to love like he loves. I no longer pray that God would remove people from my life that I disagree with, but that He would help me love them as HE loves them, and that I would be able to show them His grace and compassion in all that I say and do.

Part of me wants to apologize for this post being so long. I honestly don't even know if anyone will take the time to read this far down. And yet I hope and pray someone does because I want to encourage you with this: Don't give up. Don't give up on your relationship with God. Don't give up on church, praying, the human race as a whole, or yourself. Ask God today to show you his fingerprints. Ask Him to show up in your day, to show you his blessings wherever you go. He hasn't abandoned you yet, and he honestly never will. He so so desperately wants you to find your rest in Him. He wants you to figure out what makes your heart soar, and what makes you so angry at the injustice that it makes you scream. He wants you to live. And the only way you can truly live is in Him.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What does your nightwatch look like? What does your soul need to reconnect with God on a level that you barely understand? Can I challenge you to do that today? Or at least start praying that God would give you the opportunity to have that time with Him? Ask him to start preparing your heart. Dive into the life he has given you. You won't regret it.